Best way to answer the phone:
Mario's pizzeria and abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce.
I painfully teetered along the dark vacant street that even Siri couldn't locate. When crowned as Hell's Personal Purge, I was briefly connected to the thoughts of the human they wanted me to kill. And by 'they', I meant the demons living inside me. Personally, I believed it was to add comedy to the job.
Those jokes in kickasshumor.com... I'll thank my son for introducing the internet to me. I'll steal him a burger for waiting in the truck.
The human's thoughts triggered the souls in my stomach and they eagerly chanted, indicating I was approaching tonight's dinner.
The bright McDonalds sign blinded my vision and I nearly walked into a parked truck.
If only Hell could feed off of Big Macs instead of humans. There was nothing wrong with fat demons-some of those thin ghosts could use the carbs.
Struggling to bury the mental voice cranking louder, I entered the restaurant and was hit by a sudden coldness. The victim's thoughts vanished and I inhaled such divine scents.
There stood twenty beefy men, full of tattoo glory while holding pathetic guns to such delicious, innocent warm victims. Pity how I yearned for the coldness these thieves were giving off.
My tongue swept across my bottom lip as the souls sensed their cold hearts. The poor cashier wasn't shoving money in the potato sack fast enough, causing one killer to shoot a trembling child. The mother's screams died momentarily.
He pressed the riffle in the cashier's side. "Faster!" the thief ordered while his buddies gave amusing pokes at the feared customers. It was touching how the cashier lady's flushed pink cheeks and smudged lipstick matched her Elsa braid.
"Why hello, darlings," I sang. "How come I wasn't invited to the party?"
The thief at the cashier jumped and on instinct turned the gun and fired. The bullet whizzed through the air, slid past my open lips and my mouth clamped shut, catching the silver with my teeth.
The hilarious pokes at the customers stopped. Silence stretched across the restaurant.
I picked out the dented bullet and flicked it off my thumb. "It would've been better if you shot a french fry or something. I actually could have digested that. We're at McDonalds for Pete's Sake."
My attention was arrested by the thief's quivering finger. "S-she's-she's a-Witch!"
I rolled my eyes. "Really," I said dryly. "What are we? In the 1800s or something?" I waved my hand over the black tank and ripped shorts I stole from Target. "Does it look like I'm wear'in your mother's drapes?"
"Get out, witch!" the thief threatened yet his smell of fear was enticing. "Get out or you'll make the biggest mistake of your life!"
A snort escaped my mouth. "Please. If you want to know about big mistakes, ask your parents."
The thief growled and pressed the gun to the cashier's head. She whimpered, shoulders shrinking in fright. "If you don't leave, she dies."
I clutched my heart and poured an exaggerated, "Oh no! Art thou threatening me? Whatever shall I do?" Suddenly, the souls roared in impatience and my eyes swirled pitch-black. A slow, wicked smile broadened across my lips, and my nails grew an inch, sharpening to catch the same gleam in my malicious eyes. "Wait-I know exactly what to do."
Now the role of Hell's personal purge was to cleanse--aka--unleash the anger and revenge that the creatures in Hell struggled to contain.
Picture demon's pouring their anger into a jar. The jar refills everyday and it's my job to go on the mainland and empty that cute lil' bottle. That way, the jar won't overflow and explode and release hungry monsters into your home. Like, would you really want a bloodthirsty, sharply fanged demon above you each time you took a shit? No.
The demon souls made occasional visits to the jar (my body), sitting in my system as they waited childishly for the killing.
See, I emptied their anger by feeding them death. Fun, right?
These demons bitches were always mad and seeking vengeance. Honestly they should really consider anger management classes.
But these demons were picky bastards; like kids who refused to eat their broccoli and only ate chocolate. These demons enjoyed warm, innocent humans by day and cold hearted humans at night. Which was practical considering revenge was a dish best served cold.
The earlier thief with the quivering fingers yelped and blindly shot at me. The sound of the bullet going off excited the hungry souls and I lunged at him. My knees pinned him to the gleaming tiles and his last breathe emerged before my sharp nails clawed into the layer of skin. My hand sunk into his oozing flesh, grabbing onto his spine and then crushing it within my fingertips. He crazily screamed as the invisible souls fed into his body, sinking into the open gauge. The single whiff of his blood sent me over the edge.
One demon satisfied. A crap ton to go.
"Kill her!" the thief cried out, hiding himself and the cashier lady behind the counter.
A sick laugh rumbled up my throat and I removed my drenched hand to unsheathe the knife from my thigh strap. This never played out like those terrible, action movie scenes where the enemies were being gentlemen and took polite turns to attack the victim. No-these thieves were unmannered wrecking balls who caged together.
Straddling the corpse, I didn't have time to hop onto my feet, and somersaulted backwards, dodging a bullet. Landing with bent knees, the cursed dagger heated up at the closeness of these tasty cold bodies.
