What are you doing here? Why did you even tell her about...shit. Why did I even come here in the first place? I could have just apologized to her in college.
'Sugar?' I heard Ayat's voice coming from the kitchen as I idiotically waited for her in the living room.
'One spoon...where is your father?' I asked her. I didn't see anyone else around.
'He is outside' She walked in with a cup of tea and handed me my cup.
'I should go...looks like you're alone...I don't want to cause any issue' I looked at her as she sat across from me.
'That's okay...I called him and told him you are here.' She said right away.
'You guys seem close' I noticed a very strong between her and her father.
'He is all we have' She looked down at her empty hands. What were we doing here? What was I doing? There was a strange comfort that I was starting to feel around her, and it was becoming a concern for me.
'Are you okay?' She asked just then and caught me staring at her. I couldn't help it, she was such so hard for me to figure out.
'Why did you invite me in? You hardly know me' I needed to know.
'I...I already told you this Mr.Hamza...I don't think you are a bad person, I am just trying to help' She sounded sincere but why? Why did she care?
'That's why I don't understand...you petty me?' Did she see me as a sad broken person who was acting vile just so people don't see how much in a pain I was in?
'Why are you like this? I thought you came here because you wanted to talk but now I feel like you are interrogating me in my own home. I invited you in because I can see that you are hurt...I may not understand how you are feeling but I can imagine the pain you must be feeling. It's okay to accept pain...sometimes that's all we can do' She told me as if it was easy.
'You ever loved anyone so much that you thought you'll die without them if they ever walk away from you' I asked her, giving advice without understanding one's pain was a lot easier.
'Yes...I actually do' I was surprised to hear her answer and didn't know what to say.
'At least the person who walked away from you is still alive...mine isn't. My mother passed away right in front of my eyes...I saw her taking her last set of breaths in front me days after I...I thought things were getting better. It doesn't get easier, it becomes a habit and that's when it starts to hurt less' She sadly smiled at me.
'I better head out...thanks for the tea' I got up and made my way through the door. I felt better once I stepped out. I saw it coming, I knew one day I'll wake up and get the news, I had mentally prepared myself for it but still, when I got the news, I couldn't help it. I felt as if my insides were burning.
'So will you be coming to the party?' Jalil asked me the dumbest question in the existence. We were video calling, he was packing for a business trip that was going to the next day.
'What do you think asshole?' I said to him while heating up dinner.
'It's not too far from where you are I think you should come...for the fun of it' Sometimes I really wanted to kill him. I could almost feel my hands twitching ready to end the call.
'How about I tell Maryam to cheat on you...marry someone else and we go to her party...for the fun of it' I suggested.
'You don't have to drag me in this conversation' I heard Maryam commenting in the background.
'Sorry...shit...I feel like my mind is going to explode...and this girl...she tells me it's going to become a habit and then it will hurt less...' I took the food out of the microwave and finally sat down to eat.
'Which girl?' Maryam grabbed the phone from the stand and looked at me.
'No one special' I glanced at her before digging into my food.
'Doesn't sound like no one special...and besides are you sure you are feeling bad? I thought people lose their appetite after a breakup and here you are eating like a horse' She eyed me.
'His heartbreak is going on for months, I don't think starving to death will fix the issue' Jalil said on my behalf.
'She wants you to come to the party, she wouldn't have asked me to invite you if she didn't' Maryam and Jalil were still friends with her. We all used to be great friends but after we broke up, Jalil and Maryam tried to not talk about her in front of me. Until now.
'I'll talk to you guys later' I ended the call. I felt sick, I knew I was pushing people away who cared about me, but I didn't know what else to do. The girl who I was considered mine was married after cheating on me and I was the one who was feeling bad. How pathetic was I for actually thinking that one day I'll be able to move on just like her. I wasn't moving forward, in fact, I felt like I was moving back.
'Can I help you?' I saw Ayat waiting for me in front of my office before the session.
'I wanted to hand in my assignments' She handed over her assignments to me.
'I don't accept physical copies, you will have to submit it electronically' I gave her the file back and walked inside my office.
'The internet is down in my home ' She told me.
'Then use the computer in the library' I told her.
'I forgot my USB at home...today is the last day...can I just...' She entered the room without my permission. I felt like I was babysitting her half of the time she was here.
'Not my problem, submit it electronically or leave it...and please knock on the door when you enter my office the next time' I advised her, knowing that she never does as she's told.
'Thank you for being so understanding...I really appreciate your help' She stormed out of the room and almost bumped into Karim on the way.
'What happened to her?' Karim looked at me suspiciously as he entered the room.
I shrugged and made my way to the class. Today was the presentation day so I didn't have to do much. The students were picking up tips and strategies well, but I did see the need to provide them with more hands-on experience. I wanted to bring in guest speakers and take them out to different conventions and workshops to help them grow their network.
