Total Drama All-Stars Re-Write episode 1
Heroes vs. Villains
Re-written and edited by: Joey Turner and Tanya Furness
(Fade to inside a prison, CHEF HATCHET and a guard walking past a row of prison cells, Chef is carrying a manila folder. Chef walks past 2 cells containing a one-eyed prisoner and what looks like the Insane Psycho Killer with a Hook)
Psycho Killer: I'M INNOCENT I TELL YA! INNOCENT!!!
(The one-eyed prisoner makes kissy faces at Chef and the Guard. Chef's face grows increasingly concerned when he hears a familiar voice)
Voice: (Off-screen) And the Crusty Cockroaches have a big lead over the Soiled Stinkbugs!
Prisoner: (Off-screen) Cram it, McLean! (Psychotic laughter)
(Pan over to reveal none other that CHRIS MCLEAN, wearing an orange jumpsuit locked behind a glass door in a highly secured cell [a familiar looking map of Camp Wawanakwa hanging on the wall], overlooking two bugs staring at each other)
Chris: Lightning slips past Duncan, and the heat is on! Yeah, look at that! That's what I'm talking about! (Finally notices Chef, glaring at him) Well, well, well, look who finally came to visit me after a whole year.
Chef: C'mon. You've finished your sentence for dumping toxic waste.
Chris: (Pouting) Whatever, think I'll stay right here; got everything I need. Including (Pulls out a cashew nut with a drawing of Chef's face on it) Chef 2.0! I made him from a cashew. (Chef slips the manila folder through the slot into Chris' cell; Chris grabs it suspiciously) What's this?
Chef: Yo contract. The Producers green lit another season, so you in?
Chris: (Smiles) it is on! (Chris' smile twinkles)
(Opening Credits)
(The four spotlights pop out; one with a price tag on it, one with a sleek shine on it, one knocking toilet paper out, and the fourth one out of the tree with a soap bar and brush. The director claps the clapperboard. Zoom through the camp past a squirrel, the Spa Hotel, the loser cabin, the communal bathrooms, and Chris (Holding the million-dollar case) and Chef on a helicopter)
Dear Mom and Dad I'm doin' fine,
(Up the cliff and into the lake)
You guys are on my mind.
(In the water, Anne Maria and Sierra tug back and forth on a treasure chest, it opens and Cameron, with several Chris heads and Mr. Coconut, float out)
You asked me what I wanted to be
(Above the water, Owen splashes up, just as Fang pops up as well, and releases a fart that gets in Fang's mouth and splashes back in the water. Fang chokes on the fart)
And now I think the answer is plain to see,
(Pan over to the forest where Lightning is kissing his biceps, when Jo body slams into him and runs off, Lightning chases after her. Duncan laughs at the sight while Gwen stands right behind him, rolling her eyes and smiling; Courtney standing behind her and glaring.)
I wanna be famous.
(Pan over to the waterfall, Alejandro and Heather in the canoe, glaring at each other. Just as the canoe goes over the fall, Alejandro leaps out, landing hands first on the rocks while Heather goes with the canoe)
I wanna live close to the sun,
(Pan down to the log. Brick is doing jumping jacks as the canoe falls behind him. Heather lands in his arms, pouting, and then the log snaps in half, sending Heather and Brick falling below)
Go pack your bags, 'cause I've already won,
(Scott cracks up at the sight, but then screams as Fang comes charging after him. Lindsay peeks out of the confessional, confused. The confessional then falls front-first)
Everything to prove, nothing in my way
(Zoom in to the spa hotel; Chef is relaxing in a chair as a butler brings him a drink. Pan over to Noah sitting at the dinner table; he looks at Chef, rolls his eyes, and goes buries his nose in his book)
I'll get there one day.
(Pan over to Mike and Zoey lying on two masseuse tables right across from each other. They lean in to kiss, when the masseuse bends Mike's leg out of shape, causing him to holler in pain)
Cause, I wanna be famous!
(Zoom out to the beach, where Dawn is meditating in between a bear and Sasquatchanakwa; the two creatures get into a slap fight. Pan across the dock where a giant spider stands; the spider takes its head off revealing Izzy, who winks at the audience, puts the head back on, and jumps onto a yacht holding the other rejected contestants; Ezekiel secretly swims away from the yacht)
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
(Pan over to 15 of the contestants (In their swimsuits) standing on platforms holding jousting sticks, standing in battle poses. On one side stand Jo, Anne Maria, Heather, Lightning, Alejandro, Gwen, and Duncan. On the other side stand Brick, Lindsay, Owen, Mike, Zoey, and Courtney)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous
(Jo and Brick clash equally and both fall backwards, Anne Maria restlessly shoves Lindsay back, Owen belly-buts Heather back, Lightning shoves Mike back without any trouble, Zoey clashes with a smug Alejandro who shoves her back, and Gwen and Duncan clash with Courtney, her stick burning as she grins deviously. Zoom in on the fire, changing the scene to the campfire at night. Noah and Dawn sit in front of the fire; Dawn looking at Noah lovingly, and Noah looking at Dawn awkwardly)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous
(Sierra pops up behind them and snaps a picture of them with her phone. Zoom out to reveal the 18 contestants gathered around the fire, and the season's logo)
(Whistling in tune)
(Opening Credits end; these will be the credits for the rest of the season)
(Zoom in to Camp Wawanakwa, cut to Chris on the still rickety Dock of Shame)
Chris: Welcome to Total Drama All-Stars. After my involuntary yearlong vacation... I really need to be in a familiar environment, surrounded by the people I love ...to hurt. (Evil laugh) It's a condition of my parole. Except for the hurt part, eh, that's all McLean! (Strolls down to the edge of the dock, where the Drama Machine from season 3 is waiting, along with a familiar briefcase) So, I'm bringing back 18 TD All-Stars to battle it out in the most dangerous, death-defying, One Million Dollar competition, ever! (The robot holds up the open case, where the wind blows a few bills away. Chris then addresses an incoming helicopter) and here they are now! From Revenge of The Island, Say hello to...
(The door to the chopper reveals an apprehensive looking MIKE)
Chris: -Multiple Mike! (A hand shoves Mike off the chopper) AKA, Chester, (Mike gasps, switching personalities) –Svetlana (He gasps, switching personalities again) Vito, (His hair slicks back and his eyes narrow) and Manitoba. (Mike seemingly reverts to normal, though Manitoba's scream of "Crikey!" gives him away. He splashes into the water) Mike's crush, pushover turned powerhouse, Zoey.
(ZOEY looks worried for Mike)
Zoey: Huh, Mike! (Dives)
Chris: Athletic non-supporter, Lightning!
