Harry's POV
I hadn't slept in two days.
I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how the hell any of this was happening to me. I thought I'd been doing all the right things, staying out of trouble and moving forward in my life, and now it seemed like none of the work I'd been putting in had gotten me anywhere.
The past 48 hours had been absolute hell, my mind a twisted mess that failed to comprehend what it could all mean, and as usual the only thing that even began to help me settle it was TJ. I laid there beside to her, trying to memorize every single detail of the way she felt next to me as she slept. She'd refused to leave me after we'd finished talking, pledging her unwavering belief in my innocence before practically cried herself to sleep, telling me over and over again that she knew I hadn't done what they said I did, that she would do whatever it took to make it right, and that she would have my back no matter what happened. I can't say that I was surprised by her loyalty, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wondered how she would feel about me being accused of something so horrific.
I'd never met anyone like her, someone so willing to do whatever she had to in order to protect the people she cared about, refusing to ever take anything for herself. She would barely accept a compliment let alone help from anyone, but there she was pledging her indestructible loyalty to me like I'd somehow done something to earn that honor. I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd turned her back on me, shit at that point I wanted to turn my back on myself, but she showed up for me just like she always did.
My mind was spinning, completely lost with a million thoughts running through it, but TJ seemed to be the only thing I could focus on. I watched her softly breathe in and out, her breath fanning across my chest as I held her, her cheeks still a little blotchy from crying so much. She truly was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, her long auburn hair draped over her shoulder as I softly ran my fingers through it. I couldn't decide if her inability to see how amazing she was drove me crazy or if it was yet another one of those endearing qualities she had, but it didn't really matter because like everything else about her I just couldn't seem to get enough of it.
I was doing my best to push it all from my mind, to just look at her and try to focus on something good, but it all just kept creeping in on me. Aside from the obvious fact that getting shipped back to England would destroy any chances of me ever playing professional hockey and ensure that I never got an education or made anything of myself, I'd be thousands of miles away from Teej and a life that I hadn't realized I wanted until it was threatened to be taken away.
When I'd tried out for that roster spot, I'd dreamed of playing college hockey. I saw it as my shot, my one chance at a future after I'd fucked everything up. It was my last option, and I swore to myself I'd make it count. I wanted to redeem myself to show my parents that everything they'd been through, the hell I'd inflicted upon them, that I was sorry. I just wanted them to be proud of me, to let them know that their sacrifices weren't for nothing, that I would take care of them after they'd done their best to take care of me.
And now I figured it was only a couple of days before I'd have to call them and tell them that I had not only fucked it all up, but that I could very well go to jail for something so horrendous that I couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud.
It was by far the most fucked up, hurtful thing that had ever been said about me, and I'd done a lot of fucked up things in my life. I'd made a lot of mistakes, hurt a lot of people, but what Brielle was saying I did was something that I couldn't even bring myself to understand. I couldn't even let myself think about it, the thought alone making me want to throw up.
I had no idea where it came from, why she would say that, why she would even think that, and it made no sense. I had wanted to just call her and talk to her, thinking the police must have misunderstood what she had said or twisted her words, but I was forbidden to contact her and left to just sit around wondering what the fuck was going on. The police had treated me like some kind of animal, as I suppose they should have if they believed I'd actually done that, but I just couldn't understand what I'd done to find myself in this position.
As I'd sat there in that cell waiting for my uncle to bail me out, TJ was the only thing I could think about. I wanted to see her, to talk to her, to explain myself and pray that she'd believe me. I thought about what would happen if she didn't believe me, how much that would destroy me, if maybe she'd be scared of me now or never speak to me again. I felt like I might lose her, and the thought of that alone was terrifying enough.
My uncle had promised not to tell my parents until they had to, and it was the only thing that had offered me any peace of mind. I thought about Lulu, and how I could possibly explain to her why I'd have to come home, why I couldn't play hockey anymore. The idea of having to look anyone I cared about in the eye again made me want to crawl into a hole and die.
