Some would call me insane for writing so much and for writing in general but I believe in an system of karma and so I hoped for good one if I could only help others with this. If anyone would find this long after I was gone it might've helped them. I took all my writing and bound it together in a folder, treasuring the thing like a pirate. I needed a good place to hide it and since I didn't have an abandoned island at the ready I carried that thing around with me. I sat outside a lot, even writing in my free time during the time I usually had spent with him or her. I didn't feel much remorse, sort of ignoring texts from both of them and evading them in school too, sitting on other tables in class and at lunch, every time they tried to confront me I evaded them. I had spent enough time in the school to know secret ways around it normal people would not even consider.
It was on one of these occasions that I met her. Sophie. She sat in one of the secret old rooms of the school, sobbing to herself. She certainly didn't expect someone to find her as she seemed surprised about me being there. I stepped up slowly to the flickering candles shadow and she timidly said "W-who's there?" "A lost soul." I stepped into the shine of the candle, revealing my face to her. She had long red hair and her figure was tall but also petite as she just sat there on the ground. Her sleeves were long, her socks were just as long, basically showing no skin whatsoever as they went under her long skirt. "Come on. Stand up. This place is too dusty for you." I held out my hand but she pulled herself even more back, the grip on her legs tightening audibly. "I'm not gonna eat you. I may be fat but cannibalism is not on my agenda." She chuckled slightly at my notion, smiling weakly towards me. "Why are you down here?" "Well, my name is Patrick to begin with. You might also know me as the weird kid of senior year, you know, the guy you just kinda have to bear existing.""Sophie. Same though I'm the girl no one notices. Less of a bother." "I sort of tried to evade my friends down here. They wanted to talk to me about certain stuff I'd rather not say out loud." "Well, I'm sort of the emo kid of the semester. The one no one talks about." "I can't imagine why with that beautiful name and that beautiful hair." "Shut up Patrick. I'm really not."
And that was how I went there every break, big or small, if only to talk to her. The self-proclaimed emo witch. I showed her my writing and she showed me hers, resulting in me more than once coming back from school when it was already dark outside. Of course Nick messaged me about it and one time I gathered the courage to actually send him a text: "I met someone. A girl. I won't bother you anymore."I saw him typing but set down the phone, knowing I wasn't gonna change my mind. I wasn't gonna be coming back to being normal old me. Sophie and I were two lost souls in this vortex of life and Nick was gonan enjoy life, being inside of it fully while her and I were visitors in this zoo of life. I did have goals in life but it just wasn't the same than his. Mine were boring goals, having a family and stuff, love and romance without the whole "doing what I want" attitude he had. I wasn't sure what to say to him. I didn't want to pick the phone back up but as the small message light popped up and blinked I couldn't help it. I had to.
It wasn't him.
"Yo."
"Sophie, what the fuck."
"Sorry, had to text you even though we both just left school."
"Well what is it?"
"Do you mind coming over so I can talk to you in person?"
"I mean sure. I just gotta sneak out."
"Okay, see you in a few."
What the fuck Sophie. We literally just were together. I sighed out deeply, getting my shoes back on before slowly and carefully stepping downstairs as I heard the creaking of the boards of the stair. I tried to quickly get out as I heard my father yell from the living room:" Where are you going?" "Meeting with a friend from school. Invited me over." "You're gonna pack a condom for her?" "Dad! What the fuck!" "I just notice starry eyes and hell, I was just like you were acting lately when I met your mom.""Dad, I don't want to talk about this with you." "You never do. Just don't get her pregnant if you do it." "Okay...dad...." God that was a fucking nightmare. This is why we teenage boys, almost adults don't talk to our parents about anything, not the anxiety, not the depression, not the self-harm and the suicidal thoughts, much less relationships and such.
