My phone is about to die and I likely won't be able to charge it for a while so I am uploading your review now. I am trusting you to complete the payment by tomorrow, preferably today, so please don't make me regret that decision.
Before I start, I probably should've mentioned this in the introduction chapters but I just decided to add this to the review: In addition to rating and discussing each of the aspects I laid out earlier, I will also be doing an in-depth review of the first half of the requested chapters and an overview of the second half. This is will be applied for all future reviews including this one.
Disclaimer: Believe it or not, the main purpose of this review book is to help you become a better writer. I may come off as harsh- oh who am I kidding, I will come off as harsh, but just know this is all for your benefit and don't take it personally. I'm actually a relatively nice person, occasionally, and will gladly accept any and all questions you have concerning your review. Now let's yeet on over to the review.
Title: The Faye Inside Me
Author: @IrishAssassyn
Cover/Summary: I'm currently having technical difficulties but I'll update this with them as soon as possible.
On Point Title: 3/5
Your title was okay. It's interesting enough, but not something super enticing. Also, isn't "Faye" supposed to be spelled as "Fae"?
Lit Cover: 2/5
I liked the thin designs behind the girl, since the sort of neon-ish light glow they gave off was nice. But the silhouette of girl covering them doesn't make it stand out, which is a shame since they were the best part. Your cover is kinda dark and doesn't stand out. It's not something I'd see and want to check out.
Bomb SPAG: 8/15
Eesh. This was your weakest spot. You have way too many fragmented sentences and some run-ons. A lot of times I had to go back and re-read something more than once to understand it. Your wording is confusing and you place commas where they're not needed, but also don't put them where they need to be. One instance is in dialogue when you refer to someone. You have to have commas around the name in dialogue. For example, it should look like this: "How are you doing today, Allison?"
Another thing is the times when your characters have thoughts. Whenever your character thinks something, it has to be in italics. There are also instances of capitalization in the middle of sentences and other places where it should be lowercased. There are also many misspellings. I recommend an editor and the app Grammarly, which is free.
Fire Plot: 13/20
Your plot is actually quite intriguing, or at least, what I gleaned through the confusing sentences and plot holes. The Council that Nova seems to have a connection to is interesting, but the problem is I don't understand why. Nova's discovery of the magical aspect of her world is interesting, but I don't understand how she found out. The auction that Nova ended up at is interesting, but I don't understand how it works with the kidnappers and what happens to creatures that are auctioned off. You have so many interesting aspects in your story, but the plot holes and inconsistencies make it hard to connect, to fully immerse in the story. That and your pacing is off. Sometimes is drags, but it mostly goes too fast, especially in the later chapters. I don't have time to think about the problem and the scene and to actually be eager about what was going to happen because one minute it's one scene she's telling the pair she's with to run, the next she's in an auction. A way to fix your pacing would be to add in more descriptions. It's already hard to visualize the scene we're reading, so if you add in imagery and more of Nova's thoughts instead of just her actions, it'll help smooth out the pacing.
Yass Characters: 7/20
This was another really weak spot. I don't know anything about your characters. All I know about Nova is that she's a Dark Faye and knows a lot about the supernatural realm. I guess she's a little stubborn based on the fact she won't listen to Arlen later on, but that's about it. The only thing I've got about Arlen is that he's also a Faye but I don't know if he's Dark or not, and that he doesn't like the Council, and I think he's a prince but that's not clear. Ten chapters in and I don't even know what they look like, other than what I think Arlen described Nova's eyes as blue and golden brown I think, but nothing stands out about either of them . If you wrote a sentence of dialogue without the tag, I wouldn't know who was speaking. Arlen and Nova are the two main characters with their own POVs but I can't tell them apart from a sipping dish rag.
