Getting ready for my date with Ben hadn't taken half as long as it had with Harry and I couldn't figure out whether this was a good or bad thing. Part of me screamed that less time meant less effort and therefore I wasn't as into it as I should have been. I knew it wasn't fair on Ben if I went into this half-heartedly, but I barely knew the guy aside from the few brief messages we'd exchanged via 'Lonely Hearts'. He seemed ridiculously perfect, the kind that was so perfect on paper it made you wonder what massive family secret or giant birth defect he was hiding. I owed to it myself, Elenore and Ben to at least give it my best shot, even if my head and heart was mourning the loss of Harry from my life. Another part of me pointed out that less effort simply meant things were going to be simple with Ben. He wasn't famous or known globally so I had nobody else to compete against. Ben's message had opened the door to a normal, healthy relationship that hopefully didn't come hand in hand with bricks flying through my windows.
Sometimes these thoughts made me feel guilty. I knew it wasn't really Harry's fault that these disastrous events had occurred. If anything it was my fault for being so unable to deal with anything other than the cleanliness of my flat. I didn't deserve Harry. It wasn't the other way round. A relationship with Harry could only be described as an experience. It was an emotional roller coaster, it made you feel alive. I was just too chicken to climb aboard and stay there. I hated that Harry had got it into his head that our date had meant nothing to me. If he'd calmed down for five minutes in my hallway he would have understood that. He wouldn't have left seething and jealous. Being a single mother without my own parents had built a bubble around myself and my life. Harry's drama had begun to wear the bubble thin, threatening its stability. Whenever I got worked up, the bubble felt as though it was going to pop and I panicked, hence the attacks. Without Harry, I could keep my bubble, but I was slowly beginning to wonder if the trade was really worth it.
"Ok, date round two." Elenore squealed, frantically smoothing every inch of my outfit and drenching me in perfume.
"Stop fussing!" I choked through the cloud. "This is going to be a fuss-free date. It's going to be simple, calm and sophisticated."
"I doubt it'll be simple, calm and sophisticated in the bedroom." She sniggered, brushing a stray hair out my eyes. My jaw dropped.
"Elenore, what on earth do you take me for?" I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore the blush that burned in my cheeks. "You're as bad as Harry." Since he'd picked up Nola I hadn't been able to stop thinking about his comment regarding my 'game plan'. He'd made me feel cheap.
"You know I'm kidding." She sighed, finally dropping her hands and taking a step away from me. She studied me for a moment before nodding in approval. "Perfect."
"Wish me luck!" I breathed, swiping my keys and bag from the coffee table and racing out the door before she had a chance to give me one of her pep talks. Her shouts of protest were cut off as the door closed and I found myself smiling as I left the building. For once I actually felt in control. And it felt strange. It was only when I was behind the wheel of my car that I realised how peculiar it also felt to be on the way to a date where Harry wasn't going to be waiting for me. In some ways Harry had slowly begun to become part of my bubble. I'd grown more and more ok with moving up and allowing him to have a spot, but now that possibility was gone.
I shook my head, hoping to rid my thoughts of Harry and focus on who I was meeting instead. Ben. Tall, fair haired and handsome Ben. His profile really had made him out to be the 'perfect man' and I just hoped he was the same in person. I wasn't sure how I would cope with another disastrous date, particularly one that concluded in A&E. His bio had stated that he was a music student and I couldn't help wondering if self-professed musos were officially my 'type'. He played the guitar, played rugby, could cook and had his own place. The more I thought about him the more ridiculously perfect he became. It was almost as if I was going to meet a Ken doll.
Elenore had already schooled me on how often I was supposed to mention Nola, which was - not.
"He's seen that you have a kid on your profile, you don't need to shove it in his face unless he asks. You'll scare him off otherwise." She'd told me. I was afraid I was going to have trouble with that. Nola was a big part of my life and it seemed strange that I should have to hide her from someone who could potentially become a father figure to her. It was this sort of situation where I wished I had been meeting Harry. She was his daughter. There was nothing to hide. Elenore had told me specifically not to mention this also.
"Imagine if you tell him and then you have a really bad date." She'd fired at me. "He might go home and blurt everything you told him regarding Harry to the press. It would be like the situation with your mum all over again." She'd been right, of course, and I knew I was jumping the gun when it came to justifying it by thinking he could potentially be a father figure to Nola, but it still felt strange. With Harry I could talk about Nola all day long. I had no idea what I was going to talk to Ben about. I didn't play guitar, I didn't understand rugby, I couldn't cook and my flat was boring and dingy. Things were already looking great.
