I take a bite of my very large french fry and look around the restaurant. Braden and I are at McDonald's for lunch today, just the two of us. It feels like I haven't talked to him in so long.
It's been a whole month since Kristen tried to tell me Rey wouldn't date me. Since then I've got a lot of confused looks in the hallway as I walk hand in hand with Rey. Nobody - I included- can figure out why someone like him would date someone like me. I've had plenty of people come up to me and ask if I'm really dating him
I hate to say it, but lately, my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I've laid in bed for hours thinking and rethink every little thing. Especially when it comes to Rey and me.
I can't ignore the nagging voice in the back of my head always whispering all these bad things. 'Rey doesn't actually like you'. 'He only wants you for sex like everyone else'. 'You never satisfy him enough'. 'Rey's only with you because he pities you'. 'Rey just wants you to shut up'. 'Rey could do some much better'.
I wish I could say that I've ignored these thoughts, but every day the slip more in more into my heart until my stomach starts to turn.
"How's Mr. Freddie?" I sip my sweet tea and try to distract myself with other's relationships. I've been doing it with Reagan and Jaiden too.
Braden nods, "Good. Yeah, he's coming down Friday and we're going to hang out."
I wiggle my eyebrows with an evil smile, "Hang out."
Braden rolls his eyes, "Oh my god, shut up. Hang out, yes. You know I'm too scared to do that yet."
I nod and lean back in the booth, "Yeah, I know. But you can do other things than that. I can teach you-"
"Oh god, no! No, please shut up. Please, we're in public!" Braden smacks his hand over his ears like a kid.
I just snicker and keep eating my fries. Truth be told, Rey and I haven't done that either. I've started to notice how Rey and I are never truly alone. Like there is always someone in the house when I'm with him. Or we're in public, with people all around. Every time we could be all alone, he makes an excuse. Every time my heart starts to drop more and more and I doubt myself even more.
"Calm down. Just know if you ever need tips, I've got you. I don't my boy going in blind and embarrassing himself," I shrug like I'm not having an internal crisis.
"Yes, I know. You tend to bring it a lot. So stop. Let's talk about something else than my sex life. Have you turned in most of your college applications?"
I groan and throw my head back, "Shut up! I'll I've ever hear is college this, college that. I've driven myself crazy at this point writing college essays. I don't know why I should get accepted in! Because I need to get away from my crazy family? Because I asked to be accepted? I don't know!"
It was true. Most of the time, I wasn't working or doing homework, I've been writing college application essays. I swear, even after six new schools, I've never answered the question 'what makes you unique' more in my life. Scholarships and essays have overtaken my life. It's another reason I've been distant to Rey.
Every time I think of him as I write, I worry what will happen to us when we go to college. I've never trusted long distance relationships. Rey may want to go to a college halfway across the country from me. We'd never see each other. He'd met people better than me.
"I feel you," Braden laughs, "If I don't get accepted into the college's I wrote ten pages for then I think I'll throw myself in front of a bus."
"That's a mood!" I laugh.
It's so nice talking to Braden. He doesn't have the guilt that comes along with the Dyke sisters, or even Marvin, who I've come accustom to with Rey. Oh, and Rey. It feels like I never talk to him outside of school or through text. But Braden, he has no extra bias. I talk about anything and have him listen truthfully.
"God, I miss this. Why don't we hang out as much anymore? We should go mini golfing."
Braden coughs on his drink, "Mini-golfing? Where did that come from?"
I shrug, "I don't know. Mini-golfing sounds fun and relaxing and possibly cheaper than movies."
Braden chuckles, "Wow, okay. Mini-golfing. Are they even open in the winter?"
I frown, i hadn't thought of that. I doubt they're open in the winter, when it's five below and often a thin layer of ice covering the entire town.
"Goddamnit, Braden, you're always ruining the moment. I'll think of something else, and we're going to do it, okay?" I point a finger in his face.
