I was woken up by the sound of yelling. From my room I couldn't make out much of what was being said, but as I listened to stomping up the stairs I heard, clear as day, a "fuck you." I hopped out of bed and whipped my door open to see a fuming Ryan storming by.
"Oi! What's going on?" I demanded.
"Nothing, Sav." He snapped.
"Well that was very obviously something. What's the matter with you two?"
"Will you just piss off?" He turned around quickly to scowl at me and I was startled by the redness of his eyes and the dark circles under them.
"Are you drunk?" I asked him. It was just after ten in the morning and I was really getting sick of having to ask people that question.
"Just go down and have breakfast with dad. I'll say bye before you leave." He said, sounding exhausted. And with that he closed the door in my face.
I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen to find my dad leaning over the counter top. "What was all that?" I asked him now.
He only shook his head and waved a hand at me, "What d'you want for breakfast?"
"I want to know what that was about." I huffed as I sat down.
"Your brother's just been going out a lot and I'm being a worry wart. Don't you start worrying too." He gave me a pat on the shoulder as he placed my tea down in front of me.
I decided to leave it be at that, but made a mental note to ask Connor if he knew any more details of their fighting.
"What time are you sticking around ‘til?"
"I figured I'd leave around half twelve. Gives me more than enough time to get back to London, hopefully there's not awful traffic and then have plenty of time to get ready for Nick's with Grace."
"Sounds good. It's looking pretty shit out, so what do you say we watch a movie and then I'll send you off on your way?" He suggested.
"Brilliant." I smiled.
---
There was traffic. Lots of it, but I finally got back to mine and texted Grace that she could come over whenever she wanted so we could get ready.
I desperately needed to do a load of laundry, but Grace said that she had an outfit that she had all planned for me, so I had one less things to stress about. I got in the shower and washed my hair quickly. Also shaving my legs, just in case. She wouldn't tell me what the outfit was so I figured I'd cover all the bases.
I was glad I did when Grace showed up at my house with a short, simple white collared dress on a hanger.
"Grace...I don't think this dinner is quite so dressy. I mean, it's just us at Nick's house." I told her as I inspected the dress. It was beautiful, but still, I would feel more comfortable in something more casual.
"No, no. Don't you worry, I'm already way ahead of you there." She took off towards my bedroom. I followed after her and saw her sorting through the rack of clothes in my room. "Got it!" She turned back to me and handed me a plain black sweater. "Go put the dress on with this over it." She instructed. So I obeyed.
I fixed the dress so that it's collar was popping out from beneath the sweater and she squealed. "It looks so good!"
"Are you sure? I don't look like I'm trying too hard or anything?" I asked her, self consciously.
"No! And I'm not even going to make you wear real heels, I reckon it'll look quite cute with your Chelsea boots. The ones with the small chunky heel though." I nodded agreeing with her. "Come on, I'll do your hair as well."
"Thanks, Grace." She blew a kiss to me as she reached for my hand and pulled me towards the bathroom.
---
Grace and I were sitting in her car after she parked just a house or two down from Nick's and I was freaking out.
"I can't do this, Grace!"
"Yes you can," she assured me. "We're gonna go in there and have a great dinner and then you're gonna talk to Harry. It'll be fine." She said confidently.
"Ugh," I groaned, "okay." I told her and I reached to open the car door.
"Listen, it really will be okay, I have no doubt about it, but if you really wanna leave at any point...just let me know." She told me seriously.
"Thank you, Grace." I responded sincerely.
I had barely finished the first knock before Nick had already tore the door open and charged forward to hug me.
"SAVVY!" I laughed loudly and hugged him back, although not quite matching his level of enthusiasm.
"You alright, Nick?" I asked as he led us inside.
"Just great, how are you? Introduce me to your friend!"
"We're good, this is Grace. Grace, this is Nick."
They exchanged greetings and stood talking for a bit, getting to know each other, and I began to wonder where Harry was. I tried to subtly lean my head and peek around to see if I saw him. Apparently, I wasn't as subtle as I thought.
"He's in the back grilling." Nick said with a smirk.
I thought about trying to deny that I had been looking for Harry, but instead I nodded and gave him a tight lipped smile.
"Please tell me you're all caught up on this train wreck going on between the two of them?" He asked and turned to Grace.
"Yes! God, it's been torture. She fancies him so much." She said. Now I wasn't under the impression that I had done some stellar job hiding my feelings, but that didn't mean I wanted her advertising them like that to Nick.
"I knew it!" He turned to smile at me.
"Well-I-" I sputtered, "Grace fancied you!" I decided that'd be the best way to get the attention off me. It may have been a bit primary school of me, but I was working with what I had.
Nick turned back to her now with a mischievous glint to his eyes. Grace was staring at me with wide eyes and red cheeks.