One of the most important aspects of a story is the characters. They are the voice of your story and bringing them to life allows your story to come to life. Give them personalities: strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, positive and negative traits. You can model your characters after people irl to be like them or you can take bits and pieces from people you know and mix them into your character. The most successful books have relatable characters that appeal to the readers. Take Marissa Meyer, a godsend of an author. One of the biggest reasons The Lunar Chronicles was a massive hit and blew up was because of her characters. As much as I love her, Marissa Meyer is not a good writer, per say, but her characters come alive. Cinder's sarcasm is relatable, Scarlet's fire sparks off the pages, Thorne's charm is swoon-worthy, Cress's innocence is adorable, Iko's sass is hilarious, etc. Every single one of her characters are memorable and that's what makes her books great.
Enjoyment: 6/10
I really wanted to like your story. Certain moments had descriptions that were great, like when Nova's wings sprung out in the prologue or when she described them in ch1. Moments like that were the pinnacle of your writing. If you wrote the whole thing like that, it'd be a major improvement. The idea was great, but the delivery wasn't. I can tell that there's a great concept, but I can't tell where it's heading. Another major issue is that I can't visualize anything. With every scene, I don't know where they are. Is the sky clear? Are there trees? Is it summer or winter? Things like these make the story come alive and immerse the reader.
Now, onto the chapters~
Prologue:
The prologue didn't really hook me in till the end. The first paragraph and most of the second is just a description of where she is and why people think curiosity is creepy. Then towards the middle/end it's mentioned that Faye and werewolves and all that ish are in the world, and I think the MC (Nova) didn't know about them cause she starts crying and feels betrayed.
Also she's got wings and all that good stuff that are like super painful when they come out, but I think it's the first time they do so that's why it hurts. The biggest problem story-wise I had with the prologue is how???? How did this ho find out she has wings?? How did this go discover all this ish?? How did this ho live her entire life as this winged creature but just lived her whole life like ayy imma human just like youu. And is she young at this point or is it just a few months before ch1 takes place.
It's good to leave the readers with questions but not to the point where I'm not sure where or when it's taking place and what I'm dealing with. Now, this isn't to say there wasn't anything good about the chapter. That last paragraph was enough to make me at least a little curious about da eff was goin on with this girl and the description of her wings freaking birthing from her was relatively solid.
Chapter 1:
So now Nova is under the closet but I'm not sure how or why. Why did you feel the need to go under you closet? And how did you get under there? Did you rip up the floorboards or just teleport beneath the ground. Also, there's a mention of channels leading up, but to where? Nothing is really explained much and it makes it hard to visualize. Also, Nova says hours of relentless pain was worth it for the wings, and I'm guessing she's referring to the prologue, but again, nothing is really clear. And the way Nova talks about her wings and the magic she's got (yea she can has powers but why? How? Since when? How where they uncovered?) makes it seem like she's had them for a while since she knows what she's doing.
The whole vibe of chapter one seems like it takes place in the same day as the prologue, but the prologue's vibe was that Nova was new to this and that's why the whole werewolves and other magicky things were so groundbreaking to her. But now Nova's all like yeet imma shadow leacher Faye and I can magic stuff and I know a bunch of terminology.
It's inconsistent and confusing. Also, that tidbit about her parents: even if your parents are the busiest ppl in the world and leave you with a bowl of guacamole as your guardian, I think they'll be at least a tad interested in the fact that you got some massive af wings and got these lit deception powers. And why is there a massive paragraph talking about this secret room that's as irrelevant as a splinter in a forest? Way too long is spent on a bookshelf and some filigree. If I want to read about some home decor I'll have my mother write a ten page rant on how she wants to fix my room.
Chapter 2:
Here we start out with this Alden boi's pov. Now apparently he's some prince cause the voices in his head told him so but he's all like nah I'm just one of the few ruling Faye pshhh that doesn't mean anything at all.
Shut up.
Anyways, there's this council and they meet up in the back of restaurant or smth, which seems pretty dumb, you know, cause they're a council of secret supernatural beings that normal humans aren't supposed to know about but nahh who needs to keep it on the down low pshh. Now this one guy talks to Arlen but this boi is like I think his name is August but idk, but then two minutes later he refers to him by a nickname.... BOI. If you can come up with a nickname for someone you damn well better get their real name down first.