(LIGHTNING, with his hair still white, looks down at Zoey)
Lightning: You call that a dive? Watch this! (Prepares to dive) Sha-ugh! (Gets booted off by Chef's foot)
Chris: Bubble-Boy brainiac, Cameron.
(Chef holds CAMERON by his hoodie)
Cameron: This is highly illogical! (Chef tosses Cameron out the door)
Chris: Private Pants-Wetter, Brick! (BRICK scoots to the door) DIVE FOR IT, MAGGOT!!!
Brick: (Salutes) SIR! YES, SIR! (Dives without protest)
Chris: Challenge throwing dirt farmer, Scott!
(SCOTT [now out of the trauma chair from season 4] clings to Chef's leg in fear. Until Chef pries him off and tosses him out. Chef walks back and grabs DAWN)
Chris: aura-reading beetle whisperer, Dawn.
Dawn: (Looks back at Chef before he can toss her out) you felt unloved as a child, you poor soul. (Chef's eyes dart back and forth, then he hastily tosses her out. Rushes back in, dragging ANNE MARIA by her arms)
Chris: tan-in-a-can helmet-head, Anne Maria, who gave up a MILLION DOLLARS for a phony diamond!
Anne Maria: (Scowling) if my hair get's messed up, you're getting a beat down, Chris! (Chef tosses her out)
Chris: Bossy bruiser, Jo, who dominated until her underling turned on her.
(JO resists Chef shoving her out, and shoves him back)
Jo: You're a dead man, McLean! (Chef body-slams her off the copter)
Chris: (Chuckles evilly) And, from the original cast... Cranky know-it-all CIT, Courtney! (Chef walks out, carrying COURTNEY by her ankle)
Courtney: This is not in my contract! (Chef glares and drops Courtney)
Chris: Courtney's bestie turned boyfriend stealer, Gwen! (Chef carries GWEN over his shoulders, tosses her down too)
Gwen: (Free-falling) He said he wasn't her boyfriend at the tiiime!
Chris: Broody bad boy, Duncan.
Duncan: (Free-falling, not even looking like he cares) Bring it on!
Chris: Devious Diva, Heather!
Heather: (Free-falling) I hate Chriiiis!
Chris: dodge ball-dodging Cody-kisser, Noah.
Noah: (Free-falling) once again, life throws me a big f- (a bowling ball is dropped on him, making him scream and fall faster)
Chris: Loveable lamebrain, Lindsay.
Lindsay: (Free-falling, flapping her arms) I'm flying! (Stops flapping and screams)
Chris: 300-pound bag of farts and fun, Owen!
(Chef tries to shove OWEN through the door)
Owen: for the love of Monte-Cristo! Don't make me jump again! (Chef holds what looks like a cattle prod) hey is that a cattle prod? (Chef jabs him in the butt with the prod, making him inadvertently jump and scream in pain)
Duncan: INCOMING FART BOMB!! (The contestants scatter before Owen lands in the water, causing a gigantic splash)
Chris: Super fan, Sierra! Total Drama's number one stalker- Uh, blogger!
Sierra: For Cody! (Cannonballs, sending the other contestants scattering, and causing a slightly less massive splash)
Chris: (with a more malicious grin) Feral freakshow, Ezekiel!
(Chef drops a still green and snarling EZEKIEL by his hoodie)
Contestants: What? (Lightning says it late)
(Ezekiel plummets, but is then grabbed by a plunger)
Chris: (laughing) Kidding! (The robot retracts the plunger) No way is that guy coming back again. (Snaps his fingers, causing the robot to fire off the plunger, Ezekiel screaming as he is rocketed to the other side of the island)
Dawn: (Looking concerned) oh, that poor soul.
Noah: (Smirks) yeah, that poor, disfigured, homeschooled soul.
Chris: (sighs happily) Man, it's great to be back!
(Cut to the coast of the beach, everyone washed up on shore groaning in pain, except Owen)
Owen: (Cheering) WHOO-HOO!!!! All-Star season!! It's like a big family reunion! (Chuckles) man, this is just....
Zoey: (Excitedly, wringing out her hair) ooh, ooh! I know this! Awesome?
Owen: (Gasps) she knows my shtick! WHOOOO!!! Are you gonna be on my team?
Zoey: aww, I sure hope so! Oh this is gonna be so amazing! Getting to compete with the old players, ooh I can't wait!
Dawn: (Meditating on a rock stroking a crab on the shell) yes, I also cannot wait to begin another season. And do not fear, Owen, I am sure Izzy misses you almost as much as you miss her. (Everyone looks at Owen)
Owen: (Nervously) how'd you know about that!? Uh I mean uh, I don't miss Izzy! Or that cute green outfit she wears everyday, or the cute way her nose wrinkles when she's laughing crazily, or the cute little squeak she makes when she's punching Chef, or...
Noah: (Slapping the side of his head, forcing water out the other ear) or the oh-so sexy way she crushes your kiwis? Wow, I hope you two decide to hitch it up, you two could honeymoon while you're in a coma. (Owen winces)
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: I know dating Izzy was dangerous, but I can't help it! I still feel guilty after wanting to break up with her in Jamaica... before the plane landed on her and made her super smart making her dump me. Ooh, I hate being this tense! I can't eat normally when I'm this tense!! (Chomps on a half-eaten cheese wheel, looks awkwardly at camera) ...if I was myself, this cheese wheel would have been digested by now!!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Walks along the beach, the robot wheeling behind him) Greetings, old friends.
Heather: (coughs up a starfish, throws it away) I am not your friend!
Lindsay: Aw, somebody misses her Hunny-Bunny! (Hugging Heather's head)
Heather: Who, Alejandro? As if! (Shoves Lindsay off) I'm glad he isn't back, that handsome jerk.
Duncan: yeah, whatever you say, "Hunny-bunny." (He and Gwen snicker, Courtney glaring at them)
Courtney: (Now glaring at Chris) You're gonna pay for my dry cleaning.
Chris: No I'm not; new contracts, 'member?
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: Same old Chris, same old disgusting island. (Flicks a fly out of her way) What was I thinking?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: In fact, we've got a lot of big changes for this season. For one, the island is now 100% toxic waste free! (Everyone sighs in relief) BUT, a lot of the toxic beasts are still running around the island somewhere, like... oh say... Scott's old buddy FANG!!!
(Scott freezes up and starts shivering in fear)
Chris: (He and the robot move to a large TV screen) On the upside, I've upgraded the accommodations. (The TV shows one of the normal cabins) This season, the losers still have to sleep in the crappy old cabins. (The campers moan) but, on the plus side, breakfast will be delivered to said cabin personally.
Owen: ooh! See that doesn't sound so bad.
