THE THIRTEENTH YEAR Felix knew he was growing.
He had been brushing his teeth when he noticed it for the first time, excitement swirling in his stomach upon realising he could see below his shoulders in the cabinet mirror. Then came the second time, where he had been reaching for the jar of peanut butter, discovering to his delight that it didn't require nearly as much stretching to reach its home on the top shelf as it had before. Finally he became certain he had grown when he stood next to his friend Changbin, who did seem rather shorter than before.
"No way," Changbin shuddered, spotting the change the minute Felix came walking towards him with a suspicious smile plastered onto his face. Truth be told, he had found the sight of the boy walking into his room alarmingly pretty considering its frequent occurrence, heat crawling up his neck instantly.
Felix, who couldn't fathom as to why the boy was embarassed, couldn't help but feel more pleased then sympathetic, "By a whole two inches," he gloated delightedly, curving his fingers in a 'c' shape to emphasise the difference.
Changbin immediately swatted his hand away, taking a couple steps backwards due to finding the news unbearably irritating, "Don't get ahead of yourself — I'm only thirteen — I haven't even started growing yet," he retorted, trying to convince himself more than anybody else.
"Then I haven't either," Felix teased, "I'm only twelve."
"I'll be 6ft," Changbin smirked, walking closer once more and stretching his arm far above his head to indicate, "You'll have to look at my chest when you talk."
Felix tried to contain his smile, letting the look of satisfaction momentarily rest on his friend's features, "Is that so?" he questioned, stepping closer, "Because I think..." he lingered, watching as Changbin continued to smirk at him, "You're bullshitting."
The second the words left his mouth he grabbed the boy's hand and tackled him onto the bed behind. From then onwards, it was a series of half-heartedly thrown punches, leg kicks in defence and shrieks due to instinct that were instantly followed by laughter.
At one point Changbin, who was undoubtedly stronger, had gained the position of being ontop, legs on either side of the younger therefore making it near impossible for him to throw another hit. Unfortunately for him, Felix's new title of being the tallest amongst them didn't change the fact that the boy was still rather small, his flexible limbs finding a way to snake around in such a way that he managed to flip them over, a process which dropped boys off of the bed with a sudden 'thud'.
"Aha!" Felix cried in victory, scrambling to sit atop of Changbin and pinning his arms down to secure his defeat.
Changbin struggled against the grip, trying hard to reclaim his win. After thrashing to the point where even his stubborness knew it was pointless, he let his arms relax, eyes snapping upwards with a glare as they met Felix's triumphant gaze.
If Changbin had been intending to make the younger feel in the slightest guilty, he had gone in the completely wrong direction. The way Felix saw it, the raven-head being annoyed was something similiar to tempting a toddler with a toy that caused it great amusement — a situation far too tempting not to play around with.
The lack of guilt still remained as always, however there was something different about that particular moment, where both of them heaved heavily in order to catch their breaths, a soft pattern of sounds surrounded by the quiet of the afternoon which gave Felix a sense of comfort. Maybe it was just the physcial task of play-fighting which had made him feel warm and quickened his heart, but it was in no way displeasing.
He knew that from the way he hadn't moved either, that Changbin felt the same. Felix liked looking down at the older, who looked just as handsome as he always had except... "Hang on you've got dirt on your nose, " Felix frowned, reaching down to remov—
"SEO CHANGBIN THE LIGHTS ARE SHAKING DOWNSTAIRS — YOU BETTER NOT BE JUMPING IN MY HOUSEHOLD."
Felix sprang back, cursing as he caused another small thud which he prayed would escape the sharp ears of Mrs Seo. The woman was like a ticking time-bomb, always waiting for a chance to explode on Changbin. However she would never show that side to Felix, for she adored the boy nearly as much as her favourite ornaments.
Felix observed as a groan escaped the older, who had heard the same statement hundreds of times, "IT WAS FELIX'S FAULT," he shouted back, both boys sharing a small smile due to knowing Mrs Seo wouldn't buy it for a second.
"DON'T YOU GO AROUND BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR OWN MISTAKES," the older mimicked as his mother screamed the words. Changbin shook his head in defeat, "The day you get blamed for something is the day God tells her i've been sent down as an angel in disguise."
"So never," Felix smirked cheekily, tossing a soft ball straight at the older's face before quickly fleeing back onto the bed.
To Changbin, that afternoon ended up being both a blessing of flailing limbs and a curse of an angry mother.
__
It was no suprise that summer, when Seungmin's sister, Minnie, confessed her feelings towards Felix on the hammock in the Kim's backyard.
