RIP Mac Miller. I wasn't a fan but it's sad that someone so young died.
Mackenzie
There was a knock on my door as I pulled on my black ripped jeans. "Who is it?" I called to whoever was outside. "It's Johnny." The voice answered and I rolled my eyes. I looked in his mirror and saw myself clad in nothing but jeans, a bra, and socks. "Fucking fat ass," I muttered and looked away. I have to go to school today and face everyone there. So long story short, I am NOT thriving. All of my feelings about myself returned after I admitted out loud that I hate myself. I've felt it for a while but I've just tried to avoid it. "Kenzie?" Johnny called from behind the door and I was snapped out of my thoughts. "What do you want?" I asked annoyed as I pulled on a plain purple pocket t shirt. "I wanna talk to you, I woke up at 4:20am just so I could because I knew you would be awake soon." He's right, it's 4:54 right now and I woke up twenty minutes ago. "Kenz?" he called again and I walked to the door and flung it open. He looked really fucking good, like really good. He was leaning against the doorframe in a white Off White t shirt, black ripped jeans, and black socks. His hair was done nicely and he smiled his cute smile that showed off his straight white teeth. I don't like John but I can admit that he's fucking hot. I cleared my throat after I finished checking him out and looked into his eyes. "What do you want?" I asked and folded my arms across my chest. His smile turned into an annoying smirk that I've seen him use on Lauren before that I can't stand. "Well, I know you want me, based off of how you just stood there, checking me out for five minutes." I scoffed and rolled my eyes but the blush that appeared on my cheeks made him laugh. This is so confusing. One minute he's a jerk, but the next he's nice and funny. At first he hated me, then apologized and was nice to me, but then just yesterday he told me to kill myself.
"What do you want?" I asked again, ignoring his comment. He laughed again and his smirk turned back into that smile that I like. "Cmon, please just talk to me before school? I need to explain myself for yesterday and we need to talk about you going back to school." his smile that was there before was replaced with a serious expression that let me know he wasn't kidding. I didn't want to go with him but I know that I should. He could tell I was conflicted because he softly took one of my hands and forced me to look in his eyes. "Please?" he said quietly. It was like all of the anger and hate I had towards him, towards everyone, disappeared and I nodded, allowing him to interlace our fingers and lead me downstairs.
I was sitting at the table waiting for him to finish pouring his cup of coffee when he spoke up. "How the hell do you do this everyday? I'm practically sleepwalking." he said groggily and I laughed at his ridiculousness. A grin appeared on his face and he turned towards me with two cups in his hands before setting them down on the table and sitting in front of me. I took the one that was closest to me and took a sip. He raised an eyebrow and I just shrugged, "Tastes better without sweeteners and stuff" I said and he just nodded before taking a sip of his and grimacing at the taste. "No, you're just weird." he said and poured some creamer in. I laughed and sipped my coffee again. There was a few minutes of silence between us before he spoke again. "So, let's start on yesterday." I nodded and he continued. "I didn't mean anything that I said. Nadia said it to me before I left so it was just fresh in my mind, and when you got me mad I said it because I knew it would hurt your feelings." "It didn't hurt my feelings John," I interrupted, "I get it all the time, it didn't really faze me." His eyes saddened and he nodded but continued. "Well, I was trying to hurt your feelings because I was mad. I have anger issues, serious ones. Nadia got me really angry before I left, insulting you and she stopped me from doing something that I really needed to do. I took it out on you and said one of the most vulgar things in the world. You didn't deserve that, I'm sorry." As I stared into his eyes I could tell that he was sincere.