The first killer charged. I leaped above him and drove a knife into his back. His shout fuelled the adrenaline and I retracted the saturated weapon to dodge one fist to the right and bent to another, followed by leg swerving around, clipping both of their temples. When a fist drove past my ear, I shoved my hand into his eye and pulled out the slimy socket. I then whipped it like a helicopter-YOLO: You only live once-and clubbed an attacker with it before piercing the knife in his chest.
The four bodies knocked to the floor; the lost souls howling in pleasure at the sobbing thieves. I sensed a bullet fly to the right and ducked, sweeping my leg to catch a man off his feet.
Guns fired and I dove behind a booth, my back slamming against the cushion. Five guns. I peeked out and whirled the dagger, it curving in the air to penetrate two necks before sinking deep into the third one. The last two shooters were a booth away, and sunrise was soon. Time was running short. Anxious nerves strumming, I searched the booth, and gathered butter knives in each hand and jumped off the table, soaring to then stab the utensils in his eyes.
I flipped over and landed on my boots, his eyeballs stuck to the blades. "Pupil kabobs anyone?" I said.
The last shooter couldn't answer; busy with a throat full of raw human BBQ.
Catching the line of thieves running towards me, I sprung for my knife and yanked it from the shooter's neck. Making a mad dash to them, I swung out the blade, the blade extending and I slid across the aisle on my knees, cutting their legs off. Blood squirted along my face, the silvery taste only burning the pleasure. The screams were sending the souls in hysterics as many hurried out to feed.
I flew to my feet and met one bold killer who charged with a butcher knife. The blade hardly brushing my skin, I drove my knife straight from the split between their legs, and swiped upwards, the blade cutting their stomach, to the chest, to the neck and finishing off at the head, dividing him in half.
The two floppy body pieces collapsed and my boots stepped into the pool of red, splashing the traumatized witnesses.
I licked the running dribble of blood down my blade. "Anyone else?" I sweetly drawled.
Suddenly the witnesses jumbled to their feet, face planting into the blood puddles before scrambling up to bust out the door. A woman even tripped over the guy's head and screamed, staggering to the exit.
Then it was just the three amigos; boss thief, the Elsa haired cashier lady and the best person you would ever meet. "I'll shoot!" he threatened again but this time his voice cracked. His pits were damp and his jacket was coated in blood jam.
"Go right ahead," I said.
Hesitating, he tossed her to the side and pointed the gun at my nonexistent heart.
Amused, I flashed a pearly smile and said, "They're really going to enjoy you in Hell." He shouted a war cry and started firing off bullets like a lunatic. The gun shook in his hands as clicks of metal hitting the floor were rapidly increasing.
Die you witch!
So he was the voice of tonight's main victim. I deflected each bullet with the knife, bouncing them off into the shattering glass windows. I inched closer, and he backed away faster until his back hit the wall. Then his gun was empty. He swore, chucked the gun and tried make a breakaway, but I caught him by the shirt and hurled him to the ground, towering over his face. "You killing that child was such a waste."
I crawled on top of him, holding in the last soul that needed feeding. Trembling, the fearless leader look dissolved into his colourless face. "S-stop. Please."
Our eyes meet; killer to killer. His thoughts were now screaming in my mind and I hissed, the useless pleads to Christ aggravating. Deeper, I felt the coldness of his heart and for the second time tonight, I was shocked. He was possessed. Hell rarely had a demon leaking. I was the only one eligible to roam the mainland.
As if his inner demon linked with my thoughts, his eyes shaped into black piercing orbs.
I cursed at the quickening transformation and my teeth were temporary fangs as I bit into his torso, ripping off the slippery flesh. There was no time to claw out chunks. A shriek made up of a human scream and a demon howl sent my ears ringing and my eyes took in the thumping heart that began to turn dark. His growing nails scratched into the tiles, scales flickering up his arms.
Then my blade burrowed into his open heart. An eerie screech spazzed out of the demon's mouth. His scaly body trembled under my hands, gleaming nails clawing for my throat. His weak gaze failed to meet my eyes and with a lisp, he hissed, "W-who are you?"
Abruptly, his heart pumped faster under my hands. His black eyes bulged with realization, and he gasped, "No...no...not you."
"Yes, yes," I said sickly.
Fingers tight under the handle, I lowered to his face, inhaling the smell of death. It was near. As I approached, his filthy human pleas heightened, wails of lying promises irritating my ears.
He shook his head like a maniac, forcing himself not to believe the truth. The truth all beings of the Earth feared. "It-it can't be. Y-You're not real." Humorously, Hell's personal purge was a mere myth here on the mainland.
I flashed a wicked grin inherited by my ex-boyfriend the Reaper. My voice shrunk to a coarse whisper. "Sorry baby, but I'm as real as it gets."