Also, not once in this entire scene in Arlen's pov where he's a part of the council do we get any idea what this council does. Like, what's their purpose? Do they sit around hitting blunts all day? Do they play cards? Do they wallow in self despair and talk about their feelings? Do they write the script for Teen Wolf with the werewolves? WH AT DO THEY DO?
Arlen also detects Nova here and is like ERMERGERD there's a super special mark on her cheek (that Nova hasn't mentioned yet but apparently is super important) that means she can yeet her way to the high council. But again, WHY? HOW? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? And then a little werewolf is like ayy that's ma bish Nova, but I thought Nova was new to this whole magical being thingy in the prologue but apparently not AND MY BRAIN CANNOT COMPREHEND THESE INCONSISTENCIES.
Then we switch to Nova's POV but she's switched from that restaurant to the school without any background as to how she got there.
Now I have a question - is this an urban fantasy story? Cause we've got this girl goin to school and taking world economics, but no world-building whatsoever so I don't know if this girl is going to school in Seattle or on Pluto.
When Nova gets the note, one of the lines is " I don't want to do this, you know I do" or something like that. How does Nova know this guy on the level that she can tell his intentions despite the situation? And then it also says "...for old times sake" Have these two known each other for a while? It isn't told, even after the letter is done and signed, there's no Nova going smth like "he hasn't talked to me in x years," or smth like that to tell us that they've known each other before. It's all just really confusing.
Chapter 3:
Nova says she has distanced herself from the werewolves, but as always, I have the same question: WHY? Was Liam a werewolf? What did him contacting her have to do with the others werewolves watching her every move? What did they do? What do they want from her? The questions keep running through my mind, but not in a good way. Nova decides to ally herself with a pair of Maylans or something, and I think they're a species of werewolf but nothing is explained and it makes it hard to connect with the story.
Then while the three are walking in the park , Nova says that some species hunters came after some weak af supernaturals, and I think she's referring to them bc then they're getting kidnapped, but it's confusing at first. And Nova calls them "Dumb humans."... why are they dumb? Aren't you the dumb ones to allow yourselves to be captured? Oh and then there's this line "My airway was getting pretty constricted." pReTtY cOnStRiCtEd? How does your airway get pretty constricted? Are there levels of construction? I don't know bout y'all, but my airway has two modes: constricted and not constricted.
Nova faints thanks to her "pretty constricted" airway and ends up tied in a tree. She sees a water sprite that she knows and is for some reason connected to the werewolves but I'm not sure how. Nova says she knows her really well, but we're not even given a name for the sprite. I don't know bout y'all, but if I know ma ho well, imma know her name. Then Nova is injected with a poison that knocks her the eff out but she managed to find a way to not allow it to affect her.
Now, this scene was kinda cool with how she sorta outsmarted the kidnappers and all by using her powers, but what have made it better is if the author explained it more. How do her powers translate into a sort of immunity from poisons? How did she learn to do this? Adding these descriptions will make it all so much better and more compelling. But what was an unrealistic part was when the membrane of Nova's wings were literally cut through and had a metal rod shoved thru. But Nova here was all like oh someone shoved metal thru me. It's all good y'all. She should have been crying out in pain, or since she said she was supposed to be unconscious, at least making a forceful effort not to noticeably react, just something to show she's in pain and make it realistic.
Then Nova wakes up in an auction where she's being bid off. This part should've been full of tension about what would've happened and Nova should've been confused and at least a tad worried. But nope, she was all like aw shucks now I'm in an auction in a sexy black dress whoopsy daisy. Make. Her. R E A C T. Reactions make the character more realistic, easier to relate to and add emotion to a scene. And there isn't any setting. Where is Nova and this auction? Are they 20 leagues under the sea? Are they in the clouds? Are they in a shabby hut in the middle of space? Where u at bruh????
Also, the pacing was completely outta whack. She's in the park, no wait she's kidnapped, hold up now she's being mutilated, wait is she being sold off in god knows where? It was too fast and was a major factor in the confusion and lack of tension.
