A/N: Yes, I know I owe updates on my other fics. However...this one is super, super close to 100,000 reads, and I couldn't help but do an extra surprise update to hope that this helps us get there! I'll do a whole mushy letter once we actually do, but oh my god, y'all. One hundred THOUSAND READS? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Y'ALL LIKE MY SHITTY WRITING THAT MUCH? Wow. I love you. You're incredible. We stan. Okay, on with the chapter!
TW: mentions of eating disorders. Be safe, babies!
- - -
"Justin?" Niall asks sleepily, blinking himself awake. Movement in the bed is what woke him up.
"Shh, angel. Go back to sleep," Justin says gently, smoothing his hair down. "Didn't mean to wake you up. It's way too early for you to be awake."
"What are you doing up then?" Niall rolls over to check the clock and is astonished to see its 4:25am. "Jay?" he adds when Justin doesn't respond right away.
Justin lets out a shaky sigh. "I couldn't sleep, I was just going to try calling Zayn's phone again. Don't mind me, angel. Go back to sleep, really."
"No," Niall says. "Not unless you do, too."
Justin sighs and sits back down on the bed. Niall inches closer, leans his cheek against Justin's back. "Baby, when I'm anxious like this, I'm lucky if I get two or three hours of sleep. Now, you go back to sleep, okay? I'm gonna call him quick and then I'll come back to cuddle with you."
Niall lets him go, watching after one of the men he loves with worried eyes. Worry for both of them is so heavy it makes his stomach hurt, but he curls up under the blankets and squeezes his eyes shut. He can hear Justin pacing in the hallway, his voice, low and shaky on the phone. Niall's stomach clenches harder.
"Hey, Zee...I..." A shaky inhale. "Fuck. Come home, okay? I can't — I can't fucking breathe without you here, okay? I can't fucking handle myself. I'm trying to keep it together because Niall is here, and he's scared, too, but...but I'm having a really, really hard time. I can barely sleep. So, just...just come home, you stupid fuck. Okay?" Another shaky breath, more of a wheeze. "I love you, Zayn. Come back home to us."
Niall isn't sure when his stomach shot past pain and straight into nausea, but then he's scrambling over the bed into the bathroom, heaving over the toilet.
"Shit," Justin's voice says, and Niall is startled because he hadn't even heard him come into the bathroom. He hands Niall a towel to wipe his face, and Niall just kneels there, tears in his eyes, biting his lip to keep them from running down his cheeks. "Hey, baby. It's okay. It's completely okay," Justin coos, and he sits on the floor after flushing the toilet, pulling Niall into his lap. He doesn't care about how hard Niall is shaking, or the bit of vomit on his shirt, he just cradles him in his lap.
"Sorry," Niall hiccups, and somehow, that word breaks the dam. He bursts into tears, and then Justin is crying, too, just two soft boys having a panic attack on the bathroom floor. Justin is crying so hard his sobs jostle Niall's head resting on his chest. Niall's sobs are softer, but he's still burying his face in Justin's neck.
"Okay. Okay," Justin says carefully as the sobs soften in his chest. Niall is still trembling, hands pressed forcefully against his eyes. "Okay, look at me, Niall. I've got you, sweet boy." Niall forces himself to uncover his face, and Justin gently thumbs his tears away.
"Sorry," Niall says again.
"Hey, no, nothing to be sorry for, love. It's a stressful situation. Plus, I just lost it just as bad as you, huh?"
"But I threw up."
"No big deal. Everyone throws up. I threw up on my third date with Zee. Food poisoning. And he fucking married me. So you've got nothing to worry about." Niall cracks a half-smile. "Besides, what's more intimate than having a full-on panic attack in front of your partner, huh? I'm more in love with you than ever after that." Niall finally laughs, and Justin grins, too.
Niall gets up and brushes his teeth and changes his shirt, and then he crawls back into bed with Justin. The panic attack wiped everything out of him, and he's aware only of Justin wrapping an arm around him before he's out like a light.
- - -
When Niall wakes up a few hours later, Justin is halfway through a Stephen King novel.
"You didn't go back to sleep?" Niall asks, sounding worried.
"Nah. That's normal for me, too. My mind is too wound up after panic attacks for me to really do anything but distract myself."
"I just crash," Niall says back. "I'm too zapped to function. What time is it?"
"Almost noon. Wanna leave the house this morning? I'm getting a bit of cabin fever."
Niall nods. He pulls on a pair of jeans and messily tucks in Justin's t-shirt he's wearing, slaps a beanie on his head. "Is there any particular place you wanna go?"
"Not really. We can just take Falcon for a walk, yeah?"
Not much later, they're walking down the street, hand-in-hand. Falcon runs ahead of them on his leash, Niall having to pull him back every once in a while.
"You know what I want for breakfast?" Justin asks.
"What?"
"An ice cream sandwich."
Niall laughs. "That's not breakfast!"
"It is when you had a 4:30am panic attack. You in?" Justin is grinning in that way that makes Niall's stomach flip.
"Zayn would hate this."
"Zayn's not here." Justin doesn't sound happy about it. They go into the ice cream shop anyway, and they split a cake batter ice cream sandwich.
"This is the best idea you've ever had," Niall grins at Justin. He has ice cream on his nose.
"And to think Zayn tries to stop me from doing shit like this," Justin says, grinning back. They share a kiss, and Justin leaves two on his forehead and one of the top of his head before they leave the shop.
"Justin? How did you and Zayn meet?" Niall asks. Nearly four months together and he still hasn't asked that question.
"College," Justin answers. "We were in the same business class. I nearly failed the class so he'd tutor me."
