Dedicated to imanibakir13
I know it's hard to forget someone you care about because when you've built a home out of someone....that kind of connection never goes away.
It stays with you whether they leave or not.
~rm. Drake.
الحام.
Elham.
After that evening I spent with Asaad, I went home and asked for permission to sleep over at Imaan's place. It was pretty normal for us to have sleepovers but I knew my mother knew I was doing it because I wanted to escape, firstly because of my dad and secondly, I needed time to accept the painful reality about her health.
The night was short. I only got to sleep when it was a few minutes to fajr prayer and I was the least excited for school.
I couldn't help but realize how difficult it was to try to move on with life when you weren't fine, when you were watching everything fall apart.
"You're sure you're fine?" Imaan asked me for the millionth time as we headed for our next class.
"Yeah" I mumbled the same answer I kept on giving her.
The class was boring and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I had kept on looking around but I didn't see Asaad which only made matters worse for me. I couldn't help but wonder why he wasn't in school.
After spending time on the rooftop, he suggested we go home since it was getting late. I didn't want to , either because I enjoyed the place, I didn't want to go home or I just wanted to be around him. Or all.
He had shown me his house before he dropped me at my place. Turned out he lived a few blocks away from me and I didn't know if that made me happy or sad.
I didn't realize it was already lunch time until Imaan waved in front of my face.
"Earth to Elham"
I blinked.
I needed to stop zoning out.
"Uhh yeah" I said weirdly. I didn't want her suspecting there was something up with me but at the same time, I knew it was obvious that I wasn't fine and I couldn't do anything to hide it.
I was going to speak when Asaad passed our table. Our eyes met for a second before I quickly looked away. He didn't look sick. Well he did look sick, but a bit better than usual. And I couldn't smell the usual 'cigar' smell.
"Elham"
My head snapped towards her. She had obviously noticed the look him and I shared.
"Yes?" I cleared my throat, moving in my seat.
"You're not telling me something"
Haha, I'm not telling you a lot of things actually.
"Why say so?" I asked her, my mind still on Asaad.
"Hello! It can't be anymore obvious that you're not okay"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Don't worry about me"
"Oh please"
"Elham Arab. How've you been? It's so nice finally talking to you again. It's been how long? A week?"
I shook my head, rolling my eyes. Imaan looked like she was already running out of patience and as if she was gonna slit the girl's throat any moment.
"Really Amna, what's it this time? You've missed me I guess" I said dryly, not sparing her a glance.
"Missed you? Eww. More like I've missed tormenting you"
Lmao.
"You really think the whole pestering thing you do to me is you tormenting me? More like making yourself look stupid"
"Haha. Says the girl who always cries after I say just a few words to her"
"Used to"
"Oh please. We both know you're scared. You're terrified and you know you're ugly and worthless and that's why you hide your face behind that veil all in the name of worship"
"I swear to God one more word from you and I'm gonna rip off that flimsy thing you call a dress off your body and beat you up!" Imaan yelled and I took a deep breath.
"Imaan" I whispered.
"You fucking shut up you stupid girl who was no job but following this good for nothing brat"
Excuse me?
Okay talk trash about me and I might take it.
But my best friend? Hell no!
I stood up angrily and faced her, taking steps close to her until I was close enough.
"Now listen to me, and listen very carefully. The next time you walk up to me again and say something disrespectful about me or my best friend..,"
"What Elham? What would you do? Oh okay how about we make a deal instead?"
I kept quiet as a sign for her to go on.
"You take off your Niqab and show everyone here your face, and I'll leave you alone" the whole student body formed a circle around us and I was getting scared and nervous but I managed to look confident despite everything.
I searched the crowd that chanted "yes" continuously for Asaad but he wasn't there. He was at a far corner. Staring at everything. Our eyes met and he shook his head.
"Nope. I'm definitely doing that"
"I see you're scared that Asaad would see your face and probably run away from you because of how monstrous you look"
Was this some sort of joke? Me? Monstrous?
"You don't look any better you know Amna. I really don't get you. Why do you do all these? Why exactly? I haven't done anything to you. I've always minded my business but you always find a way to disturb my life. Why?"
"Shut up and stop acting like the fucking victim you whore"
"That's it Amna" I was now shouting at the top of my voice.
"Do not call me a whore again. If there's a whore between the both of us, it's obviously you. Acting all innocent when we all know you sleep with teachers for-" before I could finish my sentence, she slapped me across my face.
Furiously, I slapped her across her face too, harder than she did, and now, people were coming in between us, trying to stop the fight.
"Elham calm down. Breathe" Imaan said from behind.