While this chapter had a little more action and I think began the plot a bit, I didn't feel any urgency. Your child (what I refer to as your character) is kidnapped and being bid off but tbh I was like... nice. You know why? Because I didn't have any attachment to Nova. I didn't really care what happened to her. Tbh, the thing I was most worried about were those wings of hers? Why? Because your description of the wings were nice and I could imagine them and I liked them. So while Mova could be sold off as a freakin murder technique practice dummy, I was thinking aw man y'all take care of her wings please, thanks.
Chapter 4:
As Nova's flying over to the werewolves place, once again I'm confuzzled. She slams into something and is cut by glass and gets a goddam arrow shot through her wing, not to mention the freaking piece of metal that was shoved into her wing and she's not even fazed. There's no mention of blood and barely anything of pain. Like is this girl just immune to pain? Can I slice off her arm and she'll just shrug and yeet on with her life?
Oh and after twenty miles, the metal in her wing becomes a little more than a nuisance. A nuisance. A nuisance?? You mean to tell me that for twenty miles, for 105,600 feet, for 1,267,200 inches, a foreign object that was cut into your freaking wing, into a freaking appendage of your body, was no more than a nuisance?? Unless being a Faye means you got extreme pain tolerance, I don't buy it.
Then when Nova falls because after miles of flying she finally falters, she says "The ground hurt was what I decided when I opened my eyes a few moments later. Not the fall, but the ground."
Huh?
I don't know bout y'all, but I've never heard about the ground itself being painful. Unless it's made of flaming hot coals and fanned with my fury, something's wrong. The fall is what sent you to the ground. The fall is what made you get hurt. Also you smacked into a window so that should leave a hint of an injury on a normal being.
Then our ho here blacks out and wakes up not once, not twice, but thrice. And when she finally manages to stop being a weakling and open her eyes, she finds herself in a normal room with a sorta hospital bed. Okay, now if we left it at this, that's make sense. Sure they didn't want her in a normal hospital so let's make her comfortable in a normal room. But nope. In the same room Nova is recovering in, there a goddam meeting going on. What??? Why are y'all having a meeting in the same room as a comatose butterfly??
Then Nova's like people? Time to yeet on outta here. And this ho literally tears out her medical wiring without a care and runs out.
So no one in that room of people is going to stop the girl who just ran out? If they took the time to give her medical attention, I'm guessing they'd have at least a sliver of concern for her. And why did Nova run out? She was okay with coming to them when she needed help but the second she sees someone she leaves? I don't know if she felt they posed a threat or what. If you don't like them, why would you go to them when you were extremely injured?
Then, after all they did for her to bring her back from the dead, she attacks a guard and steals from the hospital. And in the hospital, the second she opens the storage door she finds what she was looking for. How? Was there just a stand right in front of her that said "Nova's cure take one please"? Explain it. Are they on a shelf? What did they look like? How did she know which to grab?
After robbing the hospital Nova takes off and hides in a cave, where she already has supplies because for some reason she put them there. Why did she put them there? Was she planning on hitting up the cave instead of the werewolves? When did she do it? Did she put it there in case of an emergency?
Basically this chapter could've been interesting but the lack of clarity and inconsistencies make it fall flat.
Overview of Final 5:
Many of the issues in the second half were the same as the first half so I'll just hit on the main points.
1. Arlen's character inconsistencies: One minute this boi's like oh I hate the Council and don't want anything to do with it and the next he's like nah imma put myself in danger to help the Council. Pick one of the aspects of his character or give him a solid reason ~ch5. Also, he doesn't have any connection to Nova but seems to have a lot of concern for her while she's in a coma ~ch5. Yes, he says that he needs her for info, but his concern seems to go a lot farther than that since he says he doesn't want to leave her. You want to make a connection between them? Fine. But give them a reason. Ease into it. Don't smack me upside the head with it - I'm not a fan of hitting unless I'm the one making my enemies pay for their sins.