"I would hardly say I fancied you! I just said you were fit."
"Well cheers, babe. I like you even more already."
"Did you know they're meant to talk after dinner tonight?" She asked Nick while staring at me with a challenging eyebrow raise.
"Grace!" I snapped. I wasn't sure if Harry had shared that with Nick and I didn't appreciate being talked about like I wasn't standing right there.
"What? That twat didn't tell me that!" Grace just started to nod frantically along and Nick pulled her into the kitchen, to discuss Harry and I no doubt, leaving me forgotten in the front. She stuck her tongue out at me in celebration as they walked away. I sighed and decided I would go to the back to find Harry.
He was stood by the grill and didn't turn as I stepped outside. I noticed he was playing with Puppy who was further down in the yard, but started to run forward when he saw me. Harry thought he was just returning the toy that was in his mouth so he scooped him up before he could run past him. He immediately started to pull the toy from Puppy's mouth and started to make fake growling sounds at him. I held in an endeared giggle as I watched him play.
Puppy was still trying to get away from him though, which was beginning to confuse Harry. "What's going on, boy? Huh? What are you doing?" He began to speak to him and then Puppy barked suddenly, obviously getting frustrated with the roadblock Harry was creating. "Alright, alright." He put him down and he made a beeline straight for me. I giggled and knelt down to let him jump all over me and I pet him.
He jumped a bit, not expecting to see or hear me behind him. "Savannah, hey." They way he said my name sent butterflies off in my stomach. He sounded slightly surprised that I actually did show up, like he had expected me to bail, but was just so happy that I didn't. I caught him look up and down at my outfit with widened eyes and we both blushed slightly. Harry cleared his throat, "How was your dad's?"
"It was good, yeah. We're being discussed in there." I told him quietly and pointed back inside.
He raised his eyebrows at me. I nodded, "We're a train wreck, apparently." I said lowly.
"Dunno if I'd say train wreck..." He murmured. I only shrugged in response. "Let's go break that up before it's too late." I nodded and followed him inside.
The second we stepped foot in the kitchen Nick and Grace pulled away from each other and closed their mouths tightly. "Very subtle you two." Harry chuckled. "I'm Harry, by the way." He leaned forward to place a kiss to her cheek.
She blushed as she introduced herself, "Grace. Nice to meet you."
"Food only needs another minute out there, how you going in here?" Harry addressed Nick.
"‘S all done." He responded proudly. Harry nodded and then went back out to the grill, I turned and watched him go and as I moved back to face Grace and Nick they were staring at me.
"I'm gonna regret introducing you two, aren't I?" I asked, although I was quite sure I already knew the answer. They both feigned offense and I could only roll my eyes.
---
Dinner was incredible. The food was absolutely delicious and Grace and Nick managed to behave for long enough and not bring up Harry and I. Things weren't awkward or tense between us, which I was thankful for, and both the boys seemed to be getting along wonderfully with Grace.
Nick was on his third or fourth glass of wine (both Harry and I abstained for the night) when he whined, "How early have I got to be up to bring you to the airport Tuesday?"
"Flight's for ‘bout three." Harry said as he shot his friend a look of sympathy.
"Where are you going?" Grace asked from across the table, voicing the question that was on my mind.
"LA." Harry responded. My head turned to look at him, we were sat on one side of the table while new best friends, Nick and Grace, sat on the other.
"I thought you weren't meant to go back for a couple of weeks?" I inquired, recalling the conversation we had not too long ago.
"Uh, it's a bit of a punishment of sorts from management for the, uh, pap incident." He coughed. "They figured I'll do more good down there."
My mouth opened to an "o" shape. "How long are you going for?"
"Not positive yet. Most likely about two weeks." He told me, not sounding thrilled about the trip. My heart got a strange ache in it at the mention of him being away. I knew it seemed ridiculous, we hadn't even known each other that long, it was just...since we had known each other we spent a fair amount of time together.
Nick's phone rang then and he scurried off to the kitchen to answer it. He came back in looking positively elated. "Alexa, Pixie, Aimee, and shit are coming over! Pixie sounded smashed and I couldn't really make out what club they're coming from so I don't know how long they'll be." Nick shrugged and immediately sat down and began to give a more than eager Grace the rundown on all of his and Harry's friends.
I, however, was sat frozen in my seat. I looked down at my plate and began to quietly pick at the foot that was left on it. I'm sure Nick's friends were nice, just like him, but I hadn't mentally prepared myself for them. I was ready for a night in with three people I had grown to be more than comfortable with, not drunk, surely loud, strangers.
Suddenly I felt a hand come to rest under my elbow, as to get my attention. "Want me to bring you home?" Harry whispered as he leaned closer so I could hear him. I shouldn't have been surprised at all that Harry noticed my discomfort, but I was. I looked over at Grace and saw how excited she was to meet the new people and turned back to Harry to shake my head.