" You hurt me yesterday, Johnny." I answered and a confused look spread across his face. "But I thought you said-" I held a hand up to signal that I wasn't done. "You words didn't hurt me, the fact that I was right hurt me. I was right that you were just out to hurt me and that the acting nice was just a facade to get me to trust you. It succeeded, somewhat. At first I 100% believed that you were just faking but then you kept it up and helped me when I passed out. If you were faking you would have just laughed like everyone else and left me there, but you didn't. After that I just got really angry. Angry at you, the people at school, hayden, my parents, basically everyone. That's why I didn't come out of my room for a while because I was afraid of yelling at everyone and releasing all of the anger I had towards you all." I looked back at him and saw that he was still listening intently, eyes locked on me. "That day when you came outside I just couldn't hold it back anymore and I just exploded. It was about time though, I've been like a ticking time bomb for a while now, years actually. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't mean what I said, because I did. I meant every single word. Nadia really is the leader of the group, she really is the girl Hayden cheated on me with, she really does hate me. I know that you don't believe me because she's your girlfriend but it's true. I wanted to tell you before but I didn't want to ruin your relationship either." It felt weird to be telling him all this, all my feelings, but I kept going. "Everything you've been doing has been fucking with my emotions and my thoughts. It's so confusing, do you like me or hate me? Because you've acted both ways, complimenting me and being my friend but then telling me to end my life the next." he sighed and shook his head. "I don't hate you," he said, "I like you mackenzie, more than I should and I'm scared. I know you don't like me back and I don't want to get hurt by you so I hurt you first, made you hate me. That's where I made a mistake because if I didn't maybe I could have a chance with you," he said and took my hand. My breathing hitched in my throat just like it had when he grabbed it before. I looked down at our hands and felt myself turn red. My hand felt like it was on fire from his touch and electricity was shooting up my arm. I looked back to him and saw his beautiful emerald green eyes looking into my basic brown ones with an emotion that I couldn't read. "I'm sorry for everything I've done, Mackenzie. I really like you and I don't want you to hate me. Nadia was nice to me when we met so we went out, and yes, we hooked up. After though I regretted it, a lot. I was scared though because when we would kiss I would imagine it was you." I was taken aback by what he said but his cheeks just turned red and he looked away before continuing. "So since I couldn't really kiss you, I stayed with Nadia and just imagined it was you. I tried to overlook her insulting you because at least I could keep up my fantasy but doing so was only allowing her to hurt the girl that I really like. And that was the worst mistake that I've made right after hurting you in the first place. My ex...she," his voice cracked when he spoke and all my hate for him washed away and all I wanted to do was hug him and make him feel better. I moved my hand out from under his and interlocked our fingers so he could see that I was there for him. "She-she told me she loved me," he said with a voice so full of pain I thought my heart was going to break right then and there. I lightly squeezed his hand and he looked up at me with watery eyes. "She was my best friend first but we ended up falling in love, or so I thought. I loved her and when she and I started dating it was magical, almost like living in heaven. We went everywhere together, did everything together. I thought we would last forever, but then she broke my heart, broke me. I went over to her house on our anniversary and found her with one of my friends from school." a tear ran down his cheek but he quickly wiped it away with his free hand. "I was completely shattered. All this time I thought she loved me but all I really was was another guy to her. I stayed in my room for weeks, didn't talk to anybody, didn't eat anything except when I had to so I wouldn't starve. It was like I turned into a robot, not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone. It took a while but it eventually got better. I built myself back up but I guess I've never recovered. I've been numb for a while because of her, she took my whole soul away from me and I hate the fact that let her. So I turned cold, became a jerk. I ragged on people, hurt people to make myself feel better. I haven't felt anything for anyone since then until you came along. When you walked in that restaurant my heart turned upside down. You looked so beautiful and that scared me, I couldn't let myself fall for someone again because I knew that if I did they would push me down farther. So I did and said what I did because I felt threatened and I couldn't let that happen. But everyday I liked you more and more and hurting you was like hurting myself. Then everything happened and I realized that I hurt you really bad, that hurt me even more because I had, and still do, have feelings for you." My heart was beating faster and faster the more he explained everything, explained why he did all those things. I couldn't say anything so I stayed quiet and kept him finish. "I wanted nothing more than to make it up to you and show you that I really am a good person but because of my previous actions you didn't believe me, you didn't trust me, and I don't blame you. I tried hard to show you but it didn't work. I hated when that Conner kid and you started hanging out, it made me jealous. I hated the fact that you liked mark more than me because I like you.Then Nadia came and I just got with her to take my mind off you but it ended up just screwing things up more. Now look where we are, I've hurt you so much and done so many messed up things to you but I still like you. I still have feelings for you but I messed up any possible chance of you liking me back." He looked back to me with tears in his eyes before he got up and turned away. He covered his face with his hands and stood with his back to me, I could tell he was holding back tears and quite frankly so was I. All this time I've had feelings for him too but I've always pushed them to the back of time because I thought he didn't like me. I thought he was just like the rest of them but now I'm realizing that he isn't. He's just as hurt as I am and he's made some mistakes. It was easier to hate him then to talk to him and share my feelings like we just did because I was too scared of being hurt. I stood up and walked towards him, he didn't turn around so I walked in front of him and took his hands away from his face. It was red and tear streaked, wet from his crying and his eyes were staring to get puffy. He looked like a sad puppy and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I realized how close we were standing and seconds later he did too. We stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds before our lips connected. Fireworks exploded around us like it was the fourth of July. Electricity raced through my entire body. His lips were so soft and firm and they felt like they were custom made for mine. In all the times I've kissed hayden it's never been anything like this. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer, closing the gap between us. Our bodies were pressed against each other and I felt like I was in heaven. Eventually we had to pull away for air so I moved away and took a deep breath. He did the same and when we caught our breath we looked at each other and smiled. He pulled me in for another kiss and all of the fireworks and electricity came back again. When we pulled away for the second time we leaned on each other's foreheads and caught our breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered and I looked at him the best I could. "It's okay, John," I whispered back and kissed him softly again.
After John and I kissed we sat on the sofa and talked some more, talked about everything that's happened between us and worked it out. We were in the middle of a conversation when lauren came down the stairs and walked into the living room. She stopped when she saw us sitting next to each other, staring as if she was shocked. "I'm surprised you haven't ripped each other's heads off yet." she said groggily, and we laughed before getting up to sit at the table with her and to tell her about us.