Everything happened so fast and the next thing I knew was the principal came in and ordered both of us to follow him to his office.
******
Detention.
The principal said he had never thought of me as a 'violent' student and I had always been one of the best students in school and for that, he was going to minimize our punishments to a two week detention. I didn't know if that was supposed to be good news or not. Especially because I wasn't going to get to meet up with Asaad after school for our project anymore. We were going to have to fix another time.
"I mean it's better than getting suspended right?" Imaan asked as I opened my locker.
I quietly nodded, not interested in whatever she was saying.
"You know if something is wrong with you, you can just talk to me instead of acting like a bitch"
Seriously Imaan?
I don't feel the need to tell you, not when you already know anyway.
I shut my locker close loudly and turned to her. And then an idea came to my head.
"Well. It's just.." I trailed off.
"Just what?"
I sighed.
"Do we have to talk about this?"
"Yes. I wanna know what's bothering you"
I sighed again.
"This isn't something we should be talking about in school" I saw her expression change, probably confirming to herself it was what she thought. "But.. but my mom is sick"
I watched her mouth form an 'o' shape.
"Oh Allah, what's wrong with her?"
I mean Ummi didn't exactly confirm to me if Imaan knew or not. But I was completely sure her mother told her. I just knew it.
"Hmm... Cancer"
She widened her eyes. "La ilahi"
Wow Imaan.
Okay maybe she didn't know.
"Wow Elham! How could you have not told me earlier? When did she tell you this?"
I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Don't play games with me Imaan"
She froze.
"I d-don't get what you mean"
"Of course you don't" I pursed my lips.
"I.."
"Oh please. I know you too well. You knew it this whole time and you kept it away from me" I said looking into her eyes. The hallway was a bit empty and we were talking in hushed tones.
"I d-didn't"
"You're such a bad liar. Seriously though? I expected much better from you"
"Fine! I knew. I did"
Duh!
"Obviously" I said, rolling my eyes.
"But there was no way I could tell you"
"Why? How? When were you guys planning on telling me anyway? When she is about dying?"
"Seriously Elham, listen to yourself. If after this whole thing the only thing you're thinking about is why we hid it from you then you're messed up really bad"
"I don't get what you mean by I'm messed up real bad. I'm her daughter. I'm supposed to be the first to know"
"Then I guess you should be telling her that and not me. She was only doing it to keep you sane but just listen to yourself"
"Imaan! You've known this for months and I'm just knowing. She didn't even tell me. I freaking found out and only God knows how long she had to live according to the doctors"
"I really don't care. What you should understand is I wasn't in a place to tell you"
Ouch.
"That's the only thing you should have said instead of trying to justify what you did"
"Oh please. You need to start thinking about other people other than yourself. Stop being selfish. You're so self centered and the sooner you stop, the better it is for you"
"Really Imaan? I'm selfish? I don't think so. But even if I was, this isn't the way you should tell me. And before you say any more, I'm done with this convo"
And then I walked away.
Phew! I've been walking away a lot these days.
"Elham"
It was Asaad.
I stopped in my tracks.
"Yes?" I answered angrily.
He looked at me in shock.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously what? Please Asaad, I'm not In the mood to listen to you. Whatever you have to say, keep it to yourself. And that little spoilt brat called Amna, you better go give her some attention so she can stay away from me please. You and her should both just fuck off. I don't even wanna do the stupid project with you" I yelled, storming off.
Leaving a completely stunned Asaad.
********
As if the whole drama that happened in school wasn't enough, as I reached home and stepped in, I found my mom sitting on the couch and crying with some parts of her clothes stained with blood.
"Ummi" I ran towards her. Her nose was bleeding and her eyes were swollen. Her lips were also bleeding and swollen and I felt a strong kind of hate build up inside me.
That man.
"Ummi please. Calm down. What's wrong? He hit you again didn't he?"
She could only cry and as I noticed, I hugged her tightly, tears flowing from my eyes.
We were in that position for like ten minutes until she stopped crying and sat up.
"What have I done to deserve all this? To go through all this. I know this is all a test but it hurts badly"
I wiped my tears and looked at her.
"I'm so sorry Ummi. I was only thinking of myself. I'm sorry for ignoring you and everything I did. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me ummi. It's just that I was so sad and confused"
She smiled sadly, "you had every right to act that way. I would have done the same thing actually. But you need to understand that all I did was in your favor"
I nodded my head. "I know. I now understand and I'm so sorry"
I got the first aid box and cleaned up the blood and everything.
"So. What are the doctors saying?"