"I'm sure she wouldn't mind..."
"I know she wouldn't, but it's okay. I want to stay." I said, thinking if I said it out loud I'd feel more sure of it. (I didn't.)
It was only about ten more minutes of our peaceful dinner before the bell rang. As Nick got up to answer it, Grace did turn to me to ask if I was okay with staying, which I appreciated. I told her, sounding more confident than when I told Harry, that I was fine.
Harry had gone to greet them all at the door and he made his way back before the group, taking his seat right next to me again. Although this time he did shift his chair to be closer to mine. An argument could be made that he did so so there would be more room at the table for the guests, but I was more certain he was trying to comfort me.
They came around the corner laughing loudly, very clearly having been out drinking. Nick ran through the introductions for Grace and I and everyone was more than friendly. It was just that they were so loud and very in your face. I was spinning my rings furiously as I clasped my hands together under the table and suddenly I felt my hands being pulled apart and long fingers were woven through my own.
I looked over to Harry and his face was a mask of indifference. He continued to look at the girl at the end of the table who was speaking. You wouldn't have known what he was doing unless you lifted the tablecloth to reveal our intertwined hands. As I stared at him though he gave my hand a squeeze in recognition. I squeezed it back and watched as his mask cracked and he smiled slightly.
I could feel my heart rate decreasing at Harry's touch, but I was still on edge, I desperately felt the need to turn my rings. I attempted to do so while Harry held my hand, but he moved his fingers over mine to halt my movements. I released a frustrated breath, but then was surprised when I felt his thumb move over mine and begin to slowly turn the ring there. And my heart rate was back up, but now for a completely different reason.
I looked around at the table to see if anyone seemed to notice my peculiar behavior, but everyone was immersed in conversation. All I could seem to notice now though was the unfamiliarity of the faces around me. I tried to focus solely on the warmth of Harry's hand and the movement of my ring. I felt Harry shift in his seat and could suddenly feel the warmth from him right next to me.
"You're okay." He told me. I closed my eyes for a second and nodded.
I stayed at the table for a bit longer, but started to get extremely frustrated with myself when I wasn't feeling any more at ease with the people around me. I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to be able to meet a new group of people and be okay with it instantly. But instead I was like this, uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling like it was too tight on my body. I knew Harry could sense that I was still anxious because he hadn't stopped turning my ring for me.
I felt him give my hand a slight tug and he stood, announcing that he was going to the kitchen to get more drinks. "Mind helping, Savannah?"
I nodded and quickly stood to go to the kitchen. The second I was down the hall and through the threshold I took in, what felt like, my first real breath since they arrived.
"You alright?" Harry asked, concerned.
"Fine," I huffed out.
Harry shuffled forward a bit, but was hesitant with his movements. "Can I...?" He reached for me slowly.
I nodded, wanting nothing more than to feel his embrace, if I was being honest. He let out a breath of relief and wrapped his long arms around me. "Sorry about all that."
"'S okay, not your fault." I pushed my face into his shoulder a little and felt him shrug and then he pulled away.
He stared into my eyes for a moment before reaching and brushing a piece of hair out of my face and behind my ear. "You promise you're okay?"
"Yeah, just, you know, feeling anxious is all. Nothing like last time." I mumbled, still annoyed at myself.
"It's okay." He said quietly. "Wanna get out of here now? We can go and talk." He suggested.
I pouted for a second, I wanted to be able to sit through a bloody dinner with people and really be okay. I nodded though.
"Come on then."
We left the kitchen and I said goodbye to Nick and Grace, who both wished me good luck. I gave a quick wave and small 'nice to meet you' to all Nick's friends and we left. Me and Harry settled on going to mine, silently figuring I'd be more at ease there.
When we got inside Gizmo jumped and slobbered all over Harry which I decided to take as a good omen.
"You really feeling okay?" He questioned as we sat down on opposite ends of the couch.
"Really, really." I assured him. He looked nervous and I realized I had no idea how to start this conversation.
"Okay, so I'm gonna start by apologizing for the other night. I really can't even imagine how annoying I was to deal with and just...I'm sorry." I sighed in relief that he decided to start us off.
"It's alright."
"And things I said to you...that wasn't how I wanted to have that conversation." He cleared his throat, seeming embarrassed. "Well I didn't really want to have it at all, but apparently drunk me had other ideas." He attempted to joke as he pulled at his bottom lip.
"You said a lot of...things, Harry." Before I could even attempt to elaborate on that he cut me off.
"I know, I know! And I'm willing to talk about it with you, if you'd like." He told me sincerely.
"You don't have to tell me everything tonight," I told him. I didn't want to force any part of our relationship. If he only wanted to tell me the basics tonight then I was more than okay with that. "I guess I was sort of wondering, like, where did all that come from? Have you always thought all that?" I found myself diving right in to question him.
