It was as if my chest was collapsing, bone piercing my lungs. I was drowning. Gasping for air. Fingers that claw until their bloody. A throat peeled in desperate flesh. I was muted. I was small.
~ Y/N ~
My legs nearly give out as his footsteps echo down the hall. It feels like I can't breathe, like all the life ~ all the power has been sucked out of me. And suddenly I am helpless. Tiny. A spec as the walls tower over me. The chandelier that hovers as it teases. I only want to be in his arms again.
My tears come soon before the silence is deafening. I can barely process what just happened. Am I angry? Am I devastated? But the lines only blur. And two feelings become one. Sombering like a desperate flame to a wiltering oak.
But the more I thought, the thicker the daze became. I was slipping. Teetering on a thin plank as the wind threatened my balance - I was falling. I was plummeting.
What did he mean by memory? Those were visions, right? Warnings. A prophecy yet to be fulfilled, right? Right?!
I've never done this before?
I've never been here.
Have I?
"Fuck." I whimpered.
Loki.
Why'd you have to go snooping where you don't belong?
Why couldn't you have just listened to me?
Do you really think I'm a monster?
"Knock! Knock! Knock!"
Meek knuckles pressed against Bocote paneling, my ears rose to the sound of company.
"You awake in there, bud?" Steve's voice called behind the railings.
I sucked in an audible sniffle as I stood.
"Can I come in?" He asked softly.
"Go ahead." I muttered.
Footsteps transitioning carpet, he spoke again as the doorknob shifted. "I heard yelling, are you-"
He heaved as my body collapsed into his, the impact forcing him into a slight stumble. I cried in his chest as his arms folded into an embrace.
"Hey? Hey, now. ~ Shh. I got you." He rubbed the mid of my back. "Come on, let's sit down."
Leading me to the edge of the bed, he took a moment to ease me to a seat; resting next to me soon after. His arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders.
He was silent awhile, my sobbing muffled by the fabric in his shirt. He knew how I was when I got like this; to let the initial blow be filtered by the knitting in his sark. Gentle whispers to reassure he was here and willing, and a moment to let the pain dull; at least until I was willing to speak.
But the pain didn't dull. In fact, it festered. Ignited at the bottom of my stomach. Tore at my insides. A fullness where emptiness should lay, I felt soured.
He held me tighter as that registered to him. That this was different. That this was heartbreak. And that he, as well as I, was out of his element.
"Boys, huh?" He chuckled nervously.
I could feel him cringe against my shoulders. "I...Sorry."
The room awash with broken sobbing, he took a moment to think before speaking again.
"Hey....Remember that S.H.I.E.L.D picnic?" He started. "Your freshman year, remember that?"
"It was your first event as a student and you were petrified. You didn't even wanna leave your dorm. - You just hid in that cupboard behind the stereo and didn't come out until Sam had to squeeze in there and talk you out himself."
"Bees and Stingers. He said. Hollow fears are just misconceptions. And if the world fought every bee that buzzed a little to close; the world would never know the beauty of a flower. ~ Man, I could have sworn he stole that from somewhere." He snickered to himself, I could feel the tension in my chest easing.
He sighed contentedly. "But when the two of you had finally crawled out, the picnic was already over. The students had left, the officials had packed up. All that remained was You, I, and well..all of the Avengers." He chuckled.
"One of the best nights of my life." He smiled. "The laughs we great. Everyone adored you. And... And I think it was the first time I had met you. The real you."
"Behind the anxieties. The pain. The trauma. ~ Chipped away like coal casing diamond. You lit up the room. - Held the floor like it was yours and for the first time... for the first time you were alive."
"It's weird when you notice you haven't been looking at something, until it looks back at you. ~ I mean, you know it's there of course, but when you see it? God do you see it."
I glanced up at him and sniffled. "What did you see?"
He let out a tickled huff. "A smile. Gentle, but wide enough to show the teeth. One of those jovial little smirks you might miss in a conversation. It- It was really simple but~" He paused. "It meant everything to me. To see you smile. To see you be a person. To know that after everything, you could still be happy again."
"And you can still be happy again." He pressed. "No matter how horrible or how desperate you may feel right now, you can still be happy."
He sighed. "It's not my place to take sides but, you know that I'm here for you; no matter what?"
I nodded.
"Well," He exhaled. "I'm sure this little trouble in paradise won't last too long." He huffed. "Knowing you two."
"No." I shook my head. "No, this time was different. I don't.. I don't know if we can come back from this."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I-" I hesitated. "A few lines were crossed... That shouldn't have been." I stammered.
