I staggered to the couch next to me and sat down. I caught a view of Chris's reaction from the corner of my eyes. He'd been concentrating on his assignment throughout my dad and I's conversation but by that moment he was just staring at his laptop.
Dad sat down on the opposite couch.
"Chris, can you come here for a couple of minutes?" he asked, looking behind him.
Chris stayed just as he was for a few seconds before deciding to abandon his high-chair to sit on the couch next to me.
"I didn't want to tell you like this", dad started.
I shook my head, closing my eyes briefly. "Dad, stop lying. This isn't going to work".
"I'm not lying", dad protested his innocence.
"You've lied before", I reminded him.
He sighed. "I was only trying to protect you, the two of you. It was a stupid idea but I needed you guys to break up. I was going to tell you guys the truth when you had moved on, so it wouldn't hurt like it's going to now when you are forced to break up".
I stood up. "I do not believe any of this shit!"
"I know it's hard to believe. It was hard for me to believe", he said.
I paced, looking at him.
"You have sunk low dad. Just freaking tell me why you don't want Chris and I to be together", I said.
"Because you are brothers and it is incest" he said, sticking to his story.
I threw my arms wildly around me. "Stop lying goddammit!"
"Jake I want you to be happy. You are my son and I love you. I admit I was a bit skeptical when you introduced Chris to us as your boyfriend. I had never thought my son would be gay but there you were. I didn't believe in your love, I saw it as a faze that would blow eventually, but it didn't. You loved him and I could see that he loved you. I accepted your love, knowing that you were happy, you had finally settled into a relationship that wasn't parasitic. Why would I want to destroy all that without a valid reason?" he said.
I chuckled humorlessly, wondering if a father could be so evil he wanted to destroy his child's happiness.
I didn't say anything though. He would crack, right?
"Mr.....Mr. White, H-How am I Jake's brother?" Chris asked quietly, his words littered with confusion.
"You are my son", dad replied.
I snorted, rolling my eyes.
"But how?" Chris asked.
Dad held his head in his hands for a while. He was a good actor, I'd give him that.
"I had a fling with your mom 19 years ago. Her name is Allison Kerr. Jake's mom was pregnant...with Jake. After the whole postpartum depression with Gabe she wasn't thrilled to be expecting another child. She became aloof and just...unhappy. I had a fling to escape her. Allison was young, she had a fiery soul and she was just full of passion. A couple of months later I decide to end things with her. We parted on a good note, but she didn't tell me she was pregnant. A couple of months ago, 5 months into your relationship, she sent me a letter. She told me I had a son, a son that she left on the doorstep of an orphanage because she couldn't take care of you. It was too much to believe, but I hired a private investigator that brought me the startling news that my 'son' was adopted by James and Suzanne Hart. I knew it had to be you", dad said.
I had listened to the story intently and when dad stopped talking I opened my mouth.
"That does not prove anything. The private investigator could have gotten it wrong", I said.
"I didn't think about that at first. The news were a shock to me so I did the only thing I could, I tried separating the two of you. Usually I'm a level-headed person but the prospect of having another son shook me a bit. I started seeing how like me Chris was: focused, smart, hardworking and eager to learn. But days before you came home to tell me about Adriana, I entertained the thought of Denver making a mistake. He's good at his job, but even experts can make mistakes. I had a DNA test done on Chris in two separate labs. The results were without a doubt".
"When was this test done?" I asked.
"About two weeks ago. I sent Chris for a medical, but it was under the guise of a check-up. The doctor had his blood delivered to two private laboratories, one here in Richmond and another in Lanceville".
"So your test was illegal. Who says you didn't bribe whoever did the tests to fabricate results?" I drilled dad.
"And what would I have to gain from that?" he asked.
"I don't know. You just want to ruin my happiness!" I yelled.
I had totally forgotten about Chris, who was sitting there stone-eyed. He wasn't moving an inch. There wasn't anger in his eyes. I couldn't read any expression actually.
"Jake, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry", dad said looking all sincere.
I collapsed on the couch, breathing heavily. Would this tirade just end already?!
"I refuse to believe it. I can't", I said quietly.