I began walking to her home, questioning why she asked me to come over so late. Was she really thinking about....that stuff? Oh god, why was she so hard to read? Was it her black make-up or just her ocean-blue eyes that you could get lost in as if they were the real deal, just even more beautiful? God, I shouldn't be thinkign liek this about her. She's my friend, nothing else. Just...a friend. Then I realized my position in the world. The gay friend you can cry on, the big brother type of guy who treats you well but he's just the gay friend you have. Oh dear fucking god, why is love like this? Why must I be tormented by it? I sighed out deeply again, the air colder now as it made my breath shine in the light of the street lanterns, small particles emanating from my mouth and nose. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Why the fuck didn't I know? I could never be happy. I can never be happy and will never be. "Godfucking dammit Sophie. God is dead and he should've never existed only to torment us like this."
I didn't mind the cold at all. I always was a cold person. I didn't like any warm climate. The winter where my birthday was always better because my favorite stuff took place there. Hot cocoa after a long time out was enough to satisfy me. This was different. It felt like I was walking to the scaffold out of my own volition. A fucking guillotine I give myself to and the fucking hangman is the person I enjoy spending time with. What a fitting metaphor for death, huh? I mean at the very least from my point of view. I hadn't noticed it but I had already passed her moms flat. The flatblock was the biggest building in town. 10:34 pm. Why do I have to put time marks everywhere? Why do I have to be weird like this? It fucking sucks. I walked back, entering the apartment building, greeting the portier with my head down in my hoody as I walked to the elevator, rising up to the 5th floor. 5.11. That was her apartment she shared with her mom who often worked till the morning hours. A nurse as far as she told me. She never talked about her dad but judging from that I can assume he wasn't there for her. It was a weird thought to not have a dad at all even though mine was weird in his own way; it just was better to have one there rather than not. I knocked on her door and she opened up in a relatively short wear for her, her arms scarred.
The first time she had shown me her cutting scars was already two weeks back. I didn't expect it at the time but once she showed me I felt like an idiot. "Can I show you something?" "Sure." "Promise me you won't judge me." "How bad can it be?" "Very." "Okay I promise by all my non-existant honor." She sighed heavily as she pulled her sleeves up and revealed those deep, red and swollen cuts. No open wounds or anything but still too much for someone to have at her age. Up and down on both arms. "God...." "Don't stare like that okay?" She immediately pulled the sleeves back down. "I understand." I took her into my arms and squeezed her tightly, knowing how it felt to be this close to the edge of this kind of thing. "You think I'm weird now don't you?" "Nah, I get you. I've had these feelings before too. We are all just scared of this world and some of us just act out this fear. I really do get you and I know it hurts and that this world is unfair to people like us and all of these noices and innocent voices whispering sweet nothings to you and telling you you aren't gonna be anything in your life and that you were never meant to even breathe and how life tries to choke us out." I squeezed her tightly between my squishy arms, not letting go even as she moved her arms on my back and slapped it while yelling for me to let her go.
"Hey Patrick. Back to reality?" She gently slapped me on my cheek. "Sorry, I must've drifted off thinking about us." "Oh now you're thinking about being with me when you have the real deal in front of you." She chuckled at me like no ones buisness like she usually did with me, teasing me like that. It was in a friendly way of course but it still wasn't my favorite thing she did. I sighed a little as I walked into the small living room/kitchen/office. "Well, why did you call me over at such a late hour?" "My mom has another shift at the hospital so I'm all alone till the morning hours and I thought some company would keep me busy. Plus you're like the only guy I know that wouldn't take advantage of staying over. All those other idiots would probably try to take a peek or much worse stuff with me sleeping." "Got it." I didn't like the thought of other guys touching her or doing this stuff to her because she wasn't like that, was she? "So what do you have planned?""I dunno Chubbs, maybe a movie, some half-frozen soggy pizza, maybe even popcorn." Chubbs. What a nickname. That's definitely how you wanna be remembered. "Sounds like a plan." "Alright, head to my room. I'll be right with ya." I had never been in her room. We rarely went here to begin with but we usually went into the mixture of every room I was standing in right now. Right down the small corridor, the room on the right. "You sure? I mean, what will your mother think if there is a boy in there with you?" "Well then she can kiss my ass. I do what I want." I gulped down and walked towards it, trying to calm myself as I remembered my dad talking to me earlier. She didn't did she? I wasn't really ready if she really wanted to....Goddammit.