Practically everyone knew due to Hyunjin's loud-mouth, which had followed its habit of not remaining shut into middle-school, making it more like adressing the elephant in the room than a surprising confession. He supposed it had been her new friends that had convinced her to bring up the situation, for she did seem awfully pale and hesitant for someone who had chosen to address it solely by themselves.
"I...uhm like you..." she blushed, "I have for a long time."
"Oh," was all Felix could muster as a response. He didn't think there was any way he could've prepared, despite the situation having occurred to many in the past.
He knew something was weird the minute Jisung had called him from Seungmin's phone, telling Felix to come over and play the new game they had been speculating for months, all while Seungmin spoke muffled in the background and Felix stared at the bold letters of his latest magazine which claimed that the game wasn't on shelves to purchase for another two weeks.
When he told Changbin his concerns about something being off, the boy became rather stiff, making it apparent there was something everyone knew apart from him.
The unclarity had pissed him off greatly, however now he was in the middle of the situation he didn't exactly blame them — how could you break something so awkward.
Felix stared down at the sweetly wrapped pink candy in his hands. He much preferred the sour ones, but he wouldn't dare mention it. Minnie had gone out of her way to gift them to him as a declaration, although he had a feeling that they were destined to end up in Hyunjin's pig-sized stomach — but she didn't have to know that.
Minnie and Seungmin were as similiar as they were different, both more uptight than they'd like to admit and showcasing the same wide puppy eyes. However unlike Seungmin whose hair was rather straight, bouncy waves ran down Minnie's back, some even curling just above her waist. Both did exceptionally well in school, consistent praise following them where others could only envy. Felix truly felt lucky to have the pair of them as friends.
However thinking about their similarities and differences didn't change that the same fact still lingered in the air above them, ironically heavier now it was out in the open in comparison to when it had been tucked away.
"Since when did you realise... you know?" he prompted, not sure exactly what he wanted to hear — a weak attempt to break the silence.
"Uh... a couple of years," she replied softly while chewing on her lip, "the others didn't exactly keep it a secret either," she stared blankly at the three extra shadows that were spread across the lawn, indicating that the other boys were peaking over the balcony above.
"That's a long time," Felix commented before shaking his head hastily, "I mean, of course you know it's a long time but—"
"Hey Felix," Minnie interrupted him mid-way, "Can we forget this ever happened?"
"Uh sure," he agreed, relieved he didn't have to finish his sentence because he was positive he didn't know how to. However it took another few seconds before he truly grasped what Minnie was asking of him, "Wait, why?"
"Because if anyone finds out it'll spread quicker then a forest fire and I'll be the laughing stock of the school," she stressed. "Oh God this is so embarassing, I knew I shouldn't have let the other girls convince me—"
"You shouldn't need to feel embarrassed," Felix tried his hardest to comfort her kindly, "We're friends, which means that you can talk to me about anything."
Abruptly Minnie stood up, leaving behind a confused Felix as she walked towards the door. When she turned back she was smiling, however she looked like she was on the verge of tears, "And that's the problem."
She ran hurriedly into the house, Felix following her inside a moment too late, for by the time he reached the upstairs landing he heard the door to her room slam viciously, a very loud sob following it.
"I don't know whether I should punch you because you made my sister cry or sigh in relief because you rejected her." He had walked into Seungmin's red-walled room, to find the boy pacing across it in deep in thought. They hadn't even bothered hiding the fact they had been eavesdropping, for the balcony doors were still open,
"I didn't reject her," Felix furrowed his brows in confusion and Hyunjin had to jump in the middle of them as Seungmin advanced closer.
"DUDE YOU CAN'T DATE MY SISTER THAT'S ILLEGAL," he screamed in panic, lurching forward straight into Hyunjin's back
"I'm not dating her either," Felix stated, his brows furrowing further — he truly was perplexed.
Seungmin who had been repeatedly whacking Hyunjin's arms in an attempt to be released, stopped suddenly, "Then what the fuck did you say?"
"I told her that we're friends," Felix stated simply.
Seungmin gaped at him, for the first time since Felix had befriended him, the boy seemed to be in disbelief, "Y-you what?"
"I said we're friends," Felix repeated, "And that I'm here if she needed to talk to someone."
"No wonder she's sobbing a waterfall into her favourite teddy bear," Seungmin snapped, "Did not one of your brain cells tell you that that's the shittiest way to make someone feel better after their feelings are confirmed to be unrequited?!"
"So I still have a chance?" Hyunjin awed, but hurriedly cleared his throat as Seungmin's glare burned into him.