"You are going through denial, that's okay. I went through denial too, but I wasn't just thinking about what repercussions this had for me. I thought of you, the two of you. I am selfish and bossy and a slave-driver and a...not a saint, but I am not cruel as to destroy for my sons - both my sons- what may be the only source of real happiness in their lives".
I felt tears sting my eyes at dad's sincere words. It was finally sinking in. After minutes of denial the reality of it all was finally settling in my mind. I had no words to say. What do I say? I had just found out that my boyfriend was my brother and that our relationship was abominable, despicable, repulsive, offensive, revolting, vile, contemptible, disgusting.
A fairly beautiful day had been turned into a wretched ugly day that I just wanted to be removed from existence.
"Dad, please tell me you are joking, please", I requested desperately. "Dad, I'm happy. I don't know what you have against Chris, but he makes me happy. Please just say you are joking. I'll forgive you".
Dad looked apologetically at me. His face was solemn, but his eyes were filling with tears. I had never seen my dad cry, either in joy or in sadness.
I looked at Chris. He was just staring into nothingness.
"Chris?" dad said looking concerned about his lack of reaction too.
"I want to see the results", Chris said firmly.
"...Very well. I don't have the hardcopies here with me, but I have softcopies on my USB flash drive", dad said.
Chris held out his hand. Dad removed his USB flash drive from his car keys and handed it to him. I watched Chris walk to his laptop. He plugged the flash drive in.
"Folder?" he asked.
"Personals, then GJ and then unnamed", dad said.
Chris clicked away on his laptop. He gazed at the screen and my eyes widened in anticipation. His face was still expressionless even when he was looking at the results. I stood up to go join him. At first all I saw on the screen were horizontal bars that were confusing. But Chris seemed to understand because he didn't scroll down for a while.
When he did scroll down I read a sentence I had never thought I would read. Chris was my father's son. He was my half-brother.
I touched his hand then and we just stood like that. I didn't know what to say and he probably didn't either because he didn't say anything.
Dad spoke. "Chris if I had known, none of this would have happened."
Chris removed my hand from his and walked to the living area, leaving me standing over his laptop.
"What now? No. Why now?" I heard him ask.
"I..."dad started but Chris interrupted.
"I've lived my whole life with parents who hated me. I was their doormat, their primary targets when they'd had bad days at work. I wished they weren't my parents. And they weren't! But you know what happened when I found out? Nothing! It only made me feel worthless to know that my biological parents hadn't wanted me either!" he shouted quietly.
"I'm sorry about that Chris. If I knew about you I would have never let her abandon you at some orphanage. If she'd told me she was pregnant things would have been different", dad said desperately.
"How different? Would you have shipped me off to some foreign country to be raised by nannies and never visited? Or wait, that's a lot of work. Would you have had her abort me? Just because you didn't know about me doesn't mean you would have wanted me anyway. I was the result of a mistake!" he yelled.
I had been concerned about his lack of reaction, but it had been building up and now it was boiling over. I wanted so badly to shield him from the pain and the anger, make him smile like I'd done before dad had arrived, but I couldn't.
"I won't lie. You weren't planned, but you would have been a joy to me anyway. You are a joy to me. I would have taken care of you just like I do Gabriel and Jake. I would have loved you like them. If you give me a chance I will do that now".
Chris stayed quiet.
"I didn't need to offer you money to break up with Jake. I knew your fear of Jake cheating on you. You would have broken up with him without the money. I gave you that money because even though I couldn't yet tell you the truth, I wanted to support you. I know you don't want the money, but it was all I could offer you at that time".
"You would have told me once Jake and I moved on?" Chris asked.
"Yes...or when your love wasn't that much strong. It was a risk, but all I wanted was to protect my children", dad said.
"What you weren't aware of is, there really wouldn't have been much difference between the breakup you instigated and this breakup we are forced to have. The only thing is, it feels like being stabbed at the same spot twice, a spot that was nearing completion of its healing process", Chris said.
"I know. I just didn't think you'd get back together after the breakup, but when Jake had his accident near Richmond, I knew where he'd been. That's when I realized that my plan was full of holes, but mostly, it was bullshit".
My stomach growled loudly for everyone to hear. Talk about wrong timing. Both eyes turned to me and then back.
"What now?" Chris asked.
"I would love to be a dad to you, a proper dad", dad said.