I sighed heavily as I opened up the door, met with a somehow uneasy sight. Her room wasn't as black as I thought it would be; more like....wow. She had posters of horses, a colorful bed and a table with a lamp. This was pretty much a perfectly balanced room, nothing as dark as she always talked about. It seemed almost "too" normal. Too perfect as well. It was just not as expected and so it sorta shocked me and rendered me stunned and paralyzed. I didn't know where to sit down or just stay without destroying this perfect image I saw before me. "So this is a girls room...." It was majestic, as if a unicorn had puked rainbows over this singular room. "Close your mouth before something flies in there." Her voice came from behind me. "Pizza is in the microwave. So, time to pick a movie. Do you wanna have your pick?" "Well you know me. I like unusual stuff. Road to El Dorado." I didn't dare move an inch as she got her laptop from her desk, black of course. "Sit down on my bed while I go search for it online. I'll fetch the pizza once it's done too." I sat down on her blanket, red in color; 11.04 pm. "Okay." I couldn't think about what to say so I just obeyed her. She was searching for a streaming service with the movie on it while she walked around in circles. I don't think she notices when she does that as we heard a "zing" from the kitchen combo room and she walked there with her laptop, getting a plate with some warm pizza on it; ham and mushrooms, before returning to me in her room still in the same position as she left me. "Relax Chubbs. No one is gonna hurt you in here." She snickered, a rare signal from her. "Sorry, just not used to being so close to a girl without her yelling for me to leave her alone, me as a loser slash nerd slash fat guy." I said each slash out loud but only realized it a few seconds after I said it, noticing her laughing. "Pffttt......come on Chubbs....you're not that weird." She sat down beside me, setting the laptop onto her thighs. I glanced over and realized it was sitting there, blushing slightly. She noticed it almost immediately and said in a seductive voice: "Come on Patrick you can look. It's not like you've never seen legs before right?" "Well, no....I just thought it wasn't...appropriate....especially since we're alone." "Oh no, what are you going to do to me mister? Please, I'm just a petite lady. Don't take advantage of me." She was playing it up quite a bit, acting as if I was a sexual predator or something but I must admit it was quite hilarious and so I chuckled. "Come on, you know me better than that." "True." We watched the movie, chuckling after the first five minutes as they jumped out of the barrels with the best small smiles anyone has ever seen. I soon got lost in the movie, only focussing on it, rather than contemplating the world around me for the first time since I....well you know the drill.
It was something new to just sit down with someone aside from my family to watch a movie since usually Nick didn't wanna go and watch one, just like me, but the few times I actually wanted to watch one he never was there. Nick was just someone who did stuff based on what he wanted to do and he wasn't that comfortable with his feelings, especially talking to guys. I got him to open up more but it still didn't feel like he talked to me about everything. Can't really blame him considering I didn't do so either. I don't blame him. I really really don't blame him. I don't blame him. I don't blame him.
-
I did blame him a little. Maybe if he was more open about his thoughts and feelings I could've had the confidence to confide in him. Hell, not even Martha knew the whole catch. I was more of a mental wreck than anyone else knew. Not even I knew the whole gravity at the time I think. Jesus, I should've stopped breathing if I knew what would happen to me. The pain and suffering with that immense weight on my chest. It felt like I was under the water, every breath making me drown more and more as my lungs filled up with more and more water, every breath lining up perfectly with a drip into them till I coughed more and more from it.
"Patrick?" I didn't hear it that time.
"Patrick?" I heard a voice coming from above the water but nothing more.
"Patrick!" The voice yelled out my name.
"Patrick!" I felt it tug at me and I got ripped out of the water by Nick's voice.
I blinked heavily, my eyes filled with tears I hadn't before noticed as Nick's voice became distant again with Sophie physically shaking me and yelling my name. "What?" She was still shaking me, yelling at me. "Patrick don't let go of this world like this. You're the only one I have okay?" I cleared my tears and took her hands off my shoulders which was the point where I noticed she was crying too. I took her into my burly arms and just began hugging her tightly as we both just cried even more in each others arms. We were tired and exhausted as we toppled over and were laying there face to face, arm in arm which was when I suddenly kissed her. "You're not alone." She just chuckled quietly to herself as she closed her eyes and I just followed her, closing my own and laying in her bed with her.