When I think about my past relationships (which I don’t like to do because I feel like punching myself in the neck for some of the people I gave my time and effort to) one thing that I’ve realised is that I generally get approached by guys that are younger than myself. Now, I’ve often like to think about why that is the case and mostly I like to tell myself that I perhaps look younger than I am, so therefore these young bucks think I’m the same age as them. Call it good genes or just a blessing but I can count on my one hand the amount of men that I’ve been in a relationship that were older than me.
I know a lot of you will immediately be thinking “damn Vexy you are a cougar” but I will rebuke such a statement because I don’t actively go looking for someone that is younger than me nor do I pleasure in the fact of being with a younger guy.
Anyway, it has dawned on me that it was exactly this time last year that I ended a relationship with “2 Bangs” now firstly… I didn’t give him this nickname my friend did but I’ll explain to you later why this nickname even came up and why even now it makes me laugh!
Sooooooo…..
I met him when I was a few months out of my relationship with Mr Bad Habit, at that point of my life I still hated all men and wanted nothing to do with them. You’ve all been there when you’ve had a really bad experience you just don’t want the opposite sex anywhere near you because you need time to heal and move on. Besides in general… I don’t like humans…you all get on my nerves sometimes. So on this particular day, I was heading to my mothers and as you do I had my headphones in so I don’t have to hear the annoying loud ass teenagers on the bus, or the one person that’s speaking so loud you can hear their whole conversation. I got off the bus and decided let me quickly pop to the shop to get a few snacks being the thickems I am it’s an important part of my life. So I went to the shop, and I noticed him from the corner of my eye he smiled so I thought let me be nice for one and smile back I was mainly happy because I got me some munchies so it naturally put me in a good mood. I left the shop and started to walk towards my mothers house but what I didn’t know was that 2 Bangs had left the shop and was trying to call me and get my attention. So there I am rhythmically walking with glee with my snacks in my hand in the middle of the night when all of a sudden I see a guy ran and tap my shoulder.
And….I…..screamed.
I automatically dropped my snacks and put up my fists ready to fight because when it comes to fear and being in “flight or fight” mode this woman was ready to fight. You can’t run up on someone and not expect them not to have their guard up especially when you live in West London, there are some crazy people out there…I’m just saying. So with my heart racing in the middle of the night after I’ve screamed my lungs off I’m sure the whole STREET heard me, I realised that it was the same guy I had seen in the shop. He picked up all my sweets and apologized because he said he was trying to get my attention since I came out the shop but my music is on full blast so I can block out the world.
Now… this should have been the RED FLAG in fact the GRENADE that showed me that I should not have entertained this man at all, because as we were talking it transpires that he knew my younger brother. It’s not a surprise when people from the local area know my brother it’s not rocket science but the problem was he knew my brother as they went to the same school… even worse they were in the same class. To help you understand my minor heart attack, my brother is 3 years younger than me and to most that might not seem that bad…BUT it doesn’t make you feel great knowing that someone that was doing their GCSE’s with your brother, is trying to get your number.
When men go out with younger girls in our society it’s not seen as anything major, in fact my first serious boyfriend was 5 years older than me…but we’ll leave that story for another day, you’ve already had enough entertainment from my life as it is. When you hear that a girl is going out with an older guy depending on the age gap it’s not seen as anything major but the second you hear that a woman is going with someone younger than them, the automatic response is “why can’t she find a man her own age? She’s a cradle snatcher/ Something’s wrong with her/ She’s got daddy issues” they will have you feeling like you’re on some Stella Got Her Groove Back tip when you date someone younger than you.
To cut a long story short and as you probably guessed we still continued to talk. The major reason I gave him the benefit of the doubt was because he was really mature and he had a child so he didn’t have the time to be mucking around being silly because he had a huge responsibility…or so I thought.
Let me first explain how and why he got the nickname “2 Bangs”. I’m one of those people that sleep really lightly when I have guests around. I’m not a fan of men that twitch in bed, and this man looked like he was having epileptic fits when he was sleeping, this is the second time I was in my fight mode with this boy, because I don’t know what kind of action packed dream he was having but he was bobbing and weaving more than Mohammed Ali. This boy was flopping like a fish out of water and I was scared of Nemo because he was closest to the door so that meant that I could not escape all I could do was pray to Jesus, turn my back to him and I tried to go to bed.
A few hours later, Nemo was still twitching in bed so much to the fact it woke me out of my sleep, so I woke up in a daze to check whether he was awake and if he was alright plus I’m not going to lie…I found it funny what he was doing it. I had never seen someone twitch as hard as he was, you would have thought he was a back up dancer in Thriller, I moved as close as I could to the wall because he was getting closer to me and I closed my eyes. The next thing I know…… BOOF. This boy had PUNCHED ME IN HIS SLEEP!
