It had been five weeks since I'd called things off with Marshall and despite me asking him not to, he called and messaged me daily, but I didn't read them or answer the phone. The temptation was strong but we had to have a clean break and I was trying to be confident that he'd move on soon enough.
I was currently in the worst mood ever trolling Oxford street not enjoying clothes shopping at all. I tried on dress after dress for our engagement party but my bloody breasts had grown and I looked ridiculous in everything.
The past few weeks I'd been in denial although after Detroit I'd stopped taking my birth control pill all together.
Didn't seem to be much point now that it was all over with him and I wondered if subliminally I thought it might harm my baby because I had to be pregnant.
This was the first week I'd actually not thrown up from dusk to dawn.
I hadn't seen a Doctor or even taken a test but my breasts were still sore and growing at an alarming rate, I can't tell you the feeling of getting home and taking my now too small bra off, it was absolute heaven and my moods were all over the place, crying hysterically one minute, laughing hard the next and the ultimate sign in my mind was my recently developed love of chocolate covered in tomato sauce.
I huffed at that why couldn't I have a decent bloody craving. It was well over 14 weeks ago that I missed those pills and didn't read the rest of that packet which also advised to use condoms for seven days after, luckily my stomach looked flat ish still, although my arse was definitely looking bigger.
My current plan which changed on a day to day basis, mood dependant was to keep quiet about it until I could no longer deny it.
I thought of Marshall and how angry he'd be at me, tears stung my eyes at the thought of hurting him and my hand rested on my belly, I felt an overwhelming need to protect this baby at all costs. Protect his children no matter what.
Rohan was just as miserable as me and it wasn't much consolation to either of us, Marcus had disappeared and he couldn't track him down at all. Outwardly we projected a young couple in love, inwardly and alone at my cottage we spent the nights crying in one another's arms
My father was full of joy at our impending nuptials and had already remarked that he'd love to have a grandson as soon as possible, well he might just get that but it wouldn't be Rohan's child that's for certain.
My phone started ringing and pulling it out of my bag I saw my father's number and instead of not answering it like I wanted to I pressed the green button and said hello “Daisy, I need to see you soon, go over a few things for the engagement party, can you let Montgomery know so he can come as well!” he's sounding like a happy father, it throws me off momentarily he's been super friendly and acting like a good father for the first time in his life recently and I had been sucked in briefly.
“I’ll call him and let him know, is the end of the week ok for you, say Friday?” I ask, I've got to see a doctor at some point this week and hopefully before visiting him Friday.
“Yes that'll do nicely, shall we say three o clock" I agree and hang up, I honestly can't deal with much more, I want to call Marshall but that would just be cruel of me, how can he get over us if I keep calling him and leaning on him.
The message alert sounds on my phone, I look at the screen and see Hailie's face, I open her text and it just says that they all miss me and hope that I'm doing alright! I don't reply, I harden my heart and walk on until I finally reach my car, get in and cry unable to move for an hour.
I look through my phone looking for any surgery or doctor outside of London that I can try and get to, I can't see the family doctor because he wouldn't respect the Hippocratic oath. As soon as I left his surgery he would be on the phone to my father, I find a couple in Surrey and ring them, the first one allows me to come for an emergency appointment, I'll have to wait when I get there for an opening but I don't care I just need to know my baby is ok. It's also Friday morning but hopefully I won't be late for the Earl.
I feel remarkably calm when I leave my cottage at eight Friday morning, I already know, I just need confirmation really and to make sure it's alright, at eleven thirty I'm finally called in to see the doctor, I describe all of my symptoms, he asks for a urine sample which he dips something in, he doesn't seem surprised by the positive result, no more than I am and then he examines me, I try to remember the date of my last period but it was so long ago, it's impossible.
He puts me somewhere between fifteen and sixteen weeks, it sounds about right, he asks if I would like him to do an ultrasound, I want to see our baby so much that I agree but the guilt eats at me that Marshall isn't here to see this and be a part of this baby's life.
The image of Marshall's and I baby fills the screen, the doctor plays with the audio and my ears are flooded suddenly by a distorted steady heartbeat, I begin crying and I can't stop, I want Marshall he should be here for this, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that he isn't and so I make a decision to put my baby first before myself, my mother and my father, this baby needs it's dad and I'm going to make sure it gets him.
The doctor measures the baby and tells me it's nearer to sixteen weeks, He says he can tell me the sex and I have to think about it for a moment. I want to find out with Marshall but I don't know if I'll ever get that chance so I say no to the doctor just so I have something to look forward to, I leave the surgery smiling clutching my scan photos to my chest I'm incredibly in love with this baby already and I'm glad it's safe and sound growing away inside me, I no longer feel quite so alone and now I'll always have a piece of Marshall with me.
Now for the worst part of the day visiting the man who calls himself my father, I had informed Rohan of the meeting but I'd phoned on the way to the castle and told him of my plan and not to come, he wasn't in any kind of state to deal with him today anyway.
Today I was going to be brave and tell my father there would be no wedding and that as soon as I could I'd leave England too and try to convince Marshall after all the hurt I'd caused him to take me back and even if he didn't want me, I'd still go to the states so he could be near his baby. I wasn't worried anymore about money, family honour or any of that rubbish, my family was in Michigan as far as I was concerned.
My only worry was that he might keep his threat and hurt us, I tried to have a little faith that it wouldn't come to that though.
As I arrive at the castle and before I leave my car I carefully put away my scan photos hiding them in my diary at the bottom of my bag.
Bernie greets me outside the castle and leads me to my father's study, opening the door for me, he's sat at his desk reading the newspaper.
“Ahh my lovely daughter and Ro?” He stops mid sentance noticing that Rohan isn't with me
“What's going on Daisy, where is he?”, I take a seat opposite him, memories of the last time I sat here flood my mind and I'm suddenly feeling less brave, I find my voice eventually
“He's not coming father, I told him this morning that I won't be marrying him" I say it with more confidence than I feel, the Earl glares at me
“Daisy, do you need a reminder of what happens when you go against me?” he sounds perfectly calm which is even more frightening.
He pushes his phone across the desk towards me “Phone him and tell him it was a mistake and do it now!”
I don't move, I'm starting to feel sick though and internally beg my body not to betray the fact I'm carrying a baby “No, I'm not marrying him or anyone else you want to sell me too, I'm not a brood mare up for the highest bidder", I watch his face as several emotions flash across it but he chooses to laugh at me
“You are whatever I say you are, you are mine to do with as I please and it pleases me for you to marry Montgomery!” he stands, looking down at me and gestures towards the phone again,
“I've met someone and I'm going to live with him" I sound naive to even my own ears, but I'm quick as he picks up the phone and pulling the wires out of the socket and taking a swing at my head with it, I move away from him but he comes after me, grabbing at my dress, tearing it and pulling me back towards him, his mouth right by my ear and he shouts deafening me
“WHO!”
he pulls me around to face him and so I tell him
“His name is Marshall!” I stare him down and see the moment it clicks whom I'm talking about
“The rapper, you've been fucking him? Have you no class Daisy, how could you lower yourself!” he says incredulously.
I shout back at him whilst managing to escape for a second “Yes the rapper and he's amazing" and so begins the mother of all arguments but I'm more than ever determined to not back down.