Chris: -specially prepared by Chef! (Owen screams in terror and passes out. The TV then reveals a larger and nicer hotel) But, the winners get to stay in the all-new, eco-friendly McLean Spa Hotel! Complete with butler, hot tub, and 24 hour masseuse. (Mike, Cameron, Scott, and Heather cheer) And in honor of your All-Star status, I'm dividing you into teams based on your past performances: (Grins) Heroes vs. Villains.
(Confessional: Heather)
Heather: Obviously I'll be on the villain's team. And I'll be running it by lunch.
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: Heroes vs. Villains? (Sighs) Guess Duncan and I won't be on the same team, unless Chris considers Duncan a hero. (Chuckles) Yeah right.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Heather, Duncan, Noah, Lightning, Jo, Anne Maria, Scott, and Gwen. (The robot tosses Gwen by Duncan) From now on, you're the Villainous Vultures!
Lightning: (Cheering) Sha-team!
Gwen: (In shock) What? Why am I on the villains' team?
Courtney: (Glaring, standing tall) Because you stole my boyfriend and became the new Heather!
Chris: (Smirks) Yeah, what she said.
Noah: ...quick poll, anyone care anymore?
Jo: nope.
Anne Maria: (Spraying her hair with hairspray) nuh-uh.
Lightning: sha-nope!
(Owen and Mike just shrug)
Sierra: eh, after seeing too many posts about the whole love triangle thing and not enough Cody posts, it kinda grew old.
Lindsay: wait, what's she talking about?
Gwen: But I've done so many good things! I'm not a villain; I'm nice!
Duncan: (Puts his hand on her shoulder) Being bad is cool! And now we're on the same team, so that's good, right?
Gwen: (Slumps over) I guess...
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Moaning) Oh man, I only came back for Gwen! She better not sulk the whole time, or I might as well be dating Courtney. (Shivers) yeah right.
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: (Sighs) honestly, I'm happy that Duncan and I are on the same team, really I am! He's been nothing but great to me since the kiss in London. I just wish it didn't mean labeling me as a villain! I mean ok I haven't always had the best attitude but really, who would you rather be caught in an alley with, Heather or me?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Mike, Zoey, Cameron, Brick, Dawn, Owen, Courtney, Lindsay, and Sierra, (The robot wheels Sierra over to the heroes) you're the Heroic Hamsters!
Courtney: Excuse me, how are hamsters heroic?
Chris: It was that, or the Heroic Hippos.
Courtney: (Defensively) Hamsters it is!
Jo: Wait a minute; they have 9 people to our 8! No fair!
Chris: I needed the seat on the plane for that Ezekiel prank! (Jo glares at him) Fine, you can have the robot. (Pushes a button on the remote, sending the robot wheeling and beeping over to the villains)
Scott: I thought your robot could talk.
Chris: (shrugged) Meh, the communications chip cracked while I was in the hooskow.
Lindsay: (To Sierra) Was that English?
(The robot wheels over to Heather)
Heather: (Pushing the robot away) Keep your distance, toaster!
(Confessional: Heather)
Heather: (Shuddering) Ugh, there is something about that robot I just don't like!
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: Poor Heather, she is not aware that a great evil lurks within that robot; and alas, there is an even GREATER evil deep inside another. An evil I am not sure they are aware of!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Standing by the TV) This year's challenges all nod to classics from the past, but with harsh new twists to make this-
Gwen: "-the toughest Total Drama challenge ever?" Wasn't that LAST year's challenge?
Duncan: or the year before that?
Noah: getting a bit predictable there, McLean. (All the contestants laugh, earning a glare from Chris)
Chris: sure, laugh it up now. You'll be laughing on the other side when the game starts. (Laughs evilly) Your first challenge? Find the key to the spa hotel, and you'll do it in a homage to Total Drama's first ever challenge. Cliff diving into water infested with ravenous sharks!
(Scott gulps)
(Confessional: Scott)
Scott: (In a fetal position, shaking in fear) Ooh... Ok, so maybe I have a phobia of sh-sh-sharks... Can you blame me? Ever since I got mauled by F-F-Fang last season, my fear of sharks got kicked up a thousand notches! ALL BECAUSE I STOLE HIS STUPID TOOTH?!?!!? I'm just glad I'm out of that trauma chair, I had an itch below the belt that I could NOT scratch, and it was driving! Me! CRAZY!!!!
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: I feel terrible for laughing at Scott last season while he was in the chair. Sure he was a dirty jerk, but nobody who's had to deal with Chris deserves that!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Motions to the monitor, as Chef kicks an intern off the cliff, sending him into the lake, swimming to grab the key, and making it back to the hotel) Once you dive into the water, try to avoid the sharks long enough to snag a key. And, choose wisely. Only one of those suckers is the real deal. Assuming you live long enough to reach dry land, a teammate will drive you to the hotel in one of the baby carriages from Season 3's 'Race Through Central Park'. (Walks over to a buggy driven by an intern, jumps in as the intern starts the buggy) First team to unlock the spa door wins. And, someone from team loser will be going home tonight. Meet me at the base of the cliff in fifteen minutes. Chop, chop! (The buggy drives off)
Mike: (Calling out) Wait, shouldn't we change into our swimsuits or something first?
Chris: (Shouting back) Sorry, no time!
(Cut to the teams walking through the woods, the heroes ahead of the villains, and the robot tagging alongside Heather)
Heather: Ugh, I said, keep away from me!
Noah: (Looks around) ok, elephant in the room, I gotta ask; why is COURTNEY a hero?
Courtney: hey!
Owen: (Whispering to Noah) thank you for asking for me!
Courtney: well obviously I'm on the heroes because I'M a winner! And WINNING is a heroic thing! Besides, I am a victim of grand-theft BOYFRIEND!!! (Glares at Gwen, who winces) besides, I've done SOME heroic things!
Noah: yeah, the way you tried to kill everyone TWICE for money, yeah that's REALLY heroic! (Duncan, Jo, and Scott snicker)
Courtney: (Glaring) but... but she stole my...
Noah: you pushed him away! You lost him! Get over it!!
Dawn: oh do not let it bother you; she is just this way because she was deprived as a child.
(Duncan and Gwen are secretly shocked)
Courtney: (Scoff) even if that was true, and I'm not saying whether it is or not, how could you possibly know that?
Dawn: your aura is an open, yet complex, book. Your depravity is right there with your fear of green jelly and your obsession to over-achieve. Ooh it's all a lovely shade of burnt sienna.
(Courtney gasps)
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: how does that hippie girl know about my color? (Growls) doesn't matter! I'm NOT an over-achiever! And I'm gonna prove it by beating them all to the million dollars before they do! So (Blows a raspberry into the camera, then realizes) ...don't tell my lawyers I did that.
