Some people end to take a turn of depression whenever an unwanted date looms around, edging closer to make an appearance. I was usually one of those people.
So, imagine my surprise when I realized that day had arrived and I haven’t been aware of it at all. Guilt raced through me the minute I realized and I felt selfish for worrying of my petty issues rather than the bigger ones I was supposed to face.
That’s what heartbreaks tend to do to you. It makes you feel like nothing else is important except for how your heart feels like a tin can being squashed. I realized that negative thoughts tend to consume and center you in the middle of the tornado. It was hard to think of anything else because all you could think of is how your heartstrings feel like they’re being tugged and yanked mercilessly.
Love is a very rewarding yet cruel fate.
I hated Derrick for making me so dependent on him. I hated him for making me feel like he is my oxygen. I hated how weak he made me.
Most of all, I hated myself for letting it happen repeatedly. How long was I going to keep leaning on someone?
It was getting tiring and the crying and numbness was absolutely exhausting. To anyone who said that numbness was the best feeling to achieve, they need a reality check. I hated that cold feeling of nothingness that froze over my heart. It made me feel like I was losing a part of myself.
And that thought made me even more heartbroken. I was a mess, unraveling in a spiral of impending destruction that I had involuntarily instructed myself to do.
Is this why people commit suicide? Not to solve the problem, not because death is the solution, but because you can control. For once, something can be controlled.
As I sat there on the edge of my bed, donned in branded clothing and accessories, I felt like the most worthless piece of shit.
Utter crap.
I was so absorbed at my own pain that I forgot. I forgot, that someone had to take control in order to let his pain go and it breaks my heart that I couldn’t do anything to stop him.
Nothing. Nada. Nil.
I glanced at the watch and bit my lip. It was already close to noon and I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was so unmotivated with life.
Life.
Four meager letters. One letter. That was all it took to rack a shiver all over me. I feared life, despised it even, but for some reason the thought of the inevitable death scares me even more.
Perhaps it was the fact that as much as all of us have tainted the blank pure canvas of life with flaws, we have also filled it with the colors of memories. And sometimes flaws can be fixed; they can be made into something special. All we had to do was appreciate it.
But it comes to a certain point where flaws dominates and stains the canvas, leaving it completely utterly irreparable. It drives you crazy and that particular canvas used to be your personal favorite turns into your personal nightmare. Once it reaches the point where that canvas of yours becomes the one thing you despise, all you can do is tear it apart, ripping it into shreds, turning into your biggest monster.
Many would say that that is the end. But it is really?
Because as life is sturdy just as it is fragile.
It took Jake three tries to rip that canvas until it was completely done. It took three whole tries before he was completely gone, leaving his shell and a catastrophe of emotions behind.
Three damn scars that ill forever mar his body, now a decaying container of what was once a vibrant soul. He was a light that shone even in the gloomiest of days. I could blame the scars and I could blame the problems he was going through.
But honestly, it was my fault. If I had just been more aware, more alert. If I had just been there, like how he had for me, maybe all this would never happen.
Maybe I was just blaming all on myself because sometimes to be in guilt is easier than to face the truth. I was somewhat aware of the denial I was in but I myself don’t want to face it.
We were as opposite as it gets. Starting from our blatantly obvious difference in hair color –him a brunette and I with my hay colored strands- and ending with our contrasting passions and interests. He had been an aspiring photographer. His hands had captured and manipulated a masterpiece with every shot and with every picture.
He had once told me that the reason why he felt so strong about his photography was that it gave him hope and that hope was the strongest any person could have.
“Don’t lose hope, Raynbow, for when all hope is lost, you lose your strength and diminishes your soul. It slowly fades and that light within will wither. And that, is the most regretful death one can experience,” Those were the words he constantly hammered down on me during my darker days. Back then, it seemed like something he plucked off the internet. Now, though, I understood what he meant.
The only thing is that he never told me that sometimes hope comes from someone else. That sometimes your hope is another person because they are your strength.
I thought of Jake and Derrick and how I got caught up with these two boys. I thought of how they dominated my life with just a few mere words. No, scratch that. They dominated it just with their mere presence.
I thought of how I lost Jake to a pair of scissors and then I thought of how I lost Derrick to a kiss.
Just by itself, these things are harmless and completely meaningless.
People and their actions give them the meanings and impacts they have to your life. One stupid scissors shouldn’t give you chills whenever you see them. Seeing another couple kiss shouldn’t make you wince as if the pain is physical. So as I was slumped against the wall, with all these thoughts, I wondered if you ever had to experience this too.
Jake was your best friend, your confidante. I was very aware of how much you detest the fact that the friendship you both had was under wraps. Then again, if there was one flaw that was glaringly obvious about Jake, it would be his fear to be himself.
