Toni
Janet woke me up so early that a hint of the night still lingered when I glanced over at the slightly parted blinds. It was her lips grazing my neck, her hands rubbing my stomach, and her legs intertwining with mine that made it okay. It was a great start to the morning.
"Hey, hey, touchy feely... What are you doing?" I mumbled. I was still so sleepy. And though it felt really nice, I knew I had a long day ahead of me and needed all of the rest I could get right now.
"Nothing. What are you doing?" Her voice was so raspy, she may as well have smoked a pack a day.
"Just trying to get some sleep."
"No." She said.
"No?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Well... actually, okay. Go back to sleep."
"You woke me up already, Jan. What do you need?" I mumbled.
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
"Oh."
"I need you to promise me something." Her hands were so soothing against my skin. She could get me up like this every day.
"What is it?"
"No matter what happens today, what they say about us, or you... just don't let it infiltrate what we've got, okay? At the end of the day, you and I are in this relationship. Not anybody else."
I grew somber at the thought of worst-case scenarios with my family. I had the potential to tear us all apart today. There was a lot riding on this overdue conversation, though I didn't want to think about it.
"I know."
"I want you to know I am gonna love you regardless of whether or not we gain approval. And I just hope you feel the same."
I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. Of course I knew that. To some extent. It would pain me to no end if no one accepted us or even respected us. But she was right. It was about us. Not them.
"I know, Jan."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
"Today's gonna be just fine, and I'll be on my very best behavior..." She hunkered down under the covers and kissed my back, pulling me even closer into her. "Starting as soon as we get out of bed."
I bit my lip. This is what she wanted all along. I felt her hand reach around to squeeze my breast. "How is your nipple healing?" She asked me.
"You see it every day. How does it look to you?" I glanced down at it just to make sure. Everything was fine. Not painful, just sensitive. And that was fine. I rolled over on my back so that I could see her face for the first time this morning. She could never disappoint me.
"It looks okay. But it feels okay now?"
I looked down and unbuttoned my night shirt. She watched intensely as each piece of my chest was revealed. I glanced up at her with an amused smile. When enough of the shirt was unfastened, she opened it up to see for herself. She didn't touch it, but examined it so carefully, you'd think she was the one that pierced it in the first place.
"It's just about there, yeah. It healed up nice. It doesn't hurt, right?" She grabbed her glasses off the nightstand to get a closer look.
"No, it's just-"
Her open palm barely grazed it, causing me to shiver. She watched my face intently for my reaction. She knew what she was doing.
"Sensitive..." I finished. Janet cracked a toothless smile.
"Perfect. That's exactly the way we want it to feel."
She leaned down and blew air on it as her hand reached into my underwear. It made me shudder in pleasure. "Yeah... see what I mean?" She kissed the spot right next to it and then got up to pull my pants down. "I'm gonna have so much fun with that..."
"I bet you will." I stuck my tongue out.
She just took a moment and looked at my almost bare body, shaking her head. I waited patiently for her next move. "Look at you," she commented.
"I try not to. All this shit has made me gain probably 10 pounds by now."
"You haven't eaten a full meal in weeks before last night. If anything, you've lost weight."
"Doesn't feel like it."
"Don't even start with me." She did another once over my frame, then leaned down slowly and kissed my stomach with the utmost care. Her eyes bore into mine as she did this, and then she seemed to get carried away and placed them solidly all over my torso in a similar fashion. I ran my hands through her hair. "I want to make you feel as flawless, as sexy... as everybody around you thinks you are. With me at the top of the list."
"Especially not right now, when I just woke up. These bags under my eyes."
She ignored me and continued to kiss my skin wherever she saw fit, and soon her lips were making their way to my bikini line. To be honest, I didn't think I was in the mood, but she could always change my mind at the drop of a hat. It would be a much harder feat right now since I refused to kiss her without having brushed our teeth. It would take some extra time without her lips on mine.
"Let me go freshen up, babe," I pleaded, getting up. "And I'll come right back." She grabbed my hips and pulled them down.
"No. I want you... just like this." Janet ran her hands up and down my thighs.
"I'm not feeling good."
She stuck her bottom lip out, but refrained from any further advances on me. "What's the matter, beautiful?"