(Confessional ends)
Mike: (Notices Anne Maria staring at him with a lusty smile on her face, looks nervously to Zoey) uh, Anne Maria keeps staring at me, it's kinda freaking me out.
Zoey: wow, I think she's waiting until you turn into Vito. It's kinda sweet... and weird... and infuriating! I'm sorry, Mike, but out of all your personalities, I don't really like Vito that much.
Mike: aww it's ok, Zoey. Vito's a bit of a pain, but he's got a good heart... somewhere under the abs. But anyways, Anne Maria's gonna have to keep on waiting; cus my heart goes to you, Zoey. (They both smile lovingly)
Lindsay: aww, that's so cute!
Courtney: great, just what we need, more cute!
Anne Maria: (Mumbling, lagging way behind the villains) yeah, just keep smilin' at him, Red! Once you're outta the way, I'm gonna bag me some o' that hunka Vito!
Jo: (calling out) HEY! TANZILLA! GET A MOVE ON!
Anne Maria: (Hurrying to catch up) hey! Don't bust an artery, Blondie!!
Cameron: (walking alongside Sierra) hey, Sierra, it's great to see you've fully recovered since season 3. But, what made you decide to come back?
Sierra: aww that's so nice, Cameron. Well, I wanna win for Cody! We would have won last time, if I didn't accidentally blow up the plane... (Rubs her arm sheepishly)
Cameron: (awkwardly) Oh yeah... well your hair grew back nicely.
Sierra: Thanks! It's tough to be apart from my man, but it's too dangerous for him here! (Confidently) And I'm sure I can handle it long enough to win the million!
(Confessional: Brick)
Brick: now that's the kind of attitude I like to see on my team! Determined! Strong! Willing to leave behind the ones they love to win ...FOR the ones they love. And who knows? Maybe she's not as obsessed as everyone says she is.
(Confessional: Sierra)
Sierra: (Trying not to sob) I miss my Cody-bear... (She puts her head in her hands) So much!
(Confessional ends)
Heather: (shoving Jo out of her way) Excuse me!
Jo: Watch it, Old Heather!
Heather: You watch it, Newbie.
Anne Maria: (Shoves both of them) why don't you pasties BOTH watch it?!
Heather: (Growls) shut it, diamond-head!
Jo: (Smirks) more like FAKE diamond-head!
Gwen: Ugh, guys; just because Chris labeled us villains, doesn't mean we have to act like villains. We're a team; we should work together as a team!
(The villains all give agreeing responses)
(Confessional: Heather)
Heather: (Scoffs) no way is that going to happen. I-
(Confessional: Jo)
Jo: Don't trust-
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Pointing to the camera) Anyone-
(Confessional: Scott)
Scott: On this-
(Confessional: The Robot)
(The Robot just beeps twice)
(Confessional: Lightning)
Lightning: Team!
(Confessional: Anne Maria)
Anne Maria: especially Sticks and Blondie!!!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: (Smiling) Huh, I think that went well.
(The screen splits to reveal all of them (Except Noah) laughing, the villains (excluding Gwen) with fire behind them)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: (Shrugs) I don't do evil laughter.
(Confessional ends)
Gwen: (Notices Courtney glaring at her) Ugh, Courtney keeps glaring at me like she's trying to set me on fire!
Duncan: (Smirks) relax babe, I'll give her a glare back for ya. (Glares back at Courtney, who just turns away) Uh hello? Courtney? (Looks concerned, rubbing the back of his head) Hey?
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: Uh, I'm used to having girls yell at me, even punch me, but blank me? That-that's just wrong! How am I supposed to mess with her for messing with Gwen if she ignores me messing with her?! (Realizes what he just said) Pfft- I mean, whatever.
(Confessional ends)
Lindsay: (Whispers to Courtney) Psst, I think Duncan wants you to yell at him, y'know, for old times' sake.
Courtney: What's the point, he never listens. Besides, it's over between us. He's a bad boy; I knew it couldn't last forever. But Gwen, I thought we were friends. (Sighs) Last time I make that mistake.
Lindsay: (Gasps. Stops and shakes Courtney) you know how to stop making mistakes? Teach me!
Brick: (Stops right next to Lindsay) I think I can teach you, Lindsay. For I have a proposal for the heroes: as the only one with military training, I'd like you all to consider making me team captain! Now I know this isn't an easy decision but...
Courtney: NO! WAY! I'M team captain!
Cameron: well not to argue, but Brick DOES have military cadet training; and the way Chris handles these challenges, it wouldn't hurt to have some (Notices Courtney glaring him down) m-military... tactics?
Courtney: psshh! Please! Captain Wee-Wee over here may have "Military" training, but I'M a born leader! A survivor! I'M...
Heather: (Shouting back) if she says she's a CIT one more time, I'M PUSHING HER OFF THE CLIFF!!!!!!
(Confessional: Brick)
Brick: (Nervously) she can't hear me in here right? (Turns serious) good! Courtney is everything that a soldier shouldn't be! I mean putting your own needs ahead of your squadron and willing to let your fellow soldiers die? For MONEY!! If we were back in my squadron in a paintball fight, she would've been paintballed on sight! And FYI, I only wet myself once... twice (Looks ashamed) ...three times. But that won't happen again, thanks to (Pulls out a pair of high-tech looking goggles) these babies. Hawk-eye night vision goggles! Never go into battle without them! Now if there's a challenge in the dark, I'll be a stealth force to be reckoned with! And NOBODY, especially Jo, is gonna rag on me again!
Jo: (From outside the confessional, knocking on the wall) I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you, Cadet Wets-A-Lot! (Cackles, Brick scowls)
(Confessional Ends)
(The campers are now all lined up on a beach, the villains standing in front of a red baby stroller, the heroes in front of a yellow stroller)
Chris: (Flies in from his jetpack, laughing) greetings, All-Stars! (The jetpack blows sand in everyone's faces, making them wince and cough. Chris lands in between the strollers) Here are your carriages: blood red for the Villainous Vultures, and purest gold for the Heroic Hamsters. You've got thirty seconds to pick your carriage drivers. Starting... Now!
Scott: (Grabs onto the bar of the Villains' carriage) I'll drive!
Anne Maria: (Puts her hands on the other side of the bar) back off, I want a crack at this!
Jo: (Shoves Anne Maria out of the way, takes her place) no, I'll drive!
Lightning: Sha-please! You're the slowest go-kart driver ever!
Jo: but I'm also the shopping cart racing circuit champion!
(Confessional: Jo)
Jo: (Smirking) No I'm not. I just said that because-
(Confessional: Lightning)
Lightning: Gotta respect championship status. Jo drives.