He would never dare to express his love for photography to anyone because others will judge him for it. Because that wasn’t what the “Golden Boy” should be doing.
I would be a hypocrite, though, if I said I wasn’t the same.
We all would be hypocrites if we said we aren’t all the same. At a certain point, what people think about us does matter because it is within us human nature to do so. We will have a constant fear no matter how minute on not being accepted. Of not being a part of something we belong.
And that is the biggest regret many have before they die. The fear of not belonging is the one thing that all humans share.
We are all cowards. It’s just a matter of facing the truth.
But I digress. My thoughts wandered back to you and Jake with a bitter laugh bubbling within me. Thinking about the both of you no longer gives me the warm fuzzy feeling you get during autumn when the wind is blowing. No, all I feel is the cold iciness of winter seeping through my bones and freezing up to my heart.
Jake.
That name, oh god, what would I do to just see you in person. Just one more time so I could have that heartfelt moment that they show in movies.
That’s the thing about reality. It is nothing like those books and movies. No, the bad boy in your school most probably won’t end up with the girl that hates him. No, that broken girl probably wouldn’t be saved. No, that player in high school is probably as shallow as it gets and no, he probably won’t change.
And no, you don’t always get to say what you want to say to a person before they die.
My last words to him were ‘I hate you’, even though I didn’t mean it, not at all. I didn’t get to hug him and tell him that I loved him, so much. That I would do anything to save him if I could. For a short period of time, I did blame you Jake, I did. I blamed you for going to Paris in the middle of the night, leaving me high and dry. I blamed you for not answering any of my calls and for not putting effort at all to reach out to me. I blamed you for leaving me all alone. I blamed you for not keeping your promise to always keep me safe.
But it all came to a stop with one meager sentence.
“Jake committed suicide.”
Three goddamn words.
Just like I love you.
Up until now, I never knew why did you leave I never knew what were you going through, I never knew what made you snap.
I just never knew.
And it kills me bit by bit every single day to be aware of the fact that I did not know.
So no, ignorance is not bliss because my ignorance to you is now back to bite me in the ass.
You were in Paris for a month apparently and I didn’t even know that until you took away your own life. I didn’t know that you were at my favorite place in the world but I can’t fathom to go there anymore because the land will forever be tainted with your blood.
There were many things that I hated and I despised but the one thing that struck out to me the most was the fact that I couldn’t mourn for your death. Not just because I felt like I didn’t deserve it, because you weren’t dead.
Not to the rest of the world that is.
Till today, it still surprises me how father could keep your death under wraps. No one knew, Jake, no one knows that you are one. Forever.
They all think you went to Paris for an internship.
And because of that, I can’t even have the salvation of going to your cemetery whenever I’m missing you because it’s all the way in Europe.
I can’t share this pain that flows in my veins to anyone. I am forced to keep it all in because both of them won’t let me talk about it. And I never did talk about it.
Until that fateful day that I decided to grab coffee at two a.m. in the morning.
I guess in a way, I should be thankful to Derrick. He gave me a chance to talk about it when he made those fleeting comments. I was just much too afraid to come out from my shell and lay down my cards. It was the fear of letting go. You were something I had held close to me and to share my memories of you to someone was an extremely difficult thing to do.
I was afraid that if I did talk about you, I had to move on.
So, in conclusion, I was just too afraid to move on. Moving on meant that I had to live with the fact that you are no longer here and that I had to carry on without you. Moving on meant that you would be a distant memory and the thought of you would no longer be a wracking pain through my body but just a mere dull throb in my heart.
And the thought of that scares me more than the anxiety attacks I go through.
I was suddenly aware of my surroundings after that thought for some reason. My eyes raked around me wildly, taking in my pastel themed room. My hands were clenched into fists and my makeup was a mess. I had eyeliner all over me due to the relentless amount of times I rubbed my eyes. The watch was ticking so loud for some reason and I glanced at it.
Four thirty in the evening.
It was just a few minutes away from the time father got the phone call.
You had sent all of us a message, few minutes before you robbed your life away from yourself.
I sighed, trying my best to push away the depressing thoughts but it was extremely hard. I needed an escape, a getaway.
I needed some form of salvation.
Taking in a deep breath, I walked towards my dressing table and took some facial cotton to clear out the mess on my face. For some reason, I walked all the way to the back of my wardrobe and put on the dress you saw me in last.
It was your favorite. How ironic.
I place don some overcoat and made my way out from the house. Being inside it made me feel so congested. It felt like it was forbidden to even think about you in there.
As my subconscious mind directed my feet, my mind wandered to a million other things. The feel of the crispy cold of winter calmed me down slightly and made me feel just a tad better. I had my hands jammed in to my pocket and my eyes were halfway closed as I relished in this momentary bliss.