She shook her head. "Let's not talk about this"
"No ummi. Please we should"
She was quiet for a long time.
"Well"
"Well?"
"They said I have three m-months to l-live" she stuttered.
I felt my heart drop at the news.
This had to be some sort of joke.
Maybe I was on some sort of prank show right?
"No" I shook my head as fresh tears rolled out.
"Yes" she confirmed, breaking into a cry.
"No! No this can't be. There has to be some way out! We could-"
"No Elham. No. Let it be. Please. I beg of you" she said and I looked at her for a while.
This was real. My mother. Best friend, rock, happiness, my everything.
"Noooo. No this can't be true"
"It is"
And with that, I ran upstairs to my room and cried uncontrollably for hours.
******
When I realized I had to leave the house because of how imprisoned I felt by my thoughts, I got dressed and headed downstairs. I couldn't stay inside anymore. I wasn't on good terms with Imaan and I wasn't ready to talk to her so I couldn't go to her place.
The house seemed empty. My father wasn't at home since that incident and I guessed my mother was up in her bedroom or something so I just walked out.
It was drizzling but I didn't care. I had bigger issues than some water pouring on me.
I walked down the street and when I passed Assad's house, I turned back and decided to pay him a visit. I had been rude to him earlier on and I felt the need to apologize for my behavior.
I walked up to the front door and pressed the door bell. I was already wet and I knew he was going to wonder why on earth I was here.
On second thoughts, I turned to leave but the door flew open.
Expecting to see Asaad with his moody face, I saw a tall lady with grey eyes, dressed in grey sweatpants and a pink sweatshirt.
"Hello, salaam alaykum. I'm guessing you're Elham.
I'm Aseeyah, Assad's sister. And no we are not twins cuz I get that question a lot"
I couldn't help but laugh a bit. I wasn't expecting this at all. She actually looked a lot like Asaad but just a female version.
"Ass! Elham is here!!" And then she smiled and headed to call him.
I didn't know if that meant I could come In or not and as I contemplated, a young girl of probably age 15 ran towards me. She wasn't tall as Aseeyah and Asaad and she had a chubby figure.
"Elham!" She squealed, hugging me.
Okay, it seemed like he had siblings that knew me.
Okay wow.
I was confused as to what to even do.
"Hey!" I hugged her back. She let go and smiled at me. "It's so nice to meet you. You're even prettier than I thought. Please do come in"
How did she even know I was pretty since she couldn't even see my face lmao?
"Go inside. Now" Someone said from behind and her smile dropped. She passed me one last look before stepping inside.
I was now getting a bit cold. Yes I really needed to get myself warm.
Didn't she notice I was damp when she hugged me?
"Hey" I said to him.
He gave me a bored look.
"Asaad I'm so sorry about earlier on it's just that-"
He slammed the door before I could finish.
I didn't know if that was funny or sad.
I stayed there for a while, hoping he was gonna open back the door.
And then he did, with the same poker face on.
And then I smiled. The kind of smile that is between a smile and a laugh.
Like you're trying to hold In a laugh or something.
He arched his brow and I cleared my throat.
"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean anything I said. It's just that today was such a trashy day and well.."
He glared at me for a while and I was starting to get scared:
"It won't happen again. I didn't mean it especially when Said I didn't want to do the project with you. You know I can't. You're such a good partner and I didn't mean it when I said you should leave me alone and.." I trailed off. I was out of words and he didn't seem even slightly convinced.
I sighed.
"Maybe I should just go"
I turned to walk away when he stopped me.
"You think I'm really gonna let you leave soaked in rain water and probably hungry and sad? Nope"
I was stunned.
"Seriously what? Please Asaad, let me be.." he mimicked my voice, teasing me about the incident that had happened earlier on in school and laughing and I couldn't help but burst into laughter too.
I stepped into his house and he locked that door.
"You know you looked so scary" he laughed hard and it made me laugh too.
You know that situation where someone keeps laughing and it makes you laugh and then your laughter makes them laugh harder and theirs make you laugh even more? That was what was happening. And we wouldn't have stopped except we were interrupted.
"What's so funny?" And then I found a little boy staring at me blankly. He looked more like the younger girl that hugged me earlier but he looked like he was ten or so. And then I noticed the other two girls were also staring at us.
"Uhhh..."
But Asaad was still laughing and before I knew it, I was laughing again, and then they all joined for no reason and I couldn't help but realize how awkward everything was.
Laughing with your friend's family who you had just met, for no reason.
The sound of a thunder roared loudly and we all froze and then it all became funny again and we continued laughing.
So awkward.
But definitely worth it.
********
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Xoxo.