Dougal Lathem
When I originally talked to Dougal and Kevin about their preschool experience, I thought I had heard the end of the story. But out of the blue, I got a call from Dougal saying that there was more to it. A lot more.
—————————
AARON: OK, I'm here. What did you want to tell me?
DOUGAL: First, I have a question: Who is that in the cage?
AARON: That's Lucas.
DOUGAL: Yeah, I know. I meant the other cage.
AARON: Oh, right. That's Stephanie. Lucas's girlfriend.
DOUGAL: Really? Nice, Lucas! She's super-cute!
LUCAS: I know! I'm a lucky guy!
STEPHANIE: So, Dougal, you're not going to ask why I'm in a cage?
DOUGAL: I'm sure there's a good reason.
AARON: There is! These crazy kids are in love, but are having trouble being faithful to each other. So I took it upon myself to solve the problem.
DOUGAL: Awww! That's so romantic!
STEPHANIE: Or a felony.
DOUGAL: Or both!
STEPHANIE: Fair enough.
DOUGAL: And now we put the spotlight back on me!
AARON: Sure. What's up?
DOUGAL: I have a confession to make.
AARON: Let me guess: You're not really gay!
DOUGAL: Ha! Good one, smug heterosexual entitled white guy! But no. The thing is, we didn't tell you the entire truth last time we spoke.
AARON: How so?
DOUGAL: When we said that Angel almost got bitten by the little shit-stain Sebastian, that was kind of a fib.
AARON: Are you saying he was bitten? I mean... zir was bitten?
DOUGAL: Kevin's not here at the moment, so feel free to use more convenient pronouns.
AARON: Thank you.
DOUGAL: You're welcome. And, yes, he was bitten. But it was such a teeny tiny cut — barely a scratch — that we didn't even notice it at first. And when we did it looked so superficial that we thought that Angel would be fine. So we disinfected the scratch with rubbing alcohol and left it at that.
AARON: Rubbing alcohol negates the zombie virus?
DOUGAL: Uh, no.
Aaron: But Angel's OK, right?
STEPHANIE: Jesus 1.0, Rubicon! Do you really not see where this story is going?
LUCAS: Um, it's best not to antagonize Mr. Rubicon.
STEPHANIE: What's he going to do? Punish me?
LUCAS: No, he's going to punish me!
STEPHANIE: Well, that's sexist.
DOUGAL: This couple is getting less adorable by the minute.
AARON: Seriously. Stop stealing focus, you two. Thank you.
DOUGAL: Anyway, the point is that Angel now identifies as a Zombie-American. Slash firetruck. I guess.
AARON: Wow. That's... geez.
DOUGAL: Aaron Rubicon. Wordsmith.
AARON: So when did you and Kevin realize that Angel was turning into a zombie?
DOUGAL: It took a while. I mean, there were signs early on, but at the time, they didn't seem like a big deal.
AARON: Like what?
DOUGAL: Angel didn't have any appetite. He seemed more tired than usual. And instead of watching his favorite show — Peppa Pig, gag! — he tore his pet hamster Fu-fu in half and then ate him.
Side Note: Naming the hamster Fu-Fu was another one of Angel's terrible decisions. Especially when the name Sir Squeaks-a-Lot was staring us in the face the whole time.
AARON: So when you saw what Angel had done to Fu-fu, you knew?
You'd think so, right? But it's funny how parents can rationalize a lot of their kid's behavior if they want to.
AARON: How did you rationalize that?
DOUGAL: Well, Kevin was like, "It's probably just a phase." You know, like that was a normal part of childhood. The mutilation-of-live-warm-blooded-animals phase. I was like, "I guess I missed that chapter in "What To Expect: The Toddler Years."
And Kevin was all: "You missed every chapter in What To Expect: The Toddler Years!" Which totally was true. I was willing to have a kid, but I never said I'd do homework.
AARON: So what ultimately convinced you?
DOUGAL: Well, we were all outside on the front lawn. We always told Angel that he has to say in the yard. It was one of our most important rules. And up until then, he always stayed in the yard. But this time, he disobeyed us.
AARON: And that made you think he was a zombie?
DOUGAL: No, actually. But when Angel wandered out into the street, got hit head-on by a car and kept on going as if nothing had happened... that made us think he was a zombie.
AARON: Because he survived getting hit by a car?