"Just stress. I don't know what to do with myself, I mean, I'm not hungry, I can't sleep, I can't give you what you want..."
"Hold on, hold on on... what do I want?" She furrowed her eyebrows, clearly vexed.
"You were just trying to have sex, but I can't even-"
"Listen. All I want is to make sure you're okay. If you're not in the mood, then it's fine. You're not disappointing me one way or the other." She helped me put my pants back on and then took her spot back next to me, wrapping herself around my body any way that she could. I just wanted to stay in this bed and never have to get up.
"I'm so nervous."
"Toni..." Janet drew tiny circles with perfectly manicured finger on my skin. "It's okay. They're gonna see how deeply we care for each other, and there's just no disputing that."
"Can I hold your hand under the table when we eat?" I pouted.
"You can hold my hand whenever you so desire," she chuckled. "If that puts you at ease."
"I think it does."
"Everything will be alright, Toni Michele. This is your family we're talking about. They love you."
"I know..." I sighed. "I know."
"We don't have to be up for probably another hour and a half, so do you wanna talk? Or-"
"Can you just play in my hair?"
"Yes."
She did exactly that, massaging my scalp every so often, as I listened to her calm, steady breathing against my neck. It was dead silent for exactly 90 minutes as I dozed in and out of consciousness, but she was there the whole time, running her fingers through my short locks. And when it was time to get up and start the day, my head felt clearer already.
The sun was nowhere to be found, adding a little to my dampened mood. The morning was humid and rainy, but I kept the windows open to let the calming smell of precipitation keep me grounded.
As we cooked, Janet treaded lightly with everything that she did, making sure not to get in my way or on my nerves. I appreciated it to no end. I was feeling extremely fragile. By eleven, everyone had let me know they were coming by 3, and it all started to feel too real. I had replayed this conversation many times with many different outcomes in my head. But I really wasn't sure what would be the result.
Today was the first day Mommy was able to leave the rehab facility and be out for a while. It wasn't under the best circumstances, but this couldn't wait any longer. She seemed to be the one most upset. It had been almost 3 months since I'd even talked to her, but everyone was telling me she was doing much better, talking more fluently, thinking for herself, and her reaction time had quickened. I was so happy for the recovery, and I couldn't wait to see the progress for myself.
"Alright, Toni Michele, the last thing is the cornbread. It's in the oven now, do you wanna go get cleaned up? It's almost three." Janet wiped her hands on a towel and looked around the kitchen at all of our work in satisfaction.
"Yeah. Let's go." I was covered in flour, my hands felt sticky, and what I really wanted was a hot bath, but there was no time.
As she changed her clothes, I hopped back into the shower. Through the frosted glass of the door, I could see her figure moving gracefully around the room and humming a tune. I smiled. My phone began to ring from my bedroom, and I immediately wondered how long I'd been daydreaming.
"Baby," I called.
"I got it. It's Trina."
"Can you answer it?"
I rinsed off and turned the shower off, listening to the conversation over the phone. "She just got out of the shower, yeah.... okay.... alright... we'll be here.... okay... bye." The tone of her voice was pained and awkward. It made me cringe, dreading what would come when we talked face to face. Janet made her way over to me as I put lotion on my legs. The look on her face said it all. "30 minutes," she exhaled. "And she says Tamar is bringing your mother, so... yeah."
I nodded slowly and watched her set my phone down on the bathroom counter. She had changed clothes that fast into some light wash, tight-fitting jeans and a white hoodie. It was so simple, but she made it look so good.
"I should go check on the cornbread, I can smell it."
"Hey, wait..." I grabbed her arm. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just... she sounded so off-put. Already."
I sighed and pulled my jeans on. "Great."
"Let me go check this."
"Come right back, I want to talk to you."
She nodded and left me to finish getting dressed. As a nice touch, I put on the t-shirt from Janet's tour. I needed something loose-fitting so I could eat without guilt. My phone buzzed again, but this time it was Tamar. She would be there even sooner than Trina, so I didn't have as much time as I thought to mentally prepare myself. "Jan," I called downstairs. I was panicking now. I just needed one more moment alone with her, one more pep talk.
"I'm coming, Toni. I'm right here."