"There are more of us coming! There's a new darkness! Y-you can't do-" I twisted the blade to hear his moist heart tear. Demon howls bounced off the store walls and finally a raspy breath left its now yellow teeth before falling limp.
I retracted the knife, wiping it across my denim shorts. I should've been worried about the demon's warning yet I hardly cared at that time. My voice sweetened to a foreign kindness. "You can come out, Miss Cashier Lady."
There was no movement until seconds later appeared the McDonalds employee. She slowly rose, eyes bloodshot red with mascara smeared. She sniffed and I almost got emotional myself.
LOL. Emotions.
I smoothed my tank, standing freckled with my victim's blood. I then strode over to her, drummed my fingers on the counter and radiated a lovely smile. "Is there flesh between my teeth?" Her head wildly shook. "Good." I scanned the menu above. "Could I get some chicken McNuggets and a happy meal to go please?"
She didn't hesitate and fetched the meal faster than any human I've ever seen. Why couldn't McDonald workers serve like that?
Her hand wobbled as she held out the paper bag. I softly took it and asked, "So how much will that be?" Her tongue was rooted to the top of her mouth, and I told her to hold on. Grabbing a leg I cut, I slammed it onto the counter with a thud and rummaged through his jean pocket. I pulled out a twenty and placed it in her frozen hands. "Keep the change," I said and left the leg on the counter. "Have a great night!" I waved goodbye and exited the McDonalds with the paper bag.
The twilight was complete. The abandoned streets were astray as before, bursting stars replacing the town lights. The broken glass crunched under my boots and I was relieved the souls were satisfied for tonight.
About to unravel the paper bag, someone stumbled into my side. I swerved my head and grimaced at a man who basically popped from thin air as he held my shoulder. The distasteful reek of alcohol scrunched my nose. "Will you marry me?" he wheezed.
His hand was warm under my cold skin and I pitied how I wasn't hungry for Innocence. "Sorry, I'm a lesbian," I lied and tried peeling him off.
Yet he stuck like Elmer glue. "What's a lesbian?" he slurred.
"I like to sleep with girls."
"Ha ha, really? I'm also lesbian!"
Sunrise peeked over the horizon and the hunger returned. My gaze wandered at the harmless man and a drifting soul floated, unfed. My attraction to cold bodies was fainting, the thirst increasing for innocent warm bodies. My hands trickled down his neck and he hummed in approval. Then I dug my nails, the claws re-emerged, and his agonizing scream earned an appreciating demon sigh. Fingertips soaked in the flesh, I yanked out his beating heart and tossed the body. Clutching the organ, I raised it up, and then raised the happy meal.
Happy meal? Human heart. Happy meal? Human heart. Happy meal?
My own appetite rumbled for the Happy Meal but the souls moaned in disagreement. This was worst part of being Hell's purge. I couldn't even joy American's number one fattening piece of shit.
Unexpectedly a small whimper sourced from McDonalds, causing my ears to twitch. The sunlight barely touched my caramel skin, and I breathed a long sigh. If I fed an innocent body to the souls now, they'd be satisfied for twelve hours. Apparently feeding one innocent person a day was more delightful and filling.
Shoving the heart in the paper bag, I passed the open truck and revisited the restaurant to discover a young fellow staring horrified at the fast food massacre.
"Dad?" he croaked with his back to me. He was the similar age of the adolescent body I was trapped in, white crayon skin failing to hide his flushed cheeks.
Unfamiliar sadness laced through my voice, "Your daddy's gone, sweetheart."
His remained still and I sensed his watery blue eyes lift from his dead father. Stressed, he dragged his hand through the brown strands. "W-Why? What happened?"
Confused, I asked, "Didn't you hear the screams?"
"I had my headphones on."
The number one teenage excuse of the 21st century. If the entire human population burst into mini Kim Kardashians, sat on a chair and broke the internet, this guy still wouldn't have noticed. Because he had his headphones on.
"Dad," he whimpered again. His eyes remained glued on his father's ripped chest.
I stepped alongside him, both our feet drowning in a sea of human sauce. I handed over the paper bag. "If it makes you feel better, have my happy meal."
I supposed he was beyond shaken to observe my bloody attire, and drew the offer to his chest. "Why is the bag red?" he asked.
"Ketchup spilled," I said.
Slowly, he unravelled the sack and stuck his hand in.
His eyes popped. "Why do I feel something squishy?"
"The chicken McNuggets got soggy."
Then he pulled it out.
:) :) :)
I'm a sicko. I know. But I found sheer humour in this so I apologize if you didn't.
Trailer by novemberdreamer
What do you think? Favourite part?
j_street
Ps.
Pupil kabob anyone?
Oh, and please comment and vote!! :)
And you don't need to read the other book to understand this one since they both have drastic differences in plot, and character