I kept running over every interaction I'd ever had with Brielle, which was easy enough to do since there'd only been a few of them. When the police had first told me, I kept thinking back to the night we slept together, if there had been some sign I missed, if I'd been aggressive or too drunk, but I didn't think I had. She was fine every time I saw her after that, always happy to see me and friendly with me, so I didn't understand.
I kept thinking it was a misunderstanding, that somehow her words got twisted or something, and it honestly never really entered my mind to be angry with her.
That is, until the police told me that the night in question wasn't the night that we slept together.
They told me that Brielle had told them this happened the night that I ran into her at the bar, that we had left together and when I walked her to her car I attacked her. They said they had already gathered evidence and that multiple people saw us leave the bar together, and that I never came back. My heart had sunk when I thought about that night, and the reason I'd never come back.
It almost seemed ironic that while I was supposedly attacking Brielle, I was in reality walking in on those other guys attacking Teej.
I'd thought about a million scenarios, that maybe those guys had left Teej and attacked Brielle, that maybe she hadn't seen them and thought it was me because I had just been there. I thought maybe someone grabbed her or something and she just said I was the last person to see her, that maybe things got mixed up somehow, but that went out the window when they told me she had given them specific details about what I had done and how I'd done it.
No matter how I seemed to try to justify it to myself, to make sense of it as a misunderstanding, I seemed to be fighting the reality that Brielle had just flat out lied about it. I didn't want to believe she would do that, that she would purposely destroy my life like that for no reason.
Because why the fuck would anyone do that?
I couldn't understand what benefit it would have been for her to do that to me. I thought maybe she'd been upset that I told her I didn't want a relationship, or felt like I'd rejected her somehow, but I'd been pretty up front going into it and she seemed alright with that. I thought we were friends, and she seemed cool, so no matter what way I put it the entire thing just made zero fucking sense.
I didn't want to be angry, I didn't want to believe that it was actually even happening, but I couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of betrayal I felt. I'd been nothing but nice to her, respectful and considerate of her, and she had me sitting there feeling like I'd done something wrong when I knew I didn't. The very idea of her feeling scared of me or threatened like I would hurt her made me feel sick, and I just didn't know how I was supposed to feel.
Thankfully, I was torn from my thoughts as Teej reached up and placed her hand on the side of my face, seemingly having woken up without me realizing it.
"Hey." She said, softly rubbing my cheek with her thumb.
"Hey." I sighed.
"You didn't sleep, did you?"
"I dunno, maybe a bit." I said, running my hand over her head. "Just...thinking too much I guess."
She rested her chin on my chest and looked up at me, and I could see the pain the entire thing was causing her. In a way it was comforting to know she cared that much, that she was so upset knowing that I was upset, but I always hated knowing that she was anything but happy.
I guess I'd been relieved to see that she didn't believe I would do something like that, that she was still willing to stay with me after she found out why I'd been arrested, so I figured I could be thankful for that if nothing else.
"Everything is gonna be okay, Harry. I promise." She said softly.
I just nodded, unsure of what to say as the two of us laid there in silence, both of our minds working overtime for probably very different reasons. Teej absentmindedly traced the outline of my tattoos with her fingertips, running them up and down my stomach, before she decided to speak.
"Why was it a mistake?" She asked, catching me off guard as she looked up at me.
"Huh?"
"That night, at my parent's house when you got drunk and came into my room...you said sleeping with Brielle was a mistake."
I closed my eyes as I recalled that night, remembering all the things I'd tried to tell her and the reason why I regretted sleeping with Brielle. It wasn't like things could get fucked up any more than they already were, so I figured I should just be honest.
"I just..." I started, choosing my words carefully. "I guess I just didn't want you to think I was that guy who brought random girls home every weekend."
I watched her carefully as she furrowed her brows in confusion, as usual oblivious as to what I was trying to say.