'Next' I called for Ayat and she started her presentation on content strategy for non-profit websites. Her presentation was clear, purposeful and relevant.
'Overall, the presentations were pretty solid...make sure you submit a copy of the outline by end of tomorrow...feedback will be provided to you by end of this week. Email me if you have any questions' I ended the session and I walked back to my office. Glad that one student, in particular, didn't follow me to my office this time.
'You are not leaving?' Karim asked me on his way out. It was almost 6 pm and almost everyone was out. There were a few evening class running so I knew that the college was going to stay open for a couple more hours.
'Not yet...I am going finish marking last week's submissions' I told him, and he left the office.
'It's okay Papa...I'll call a taxi or something...no don't worry, I'll see you in a bit' I saw Ayat coming out of the library on my way out. Did she stay here all this time? She saw me but didn't say anything.
We both walked towards the main entrance only to find that it was raining cats and dogs.
'Great' She muttered under her breath.
'Can I...?' I was about to offer her a ride home, but she cut me off.
'No...please don't say anything' She kept looking ahead.
'You are unbelievable' I ran to my car and turned on the heat. I looked out through the car window and saw her shivering. I heard her telling her father that she will get the cab, but I honestly didn't think she was going to find a taxi under this crazy weather anytime soon.
I drove the car closer to the entrance and lowered the window.
'What?' She finally said.
'Get in' I kept looking ahead. No, I didn't care, but I couldn't just leave her in this weather.
'I'll get a taxi' She yelled as the rain pour down harder.
'You aren't going to find any taxi nearby...get in...I don't have all day' I finally turned to look at her and saw her staring at me. She was deciding, thinking of other alternatives...she got in the car once she ran out of options.
'What were you doing here so late anyway?' I asked her after a while when she finally looked settled in. Somewhat comfortable.
'I stayed out late because of you...I told you my internet is down, I didn't have time to go home and come back so I decided to type up all my assignments here' She told me. I wish she didn't.
'You really don't like taking responsibility for anything, do you? Who told you to submit your assignments on the last day?' I fired back.
'Sorry...I just thought my professor was going to be a little more compassionate towards his students, guess not' She wasted no time in replying. Just then the phone starting ringing and I looked at the screen and I hit on the brake. Tooba was calling me. There was a ring emoji next to her name still. Months later, after announcing her wedding, why was she calling me now?
'What's wrong with you? You could have killed us' Ayat yelled. The phone kept ringing. I thought about this moment for so long, pictured it in my head so many times and now, I had no idea what to do.
'Take the call' Ayat's voice startled me suddenly.
'If it's her...answer the call'. She looked so sure of herself when she gave me this advice.
'You don't know a thing...' I started but Ayat was a lot quicker than I was, she pressed the answer button and glared at me.
'Hello...Hamza...'I heard the voice and my mouth went dry out of nervousness. I was so anxious. The old me would have laughed at myself.
'No...sorry Hamza is not here at the minute...can I take a message?' Ayat replied instead, and I wanted to end the call just then. I raised my hand to grab the phone, but Ayat stopped me.
'Sorry...who is this?' Tooba took her time with the reply after hearing Ayat's voice.
'I am his friend...Ayat. We work together...he told me about you...congrats on your wedding. He is really happy for you' Ayat maintained her eye contact with me as she spoke to her.
'He is? Right...okay well I just wanted to call invite him to my party...I am sure he got the invitation...you should come too' She said and now Ayat panicked. This was a terrible idea. I shouldn't have just left this girl in the college.
'He is pretty busy these days and so am I...I will tell him you called.' Ayat quickly hung up on her and her face went from looking confident into a fright mode.
'Who told you to...' I hit the steering wheel feeling frustrated all over again.
'You did...you can't go on pretending as if everything is okay...who are you suffering for? For this girl who has clearly moved on with her life? You are suffering for that?' She asked me.
'You don't know anything about me so stay out of it, I'll figure it out' I started the engine again and began driving.
'I don't know a lot about relationships, but I do know that once trust gets broken and love becomes one-sided, it does become toxic.' Her voice was hardly hearable.
'So?' I said.
'Move on and stop torturing yourself' She told me. I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't.
'Thank you' She said when she climbed out of the seat.
'Bye Ayat' I watched her going inside her house and waited there for a couple of minutes thinking about what she said. Thousand more questions came to my mind, but one answer remained the same. Ayat was right...when love becomes one-sided, it does become toxic. I didn't want to admit it, but she was right.
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Heyyy fam!
Sorry I missed last week's update. I had a really busy week :(
Anyway, hope you liked this semi-sad chapter. If you did, you know the drill...please vote and leave a comment. <3 I'll appreciate it so so much!
Q: Thoughts on one-sided love? Do you think it becomes toxic after a while?
Also, I am doing a Q/A so leave your questions in the comments. Love ya!
See you all next week
*Be kind to yourself*