I made it to Soho in what felt like record time. It actually worried me that I'd been so consumed by my thoughts I didn't remember the drive at all. The bar loomed before me and I had to force back the memories of the last time I'd been here, and the time before that. It felt like Harry was just everywhere. I checked my make up in my rear view mirror, giving myself the best grin I could muster. It was now or never. I stepped out of my car and crossed the road, squinting up at the illuminated bar sign. Perhaps this visit would be third time lucky. I really hoped so.
I pushed my way in, apologising profusely to the hoard of drunk smokers hanging around the door way and began scanning the mass of people for Ben. It was strange trying to identify someone whose face was only familiar due to an online photo. I felt like a complete rookie at the this dating stuff, I hadn't even dated before I'd fallen pregnant with Nola. As my eyes swept over the bar, a head of sandy tousled hair caught my attention. As if he'd heard my arrival, he swivelled on his bar stall, meeting my gaze and stretching his lips over his perfectly straight white teeth into a smile. My cheeks flushed and I gave him a small wave before beginning to make my way over to him.
"Hi, I'm Ben." He said enthusiastically, offering his hand to me. I shook it tentatively, flashing him a shy smile.
"I'm Marnie." I felt ridiculous. Of course he knew I was Marnie. There were only two people on this date - Ben and Marnie - and if he was Ben then I was obviously the only one left.
"You look great." He complimented, gesturing to my outfit.
"Thanks, you too." I quickly raked my eyes down his body, appreciating his skinny jeans and checked shirt combination. Apparently my taste in guys included their fashion sense. I was half expecting to look down and see a pair of chelsea boots, or even look up and see his hair pushed back by a bandana. I just couldn't shake Harry from my mind. He was clouding my vision.
"Would you like a drink?" He asked, gesturing that I should take the stool next to his. So far he seemed like a perfect gentleman. He was polite and very sweet. Maybe Elenore had done well this time. I owed her.
"Yes please. Just a coke though, I'm driving." Ben nodded and turned to speak to the bar man. I bounced anxiously on my stool scanning the room, my eyes catching anyone with dark curly locks. I almost felt as though I was betraying Harry by being here without him. A glass of coke topped with ice was placed in front of me and I smiled at Ben gratefully. "Thank you."
"No problem." He replied, taking a sip of his cider. He watched me carefully as I took a mouthful of my own drink. "Tell me about yourself."
"What would you like to know?" I asked, suddenly feeling very self concious and shy.
"Anything." He chuckled.
We ended up rambling about our high school years, comparing our worst teachers and causes of our detentions. The conversation quickly drifted into what we did with our friends on weekends, him keeping up the appearance of being very sweet and sensible and I remembering not to drop Nola into the conversation. I wasn't sure how he would have felt if I'd confessed to clearing up after a child on my Saturdays and Sundays, however he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would mind as much as Elenore had feared. After a while Ben ordered another round of drinks, guzzling his pint of cider much quicker than he had the first one. I felt uncomfortable as I sipped on my coke, wondering how much he was planning on drinking. I didn't like the thought of our first date ending with his vomit all over my shoes. As soon as the second pint emptied, a third one was ordered. I declined his offer for another one, still tackling my own glass of soft drink.
"So how far have you gone with a bloke?" He asked me suddenly, his eyes firmly on my chest. My mouth fell open, surpised that he'd become so forward all of a sudden.
"That's a bit personal, isn't it?" I tried to laugh it off, taking another sip of my coke and looking around the room awkwardly. The problem with these 'lonely hearts' profiles was that they didn't list a bio for what a person was like when under the influence of alcohol. I was beginning to think that replying to Ben's message would have been less appealing had I known what a heavy drinker he was. Alarm bells rang as he leant forward and placed a hand on my thigh.
"I just want to know what I'm working with." He winked at me and I choked on a surprised laugh that fell from my mouth without warning.
"I'm not sure that's really a first date topic of conversation." I mumbled, my grip tightening around my glass. The icy soda burned my fingers, but I ignored it, needing something to hold onto in order to prevent myself from running for my life.
"Don't be frigid." He drooled, his hand moving higher up my leg. "How about we get out of here?"
The coke that I had taken into my mouth suddenly burst from my lips, spraying Ben in the process. "I'm sorry." I stammered quickly. "I'll go get you something to clean that up with."