"Wait...what?" She asked slowly. "That's why you never brought girls home? Because you were worried about what I would think? The boys bring girls home every day, I've never said anything about it."
I sighed, knowing she wouldn't have understood it and I should have just come out and said it in the first place. I looked down at her, tucking her hair behind her ear, and slightly cursed her for being so oblivious to my feelings for her.
"Teej, I knew that if I started to bring random girls home, if I let you think I was that kind of guy...I just thought that if there was even the smallest chance that maybe you might like me or wanna be with me some day...that I'd lose that chance. And I never wanted to risk that."
I watched as her eyes got wide, realization finally setting in just how long I'd liked her, obviously lost as to how to respond.
"Oh." She said breathlessly.
"Yeah." I sighed, a small smile tugging at my lips at seeing how surprised she looked. "I just...I didn't wanna fuck up my chances, if I ever even had one."
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, nervously chewing it as she avoided my gaze, and I felt a little guilty for making her uncomfortable. In some ways I was glad she knew how I felt, but in others I think we both knew that there was way too much going on for us to start talking about something that had the potential to complicate things even more. I didn't wanna lose her friendship or make her feel pressured to have feelings for me if she didn't, so I just said my piece and left it at that.
"Anyways..." I said slowly. "You never told me how the game went yesterday."
"It was...weird." She sighed as she sat up, fiddling with the hem of my t-shirt she was wearing as I rested my hand on her knee. "I hate playing without you and Louis...everything just feels so fucked up."
"How was Tanner?" I asked, knowing the answer and wanting to bash his face in at the very thought of what a dick he probably was to her.
"He was fine, moved me down to third. The boys were pissed that he took my locker room away, but it is what it is." She shrugged.
I felt anger rise in me immediately, my frustration at the entire situation starting to come to the surface.
"What the fuck do you mean he took your locker room away?" I asked, snappier than I would have liked. "Where the fuck does he expect you to shower?"
"In the main one, I guess." She said simply. "It's really not that big of a deal, at least I'm still playing. You're the last person I should be complaining to."
"Yeah, playing on the third line when you're the best player on that team. That is such bullshit." I scoffed, leaning back and closing my eyes. "I should fucking be there. I'm Captain, it's my job to stop shit like this."
"Harry, it's fine. I'm fine, I just wish you could play. This whole thing is so fucked up, you should be playing." She said, her own frustration obvious. "We've gotta figure this out, we have to get you back on the ice."
She looked down at me, her big green eyes full of hope and determination, but I just don't think she fully understood the gravity of the situation.
"I'll probably never play again." I sighed. "I should just quit while I'm ahead, spare the team all the drama. Since apparently I'm a fucking monster."
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth at the very thought of willingly giving up my dream of playing pro hockey. On one hand I wanted to say that it would be a cold day in hell before they forced me off the team for something I didn't do, and I would appeal it until the end of time if I had to, but on the other I knew I couldn't put the team through all of that bullshit and risk everyone else's chances over my own drama. If the team was distracted by all of these changes and media coverage and had a shitty season, it could cost half of them their shot, and that wasn't something I was willing to take from them.
"You're not a monster, Harry. Stop saying shit like that." She said firmly, obviously annoyed. "And you're not going anywhere, you don't get to quit on me. She's not gonna get away with this, I won't let her."
"It's not about that, Teej!" I snapped, getting out of bed and starting to pace as everything started to overwhelm me. "You really don't see it, do you? Nobody cares if I did it or not, the second this hits the papers I'm fucking done. If they don't charge me with it, everyone will say it's because I'm a privileged college athlete who pulled some strings because I'm the Dean's nephew, and if they do my fucking life is over. I'll never play again, I'll probably go to jail or they'll ship me back to England where I'll fucking rot the rest of my life."