2. Why is Windy allowing Arlen to take part in the Faye kidnapping investigation when he finds him in the pack's territory after he specifically told Arlen that him and the Council wanted him safe? ~ch5. And then when Arlen goes into the first or whatever to look for Nova, even though they could've encountered the kidnappers again, Windy didn't have a problem with it despite his former concern for Arlen's safety ~ch6. Again with the flip-flopping. Also, and this is more towards Arlen, it's clear Arlen and Windy are pretty close friends so why was Arlen unsure of Windy's actual name?
3. Orbs. That's a no from me. Never, ever use "orbs" to describe eyes ~ch9. It's just...no. You will never find a quality published book using the word "orbs" in place of eyes, and if you do, I have a few choice words for that book's author. Say it out loud: even the sound of it is on the level of the word moist. The only semi-appropriate occasion to use even think of using that word is if you're talking bout a little crystal ball or something, and even then you should try finding another word. Just, never use "orbs" in place of eyes. Please, I'm begging you.
4. Aight this point is even more infuriating than the whole "orbs" debacle. What the hell was that thing where Arlen was freaking groping Nova?? ~ch9. How in hell would anyone think that would be a good idea to coerce someone into doing something? Sure he starts with just tickling her, though I don't see how that'd get her to release the spell. If anything, it'd just annoy her even more. Then he literally grabs her butt and slaps it multiple times and starts licking her ear. How on earth is that okay? If someone did that to me I would be horrified. He freaking lifts her shirt and drags her shorts down, even if it's a little, and he was "slipping my hands under her layers and directly against her skin." Thats sexual harassment. She barely knows him and never allowed him to do this. For God's sake, they hate each other. Imagine if the guy you despised came and started touching you. Would you be okay with it? Hell, forget someone you hate, if anyone just came up to you and did this, how would you react? He then drags her over and lays her over his lap and legit touches her boobs. I don't care if it was just the "underside" it's still her boobs.
At one point, Nova goes. "You perverted pig. I will not bend to you. Noppity nope nope." First off, her reaction is way too mellow for such a situation, and second of all, she says no, but he still continues. Oh and did I mention there are other werewolves there? Wtf? Arlen grabbed Nova and slapped her ass, pulled away her clothes, and grabbed her boobs. Some may think I'm overreacting, but honestly, especially nowadays, sexual harassment is globally known as an eff no, but there are still disgusting people who continue to do so. I've seen a group of 4 men stare at my 12 year old sister's ass and make comments, I've seen girls get groped and harassed on the subway. I don't care if Nova liked it even a little. Arlen took it upon himself to specialize Nova because he wanted her to do something and he had no right to. I don't care if this is just a bunch of words in a story, it's the mindset that pisses me off. Nova could have turned out to be horrified and revolted instead of her extremely minimal reaction, one of the other werewolves could be a perv and see Arlen act like that to Nova and think it was okay to act like that to Nova or another girl. Take that situation and put it in a real life scenario. Doesn't end well, does it? I'm not going to tell you to edit it or make Nova more lenient or Arlen gentler or anything. I'm going to tell you to cut it. Wipe out that scene entirely. Don't even think of keeping a single aspect in there. Keep the issue of Nova not releasing her spell, but don't even mention anything about Arlen acting like that.
Final Thoughts:
This story has potential. You have an intriguing concept but your delivery is weak. Your story is plagued by inconsistencies, confusing sentence structure, punctuation errors, extremely limited imagery, pacing blunders, and lack of explanations. Concerning the imagery, your story suffers from "white-room syndrome", meaning that your story is, essentially, a white room. I can't imagine the setting. I never know where the characters are. The main issues you've got are grammar, character development, and descriptions. If you fix these up, many of your other problems will be resolved.
FINAL VERDICT:
Score: 39/75
LORDY~
In all honesty, your story wasn't truly awful, but so many of those inconsistencies and grammar and just overall things that weren't explained enough to make me connect with the story tore you down. Maybe take a break from writing for a bit while you go through and edit your chapters. Get an editor and apply for more reviews so different perspectives can take a look and tell you what to fix. If you clean up your errors, you will have a really nice story.
Thank you for requesting and feel free to ask any questions. Please recommend this book to others and I hope you found it helpful!