I paced my bathroom floor and then looked at myself in the mirror. I looked just about as frazzled and pathetic as I felt. I shouldn't have been so afraid; it was my family. My sisters. My own mother. But their opinions and support mattered too much for me to just be indifferent towards them.
"What happened?" Janet inquired, coming up behind me as I stared my reflection down.
"Nothing, I—"
"Come here, come here."
I stood up straight and she turned me around, leading me into my bedroom to sit on the couch. "I hate this."
"I hate seeing you like this..." she urged me to lay my head on her lap. "I think you're over speculating. I think it's not going to be nearly as bad as you think. And I think that once you get to talking, you'll start to wonder what you were so worried about in the first place."
I covered my face with my hands out of embarrassment. She moved them away immediately, but I kept my eyes closed. "This is so stupid."
"Quit invalidating your feelings. It's legitimate."
I didn't say anything. "Open your eyes, Toni. I need you to look at me."
I did so, slowly, and met with her face full of genuine concern.
"I'm gonna be right there the whole time, holding your hand, backing you up. You're not doing it by yourself, remember?"
I nodded as I took a deep breath. Janet leaned down and kissed my forehead gingerly, then my nose, and finally, my lips. It was, surprisingly, the first time we'd kissed all day, and I realized it was what I needed to ease the tension I felt, all this time. What had we been waiting on? I reached up and held her face, deepening it as time went on. But she pulled away. I frowned.
"I'm getting carried away. We need to stop."
"No one is carried away. We're perfectly capable of stopping when necessary. Come here." I tugged on her shirt. She pecked my lips one last time.
"No, honey. I have something for you after they leave."
"Something like what?" I inquired.
"You just focus on getting through this. Don't worry about it."
"I hate when you do that," I pouted.
"I know, it's the worst. Now come on, let's set the table."
When we made it to the kitchen, I'd almost forgot we cooked so much food. My entire island was filled with pans and serving platters. Since my mother had just had such a traumatic health scare, Janet thought it a good idea to make healthier alternatives to some of the things we ate, and surprisingly enough, it tasted just as good. She was always so mindful like that. The table was set and all of the food was ready. When I checked the time, it was five minutes til three.
"What made you want to wear this shirt?" Janet asked, noticing that I sported her paraphernalia today.
"I don't know. Subliminal messaging?"
She cocked an eyebrow. "Okay... subliminal messaging... got it." She nodded her head slowly, and I shrugged. I didn't have a real reason. It just made me feel more comfortable at that very moment.
My doorbell rang, causing my heart to pound at two hundred beats per minute.
"Hey, hey, deep breath... deep breath," Janet grabbed my shoulders and looked me directly in the eye. "It's just family. Everyone loves you unconditionally." She began to lead me to the front door. I wouldn't have moved from my spot in the kitchen if she didn't drag me. I hated feeling so anxious.
I opened the door to see Tamar and my mother. Tamar was on her phone and didn't even look up until I greeted them as cheerily as I could.
"Hey, y'all! Come in, come in." I stepped out of the way and waited for them to enter to give them hugs.
"Girl, you been cooking cooking? I'm smelling a ham hock." Tamar said, removing her shoes.
"Yeah, it's been a while since we've all been..."
I rubbed my hands nervously on my pants legs. Tamar leaned in and gave me a quick side hug and kiss on the cheek. Out of everybody today, she was the one I was least concerned with. I felt like she was truly on my side. "Mommy, you're looking so much better! How are you?"
My mother was sporting a cane these days, but after the stroke, she needed a full-blown walker. She looked to be about 15 pounds thinner, and the way she moved was still slow, but it was dramatic progress. "I'm well," she said. I gave her a hug and kiss too. "I'm better, I'll say that."
"That's good to hear. Come on, we can go sit in the living room til everybody gets here. Y'all remember Jan."
I motioned to her as she stood timidly behind me, waiting for her cue. She became attentive and asserted herself into the conversation, going for a hug from Tamar. "It's great to see you."
"Janet Jackson really bout to be my sister in law, huh? Amazing," Tamar gushed. I thought she would be over the star-struck thing, but she was still harping on Janet's name. She laughed nervously. Glancing over at Mommy, she looked so uncomfortable.
"Tamar, please don't act like that. Janet's just a person. Like you," I groaned.