He nodded. "I see."
I could feel my bottom my bottom lip quiver as my mouth opened to ask; "Do you think I'm a monster?"
"(Y/N)-"
"Be honest with me, Steve. I'm not the same (Y/N) you knew almost a year ago. ~ I'm different. Unstable. Over-sovereigning. I.. I don't even know where I am most of the time."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like I'm caught between two realities. A ripple in the cosmos almost, where I see nothing and I see everything. I feel like I'm constantly pulling myself together, a part of me ripping away and leaving to god knows where before coming back and overfilling me. I feel lost. I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't be here."
"There's something wrong with me." I cried. "Unstable as a person, unstable as a mutant. I just- sometimes I feel like I'd be better off-"
"Stop." He cut in.
"You are here.. for a reason. ~And-And I know that sounds played out of me to say but.. I need you here. I know that sounds selfish. And I don't care. I just- I need you. More than you need me sometimes." He confessed.
Grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look at him, he pressed further. "And why wouldn't I? Just looking at you, anybody could tell that you are special. Not just as this crystal or whatever- but as you. (Y/N), you are special."
My eyes welling up with tears, I protested. "Steve, no. I don't deserve-"
"Look at me, (Y/N)," He stopped me. "Who couldn't love you."
Barrelling into his arms as I sobbed, I held him tightly.
"Thank you, dad."
He nodded. "Of course."
- - -
"This is it." Steve pointed.
Crossing the threshold into the kitchen, I was greeted by the seething gash near the far wall; a familiar scent evading the air.
"Do you think you can fix it?" He asked.
I nodded as I approached it. "Yeah. Yeah, it should be... simple.."
"You don't sound sure?" Bruce added.
"It's just.. it's fascinating." I awed. "Like white blood cells attacking a virus. It's defending itself. I mean look!" I pointed. "There are even small energy waves around its ridges representing osteocytes ~ It's- It's like bone!"
Bruce cleared his throat. "Well, technically osteocytes are microscopic so even if we tried to look we-"
Steve elbowed his side. "So it has..a skeleton?"
"Oh no, but close. It's mimicking a skeletal system to keep itself from collapsing. An energy structure to make sense of its own existence. It's portraying a living being. Even the iridescent colors coating its surface mock skin cells. ~ It's living but it's not." I explained.
"Here," I put my hand the cliff of the portal. "I can hack its central nervous system and override the problem. It should only take a few seconds."
Sending a few accelerating volts of up my fingertips, I altered the patterns of its neurowaves and overthrew its control over itself; Using brute force to minimize the spell into a few cancerous par-cells. The spell easier to control, I simply make shifted a couple particle sized ripples in reality and forced it on the other side. Putting the spell on the outside of the universe.
A smiled. "Fixed."
"That easy, huh?" Steve walked up.
"It's like a living brain almost, nothing a little electricity can't fix."
"How'd you get rid of the spell?" Bruce questioned.
I shrugged. "Kicked it out."
"You kicked it out?"
"I mean if it ain't paying rent." I joked.
"Okay." Bruce put his hands together. "You know what, I don't even know why I expect things to make sense anymore. ~ But I'm happy." He walked over. "Thanks, Munchkin." He kissed my cheek.
"You're leaving already?" I furrowed.
"Well, I'm not leaving yesterday." He put his foot through the portal. "Love ya." He waved.
"You too?" I responded. "Watch your step."
"Watching it." He called back as he jumped out.
I pouted. "He was in a hurry?"
Steve cleared his throat. "Yeah.. He was."
I sighed. "So this is it?"
"Still not coming?"
I frowned. "He'll kill everyone-"
"~Isn't it how it always is?" He finished for me.
I looked up at him and smiled solemnly. "I love you."
"I love you too, kiddo."
"Be safe at home. Tell the others I miss them."
"Sure thing." He nodded.
Pulling me into a tight embrace, he kissed my forehead firmly before heading for the portal.
"Promise me something." He turned to me.
"Of course."
"You'll come back."
A trembling smile as I met his eyes, I nodded and tried well to hold my tears.
"On the rooftop?" My voice quivered.
"Where else?" He smiled.
And with a few final goodbyes, he was gone.
My tears spilled over as I forced the portal closed, my collar wet with sorrow. They were gone. The wound closed where a similar one took its place in my heart. I was... alone.
"Have they left?" Loki's voice called curiously from the kitchen door.
I couldn't even turn to him. "Yeah. Yeah, they left."
"Okay."
Poeticmindseye.