It was one of those moments where everything just felt okay.
It was what I love and hate about feelings. They can jump from one another in just a few mere seconds.
As I pulled myself fully back to reality, my eyes widened slightly at the sight before me.
The playground. The original playground with all the old see saws and swing sets, not the new and modified one.
The playground where most of my childhood was based on.
And as if that was not enough to surprise me, I saw a previously hunching figure donned in wooly sweaters and coats perk up at the sound of my boots crunching the snow.
He didn’t look surprised, he just look relieved and fidgety at the same time. His eyes were burdened with guilt and the need to explain and I guess I could see where he was coming from. My eyes were locked with his for what felt like an eternity before I pulled away from the tantalizing force of his gaze.
I walked up towards the see saw and I saw him do the same. Plopping myself on one end, he mirrored my actions and we started playing. Silence hung around us as we both idly played like we were small kids without a care.
How I wish for that to be true.
“You’re mad at me.” The silence broke into mini shards as he spoke and the impact of it almost made me flinch. I shook my head and finally lifted my eyes to meet his once again.
“No, I’m not. What are you doing here?”
“Don’t be one of those girls who won’t admit their feelings, Belle. And I just figured that you would come here.”
I frowned at his words. How long had he been waiting? He couldn’t have known that I was coming. I didn’t know that I was going to come. And what did he mean by ‘won’t admit their feelings’? I was truly not mad, just heartbroken.
So I said exactly that. He flinched slightly before biting his lip.
“Sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” he said and his voice was filled with guilt and hopefully regret. I shrugged noncommittally. It wasn’t like I could force him to like me back.
“It’s okay, Derrick. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Nor should have I expected for you to have to like me back,” I said bluntly. There was no point of hiding anything now. I had to come clean and lay out my cards.
I had had enough with all these silent games.
He shook his head at my words and I raised an eyebrow questioningly at him.
“That’s the thing, I do like you. A lot. Heck, I probably had liked you ever since the first time I laid my eyes on you,” he said, sounding slightly frustrated. My eyes snapped back at him in shock at his words and his actions. Derrick was usually a composed guy and rarely let his feelings to surface.
Does he seriously like me?
“T-T-Then, why did you pull away? Why did you run off?” My voice was close to a whimper and I felt my tears well up in my eyes in frustration.
Just like that, I snapped. I really just snapped. It was like something inside me just had had enough and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Why? Derrick, why?” I screamed, not caring that I was in public view. “Damn it, stop playing mind games with me. I freaking love you. I have been since freshman year. I can understand if you don’t like me back, really I could, but why do insist on playing games like this with me? You’re constantly playing tug of war and I’m just so sick of it! I’m not a rag doll, so can everyone just stop treating me like one!”
I let out a growl of frustration and next thing I realized, my fists were pounding on Derrick, wishing he understood the pain –the wracking pain- that I dealt with every single day since the kiss. Wishing he would feel the burden I felt all over me.
I felt his arms engulf me in hug as my hands went limp on his chest as I sobbed uncontrollably. I was screaming and crying and I just wanted everyone to stop.
I needed to have a break.
I couldn’t deal being a part of this crazy roller coaster that never seemed to stop. It just plunges down and left me in fear and exhaustion.
Being in his embrace calmed me down slightly and that was one thing that Derrick was extremely good at. No matter how agitated or angry or scared I was, his presence was enough to soothe me. He pulled back slightly and sat me on his lap as he took a seat on the damp grass. I didn’t object nor did I pull away. All I did was snuggle closer.
At this point, I couldn’t bring myself to care if I looked clingy or desperate.
I felt his breath on my neck and I tickled slightly. His constantly heaving chest lulled me into calmness and I just wished I could pause that moment. He had his arms around my waist and mine were woven with his. He then gave me a kiss on the head and placed his on mine. My eyes closed slightly at that action and a bitter smile graced my face for just a second.
We should be forbidden for one another.
“That is exactly why I pulled away, Belle. At that time, I needed to stop leading you on. I’ll be frank; I like you, a lot. I don’t know if its love, but I do know that my feelings are much more than friends. This is going to sound crazy, but I-I felt guilty.” His words calmed and made me curious at the same time.
Why couldn’t he be with me then?
“Why did you feel guilty? If you liked me, why did you never make a move?”
His eyes tore away from mine in uncertainty, before he whispered out six words that made me gasp.
“Jake was in love with you.”
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a/n bleep bleep bleeeeep. i'm SO SORRY DONT KILL MEE AAHHH. i will explain it in the next chapter i pinky promise. but yeah, jake was in lurve with his sister, (or is she?) raylaaaaaa.
btw, theres only going to be three more chapters and maybe or maybe not an epilogue heh. this was meant to not exceed fifteen chaps anyways so yeah. love you all whee