"I'm sorry, if you bring a music icon like her into the house, I might act a little different. It's not something you see everyday." She motioned to Janet. I put my hand on the small of her back. She was embarrassed too.
"It's okay, Toni," Janet assured me. I knew by the tone of her voice that it wasn't, but we had bigger fish to fry today.
"Mommy, say hello to Jan. She was there when you first woke up, you probably don't even remember."
"It's nice to see you're doing well," Janet greeted politely. Mommy looked at her and forced a painful-looking smile. I cringed.
"Thank you," She responded slowly.
I could cut the air with a knife.
"Alright. Sit down, y'all, relax. Is it still raining out there?"
"No, it let up... but tell your sisters to move it so I can eat. I haven't all day." Tamar plopped down onto the couch.
Mommy took a while to get settled in. Everything she did was in slow motion, which made me a little nervous, but she looked like she was coping well. She had literally only said two words in ten minutes, which let me know that this wasn't going to be a walk in the park.
Janet sat next to me on the couch, close, but not too close, and rested a hand on my thigh.
"I got a call from Trina earlier, she should be here soon. And Towanda and Traci are in town as well. So just hold your horses."
It seemed like as I talked, all they focused on was the way Janet and I sat next to one another. The attention was in all the wrong places. I shifted uneasily, and Janet squeezed my thigh.
"Where's Vince?" I asked.
"In the studio, cooking up some number ones for me." Tamar flipped her hair. I rolled my eyes.
"I wish you would have brought him, Jan says she hasn't seen him in ages."
"When did she meet my Vincent?" She asked, her voice high and airy. Dramatic, as usual.
Janet spoke up. "This had to be a couple years back now, I was still with Jermaine...um... maybe in '08? It was at a release party."
"Oh. They weren't together yet," I said.
"Um, yes we were. I was cooking for him, and having him at the house..." she snapped me down.
"So, in pursuit." I squinted my eyes and nodded slowly.
"Everybody knew he was mine." She popped her tongue. Janet giggled. It made me smile. I glanced over at Mommy, who just listened with no emotion on her face whatsoever.
"Mommy, you need anything?" I asked. Everybody looked at her.
"No, I'm okay," She croaked.
"What have the doctors been saying about you? How long until you can come back home?"
"It all just depends on her progress and if she's following the program," Tamar said. Normally Mommy would have popped her hand for cutting in like that, but a tight line just formed across her lips with a curt nod. She was still angry. We would have to talk one on one.
The doorbell rang again. "Thank you Jesus," Tamar muttered. I sprang to my feet to get the door, but it had already been opened by the time I made it, and in walked the remaining three. They seemed chipper and light. I immediately relaxed.
"Hey, y'all! Traci, look at you! Losing weight." I hugged everyone.
"And she gave it all to me," Trina muttered as she kissed my cheek.
It took me all three of their greetings to realize Janet was still behind me the entire time. I reached my hand back and she grabbed it as I pulled her forward. "Y'all remember Jan, say hello."
"How the hell could we forget? Miss Jackson, it's a pleasure." Traci practically curtsied.
"Janet is fine. It's good to see you guys again." She held out her arms for everyone to hug her.
"You smell so good!" Towanda gushed as they embraced. Janet laughed nervously.
And then it seemed like simultaneously, they all noticed Tamar and Mommy sitting in the living room and rushed to them. I took that opportunity to pull Janet into the kitchen and make sure everting was ready.
"It's going okay. See?" She assured me as she out serving utensils next to each dish.
"It's just getting started. The silence will settle in, and-"
"Don't think like that. Just relax. Everybody else is fine."
"Not Mommy. She's angry. She'll barely look at us."
"Stop moving for two seconds. Just take one moment." Janet grabbed me and leaned me against the counter. "Nobody is out to get you right now. She's upset, but you have to give her time to adjust. You're gonna have to sit down and have a productive conversation with her, by herself. And see why she feels the way she does. Just roll with the punches, and figure out the rest later." She smoothed my hair down and kissed my cheek.
"Roll with the punches..." I repeated.
She shook her head. "It's that easy."
"I love you."
"I-"
"Who brought the wine?" Trina asked from the other room. "We gon need it today."