"Harry, I won't let her do this, I'll-"
"It doesn't matter, it's already done!" He scoffed. "I'd rather go to jail, I'd rather sit in a cell for the rest of my life than have everyone thinking I'm...that I'm some kind of...that I would fucking do that. She said I beat her, Teej...she said I beat her up and then I...I can't even fucking say it." I said through gritted teeth, my body feeling so many things that I just didn't even know what to do.
"But you didn't! They can't prove you did something that you didn't!" She snapped as she got up and came to stand in front of me.
"They don't have to, TJ. In the court of public opinion, I've already done it. The second someone accuses you of that you're guilty, and you know it." I sighed.
"Harry everyone who knows you knows you're not that guy, you'd never hurt a woman. We all know that. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure everyone else knows that, I don't care what it is." She said, gripping my face in her hands and forcing me to look at her.
"You don't understand...you just...you don't get it." I sighed, fisting my hair in my hand. "This just, it can't be undone. Once it's out there, I'm finished."
"Yes I do get it." She said, looking up at me as her eyes scanned my face for any sign that I was hearing her. "You think I don't understand what it's like to be judged by everyone? You don't think I know what it's like for everyone to think you're something that you're not? I know what you're going through is ten times worse than what I do, but I do somewhat understand Harry. You've always been there for me, you've always had my back and spoke up for me, and I'm gonna do the same for you. So why don't you just explain to me what the fuck happened so I can help you."
I knew she was trying to help, and I adored her for it. She wanted so desperately to help me feel better, to make me feel like everything would be okay, but I just couldn't see how it would. I knew she did somewhat understand, more than any one else would anyway, but I just didn't know how to get myself out of this. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to fight, or prove my innocence, I just couldn't see how I could. It was my word against hers, and in those situations everyone knew that the guy always loses.
"Nothing happened." I sighed in defeat as I sat down on my bed, holding my head in my hands. "I don't know where this even came from. I don't...I don't know why she would say any of this."
"I know nothing happened." She said softly, sitting down next to me and putting her hand on my back. "But I need you to tell me exactly what she's saying. Tell me what the police told you, we need to know what she told them so we can disprove it."
"I didn't ask for many details, Teej. I was so fucking shocked I just...froze." I said, reliving that feeling of the moment when they'd actually told me why I'd been arrested. "They said that she had reported that I attacked her that night at the pub, when I walked her to her car. That she gave them a detailed account of what I'd done to her and that she was able to identify distinct tattoos and details of my body."
"Okay, well for one that's because you guys slept together. And two, do they know how many people have seen you in a pair of boxers? Anyone could have told her what your tattoos are even if you hadn't slept together." She said simply. "So none of that proves anything."
"They also said that multiple people reported seeing us leaving together, and witnesses said I never came back. Then they had the photos taken the next day when Tanner had that photographer in the locker room that clearly showed I had cuts on my hands and knuckles like I'd been in a fight." I explained.
I looked over at her, watching her brows furrow together like she was confused about something, until realization crossed her face and I knew what was coming.
"Wait...she's saying this happened that night at the pub? The one when..."
"Yes." I sighed.
"So this supposedly happened when you were with me? When you brought me home?"
"Yeah."
"Did...did you tell them that?" She asked, swallowing hard.
"No." I said simply.
"Why not?" She choked out, the words catching in her throat. "Harry, why wouldn't you tell them?"
"Because I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone."
It wasn't hard to predict the look of guilt that crossed her face as she stared back at me, swallowing hard as she tried to piece it all together. I knew how terrified she was of people finding out, how much she'd begged and pleaded with me to keep it a secret, and I wasn't gonna betray her trust like that. As much as I'd pushed her to go to the hospital and tell the police, that had been because I wanted her to be okay, not because I wanted her to have to live through the backlash it would have caused. I watched as tears pooled in her eyes, and I knew I shouldn't have told her.
"We have to tell them, that's how we fix this." She said, staring at me as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "We have to, I-I have to go."
She immediately stood up to leave and I grabbed her wrist, keeping her from going anywhere as she looked back at me, the shock on her face obvious.