Harry then went on to tell me the details of his relationship with a girl named Emma. How they were together for a bit, but she couldn't stand the fans and all that came with his fame. Then he confessed to me all the terrible things she said to him when she ended things and how it was basically just harsher, but more truthful (according to him,) versions of what he'd heard from numerous girls before her. He told me how while she told him all these things she wasn't yelling or angry, she was calm, yet tearful. And that's that how he knew it must all be true. She didn't say it maliciously, more like she was warning him, so he wouldn't make the mistake of being in another relationship and risk hurting both parties.
I was speechless. The way he said it all was so casual like it was facts, like he was telling me the stats of a football game. He finished speaking and I was silent for a moment, collecting my thoughts. I knew I had to be delicate with the way I went about this. He wouldn't just believe what I was saying if I just started spouting off about how wrong she was. I was sure he'd heard that after speaking to Gemma and Zayn.
I moved down the couch to be sat right against him. He was leaned forward and had his arms resting on his legs, but as I bent a leg up on the couch I reached through and took a hold of his hand closest to me. I reached with my other hand and lightly touched the side of his face so that he'd turn to look at me. I left it there, gently pressing against his cheek.
"Listen to what I'm going to say, okay? It's not going to be easy and your head is going to be fighting with all it has to tell you I'm lying, but I'm not." He nodded. "If I've ever met someone worthy of love and happiness, Harry Styles, it's you." Right away he closed his eyes so I gave his hand a squeeze to remind him to keep listening. "What she said to you is not true and no one deserves to be told those things. You're one of the most amazing, beautiful people I've ever met and I feel so lucky to know you and be apart of your life." He pressed his cheek into the palm of my hand and squeezed his eyes just a little bit tighter. I knew he was hearing the voices, the ones telling him he wasn't really good and that I wasn't being truthful. So I leaned my head forward and rested my forehead against his. "So lucky," I spoke barely at a whisper.
My heart was hammering in my chest from being this close to Harry, but it felt okay because I knew he needed it. And in that moment all I wanted was for him to be okay, for him to hurt less. I moved my hand back from where it rested on his cheek to the nape of his neck where his curls lay. I began to gently brush through them with my fingers and I felt his breath tickle my face as he let out air from his nose.
"Savannah," he sighed and opened his eyes.
"Yeah?"
"I like you...very much." He whispered.
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "Me too." With a small smile he closed his eyes again and we sat like that for a moment. He pulled away slowly and sat up, running a hand through his hair.
"I don't wanna muck anything up, Savannah. Because even if Emma was maybe wrong about other things...being apart of my life is hard. I'm not saying we need to jump into an exclusive, serious relationship and have a press conference to announce it to the world, that's actually the opposite of what I want. I just want to...ease into this with you. But fans will probably start to notice and they'll get suspicious and that usually leads to them being nasty."
"What would they notice?" I asked softly.
"Hmmm," he pretended to think playfully. "Maybe some more instagram posts or tweets that are obviously about another person or me just being generally happier. A photo of us holding hands somewhere if we're feeling cheeky." I giggled quietly despite the fact that I was feeling like I could pass out.
"I'm scared." I finally confided in him. I could see his face fall slightly, but he tried to conceal it.
"No one needs to know. This could be...under wraps for as long as you need." He offered, but I shook my head.
"I'm not scared I can't handle it, I'm scared you won't want to deal with me. It's like...I feel like I can do this, Harry, but I can't promise I won't have any, like, setbacks. My anxiety can be really unpredictable and it's frustrating to deal with, I'm just afraid thatyou'll get frustrated too. Which would be understandable! Because it's proper annoying, it really is." I could feel myself starting to ramble. "I guess I'm just afraid I'm not worth it either..." I confessed, realizing that our fears hadn't been very different all along.
"Savannah," he shook his head, "I'd never be annoyed with you for that. You can't control it, I prom-"
"No, no, you can't promise! Because you don't know. You don't know how annoying it'd be if we were at dinner with your friends who you haven't seen in a while and suddenly I have to leave. Or you wanna go out somewhere, but I just can't deal with the paps."
"I will never hold it against you, Savannah." He said sternly as he grazed both hands down my arms.
"And it's not because I wouldn't be trying. I am so willing to try my hardest for you, Harry, because you're worth it." I continued on. "I know you are and that's why I want to try this, but you just have to bear with me, hey? Because if I get all doubt-y and weird, it's all me and not anything to do with you."
He nodded furiously. "You may have to bear with me a bit too."
"Sounds fair." I smiled shyly. "So we're easing into this?"
"Officially easing." He said and I nodded once. "So....what are you doing on Monday?" He asked as we both beamed at each other.