"It's easy to be a father, but hard to be a dad."
Number Thirty
Ashamed of himself, Kreuz silently watched his daughter take comfort in the arms of 01. He ached to be the one holding her and stroking her head like he used to do when she was a toddler. A crybaby back then, she often threw tantrums of great scales. He would have to treat her with Pistachio-flavored ice cream every time she fell on her knees or scrape her palms. Any other flavor would only shut her up for half an hour. Undoubtedly, he was the initial reason why she was a spoilt brat. Not that his wife had much to say about that department.
Those first few years of his marriage were the highlight of his life. However, human life was fleeting, and the happiness that made him soar was too fragile to last. He had flown so high that when the time to fall came, he hit the bottom hard.
Now, he was left tangled in the web of lies, hatred and pride, a prison of his own making, preventing him from cherishing his most important person in his world. His treasure. His love.
He should be the one comforting her. Not 01, not anybody. Him.
It shouldn't be like this. Any normal father would have caused hell to break loose. But that was the point. There was nothing normal about him, his life, including the relationship he shared with his only daughter. It wasn't surprising that Faye was ignoring his presence. He had caused her to hate him all this time. Even if it was meant to hide her from greater harm, it was still a poor excuse. She had every right to know the truth. He was foolish to think that deceiving her for so long wouldn't have its repercussions.
No one would ever know, but Kreuz hated himself for being a coward. He gave her up for adoption because he was afraid that he couldn't raise her well. He accepted that he was evil – he didn't want her to grow up in the same environment that tainted him. Ophelia would hate him for that. Despite these, he regretted knowing that Abcidee was growing up without him by her side. But it was their gift for her – for her future, for her shot of an ordinary life.
And he ruined that.
He allowed Abcidee to enter Creed. What kind of devil possessed him to make such an outrageous lapse in judgment?
But how could he not, when the seeing her was enough to shake his very core? She was the spitting image of her mother. The very first time he saw her, his breathe was knocked out of him. He nearly wept at the sight of her so healthy and virtuous and beautiful. He lost all senses of the present, and his mind travelled to a world of 'What if's'. He imagined himself as an ordinary man coming home from work... with Ophelia welcoming him with a kiss, and Abcidee giving him a hug. A loving wife. A brilliant daughter. A happy family. That's how it's supposed to be.
However, life wasn't so simple.
01 was staring at him. Only then did Kreuz realize that he was about to cry. As the Master, he wasn't supposed to show his weakness. He immediately blinked back the tears and turned to 05 and the Filipino boy.
"Leave us."
"Yes, Master."
The two bowed and left at once, while 01 whispered a lame excuse to Abcidee before hurrying away. That left Kreuz and his daughter in awkward silence. He shifted weight, clearly uncomfortable. Now that they were alone, he didn't know what to say; he wasn't exactly good at this... stuff. He didn't want to say something stupid. Of course, he could always play the civil card, but that could backfire. Maybe he could begin by saying something witty. Or not.
Whenever he tried making amends in the past, his daughter would retaliate with a snappy comeback he couldn't respond accordingly with, such as accuses of hidden motives or shutting him up with guilt. Their conversations before always, always, turned to heated arguments. It was like she couldn't stop finding faults in every move he made.
He should have practiced something on the plane. Better, he should have told 01 to stay.
"Do you need something, Master?" she asked in a cold, polite manner, initiating what he already dreaded. Her hands folded on her lap, she sat tall in her wheelchair like a martyr before execution, her face adorning a mask that Kreuz grew to know over the months. She had no idea how much that hurt him.
"I'm sorry," was all he could say, but it was enough to make his breath quicken. He knew those words weren't enough to make her forgive him, but at least it was a start. Today, he wasn't Kreuz the Master. He was Kreuz, her father. There was so much to say. He wanted to get to know her personally, to talk to her, to tell her stories about his childhood, about how he met her mother, and about how once upon a time, he too fantasized being a normal person. He wanted to rewind time. He wanted to open up to her, and hoped that by doing so she would allow him to get to know her. He yearned to hear about her best days in life, her most awkward experiences in school, her likes and dislikes, her hopes, her dreams.
He had been so lonely all these years, his only source of strength being the knowledge that she was happy elsewhere.
He terribly, desperately hungered to be a part of her life.
But how should he start?
"I think I heard you wrong, Master."
She was fishing. She wasn't making this easy for him. Guess, it was to be expected. Like usual, he didn't allow his expression to betray him. Suddenly tired, he sat on the grass by her feet. "Just Kreuz. I want you to call me Kreuz."
The wind caused her hair to whip around her face. Her response seemed like a sigh of resignation; as if she expected that nothing good would come out of their exchange. "Then, do you need something, Kreuz?"
"No," he mumbled, before he looked away. He couldn't look straight at her. "I don't need anything. I-I just figured out that you may have... questions you want to ask."
Her forehead creased, considering his words. "Not particularly."
He waited for her to continue, but as minutes dragged on, it became apparent that was all she had to say.
"Oh. I see. Then...I- you should go now." He immediately stood up, eager to have some caffeine in his system. He should talk to her tomorrow when he's emotionally stable. "I, We can ready the operation within four hours. You good tonight?"
Abcidee surprised him by laughing, the tenseness in her shoulders quickly dissipating. He frowned. What, did he miss a joke?
"No wonder Krad speaks like that. He got it from you."
Huh?
"Speaks like what?"
"Like saying something nice will make you seem weaker. You're thinking through your words before saying it out loud, simulating my reactions. It makes you sound constipated, you know."
"I – what?"
"Never mind." Her brittle smile brightened her bone-white face. It wasn't much, but it was the first time she smiled at him since they met. It was enough to bring out the tears he was trying to keep at bay.
He didn't bother wiping them away, allowing them to stain his dark suit. She can't see me anyway, his mind reasoned. "What do you expect? He grew up having me as his role model."
"And not a good one at that."
"I can never agree more."
With a shaky laugh, Kreuz Creed realized that he wasn't the only one uneasy with their situation. Instead of thinking about himself, he should understand that it must be hard for her too. They were technically strangers, if not enemies, and he couldn't expect her to warm up to him at once. He had to take it slowly, step by step.
Just as Vladimir said before he boarded the plane, "The worst nightmare for any parent is when your child doesn't value you as one. You've got to change that, my friend, because so far, your score is not only zero, but second to negative infinity."
*
Unedited