Chris looked at me. "What about Jake and I?" He didn't remove his eyes from me even when he said that.
Dad sighed. "You cannot be in a relationship. You have...you have to breakup. There is no other way".
Chris clenched his teeth. His jaw was taut.
"Where is she? My...mom", I asked.
"I have no idea. She's disappeared without a trace. I hired people to look for her but so far the trail has gone cold. I haven't seen her for 19 years. But when I got the letter, I recognized her handwriting. We don't think she personally delivered the letter".
"Can you...can you leave us alone...for the whole day? Please?" Chris asked.
"Of course. Take the time you need to process this", dad said standing up.
"Does mom know about this?" I asked as I watched him stand up.
"No, not yet. Your mom is sick and I'm afraid this will take her over the edge".
He walked towards me now.
"What do you mean she's sick?" I asked.
"Your mom has...I don't know what to call it because the doctors don't know what to call it. She was a lively person, but after giving birth to Gabe, everything changed. She refused to even touch him for the first year. The doctors diagnosed it as postpartum depression. She relaxed around him as time went by, but then she got pregnant with you and she just lost it. When she was 7 months with you she tried committing suicide. I could never understand what was wrong with her. When she gave birth she treated you like she did Gabe at first, but she warmed up to you like she did with him. She had episodes, episodes where she would talk to herself about how much she didn't deserve you guys. I tried helping her, I took her to doctors. They said she was depressed and gave her medication. It didn't help, she got worse. She stopped eating, she spoke to imaginary people, and she cried for hours...I sent her to therapy. Remember Table Bay? You cried that you wanted to go but she wasn't going on a holiday. She was going to therapy. When she came back she was better, but it all started again. She lost weight, she looked pale, she had hallucinations, she had memory loss....it was just a mix up of symptoms of a disease doctors couldn't diagnose. I never let you and Gabe see, that's why you were away most of the time".
I breathed heavily. Everything was starting to make sense now. We rarely saw our mother when we grew up. She showed up only to disappear within minutes. She never spent too much time with us. Martha took on the role of mother, playing with us and teaching us new things. Mom was just never around. She was always in her room. Overtime we got used to it, and as we got older we sort of ignored it.
"I will be leaving now", dad said. "And son, I'm only hard on you because I love you. I do not give you everything you want because I know what bad that can do. Look at Adriana".
He walked towards the door. I watched him exit without a word, although I sighed seconds later.
"So..." I said, having no intention of finishing my sentence.
"You need to eat", Chris said.
"I don't think I can eat anything with all this sour-taste in my mouth", I said.
Chris walked towards me. He stood only centimeters away from me. My body reacted to our proximity. The things I thought of doing were revolting to society.
"Baby...Jake, you need to eat. We can talk about things calmly while you are eating", he said.
"Look who's telling who about needing to eat", I said grinning, although my grin wasn't entirely sincere. I felt like doing the opposite of grinning.
"There's leftover pizza. We can heat it up or eat out", he said.
"I'm not a fan of leftover pizza but I don't feel like people. I might just murder someone for asking me if I'm going to pay cash or card", I said.
Chris opened the fridge and took out the Pizzas.
Chris's POV
I listened to the microwave make its humming sound as it heated our slices of pizza. I wasn't really in the mood to eat but telling Jake to eat while I didn't would just make me look like a hypocrite.
Jake wasn't saying anything, but I could sense his eyes on me. I focused on the microwave, not wanting to meet his eyes just yet.
Ping!
Our pizza slices were ready. My heart wasn't. I wasn't ready to give up on something that had brought me so much joy. Jake's dad, my dad's revelation had thrown me sideways, generating a whole lot of emotions that I kept contained within my fragile body. I wasn't ready to deal with any of the emotions. But even I knew I would have to. Life had thrown me something bittersweet. I didn't know how to handle it.
"Baby...Chris, the pizza is ready", I heard Jake say and realized I had been preoccupied with my thoughts for some time.
I removed the pizza slices and placed them on two paper plates. "There's four more slices in the box, so if you are still hungry you can heat them up", I said.
Domestic words, words perfect for an old boring couple...those were the words I found to be able to utter. Nothing about feelings, desires or the issue at hand, no...I wasn't ready for that.
