The ride back to the Chateau was absolutely painful. Your three friends had to be transported to the hospital for a check up (although the doctors assured that if they were alright, they'd be sent back home), meaning you were stuck with Haise alone for the whole drive back. Like you said, painful.
"Do you realize how bad the situation is for you, (L/N)?" The superior sternly said, making you shiver. It wasn't a good sign when Haise Sasaki himself calls you by your last name.
"Yes." You monotonously answered, keeping your gaze on your hands, resting on your thighs.
"And you realize that by disobeying my orders, you risked not only your life, but your friends' lives as well?"
"Yes."
"Then can you tell me just why in the hell did you do that?"
You knew he was holding back from completely lashing out at you. He might seem calm, but you could basically feel the anger radiating off of him. You wouldn't even be mad if he yelled at you like he probably wanted to, you deserved it after all.
"I..." You sighed when you realized how dumb the answer sounded. "It was a shortcut."
"You're telling me you risked your lives for a shortcut ?" He asked, bewildered. He was hellbent on making you feel like shit, wasn't he?
"Yeah..."
"You know one of your friends might die because of that stupid decision."
Your head hung low at the mention of it. Because of you, Shirazu... Oh god, you don't even want to think about it.
You felt your bottom lip start to quiver and it took most of your willpower not to break down and start crying right there. You knew Haise might soften up if you cried, and you didn't deserve that at the moment.
"Remember this as a lesson, (L/N)." He added, trying his best to ignore your silent crying. "If things go south, remember this and make sure you don't make mistakes like that again."
'Again'... They're not going to fire you over this? They should! You practically killed someone because of it! "What do you mean, 'again'?" You muttered with a faltering voice.
"Exactly what I meant."
"You're not going to fire me over this? I basically led people to their deaths! I might have killed an innocent man, and you're just letting me go with a 'lesson learned'?" You ranted, grief quickly turning into anger.
"Yes. You're a quinx after all."
"A quinx? That's your excuse? Why do WE get special treatment when it comes to murder ? If I were in any other squad, they would have fired me, no?"
"Yes."
"Then fire me, Sasaki! Fire me!" You exclaimed. "I don't deserve this! I can't even face them again knowing it's my fault! Tooru probably has a concussion or a broken neck, I have no idea what the hell's wrong with Kuki and... And next time I see Ginshi, he might be six feet under! Fire me, damn it!"
Haise didn't even spare you a glance during your little fit. He simply looked on ahead, expressionless. "No. You're not going to give up. You're going to learn from this and refrain from repeating your mistakes in the future, end of the discussion. Now get out of the car and go to your room. I want your report on my desk tomorrow morning in full detail. Good night Investigator (L/N)."
You huffed in disbelief before doing as he told you and storming up to your room, breaking down as soon as you closed the door behind you.
Your shame lasted longer than what Haise had originally thought. Even after Urie and Tooru were sent back home, you remained in your room, only coming out to give Haise his report, eat, drink and shower while avoid any contact with them. You were becoming worse than Saiko.
Hell, even she was trying to get you out of your room, yet nothing worked. First, Sasaki tried to apologize, but you didn't answer. Saiko was the next to try without any success, followed by a terribly worried Tooru and Kuki. None of them managed to get you to interact again.
"They've been in there for a week, I don't think they'll come out any time soon to talk." You heard Tooru say. To who, you didn't know yet. They weren't close enough for you to smell. "Even you, no offense, but I don't think they'll come out. If anything, they might just feel even more ashamed... Saiko says she hears them cry themselves to sleep most of the time..."
"Bullshit. (Y/N)'s gonna come out once they know it's me." That voice made your heart stop.
Thank God he was alive.
But the relief was short lived when guilt overwhelmed you once again. He might be alright now, but it was because of you that he went through the pain he had gone through. You didn't even deserve the relief.
A soft knock at your door made you tense up. "(Y/N)?" Shirazu called out, worry evident in his voice. "It's Ginshi. You alright in there?"
You didn't answer. Instead, you buried yourself deeper into your blankets, grabbing your phone and some earbuds to block out Ginshi's voice. You didn't like the feeling it gave you.
"(Y/N), open up." His voice was only slightly muffled by the music, followed by a faint rattling noise. Thank god your door could lock.
His smell was still lingering though, and you couldn't do anything about it. It stayed around for about five minutes before fading away, which you assumed meant Ginshi had given up.
But only for the day.
Every day, Shirazu would come to your door and do the same thing, over and over. Knock three times, call out your name, tell you it was him, ask you if you're alright, ask you to open up and then wait there for five minutes before leaving. It was getting really annoying in the end. You knew what he was doing, and he was succeeding at it.
"(Y/N)?" Ginshi asked once again. He assumed it would be the same as usual, but you had different plans in mind. "Are you alright in there--"
Before he could finish his sentence, you swung the door open, grabbed him by the front of his shirt and tugged him inside, loudly slamming the door behind him. "What do you want?!" You exclaimed. "What are you trying to do? Drive me mad?"
