6 months later
The loudness of screams and roars of the crowd we've had tonight was nothing compared to the deafening noise I have inside my head. I'm trying as much as I could to fight it by trying to keep myself busy with music and stuff. But when the night time comes and I am back to being alone, the fight gets harder and I couldn't do anything to contain my emotions.
I honestly never thought I would be able to perform again. 5 Seconds of Summer was chosen to perform at an award show tonight here in Los Angeles and we were still lucky enough to have done it even without new music or anything for almost a year now. With all that has happened, the past six months have been really rough and I never thought I would still be able to survive everything. But who am I to give up? She's been in there for god knows how long, fighting for her life with all of her might and still hasn't given up her own battle. Even with that condition, she's still and will always be that one person that will serve as my one light especially at times where I feel like darkness has taken up all of me.
Letting out a deep sigh, I stood up and walked to my kitchen, grabbing a cold bottle of beer on the fridge. I know I was already told that drinking would not help me get better at all after being diagnosed with depression four months ago. But at times like this, when everything seems to bottle up again and I feel like I have no one else to run up to, this has been my only escape— the habit I can't seem to just get rid of.
I sat down on my recliner chair with a bottle of beer in my right hand a cigarette on the other. Being almost fifty meters high up in this building, I made sure that I would have the best view of the city night lights. I was then brought by my own thoughts back to the days where everything wasn't complicated as it is right now and life was just as simple as I have always wanted it to be. Taking a chug down on my cold beer, I remember being that seventeen year old boy with all of who I am right now were just dust of dreams in the palms of my hands. I remember waking up at six in the morning for school and complain shit about home works when all I ever did in class was stare outside the window. I remember all the I times I made a mess inside the cafeteria, the times I ditched classes to write songs, the unnecessary noises I made during classes, all the books that I didn't even use and the pens that mysteriously appeared and disappeared inside my bag. Those were all shitty memories but have always been worth remembering to me.
But mostly, I can still remember the day when I didn't even know that I would meet the person who would change my entirety. It's ridiculous to think that I could forget the lyrics to my own song and my car keys inside my flat but not the every details of her face and even the sound of her laugh. I remember how her eyebrows would furrow every single time she would disagree in anything I say. I remember how her eyes would lit up at the sight of coffee, how she would stop her lips from smiling whenever I tell her she's beautiful and how her tiny little hands can warm me up for a second. I felt as if life has been so fucking cruel to me that in even in my dreams, I would see her and her everything. I miss her so much that it's starting to even hurt me physically. There's not a minute that I couldn't get her out of my head. Memories of her and me will always come through and it will always begin with how happy she made me until it would come crashing down to my last and latest memory of her, almost lifeless and helpless.
There's not a day that I don't blame myself about everything that happened. To her, to me, to us. Maybe if I wasn't so fucked up and so caught up with everything, we would be together right now. Maybe if I only loved her right even from the beginning, none of us would be suffering right now. And maybe if I didn't let her slip away from me again that time, none of these things would have happened. I keep telling myself that if only I could only turn back the time, I would. But I couldn't. I couldn't even do anything to wake her up. I couldn't help feeling nothing but a useless piece of shit no matter how much I try to get better.
*
My phone rang nonstop, waking me up in complete shock. I had to compose myself for a while for I didn't even notice that I feel asleep after crying and drinking too much. My head is throbbing and I feel like throwing up but I still made my way to where my phone was even though I really don't give a single shit who could it be. Rubbing my eyes, I grabbed my phone and my entire body felt like crashing when Kristen's father's name appears to be the one who's calling me at past three in the morning.
I have become to be anxious when it comes to answering his phone calls. I know that I told him to always call me to let me know whatever is happening. Of course I wanted him to update me from time to time about Kristen. But with the situation given, with me being half-drunk and him calling me at this hour, I couldn't help the sudden waves of anxieties. But even with an anxious mind, I gathered myself and answered the phone call.
"Hello?"
Faint sounds could be heard in the background. I can hear maybe around five to six people talking a bit loud and someone crying. That made me fall to my knees.