(Confessional ends)
(Lightning carries Scott away on his shoulders)
Scott: aw c'mon!!
Gwen: (Walks to Jo) But, Jo, wouldn't you make a better diver since you're so athletic?
Jo: Nobody tells me what to do, Gothball! And don't even try to kiss me.
Gwen: (Gasps) what?!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: After three seasons of kindness, I'm reduced to evil kisser status? For the last time, Duncan and Courtney were over before he and I started! ...Well Duncan thought they were over anyway. Point is you can't steal a boyfriend if the boy is free!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Looking towards the Heroes) Ten seconds!
Cameron: (To Zoey) You can do it.
Zoey: (To Mike) Maybe you should do it.
Owen: (To Brick) ooh, why don't YOU do it?
Courtney: Ugh, Lindsay will do it! (Shoves Lindsay into the carriage, where Lindsay falls in face first)
Chris: Ok, everyone but Jo and Lindsay, up the cliff you go! (Points towards the cliff)
(Cut to the top of the hill, where Chris is somehow waiting for them as they arrive out of breath)
Lightning: Sha-first! (Slides into view, not even winded, everyone else following behind him, Owen collapsing onto Cameron)
Owen: (Lifts his head up, scoots on his belly, revealing a flattened Cameron, toward the edge of the cliff alongside Noah, Zoey, Scott, and Mike, who are looking down nervously) aww, just like old times eh, Noah?
Noah: yep. Still here, still 1000 feet, still probably gonna kill us.
(Suddenly, a familiar mutated shark, FANG, emerges from the water, as 2 unmutated sharks circle around him, waving at the contestants above with an evil smirk)
Scott/Zoey/Mike: (In horror) Fang!
Gwen: (Peeking over) Who?
Noah: WHOA! THAT'S Fang?!
Scott: (Clings to Noah in fear) y-y-yep!
Owen: (Hugs Scott and Noah in fright) we're going to die now! We're going to FREAKIN' die now!!!
Chris: Who's the best key spotter, and, who's dead in the shark infested water? Find out when we return, on Total Drama All-Stars!
(Commercial break)
(Cut back to the cliff, where all the contestants stand at the ready, except Scott who's shivering in fear, as the non-mutated sharks leap out of the water menacingly)
Chris: Places people! It's diving time!
Scott: (Shoves Heather in front, laughing nervously) A-after you, I insist!
Chris: (Holding his air horn) One diver per team at a time. The next diver has to wait until their team's carriage returns. Ready, set- (Blows the airhorn)
Lightning: Woohoo, Lightning Strikes! (Cannonballs off the cliff, followed by Courtney who leaps off shrieking)
Duncan: (Amazed) wow, Courtney actually made the jump? ...didn't think she had it in her.
Lightning: (Punches Fang in the nose) Sha-bang! (Courtney splashing down after him. Lightning re-emerges with a key) Sha-score! (Then front-flips into Jo's carriage)
Jo: Yes! (Starts running off with the carriage) So long, suckers!
Chris: And the villains take the lead! (Courtney swims furiously, passing a sniveling Fang being comforted by the other two sharks)
Courtney: (Jumps into Lindsay's carriage holding a key) Go, go, GO!
Lindsay: (In confusion) Which way is the hotel again?
Courtney: (Groans) never mind, I'll do it!
Chris: (flies in on his jetpack) Up-pup-up-up, no tradesies! Gotta stick to your designated driver!
Courtney: Fine, just push!
Lindsay: Okay... how do you push again? (Courtney screams in frustration)
(Cut to Jo jogging while pushing Lightning through the woods)
Jo: (Staring daggers at Lightning) Listen, you don't like me, and I really don't like you.
Lightning: (Smirking) What's not to like? (Kisses his bicep)
Jo: You're kidding, right? Point is, we're the strongest members of our team, agree to stay out of each other's way until the teams merge?
Lightning: cool. But then it's every champ for himself. Starting with number one, and that's me.
Jo: (Rolls her eyes in annoyance) Yeah, yeah.
(They arrive at the hotel; Lightning jumps out and shoves the key in the hole, which refuses to budge)
Lightning: (Growling) C'mon key, get in the lock!
Jo: (Arms crossed in annoyance) It doesn't fit because it's the wrong key, Brightning!
(Just as Jo and Lightning leave, Lindsay and Courtney arrive. Courtney jams the key into the lock)
Courtney: Ugh, wrong key! (Tosses the key on the ground)
Lindsay: (Clapping her hands in oblivious delight) Ooh, maybe they left a window open?
(Cut back to the cliff, Duncan and Gwen are waiting for Jo)
Duncan: (Shouting below) C'mon, c'mon!
Sierra: (Walking up to Gwen and Duncan, oblivious to their annoyance) Y'know, a lot of my blog readers were mad about you guys hooking up, but I get it. Love is love! Just like me, and my Cody-Wody!
Gwen: (Rolled her eyes) Yeah, we're just like you guys.
Duncan: except a whole lot better looking. (He and Gwen smile at each other)
Zoey: well I think you guys are cute together.
Noah: yeah, like a wolverine in a tutu.
Duncan: (Growls) don't call us cute! Alright? (Notices Jo) Here comes Jo! How bout a kiss for luck? (Smirks, puckering his lips)
Gwen: (Shrugs) oh why not? (Gwen and Duncan's lips connect, Gwen suddenly notices Sierra staring at them, pulling out a pink Smartphone. Gwen pulls her lips away) Uh, no time! (Shoves Duncan away)
Duncan: Woah-oh-oh-aaah! (Loses his balance and plunges off the cliff)
Gwen: (Gasps. Calling out to Duncan) sorry!!
Duncan: (Calling back) no worries!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: I like kissing Duncan.... A lot. (Dreamily) like a whole lot, but with Courtney acting like she wants to set me on fire, the last thing I need is Sierra snapping pics of Duncan and me while we kiss!
(Confessional Ends)
(Duncan lands calmly in the water, snatches a key and dodges Fang's bite, leaping into the carriage just as Lightning gets out)
Duncan: Let's roll! (Jo pushes the cart away just as Lindsay and Courtney arrive)
Courtney: Hurry up; they're still ahead of us!
Sierra: FOR CODY! (Leaps off the cliff) Yee-hah! (Lands in the water)
Mike: (He and Zoey look down in concern) Oh, think she's ok?
(Down in the water, Sierra punches and kicks the sharks effortlessly)
Sierra: (Emerges from the water with a suspiciously Cody shaped key) Oh, I found one that looks like Cody!
Courtney: (Glaring at Lindsay) Ugh, I don't know where you learned to push a- (Notices Sierra flying through the air squealing in delight) No, wait!