"One slice will be fine", Jake said.
"What drink do you want?" I was behaving more like a waitress and I hated it.
"Any", he said curtly.
I grabbed two soda cans from the fridge and handed one two him.
We sat in the living area on separate couches, facing each other. I took a bite of my tasteless pizza and chewed. The effort of chewing was just too much. Thoughts were racing around my head and it felt like I couldn't do two things at once.
I risked a look at Jake and I found him looking right at me. Our eyes met. His eyes were streaked with so much pain it hit me on my gut as if I'd been physically kicked.
"Can we just talk about this? I can't stand the silence", he said.
"Yeah, me too", I said.
"So...?" Jake said and faltered.
I sighed. What do you say in situations like this? I wasn't ready to acknowledge anything but we couldn't pretend like everything was okay. Nothing was okay.
The pain in his eyes hurt me for two reasons. I knew he didn't want to break up and I didn't want to either. But a part of me was happy that I had a dad. I'd gone my whole life thinking that all my parents; biological and adopted, didn't want me. Mr. White was my dad, and he wanted me. That filled me with happiness. He seemed sincere with his words, and regardless of what he had done, being his son didn't seem bad.
The only problem was it was him. I would have been wholly happy if it had been anyone else, but it had been him. My boyfriend's father was my father. I was his flesh and blood. Jake and I were half-brothers, half-brothers in a relationship that was atrocious, forbidden.
Ever since I found out I was adopted, I had envisioned a meeting with my biological parents. My visions were of two different scenarios. In the first one they had been forced by their families to give me up. I was the result of a forbidden love. Even though my parents loved and wanted me, they couldn't keep me. They gave me up, promising to return one day when they were able to claim me as their own.
In the second scenario I was the son of a couple who didn't want children. Despising me, they had dumped me at an orphanage or dumped me at some doorstep and left me there to die. Years later when I had worked my ass off at college, gotten my degree and a well-paying job, they came to me in rags, pleading for my forgiveness and help.
Never had I imagined that my dad would be my boyfriend's dad who hadn't known about my existence!
Jake sighed, setting his barely eaten food aside. "Chris?"
"I don't know what to say", I said.
"Then tell me what you are thinking", he said.
"Is it wrong that a part of me is happy?" I asked, looking at him intently.
He didn't answer.
"Baby", I said and this time I didn't bother correcting myself. "I have a dad who wants to care for me, who wants to love me".
Jake's face fell.
"I want to be happy for you too baby, I just...this..." he said and faltered.
I went to sit next to him. I had a great desire to touch him but I couldn't.
"Imagine us as brothers", he said chuckling slightly.
"We are brothers", I said.
He turned his face to me, looking deeply into my eyes. My heart rate increased and my mind fought to keep it in check. My lips yearned to connect with his.
"But I don't want us to be brothers, I like us just as lovers", he whispered desperately.
His lips inched towards mine and I pulled back.
"Is our love really wrong?" he asked.
I shook my head firmly. "No, I don't think love can ever be wrong".
We continued talking for hours. All the while we kept clear of any intimate activity between us, which was really hard. He would touch my hand and I would move it. I would lean in for a kiss and he would turn his head. Around lunch time we came to a stalemate. It wasn't so much a stalemate but we hadn't decided on anything concrete and so we could be pulled any way. Mr. White called and informed us that we were going to have a family meeting the next day, the urgency brought up by the fact that he wanted to tell his family the news before they heard them form someone else. Jake and I agreed, but we weren't enthusiastic about it. We weren't in a mood to be told by more people that what we had was forbidden. A second breakup loomed and we weren't up for it.
We went out for Lunch and left Richmond in the evening. We alternated driving and got to Maryvale at midnight. I elected to sleep at Tyler's place for the night and Jake drove me there. When I got out of the car, schoolbag in my hand, he shouted,
"I love you".
"Like a brother?" I asked grinning.
"Is there any other that is allowed?"
I smiled. "I love you too".
He got into the car and drove home.
My smile wavered. Keeping up appearances when I knew things were breaking apart was a lot of work. We hadn't talked much in the car, a blanket of fear hovering above us. It was only a matter of time...and there was nothing we could do about it. Our love was doomed.