I woke up like…what…the…fuck…has just happened to me. I immediately sat up because I can’t believe that this boy had given me a clean left hook whilst he was fast asleep. I was not willing to be sleeping beside some Ike Turner when I should be in a state of peace and slumber I have enough stress during the day as it is. So as I sat there in complete shock as he was snoring away, my rage was real so it’s only natural that I got him back as I knew he was a heavy sleeper so I slapped him on the side of his head and got out the bed. When he finally woke up and I told him that he punched me he was looking me like I was lying, AS IF I COULD MAKE THAT UP, he apologised for hitting me but it was safe to say that was strike one.
Whilst we was dating, he was going through some hard times, so of course you try and support the person that you are with because you want them to be happy, but because of what he was going through we would argue. Sometimes over nothing, but mostly I was frustrated that he would complain about what was happening to him but I didn’t see him do much to change that situation. I’m one of those people who believe if you don’t like something you do everything in your power to change it. But you can’t complain about your life and throw a pity party when you’re sitting on the couch doing nothing about it. My friends and I refer to these types of people as “ain’t shit” men or women. I know it’s not grammatically correct but you know exactly what I mean when I use this term. Because of my past with Mr. Bad Habit I wasn’t a fan of hearing “shoulda woulda couldas” I wasn’t a huge fan or words I needed action, and 2 Bangs was no action man sometimes.
But let me not make it out like he was all bad, he was one of the sweetest guys I had ever met, he made me laugh, he was romantic and I am a sucker for that. So every time I thought “I’m done with this ain’t shit man” he would do something to make me feel guilty and I could tell that he really and I mean really liked me. Furthermore I’m not no wicked bitch of the West, I don’t like leaving people when they’re going through bad times because I’m a thick or thin kind of person but within reason. When I was going through certain things myself, he knew how to say the right thing or make me laugh so I appreciated that so it was only right I did the same for him…little did I know that he would really test me when it came to the THICK part of our relationship.
A few weeks later it transpired that he was moving out, so I told him whilst he was doing that he could stay at mine for a few days. I’m not sure whether he wasn’t listening to me properly or heard what he wanted to hear but that evening he turned up with not one bag of clothes but SEVERAL BAGS. I have never been flabbergasted in…my…life. I felt like this boy had set me up. This was some real life “Pranked” shit and I was not laughing at all. Regular people would come with a huge bag or maybe a small suitcase if you are trying to stretch it as you’ll be there for a few days, you would have thought this boy was MOVING IN with the amount of bags this boy rolled up with. My flat is not the hugest either, 2 Bangs had bags in my corridor AND living room, I couldn’t spin without falling over something of his so of course my rage levels were at level 100. During that time everything about him annoyed me, it was bad enough that he was a rough sleeper, now he had taken over my own place with his LIFE in bags and he looked like he was lying on a beach without a care in the world. Now the last time I checked…I’ve never been pregnant let’s not even get into the fact that labour scares the living shit out of me. So why did I have this so called grown ass man have me feel like I was taking care of him? No one wants to feel like a mother in a relationship with a man because when you enter a relationship you would like to think you come into it as equals but 2 Bangs had me feeling like we were as mismatched as sugar and salt…and you knew which one I was. Sometimes I would be sitting there looking at him and be mad at my damn self for making him feel like he was the Prince of Zamunda and I was his rose bearer throwing petals wherever he walked. It wasn’t even like he was helping to pay my rent or give me food money but wanted to eat me out of house and home, when we argued I wanted to say to him “last time I checked...your name is NOT on my tenancy” but I didn’t want to be bad mind so instead I said it in my head or when he wasn’t around.
So as you might have guessed my patience became non-existent, because at that point everything and I mean everything about him annoyed the living crap out of me. The way he spoke, the way he laughed, the friends he had, the way he dressed I literally hated him I know that sounds harsh but I quickly realised that I was no longer physically attracted to him, and he knew something was wrong because I wasn’t affectionate to him anymore. The thought of him trying to kiss me would make me want to throw up and I’m a thickems I don’t believe in wasting food. If he did try to hug me let alone kiss me, I was stiff like a woman in a coma, I became really cold to him and it truly wasn’t intentional but I was so fed up that I couldn’t help but be a bitch towards him.
Eventually I plucked up enough courage (after several bottles of wine) to end the relationship with 2 Bangs, it wasn’t an easy thing to do but it definitely wasn’t an easy breakup. As a man it’s hard to have pride when you’re practically being kicked out of a woman’s house, this is why my mother always told me never move in with a man because you don’t want him ever to say “get out of my house” you can’t really say no can you?