(Sierra lands right on top of Courtney)
Lindsay: (Struggles to pull the cart) So-ugh-heavy!
Sierra: (Sheepishly) Sorry, I had a big breakfast.
(Cut back to Jo pushing Duncan in the cart to the spa hotel)
Jo: Listen up, short pants; I'm in charge. Get in my way, and I'll make your life a walking nightmare.
Duncan: (Laughing) Trust me, I don't wanna be in charge, but feel free to knock yourself out trying.
Jo: (Confused) Really?
(They reach the spa hotel; Duncan's key won't fit)
Duncan: No go, it's a dud!
Jo: Way to pick the wrong key, Dud-can!
Duncan: Ha, good one!
Jo: (Confused) Thanks?
(Confessional: Jo)
Jo: (Smiling) Wow, finally someone who appreciates my killer zingers!
(Confessional ends)
(Sierra and Lindsay arrive at the spa hotel, the key doesn't work)
Sierra: Aw, Cody key's too small, back we go! (Courtney moans trying to get out of the cart, but Sierra leaps on her, crushing her again. Courtney moans again) Do you hear something? (Lindsay shrugs)
(Back at the cliff, Owen is sweating nervously, looking towards the cliff)
Zoey: (Patting Owen on the shoulder) come on, Owen, you can do this! You must have gone over this cliff more times than anyone! What's one more gonna hurt?
Brick: do it for the team, Cadet! We need you!
Owen: (Breathes deeply, then gets a confident look on his face) you're right! (Gets a running start) GAME OOOOON!!!
Heather: (Glaring at Noah) TRY not to screw it up, LAZY!!!
Noah: (Rolls eyes) as you wish, Commando Ponytail. (Runs alongside Owen)
Owen: (Gulps) I'm too young to be a shark's kabob!!
Noah: dude; relax! If Courtney can make the jump, so can you!
Dawn: (Waving to both of them) oh, I wish only the best of luck to both of you!
Noah: (confused) wait what? (Trips, ends up plummeting off the cliff)
Owen: (Gasps) I'M COMING FOR YA, BUDDY!!! (Jumps off, they are now both free falling, screaming) GOOD BYE, SWEET WORLD!!!!!
(Fang sees Owen heading towards him. He pulls out a tiny umbrella and prepares for impact. Gwen, Mike, Zoey, and Brick all wince as a clang is heard, and Owen is revealed to be lying on top of Fang's head, Fang clearly in pain, while Noah landed head first on one of the other sharks)
Owen: (Chuckles) aww, aside from the lumpiness, that wasn't so bad, was it, Noah?
(Noah just grunts, as they sink into the water, they both hastily emerge with keys, running as Fang chases them out of the water)
Scott: (Chuckling) not so fun is it?!
Owen: (Screaming) Noah, you still got that funny ball trick you showed me in Paris?!
Noah: I don't know if it works on sharks! I got something even better! (Suddenly stops and turns towards Fang. Displaying two fingers, he suddenly taps Fang on the forehead) NO! (Fang stops) SIT! (Fang sits, and whimpers like a dog) good mutant sharky. Now let us go, and you can eat Scott later.
Scott: wait, WHAT?!!?
(Fang smiles maliciously, and runs straight back to the water)
Dawn: (Applauding) ooh, I did not know you were a mutant shark whisperer!
Noah: ...uh, thanks? (Runs to the Villain's cart and leaps in, Jo takes off)
Sierra: (Steps off the Heroes' cart) all yours.
(Courtney tries to pull herself up from the cart, then notices Owen coming)
Courtney: oh, no, no, no, no, no-
(Owen jumps into a cart and a loud crunch is heard)
Lindsay: (Struggles even harder to pull the cart) waaaay too heavy! Arms feel like ripped stocking thingies!
Owen: (stands, revealing the cart is now stuck on his butt) oopsies. (Chuckles) oh well. TO THE SPA HOTEL!! (Starts running with the cart stuck to his butt, dragging Lindsay along who is holding on by the bar)
(Cut to Jo once again running through the woods, this time with Noah in the basket)
Noah: hey, Jockstrap, what do you know about that Dawn girl?
Jo: eh, she's some kind of freaky aura reader, or some crap like that!
Noah: Aura reader? So she's some kind of psychic?
Jo: I don't know! Can we just focus on getting the Spa Hotel?! And this BETTER be the right key this time!!!
Noah: oh don't worry. This is the one. (Reveals the key to be shaped like Chris' head) like I said, Chris is getting predictable, so the one that looks like him, it's gotta be it!
Jo: that's.... not a bad idea, string bean!
(They arrive at the spa hotel, Noah confidently sticks the key into the lock and... it doesn't work)
Noah: wait what.... WHAT?! No! No-no-no-no! It's a Chris key! It should work!!!
Chris: (Over the loudspeaker, laughing) getting predictable eh, Noah? I knew you'd go for the Chris key; I just wanted to mess with you! (Laughs uncontrollably)
Noah: (Growls) my hatred for you is unexplainable!!!!
Jo: yo! Less rant, more run! Let's get a move on! (Noah sits back in the cart, pouting as they head back. At that moment, Owen runs in, Lindsay still being dragged by the cart, bouncing up and down. Owen tries his key; it doesn't work)
Owen: aww, beer nuts! (Takes a closer look at the key) wait a minute. (Suddenly eats the key and spits out golden foil) WOO-HOO! Chocolate key! (Chuckles) aw, there's light at the end of the tunnel! (Stomach starts to rumble) uh-ooooh. I think I have to go number poo soon!
(Confessional: Courtney)
(Courtney is hyperventilating rapidly into a paper bag)
(Confessional ends)
(Cut back to the cliff, Mike is stretching)
Zoey: (Points to Lindsay and Owen) Oh, there they are!
(Owen runs in, Lindsay still hanging on to the bar, she finally lets go and collapses into the sand)
Zoey: (Kisses Mike on the cheek) Good luck!
(Mike freezes up, and then backs up in a dazed state babbling, He backs up into Gwen, sending them both off the cliff)
Gwen: (Re-emerges from the water, confronted by two sharks grimacing at her) Whoa, nice sharks!
(Fang rises up behind her, Mike having hit his head)
Duncan: (Gasps) Gwen!
(Suddenly, a rock conks Fang on the nose)
Zoey: (Spinning the medallion Mike gave her around like a slingshot) Sorry! (She then tosses three more rocks, knocking Fang out as well as the other two sharks)
Mike: (Shouting up to Zoey) Thanks!
(Heather, Brick, and Cameron look impressed; Lightning just scowls)
Heather: (Impressed) Woah!
Brick: (Salutes Zoey) nice work there, Zoey!