I have to think of something to distract myself.
~~~
"Barkley, your grandmother found this nice camp, not too far from Reno. It's called a 'realization camp', she said that it seems like you would enjoy it," My mother gives a smile and my eyes widen.
"Um, I think I'm too old for camp," It was a church camp. Grandma thinks it's perfect for me so I can realize that being gay is a sin.
"Oh, no, it's for thirteen to nineteen, isn't that perfect?" I twitch in my seat and jump off the couch.
"Uh, no thank you. I don't want to go to camp. I'm going to see if any of the Dykes are home," And then I bound out of the house.
I shive as soon as I get outside, from the cold air and the car in the driveway. It's Rey's, but I know the triplets share two cars. Which means either Reagan or Riley could be home too.
I shouldn't be fretting about my boyfriend is the only one home, but I can't but think I'm going to go inside and he'll say something about how he's tired or busy or something that hints I should leave.
I shouldn't be hesitant about coming over either. I should just walk in and be happy with whoever is inside. I take a deep breath and walk over to the Dyke's house, and open the front door. I stopped knocking a while back when Reagan told me she was tired of getting the door.
I walk up the stairs, my hand fluttering over the rail. All the doors are closed. I check Riley's first. A little knock and then I push the door open a crack. It's dark so I know she's gone. I wince and move across the hall, knocking and opening Reagan's door. Dark.
I sigh, as gently close Reagan's door, glancing back at Rey's. He's the only one home, and I know he's asleep. I lick my lips, should I go in his room? I probably shouldn't wake him up since he's working tonight, but I haven't hung out with him outside school for at least four days.
I rub the hem of shirt between my fingers and tiptoe to his room. I don't knock since he's sleeping, inside, lightly pushing the door open and am greeted with a soft song playing in his room. He is indeed sleeping, laying on his back with his arm behind his head. It almost seems like he's fake sleeping.
Justing seeing him there makes my heart pound more and remind me how much I like him. How beautiful and kind and smooth and caring he is. I bite my lip, a smile trying to escape.
His eye flutters open and I lick my lips at the sound of his groggy voice, "Barkley?"
I keep rubbing the hem of my shirt, "Hi. Sorry, I just need to get out of the house. I hoped Riley or Reagan would be home so I didn't wake you up..."
I push himself up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes, "Is everything okay?"
I nod, "Oh, yeah. Just annoying parents. Where are the twins?"
Rey slides off his bed and clicks his phone to stop the music, "Working. I should probably take a shower since I'm awake."
And that makes my shoulders sag and a little flame starts in my stomach. He's doing it again, pushing me away. I wish I could nod and just leave but some part of me just can't let this go on anymore.
"Why? I thought you don't usually take showers until later? It's only four. We could hang out for a little bit," My jaw tightens slightly, as he licks his lips and looks around avoiding it.
"Uh, yeah I don't usually. But I'm awake, might as well do it. And then I should probably work on some college apps. I can tell you when the twins get home from work, though."
I break, "Oh my god, not this. Rey, I don't know what's going on anymore. I get we're both in a busy time of our lives. With college applications and working and school and sleeping and everything but this is too much. I only see you at school. I haven't ignored all those little excuses you give to get away from me. I haven't ignored the fact you don't like being alone with me. I've tried to get past it, but I can't anymore. All I ever hear are the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me this is all fake. That you only are dating me for pity. That you don't actually like me. Fuck Rey, what are we doing?"
Rey just sits there on his bed, looking at his lap after I pour my heart out to him. I understand he's not the most vocal or expressive, but I can't be the only one showing or saying how I feel anymore. He needs to give me something. I need some type of explanation.
He doesn't say anything, my stomach flips and heart feels like a fifty-pound weight.
I rub a hand down my face, my breathing getting fast as I hold in tears, "Okay. I understand. Thanks for the fun while it lasted."
And then I walk out on the boy I've felt the most for in forever.