He was too busy muttering and wiping his hands on his shirt to notice me slipping off of my stool and swiping my bag from the bar top. I seized the opportunity and merged into the mass of people, carefully maneuvering myself towards the door. I had been right to think this guy had seemed too good to be true. He was a creep. I saw the door ahead and heaved a sigh of relief, ready to make a bee line for my car and get out of here. I couldn't wait to tell Elenore what a weirdo he'd turned out to be and that I was never going on a date set up via a website ever again. Just as I stepped into the cold air a hand grabbed hold of my wrist, gathering it into an iron grip. I squealed and was spun to face whoever had hold of me, not surprised to find myself face to face with Ben.
"Going somewhere?" He slurred, raising an eyebrow at me. His chiselled looks didn't look quite so good on him when combined with alcohol. I frowned at him and tried to pull my hand back, wincing when he tightened his grip in response.
"What are you doing? Let me go, Ben." I snapped. The people around us were too drunk to notice his behaviour and a cold chill ran up my spine making me shiver. I suddenly felt very alone.
"It's rude to leave unannounced." He scolded me, waggling the index finger on the hand he wasn't using to restrain me with.
"I'm going home." I told him, my jaw set. He pulled me out of the door way and further down the street, sending my bag flying in the process and ignoring my attempts to pull myself free. I tried to dig my heels in, but it was no use, he was too strong. "Stop it! Leave me alone!" He suddenly turned to face me, a menacing expression on his face.
"What, so Harry Styles is good enough for you but no one else is?" I froze as his words hung in the air. For a moment all I could hear was the sound of my heart thumping erratically in my chest. My breath caught as the realisation hit me that he knew exactly who I was. He'd known the minute he'd come across my profile online. He'd set me up. I took a deep breath.
"It was lovely to meet you, Ben, but I'll be going home now." I tried to sound confident, but my lip wobbled as I spoke, causing my statement to sound feeble and uneven. His fingers gripped tighter and a whine fell from my lips.
"You're not going anywhere, Marnie." He growled at me, pulling me up the street again. "What's so special about Harry Styles that he got some on his first date with you?"
"We weren't on a date!" I spat at him, not that he deserved to know anything about my relationship with Harry. He chuckled darkly.
"So would you have preferred if I'd just approached you in the bar without organising anything beforehand?" My eyebrows mashed together in confusion, unable to comprehend why this man was being so innapropriate and unkind when we barely knew one another. Maybe he'd got the wrong impression from one of the articles published about Harry and I, but I didn't trust him regardless.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I whimpered, tears stinging my eyes. I realised now that I was scared. Scared because I had no idea what was going to happen next. Ben looked around, checking that nobody was nearby before pulling me into the darkness of an alcove in the wall. I tried to cry out but his other hand came down over my mouth, the pads of his fingers pressing firmly into the skin of my cheek.
"Shut up!" He hissed in my ear. The hand wrapped around my wrist let go and travelled down to my hip, dragging across the fabric of my jeans as it did so. Bile rose in my throat and I blinked back tears, wondering how this had all gone so wrong.
The small space of the alcove and Ben's hand clamped down over my mouth aroused an uncomfortably familiar tightness in my chest, and for once I was oddly grateful for its appearance. My body began to shake in Ben's grip as I struggled to draw breaths through the small gaps in his fingers.
"What are you doing?" He snapped at me, panic clear in his voice. When my tears ran hot over his hand he released me, watching warily as I clawed at my chest and grimaced in pain.
"Leave me alone." I wheezed. "Stay away."
"What's happening to you?" Ben's voice wobbled and he looked around frantically as if concerned we might attract attention. "Stop that!"
I backed away from him, reaching for the wall opposite the alcove to stabilise myself but Ben sunk towards me, his hand outstretched as if he was going to make a grab for me again.
"I said leave me alone!" I choked, wincing as my chest constricted again. I tried to remember the nurse's suggestions; the coping techniques. Nola's face drifted into my mind; a dimpled smile on her face as she peeked out from under a bandana. I began to stumble away, tripping over my own feet as my fingertips grazed against the harsh wall beside me. There was no way I was going to be able to muster enough oxygen to get me away from this mess. A sob ripped through my chest, echoing in the space around us as Ben slammed his foot on the ground.
"I said pack it in!" His outstretched hand raised and I was suddenly knocked sideways, colliding with the wall as a burning sensation spread across my cheek.
a/n: I feel bas cos Max Irons is sooooo hot