"Hello?" I said, my voice shaking but a bit louder this time.
"Calum?" Joe finally talked, his voice breaking a little bit.
I closed my eyes.
"Calum!" He said again, finally breaking into sobs.
My chest tightened.
"Kristen's awake! She's finally awake!"
My eyes shot up quickly and my heart started beating faster that I could almost hear it pounding. I bit my lip so hard that I could almost taste the blood coming out of it. I don't exactly know how I would react. I feel as if I'm going to faint, my heart is going to fall out of my ass and I feel as if my head is going to explode. I held the phone tightly as much as I could and told Joe that I would be back in Sydney right away. I almost screamed every single thing I said to him on the phone for I couldn't contain my emotions anymore. Tears started streaming down my face as I started packing some stuff I needed to bring. Despite the throbbing headache, I guess it's about time to say that I am going back home.
I am finally going back home.
*
The flight I had from LAX down to Sydney seemed to be the longest flight I've had in my entire life. I didn't get much sleep on the plane. I was at that point where I was so scared to even blink because I don't want to wake up if all of this is just a dream. I know I needed to calm myself down but it was getting hard to do so. I couldn't wait to see her anymore.
I tried my best to remain composed, patient and calm when I took the taxi to take me to the hospital. I didn't waste anytime at all so I rushed out of the airport and rode a taxi without even minding if there were enough people who took pictures of me at the airport.
To say that I was happy was an understatement. Over the past few months, I have longed for her touched, her gazes and her smile. And now, even though there were other people inside the room, my eyes are all focused on nothing and no one but just her. I stood at the far side of her bed, the side where she wouldn't be able to see me yet. I contained myself from kissing her even though I've been dying to do that for months. I rested my back at cold wall, crossed my arms and observe every little detail I haven't seen for so long.
Her natural dirty blonde hair grew longer the way it used to be when we were in highschool. She's wearing the exact gray sweater I left in here for her; the ones that used to be mine. Her smiles are pure and still that one she owns that stole my heart. Her eyes are full of emotions: innocence, excitement, worry, wonder and probably thousands of questions about everything that happened for the past months that she wasn't around. She gave her dad worried a smile— a smile that looked a bit unfamiliar to me. She began massaging her temples that made Sandra call for her doctors again. She looked at her, worry and wonder evident in her weary eyes. She mumbled something to her dad, making him look slowly to me. My presence is finally acknowledged.
The moment our eyes met, I didn't exactly know how would I describe everything that was going on inside of me. I wanted to jump, cry, scream, laugh and punch myself on the face. I could almost hear her saying, "if you could only see your face right now" because I know, I couldn't stop myself from smiling. I could almost hear her laugh and she would call me names for acting stupid for missing her this fucking much but she couldn't blame me. Because I do. I do fucking miss her and she could laugh and make fun of me as much as she could, because that would only mean that she's here, she's alive and there's nothing better than that at all.
But as I get closer to where she is, the tension started building up. I couldn't break our gaze for I couldn't decipher what she was thinking even though I try so hard to. She's smiling at me but it looked different and unfamiliar for her eyes seemed to be filled with questions that I don't even know how to answer. My heart started beating faster but I tried as much as I could to remain calm, even if it's getting hard to do so.
"Hey," I said with a shaking voice, trying my best not to break down at any moment.
"You're awake. You're finally awake."
I slowly reached out to caress her face and feel her skin in the palm of my hand. I held her hand a bit tight, wishing that I didn't let out the three little words slip out of my mouth for I wouldn't know how would I react after hearing her say,
"Who are you?"
----
OH MY GOD.
Yes, I know! It took me ages to finally post an update! I'm sorry! Things have been really rough and life has been a roller coaster ride for me but hey, here's an update! I told you I'll be back. A promise is a promise!
Kristen's finally awake! But let us all cry! I cried writing this chapter because (1) I missed writing for Fading so much (2) PMS and (3) BITCH ya boy hasn't seen you for months and you're going to ask who he is I AM DEADT