Zoey: Well, after all the times he saved me, I owe him one!
Gwen: (Leaps into Jo's cart) Hurry!
Jo: (Racing along) You think I don't know that?
(Sierra helps Lindsay pull the cart clean off of Owen's butt)
Owen: OH SWEET APPLE COBBLER, that's a relief!!! (Bolts towards the communal bathroom) IT'S ALL YOURS, MIKE!!!
Mike: (Shouting to Owen) uh, thanks, buddy!
Courtney: (Gasping, crawling out of the carriage) Wait! (Collapses on the sand)
Sierra: (Confused) Hmm, so that's why it felt so lumpy.
Owen: (Comes back momentarily) huh, so that's why it kept kicking me and telling me it was gonna kill me.
(At the spa hotel, Gwen's key doesn't fit)
Gwen: Darn it!
Jo: (Groans, slightly out of breath) how hard is it to pick the right key?
Gwen: (Leaps into the carriage, annoyed) Guess you should have been a diver, huh.
(As they leave, Mike passes them, pushing himself along with a stick, with Lindsay staggering behind, collapsing onto her knees)
Mike: (Runs off screen, then runs back) No, back we go... (Uses the stick to move off-screen, Lindsay landing on her face)
(Back at the cliff, Anne Maria is spraying her hair with hairspray; Heather catches wind of her hairspray and is coughing)
Heather: (Coughing) how about a little less poofing, and a little more jumping!
Anne Maria: yo, I ain't jumpin' in these pumps; a'ight, scarecrow?
Heather: (Growls, then becomes eerily calm) wow, I really like your hair, Anne Maria.
Anne Maria: (Raises eyebrow) seriously? Aww, thanks. You know this here spray's 100% waterproof? Yeah, I could get caught in like a flash flood or whatever, and it'd still be as hard as a rock!
Heather: how fascinating.... (Suddenly pushes Anne Maria off the cliff, she lands head first on Fang. A loud clang is heard. Anne Maria falls into the water, and a large bump forms on Fang's head, he passes out)
Anne Maria: (re-emerges from the water, holding a key, staring daggers at Heather) oh if we don't win the spa hotel, you are SO gettin' a beat down, Sticks!
(Right behind her, Dawn lands in the water Indian style, then summersaults into Lindsay's cart, landing daintily on her toes holding a key. Noah's jaw just drops after seeing this)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: ok, psychic abilities AND grace? Something's not right about this girl... and why do I suddenly care?! (Getting nervous) am I... CARING!? But-but I'm Noah... I DON'T DO CARING!!!!!
(Confessional: Anne Maria)
Anne Maria: oh! I get it! So just because I got duped by Chris and that Freak-Zekiel last season, suddenly anyone can just push me around? ...Literally?! Well news flash! I ain't no chump! How was I supposed to know that Cubey Zircum-whatever wasn't a real diamond?!
(Confessional Ends)
(Back at the cliff, clearly Anne Maria and Dawn's keys didn't work either, for now Brick and Heather are preparing to jump)
Brick: time to win this!!! (Cannonballs off cliff)
Heather: Finally! (Screams as she jumps)
(Brick dives into the water, the sharks dive after him. Brick emerges with a key)
Brick: (Smiling triumphantly) mission accomplished! (Suddenly, what looks like Fang's arm, pulls Brick under, and Brick starts screaming in agony under the water)
(Underwater, Heather grabs a key and swims to the surface)
Heather: (Jumps into the villains cart) Suckers! (Jo runs off, pulling Heather)
(Brick emerges from the water, his eyes crossed, a big dopey grin on his face, covered in scratches and bruises, holding the key)
Brick: (Derpy) duh-heeey!
(Back at the spa hotel, Jo is clearly getting winded from pushing the villains back and forth)
Jo: I haven't been this tired since I ran that septathlon!
Heather: (Running back, leaping into the cart) It doesn't fit! C'mon, let's go!
(Lindsay arrives in just as they leave, struggling to push a broken and derpy Brick. She groans and comes to a stop, falling to her knees)
Lindsay: (Tiredly trying to shake Brick awake) c'mon, Brian. Wakey-wakey-eggs-and-fakey!
Brick: (Giggles) the pink platypus ated my facon! (Slides off the cart and lands on his face)
(Confessional: Lindsay)
Lindsay: I wanna win the million so I can spend it on a lifetime supply of lip gloss, or a romantic date with Taylor- er Tyler, but I forgot how hard this is! Never thought I'd say it, but no lip-gloss or date is worth this!
(Confessional Ends)
(Back at the cliff, Scott is clinging in fear to a rock, while Lightning, Anne Maria and Noah try to pull him off, the robot placed right behind them)
Duncan: It's your turn man.
Scott: (Shrieking) No, you can't make me!
Lightning: Oh yes I can! (Tugging harder)
Courtney: (Points out Lindsay approaching) Here comes Lindsay!
Mike: (Shoots Zoey a thumbs up) Good luck, not that you'll need it. (They both smile as Zoey dives off the cliff)
Duncan: You have to dive, it's you or the robot, and I'm pretty sure the robot isn't waterproof!
Scott: (Shivering) Yeah, but it's sh-sh-shark proof!
(Zoey confidently jumps in the cart, while Lindsay groans and pitifully pushes the cart)
Chris: And the heroes take the lead for the first time in this challenge!
Villains: DIVE!
(At last, Lightning Anne Maria and Noah pull Scott free, but Noah knocks into the robot, pushing it back)
(The robot rolls to the edge of the cliff but then stops. The robot beeps in what looks like it is saying "uh-oh," then the edge of the cliff breaks, sending the robot falling off the cliff, bouncing off the rocks, the other contestants watching as it falls, cringing in sympathy as It lands in the water)
Heather: (Smirking) So long and good riddance.
(The robot sinks to the bottom; the sharks swarm at it, trying to bite it, but not leaving a dent. The robot sparks and sputters, the sharks backing away from it in fear, then it explodes, sending a familiar looking person inside flying into the sky. The camera pans up as the person reaches the top of their arc, revealing the person inside to be ALEJANDRO, albeit with a new 5o' clock shadow, longer hair, and tattered, stained clothes. He winks at the camera and grins. The rest of the contestants, except Dawn, Mike and Cameron, all gasp in shock, but Heather screams the loudest)
Heather: You have got to be kidding me!
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: (His jaw is dropped in shock. Then he suddenly slaps himself across the face) ok, I did NOT see that coming! Leave it to Eel-ejandro to make an entrance like THAT!
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: (Reclining, legs crossed) Last thing I remember, I was burned to a crisp by the volcano, and Chris sealed me up in that robot suit, to 'heal'. It feels so good to be free after all this time! I must thank Scott for his cowardice!