"I don't understand," a wave of guilt flooded Felix, it didn't help that the word 'unrequited' was totally new him, making him feel much more dumber than he already did.
"She knew you didn't like her back Felix," Seungmin explained quietly, his gaze softening once he saw that Felix too, looked like he was on the verge of tears, "And you not being direct just made her feel worse. She said it so she could clear the air but you didn't understand how much she truly liked you."
"I should go apologise," Felix moved to walk out the room but Seungmin grabbed his arm.
"Felix she knows you didn't mean bad," he smiled, "But I think she just needs some space."
Understanding the complexities of adolescent relationships, seemed to be something only Seungmin could muster at the age of twelve. For after walking out the house two conversations later, Felix didn't feel any more wiser than he had when walking in.
__
That day, temperatures had exceeded the average, becoming the hottest day they had that summer and unfortunately, the night was no exception to the sweltering conditions, not even a gust of wind blowing to cool them down.
For Felix any minor chances of sleeping in the unbearable conditions had been ruined by the day's events. Continuous restlessness had left him stuck with unwelcomed thoughts and without the daze of sleep to block them out, he felt defensless as they chewed up his brain.
It had been approximately an hour after he had first laid himself in bed, sheets thrown halfway across his room when he remembered something that Seungmin had told him a couple of years ago, the memory causing him to hurriedly sit up and gaze out of his window.
Opposite him he could see the soft glow of a blue nightlamp, next to which a figure sat, looking deeply immersed into the book which it clutched. Sighing in relief he leant out of the window, "Changbin," he hissed at the older, unable to fathom how the boy could concentrate on reading in the heat that he was positive had begun to melt his mind.
Thankfully, the older heard him at once, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he made his way quickly towards the window. It was only when he came closer, Felix realised that the older was shirtless, looking slightly more muscular than he had in the previous years, wearing the black framed glasses he often wore when studying.
Felix was glad it was dark, and that the older was at a distance where he was able to miss his stutter, "I-I can't sleep."
Changbin chuckled, "I don't think anybody can in this heat."
Silence quickly washed over them but the older was quick to break it, "Jisung filled me in on what happened."
"I'm glad." Felix sighed, feeling like at least one of his nerves in the bundle knotted inside his stomach had been untangled, "I feel far too awful to explain."
Changbin gave him a reassuring smile, "It's only a crush she'll get over it."
"That's why they're called crushes," Felix deadpanned, "They suck."
"Woah," Changbin gaped, clearly not expecting such an interpretation from the younger, "How did you become a love genius so quickly?"
"I didn't," Felix mumbled sheepishly, "She posted it on her snapchat... Figured it was an indirect."
"Yikes."
"Binnie," Felix began nervously, unconsciously drumming his fingers against the windowsill, "I was thinking, and I remembered something Seungmin told me a few years back..."
From what he could make out in the dim lighting, Changbin's soft gaze was watching him attentively, encouraging him to go on.
"He said that Minne complained about you and I spending so much time together..." he swallowed, "So much so that people would think... well think that w-we're dating."
For a long time Changbin didn't say anything at all. It was hard to make out his reaction clearly through the darkness, so Felix — both overheating and overwhelmed to think before he spoke — decided to continue on.
"And the thing is," he laughed at how naive he had been, "I remember there being a part of me that felt... proud almost, because I took up your time."
After a few moments of bringing back the silence, Changbin spoke gently, almost as if he were treading on glass and had therefore taken the time to decide on what exactly he was going to say to ensure he didn't break something into pieces that he couldn't begin to figure out how to put back together.
"Of course you did," he finally spoke, a wide smiled drawn across his face. Felix wished he could've said it was unnatural but the older was terribly convincing, "You are my best friend after all." Seeing Felix's worried expression he reassured him, "People will always assume things, but you're the one who knows the truth so don't listen to them."
The conversation was soon dismissed, leading both boys to assume that the other had buried it deep beneath the lighter topics that followed, yet neither of them felt more at ease than they had before. Like an unspoken rule, neither mentioned anything more about it for a very long time, not even the slightest reference towards it during the year next year.
That night Felix went to bed, realising how the word 'friend' — which had always seemed like such a blessing — could find a way to cause a sting in a place that it had once warmed, turning hot days and nights into suddenly cold and painful ones.
Yet the hardest thing was that he couldn't figure out why, especially in his case, let alone seek the answer from anybody else — especially not in Changbin — his so called 'best' of them all.
____
notes
word count; 2822
longest chapter so far! i haven't been this productive with writing in months
thoughts on this chapter? ♥️