DOUGAL: Let's not be over-dramatic. It was a Ford Fiesta. Anyone would have survived. It weighs like, ten pounds. Angel could've thrown it with one hand, like the Hulk. It's that Angel didn't cry. And Angel always cries when he's even a little bit hurt. Once, a soap bubble popped on his nose and he burst into tears.
AARON: So... not the most rugged child in the world.
DOUGAL: He gets that from my side of the family. And that's why, when we saw him being all stoic and fearless, we knew something wasn't right.
AARON: So what's it like raising a zombie child?
DOUGAL: In some ways, it's kind of like raising a snake. You feed him pinkie mice and try not to get bitten. But in other ways, it's not that different.
AARON: How so?
DOUGAL: He still can't tie his own shoes. He still won't clean his room. He still has absolutely no fashion sense. He gets that from Kevin's side of the family.
AARON: What does he do all day?
DOUGAL: Stares at us menacingly. Walks face-first into the same wall, again and again. And on Tuesdays and Saturdays, he has playdates.
AARON: Are you serious? What parent in their right mind would let a zombie play with their kid?
DOUGAL: A parent who also has a zombie kid. Care to guess who it is?
AARON: Sebastian?
DOUGAL: Ding ding ding! And the truly amazing thing about Sebastian is that even for a zombie, he's awful.
AARON: How can that be?
DOUGAL: Well, all the other zombies go Rrrrr! and he did too at first, but now he makes this disgusting sound like a combination of the dry heaves and a wet burp. And when we give him brains to eat—
AARON: You let him eat brains?
DOUGAL: Relax, Rubicon, they're cow brains, not human brains.
AARON: That's a relief.
DOUGAL: At least I think they're not human brains. I mean, really, how would I know? Anyway, in addition to that gross noise, Sebastian chews like a camel. He's this stinking zombie doofus with brains falling out of his stupid open mouth and onto the carpet. I don't even want to get into how much it costs to clean it.
AARON: Why don't you get rid of the carpet?
DOUGAL: Because it ties the whole room together.
AARON: Out of curiosity, did Rod and Tish apologize at least apologize for turning your kid into a zombie.
DOUGAL: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Thank you! I needed a good laugh. Wait... you're serious?
AARON: I mean...
DOUGAL: No. No they didn't. They blamed the school.
AARON: Of course.
DOUGAL: And they are — wait for it — suing!
AARON: Because...?
DOUGAL: It was Just For Kids' job to prevent sick kids from going to school.
AARON: But it was their kid!
DOUGAL: Right...
AARON: And they were the ones who wouldn't take them home!
DOUGAL: Well, Rod and Tish think the school should have tried harder.
AARON: Has all this been hard on your relationship with Kevin?
DOUGAL: It has. Honestly, when it comes to Angel, we really don't see eye to eye anymore. Kevin still looks at Angel as his son. I look at Angel as, well, a mini-monster. Which made Kevin really mad. He was all, "You're just as close-minded as your parents used to be! You of all people should be able to accept him for who he is, even though he doesn't fit into what society considers normal!"
And I was all, "Silicon-Based Jesus, Kevin, not everything is an LGBT metaphor!" Although honestly, it kind of is.
And Kevin was like, "Remember? We said that we'd love Angel no matter what! "
And yeah, I remembered, but this wasn't exactly how I was picturing "no matter what." I was thinking more along the lines of, I'll love him even if he wears Crocs. Or if he becomes a fan of Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Or becomes a genocidal warlord named Doctor Death.
AARON: Really?
DOUGAL: Well, probably not the Lloyd-Webber thing. I mean, I'm a forgiving person, but have you seen Starlight Express?
AARON: I have not.
DOUGAL: You're lucky. The only thing entertaining about it? Watching the actor who played Greaseball wiping out and getting carried off on a stretcher.
AARON: Going forward, what do you think the future holds?
DOUGAL: I don't know. But we can't keep doing this forever. Angel will keep getting bigger and stronger and eventually we won't be able to handle him.
AARON: Sounds like a real conundrum.
DOUGAL: It is.
AARON: This is an indelicate question but... did you ever think about setting Angel on fire?
DOUGAL: No! And by "no" I mean "Yes, but don't tell Kevin."
STEPHANIE: And that is why I don't want children!
LUCAS: Kids won't really be an issue until we get to, you know, share a cage.
AARON: Sorry, but I'm old-fashioned. You don't get to move in together until you put a ring on it.
LUCAS: How am I going to get a ring?
AARON: That is not my problem.