(Confessional ends)
(Alejandro lands perfectly on the beach, and snags a key just as it comes near him. He raises his eyebrows as the Villains yell words of approval. Suddenly his legs become wobbly, he falls over, causing all the others to cringe)
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: I was stuck in that robot suit for 2 years! My legs are so asleep, it's like they're in a coma! (He lifts one leg and shakes it) Wakey, wakey! ...Nothing.
(Confessional ends)
(At the spa hotel, Zoey rushes back to Lindsay's cart and jumps in, while Lindsay catches her breath)
Zoey: Wrong key, so much for our lead.
(At that moment, Jo enters again, this time pushing Alejandro)
Lindsay: (Gasps) Jalapeño? When did you get here?
(Jo carries Alejandro up the steps)
Alejandro: Silly Lindsay, I was here the whole time! (He slips his key into the lock, and it opens the door) Finalmente!
Jo: (Sighing in relief) finally!
Chris: (Flies in on his jetpack) The door is open! The Vultures win! (Zoey and Lindsay groan)
Jo: (Sniffs, cringes) eeww! What's that smell? (Glares at Alejandro) when's the last time you took a bath, Smell-a-jandro?!
Alejandro: (annoyed) 2 years ago and... (Sniffs, cringes, then groans in frustration) oh mierda, I know that smell!
(Right at that moment, Owen enters with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, sighing in relief)
Owen: oh sweet sarsaparilla, I don't know what was in that key, but it did NOT agree with old Thunder Tummy! (Chuckles, notices Lindsay and Zoey) oh hey guys, what I miss? (Notices Alejandro and gasps) HOLY CRABCAKES!!! Al! Aww it's been two years, buddy!! (Chuckles) remember? When Heather pushed you off the volcano? Ha! You remember, right, Al? (Every time Owen says Al, Alejandro's eye twitches) Al? AAAAl? Al!
(Fade out, fade back to the island at night; then we cut to the campfire pit. The Heroes are all sitting on the logs, Brick now has an icepack over his head, and surprisingly the villains in some bleachers right behind them with a peanut logo on the front. Chris of course is standing behind the barrel at the front)
Chris: Welcome to the first elimination ceremony! How do you like the new peanut gallery, eh? Now the winners can watch the opponents give someone the boot before they head to the spa hotel for a deluxe dinner! (The villains high-five. But Gwen is walking up to an annoyed Courtney, hiding something behind her back)
Gwen: Hey, even though I technically didn't do anything wrong... I'm sorry about the way the whole 'Duncan' thing went down. (Pulls out a bouquet of flowers from behind her back, smiling) here, I picked these just for you. (Courtney sneezes) Oh no, you're allergic? (Shrinks back keeping the flowers away from Courtney)
Courtney: (Scowls) Told you, you were a villain! (Sneezes again)
Chris: Before we start, I need one winner to volunteer for a special reward.
Lightning: (Slides over to Chris) Ha, sha-Lightning!
Chris: (Smirking) Great! Your reward is spending the night in exile on Boney Island with all the hungry wild animals!
Lightning: Aw, how is that a reward?
Chris: (Holding up a McLean Invincibility Statue) Because there's a McLean Invincibility Statue hidden somewhere on Boney Island! Find it, and you're golden.
Scott: (Growls) Now he tells us. What if I volunteer in Lightning's place for exile?!
Chris: (As Chef leads Lightning to the boat of losers) sorry, dirt boy, no tradesies! Once you volunteer, you're exiled! Oh, and if you dodge your exile, you're out! For good! Do not go to bonfire ceremony, do not vote, do not collect 1 million dollars! (The contestants all gasp)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: I stand by what I said about Chris being predictable. It's predictable HOW DEMENTED HE IS!!!!!
Chris: (From loudspeaker) aww, love you too, buddy! (Chuckles)
(Confessional ends)
Chris: This year, you get to vote by placing an x on the 8x10 photo of the person you want to eliminate. (Pointing to the outhouse) Now, get voting.
(Confessional: voting)
(In the outhouse, Brick, Mike, Zoey, Cameron, Dawn, Owen, and Sierra place X's on the photos without revealing who is on the picture. Courtney publicly shows her drawing an X on Lindsay's picture. Lindsay has a picture of Courtney, thinks for a second, then draws an X on her own face)
(Voting ends)
Chris: (Holding a tray of regular marshmallows) Okay, the following people are safe. (Flicks marshmallows at the named people) Cameron, Sierra, Zoey, Mike, Dawn, Owen (The marshmallow lands in his mouth), and Brick.
Dawn: (Looking concerned at Mike) oh, I do apologize for voting for you, Mike.
Mike: (Shocked) wait, you voted for me? ...Why?
Dawn: it was nothing personal I assure you. I did it for your welfare! (Whispers into Mike's ear) HE is coming back! (Mike looks shocked)
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: what did Dawn mean "HE is coming back?" who's "HE?" (Gasps, looks even more worried) is Mike in danger?!
(Confessional: Mike)
Mike: that was weird. What did she mean, "HE'S" coming back? (Gasps, eyes widen) wait, could she mean.... Nah! He's probably LONG gone by now.... Right?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Yells through a bullhorn in Dawn's face) GETTING BACK TO ME NOW!!! (The force of the sound blows Dawn into the peanut gallery, where she lands in Noah's lap. Noah looks surprised while Dawn blushes a bit. Chris turns back to Lindsay and Courtney) Lindsay, you're on the chopping block for your terrible driving skills. And Courtney, you're on the chopping block for making Lindsay drive.
Lindsay: Yeah, what's the matter with you?
Chris: And the loser is... (The camera focuses on the two back and forth for a couple tense seconds) Lindsay! (Tosses the last marshmallow to Courtney)
Lindsay: (In relief) Thank goodness! Wait; do I have to ride that scary catapult thingie?
Chris: (Grinning maliciously) Nope! This year, we've got a brand new elimination device!
(We then cut to a giant toilet at the end of the Dock of Shame; Lindsay is sitting inside it, while Chris and the heroes stand in front of it)
Chris: Behold, the Flush of Shame! -patent pending!
Heroes: (Disgusted) Ewww! (Sierra takes a photo with her Smartphone)
Owen: (Chuckles nervously) good thing I didn't use THIS toilet!
Lindsay: Well, see you guys. It's been- (Before she can finish, Chris pushes the button on a remote control, sending her flushing down the toilet. A wave of toilet water washes over everyone except Chris, who has an umbrella in his hands)
Chris: (Giggles, tossing the umbrella aside) Who will be flushed into the history books next, find out when we return, on Total Drama All-Stars!
(End Credits)