Niall laughs. "I want the full story!"
"Yeah? Alright, if you want." Justin is smiling, though. "He sat in the front row of the classroom. Fuckin' teacher's pet. He was smart as hell and just as hot, and literally everyone had a crush on him. I somehow got the courage to ask him to help me out, and he was all, 'Sure, dude, I'd be happy to.' So he came over to my apartment and I cooked, and we didn't discuss a single class-related thing. We just talked about life, and we really hit it off, I guess."
"Did you ask him out?"
"Nah, he asked me, actually. I didn't even know he liked me like that. We'd been hanging out for a few weeks, him tutoring me, and we were in the library. I'll never forget it. I was memorizing something, and sometimes when I'm really focused, I'll, like, chew on my lip. I don't even realize I'm doing it. He just reached over and pulled my lip out from in between my teeth. I think I stopped breathing. Then he just went, 'Wanna go out to dinner with me sometime?'"
"What did you say?"
"I said, 'Like, after this? Like we normally do?' because I was a dumbass and didn't realize he was hitting on me. Then he grinned at me and went, 'No, like a date,' and I think I stared at him blankly and then nodded like an idiot."
"Where did he take you?"
Justin chuckles. "Dave and Buster's. I kicked his ass at Dance Dance Revolution. If he tells you anything different, he's lying."
Niall is laughing. "I love you guys."
"We love you, too."
"You know..." Niall swallows nervously. "I don't like that Zayn is gone, and especially not like this, but...it's been really nice to have some alone time with you. You're a big dork, and you're really goofy, but I'm really in love with you. I'm really in love with Zayn, too, of course, but...I just feel really aware of how much I love you when it's just us two."
"Did you just say I'm goofy?"
"Seriously? That's all you took from that!?"
Justin laughs. "No, I'm just being an asshole. I know exactly what you mean, sweetheart. I feel the same way. I don't want Zayn gone either, but it has been nice spending time with you."
- - -
Later on in the afternoon, Justin falls asleep on the couch during an episode of Queer Eye, and Niall gets up to do the dishes waiting in the sink. As he fills the sink with water and soap, he hears a key in the lock, and his heart leaps into his throat as Zayn makes his way into the kitchen, looking tired and thin.
"Zee," Niall gasps, soap on his hands. He doesn't even feel himself move, just the next thing he knows, he's curled up in Zayn's lap, arms around his neck. He's pressing kisses to Zayn's face frantically and then pulls back just to look at him. "Are you okay?"
Zayn just leans his forehead against Niall's. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Niall closes his eyes, and Zayn kisses his forehead. "Justin is gonna kill you."
"I figured as much. Where is he?"
"Asleep on the couch. He hasn't really slept since you left."
Zayn gets up from the chair with a wince, makes his way into the living room. He taps Justin on the elbow, and it takes Justin a minute before he realizes Zayn is home and safe.
"You fucking bitch," he hisses at his husband before standing up to look at Zayn, really look at him. "You're an asshole, you know that?"
Zayn is smiling. "I love you, too."
"God, I should be fucking screaming at you. You can't just — you can't just leave without telling us! The two people with severe anxiety disorders! I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Without a fucking word, Zayn? You fucking dick! You know I can't handle shit like that, the only thing keeping me from having a full-on breakdown is the fact that I'm trying to keep our boyfriend from having one, too! And — and — and —" Justin's face crumples, and he bites his lip hard to keep from crying. "I have some choice words for Liam, too!"
"Are you done?" Zayn asks, genuinely, without any condescension.
"No," Justin sniffles, and Zayn nods. "You're grounded."
"I'm grounded?" Zayn repeats, smiling just a little.
"Don't fucking smile like that! Yes, you're grounded. No Mario Kart or laser tag or anything until you quit being a dick."
"That sounds like more of a punishment for you than me," Zayn points out.
"You being gone was enough of a punishment for me," Justin says, more quietly. Tears are brimming in his eyes again.
"Are you done?" Zayn asks again, still without condescension.
"Just hug me, you shit," Justin laughs, crying now, and he buries his face in Zayn's neck when Zayn finally does.
"I'm sorry I had you so scared," Zayn murmurs, gesturing for Niall to come over and join their hug. "But everything is taken care of. We're gonna be all right now." He kisses both of their foreheads. "I'm beat, I'm gonna get some sleep."
"Don't you wanna eat or something?" Justin asks.
"No, I'm just tired," Zayn answers, making his way off to the bedroom.
"I'm gonna check on Liam," Niall tells Justin, who's watching Zayn leave with a worried expression on his face. "Keep me posted on how Zee is, okay?"
"Okay, baby. Do you want me to drive?"
"No, stay with him. I'll take an Uber. I'll see you soon." Niall hugs his boyfriend goodbye, but he can't shake the feeling in his stomach that something is wrong.
- - -
"You big bag of dicks," Niall calls into the apartment as he makes his way up the steps to see Liam on the couch watching the Food Network.
"Hey to you, too," Liam says back, as if he hasn't been missing for the past couple of days.
"Don't you 'hey' me, asshole. Where the fuck have you and Zayn been?" Niall demands before dumping himself into Liam's lap.
"You know I won't tell you that." Liam ruffles Niall's hair affectionately. "Can't you just be glad I'm home?"
"I am, of course, but..." Niall cuts himself off. He has no evidence to prove that anything is actually wrong, but the tension in his stomach is growing worse.
"But nothing," Liam says, able to see the anxiety on Niall's face. "We're home safe, and so are you. All that matters, bud." Liam kisses the side of Niall's head affectionately, and Niall just lays his head against Liam's chest and tries to convince himself that everything is okay.