Shirazu didn't answer. He was more focused on your disheveled, sleep deprived form. Even though you still looked amazing through it, he was still worried. "E-er, that is, if you haven't driven yourself mad already..." He hesitantly answered. His joke was not appreciated.
"Well congratu-fucking-lations, you did it." You growled. "Is that all? Because if it is, get out." You started pushing him towards the door until the man grabbed you by the shoulders to stop you.
"Hold on, I'm not done." He stated. "I'm not done until you show your face out of your room and actually interact with us like you used to."
"Then you better get a sleeping bag because that might take a long while." You grumbled, crossing your arms over your chest and glaring at the man in front of you.
"What does it take for you to stop sulking like a fucking child?"
"Well, the first step would be to get Sasaki to fire me." You said in all seriousness.
"Fire you? Why?" Ginshi asked, grimacing.
"Oh, I don't know..." You sarcastically said, eyeing the ceiling, pretending to think about it. "Maybe because I nearly fucking killed you?"
"And you think that's worth firing someone over? In the field we work in? Are you dumb all of a sudden?"
"Ginshi. I nearly fucking killed you because I decided to disobey orders. It's worth firing me over." You calmly stated. Too calmly. You were practically seething in rage right now, for multiple reasons.
"It's not your fault, though!"
"It is!"
The tension was raising within seconds. You could probably actually cut it with a knife by now.
"It isn't! I threw myself at Torso on my own fucking free will! I could have decided to let him kill you, but I didn't!"
"See, that's another thing! What the fuck?!" You nearly screeched. "You threw yourself at that bastard! Why would you do that?!"
"Because--"
"You have no fucking reason! You don't do stuff like that! I could have easily stopped him! What is wrong in your brain for you to pull off a stunt like that?!"
"I DID IT BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!"
That shut you up real good. All anger dissipated from your brain and memories of the feelings you tried to repress from that night came flowing back, leaving you stunned and confused.
Ginshi realized what he had just done and backed a few steps away, horror written all over his face while one of his hands reached up to cover his mouth as if that would help him take back the words he just exclaimed. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, I s-swear..."
"Did you mean it?" You questioned.
"Mean what?" He chuckled nervously, avoiding your intense glare. "I don't... " He muttered the next part in a way that you couldn't understand what he said, even with your advanced hearing.
"Did you mean what you just said, Ginshi?" You asked once again, determined to get a yes or no answer.
Shirazu sighed, scratching the back of his head. "Don't make me feel like shit..." He mumbled, his gaze falling on the floor. You could have punched him right there and then for trying to avoid the question, but you decided not to. That wouldn't give you your answer.
"Did you mean what you just said, Ginshi?"
"I..." He let out a much longer, defeated sigh. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I should've stopped myself when I saw the signs, but... You're too nice sometimes. It's tough... I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Even though he looked dejected, a small part of him hoped that you'd reciprocate his feelings.
Besides, best friends falling in love was a pretty common thing. If he's lucky enough, this might be the case here as well. He sometimes had a feeling that you'd reciprocate his feelings. Your flirting sounded genuine, and he noticed those little glances you'd shoot his way when you thought he wasn't looking. You smiled brightly whenever he said something and you cared for him so much... You had to like him back, no?
You're a really considerate and nice person. Surely you'll give even someone like him a chance, and he'll make sure it'll be the best decision you've ever made.
Hearing you sigh brought him back to reality, a serene expression still present on his face. "I think you should leave."
Shirazu's face fell into disbelief. There was no way in hell you just said that. "I'm... I'm sorry?"
"I think you should leave. Like, now." You repeated, only in a stricter tone. The look in your eyes was far from loving and it broke his heart within seconds. 'Don't cry, Shirazu. Don't fucking cry you fucking wimp.' He thought, trying to make a use of his vocal chords.
"Right..." He finally muttered with a shaky voice. "Again, I'm sorry. I..." The look on your face downright scared him. Oh, how he wished he were dead right now... You obviously did not want to see his face at the moment. It hurt so badly, but really, who would? He should have known he wasn't good enough. "...Bye."
With that, he turned around and stormed out of your room.
Once the door was closed shut, you let the flood gates open.
Slapping a hand on your mouth to muffle the sobs erupting from your throat, you sat down, realizing what you had just done. You fucking broke his heart. You turned him down without giving him a chance in the cruelest way possible.
Didn't you tell yourself you loved him, that night? Do you love him back? Do you just think of him as your best friend? And who was to say those thoughts weren't something induced by the adrenaline that was going through your veins? All this confusion simply gave you one more reason to cry. This has to be the worst mistake you had ever made in your entire existence.
What the fuck did you just do?
And more specifically, what the fuck do you do now?