You would think after we broke up that this would be end of the chapter of 2 Bangs. About a month later, he got in contact with me just having regular conversation, it was nice to hear that he was doing better for himself and seemed happier. He asked me what I was up to (which when a man knows where you live is always a trap to see if you’re indoors) I was at home that particular evening and before I knew it my doorbell was ringing and 2 Bangs was outside my door. Now this was a particular evening when I didn’t want to entertain anyone if I was then I would have invited someone over! It really makes my nipples go in when someone self invites themselves to my home it is rude as hell. But I was already caught out because he knew I was home so I reluctantly opened the door biting the inside of my cheek because I wasn’t in the mood to fake smile.
So 2 Bangs proceeded to sit in my living room and we were just catching up, now I know the real reason he had come by was to check if I was seeing someone, and if I wasn’t if he could try worm his way back into my bed or him to beat m in his sleep…and I wasn’t about that life.
Whether he knew it or not I had already put him in the friendzone. So no matter if he turned up with flowers, sweets, Baileys and him covered in chocolate I was not interested in the slightest…but I would appreciate the Baileys though. So he was sitting in my living room once again looking like a King I was sitting as far away from him as possible so I wasn’t giving off any kin of misleading signals. After 30 minutes of him being at my home I realised that he really wasn’t in a rush to leave, and there is nothing worse that someone that outstays there welcome, especially when he wasn’t welcome in the first place. 2 Bangs then went on his phone to his friends that were inviting him to a party but this boy was trying to act like he already had plans to be at home I was like errmmmmmmm sorry? I don’t know you think this is but you aren’t staying here because you came here for a pit stop NOT full stop. He then decided to randomly start playing music loudly from his phone as he had one of those Bluetooth speakers that made it sound like I was having a concert in my living room. Not only was he playing music, he was purposely playing slow jams like he was slyly trying to seduce me. I have never been in a more awkward situation in my entire life. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone when they are playing R Kelly and looking at you like they want to take your clothes off. I’m sitting there questioning whether this boy is alright in his head as he sits there looking for another song to play sitting beside me, then he came with the sweet talk about how much he misses me and begins to reminisce about the things we did, all I could do was reply with a smile because at this point I had no words. Every woman would like to be seduced like we see in a music video with some music and sweet words but this was NOT the way I wanted it to happen and not the man either. This is was not a scene from Romeo and Juliet with him trying to make me fall in love with him, he was trying to think of the cheapest and ghetto way of trying to get into my panties, and if he thought that Jodeci and a few nice sentences was going to do that… he clearly did not know me.
At this point I had to think on my feet, I realised the only way I could politely get this boy out of my house was to in fact leave my house myself. I couldn’t bear to tell him get out again because I had did that not too long ago and it’s bad enough when you hear it once. I went to my bedroom and started putting on my trainers and jacket to make out that I was going to my mother’s house. He was a little shocked as I had now put a wrench in his plans of wanting to spend the evening with me but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Now let me make this clear, I had no intention of going to my mothers because truth be told I already knew that she wasn’t home but he didn’t need to know that. So we left my house walking towards the train station I assumed he would go train station and I would cross the street and go to the bus stop, I wasn’t going to get on the bus but I had to make him think I was. But 2 Bangs decided to walk me to the bus stop and WAIT for the bus with me….fuck…my…life. I could not make this up if I tried, I was pissed because like I said I had no intention of going anywhere but now he was making me. It was bad enough he had unnecessarily made me leave my home but now I was on a journey to GOD KNOWS WHERE! Never in my twenty cough years as a grown woman had I left my house and not know where the fuck I was going. Eventually my bus to nowhere came to my bus stop, I said my goodbyes and got onto the bus…to one stop.
The next stop was not that far away from the stop I had originally got on so I got off the bus like a member of the SWAT team. I had to check my surroundings and move as slick as a ninja just in case he was still around or could see me trying to go back home. It doesn’t help that I’m a thickems so it doesn’t take much to see me from quite a distance so I had to be careful with me getting home. The journey felt like I was Frodo on his quest to Mordor to try and get back home, it felt like a 3 hour journey when it’s really a 5 minute walk, even when I got home I was dreading that he would call or text me saying that he saw me but God had my back at last and I didn’t hear from him.
After this relationship, for many reasons I decided that I would not be dating any younger guys because I do not have the patience or stomach for it. It’s not attractive when I feel older than I already flipping feel and being with someone younger than me although they can be mature at times eventually they show their age one way or another because they haven’t gone through certain situations or life lessons when they are younger than you. Like I said before I am NOT a mother, and I’m in no particular rush to be especially to the man that I am in a relationship with. You are both expected to grow when in a relationship together but I don’t have time for a man to grow up…literally.