"Harry, what are you doing? I have to go tell them!" She said, almost sounding panicked as I stood up in front of her.
"I'm not gonna let you do that." I said as calmly as I could.
"Are you out of your mind?!" She snapped. "Harry, this is it, this is the thing that can save you, and I'm telling them whether you want me to or not! I'm not gonna let you throw away your entire future because I asked you to keep something a secret."
I reached up and took her face in my hands, gently wiping away the tears that were falling down her cheeks with my thumbs, and did my best to calmly explain it to her.
"Teej, I walked her out to her car before you even went outside." I said softly. "There was a solid 20-30 minutes from the time when I left with her to the time I found you...they'll just argue that I did it and then came inside and went to find you."
"But you didn't...and I won't let you go down for this. Not when...not because you are trying to protect me. All you do is protect me, and I need you to let me protect you." She sniffled.
"It won't make a difference, babe."
"Yes it could, Harry. It would explain why your hands were cut up, why you never came back to the pub, and I can tell them what you did for me. I'll tell them that you're the fucking opposite of who she's saying you are, that you stopped it from happening to me. I won't let you keep this secret."
I sighed and exhaled heavily as I looked down at her, obviously appreciating what she was willing to sacrifice for me, but not willing to let her do it.
"I didn't do it, so they can't prove that I did." I said simply. "There will be another way."
"But why would we wait for another way? We know we can fix this right now, I don't understand why you're being like this." She said, her frustration obvious.
"Teej, I know you don't want people to know."
"Of course I don't, but I'm not that fucking selfish! You really think I would let you go down for this just to stop people from knowing? What they would say about me is a hell of a lot nicer than what they'll say about you, and I'm not gonna let you throw yourself under the bus for this." She snapped.
"I'm not throwing myself under the bus. I told them I was with you, the boys know I told them you had food poisoning. We can stick with that. I told them my cuts were from that fight I got into the game a few days before. We'll prove I didn't do it another way, they don't need the details, it's none of their business." I said as I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Promise me you're not gonna say anything."
"I can't promise you that, Harry." She said, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. "Telling people terrifies me, okay? But...losing you terrifies me more. I can't...I won't lose you over this."
"You won't lose me, I'm not going anywhere." I said, leaning forward and kissing her forehead, tears stinging the back of my eyes at the thought of being away from her. "You'll always have me, alright? I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you."
She began to cry as she buried her face into my chest, and I held her as tightly as I could. I knew she was scared, that I was the only person she really trusted, and I'd always taken that very seriously. It was the reason I'd kept her secret, and sworn I would find another way to prove my innocence. To me, being free because I betrayed her trust wasn't being free at all, and if I gave up my own principles to save my own ass I didn't know if I could live with myself.
"I'm gonna fix it, you have to let me fix it." She pleaded, pulling away to look up at me.
"We will, we'll fix it together. But we're not telling them your business. We'll find another way." I said firmly. "Promise me."
"What if there is no other way?" She asked, the fear obvious in her voice.
"Well...if we try everything else and there's no other option, we'll talk about it."
She sighed in defeat as she leaned against me, knowing it wasn't something I was gonna budge on, and I think part of her was relieved that the details of that night weren't going to come to the surface. I also knew she probably felt guilty for being relieved by it, and was beating herself up about feeling selfish, but she was the least selfish person I knew.
"I thought I was the stubborn one." She laughed lightly through a sniffle, her cheek pressed against my chest as she looked up at me.
"I'm comin' for your title." I smiled, looking down at her. "Besides, you're Gretzky. You can do anything, you don't need to use it."
"Yeah...I'm about to Gretzky the fuck out of this bitch." She said as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
I chuckled lightly as I pulled her back into me, kissing her head as I squeezed her. I felt somewhat relieved after we'd talked about it, knowing that once Teej set her mind to something there was no stopping her, and if there was one thing I'd learned since I'd met her...it was that we made one hell of a team.