Calum tried to get to sleep, but the thought of her being touched by some other guy was keeping him up. He couldn't get images of her cheeks and her lips and every part of her face and body being kissed by someone that wasn't him.
He hadn't really thought about it all that much today because Luke had been distracting him, but now in the silence of his room with nothing but darkness around him, he was left with his racing thoughts and it was making it impossible to sleep.
"Calum? I can hear you moving from my room" Michael sighed from the doorway.
"Sorry, I can't sleep"
"Is it Hayley?" Michael didn't even really need to ask. He already knew the answer. It was always Hayley.
"Yeah, you can go back to bed, I'll try to keep still"
"Move over" Michael said, walking towards Calum's bed in the dark. Calum was surprised at first, but when Michael pressed down on the mattress, he moved over slightly, kind of laying on Hayley's side while Michael slipped in next to him. "You're gonna be fine, alright?"
Calum just nodded, even though Michael wouldn't have been able to see it.
"She's probably in bed next to him right now"
"Hey, don't think about that. Don't even think about her being in your bed. Just picture her, sleeping alone with that stupid stuffed monkey of hers, and she's dreaming of you" Michael said tiredly, and it made Calum feel a little bit better. Better enough to have him finally dozing off. And he dreamt about her thinking of him because he almost knew that kind of thing only existed in his dreams now.
Calum woke up cuddling Michael, and he jumped slightly, retracting from the other boy's body which woke up Michael, too. But then he got comfortable again, because it wasn't the first time he had cuddled with Michael, and carefully got out of bed. He couldn't sit in his room for any longer.
"How are you feeling?" Luke asked as soon as Calum walked into the kitchen, and Calum just shrugged because he really didn't know.
"Is Ashton home?" Calum asked, grabbing the orange juice from the fridge and then grabbing a glass.
"Uh, no. He didn't come home last night" Luke said quietly.
"Right, so he slept at Hayley's. He went all the way to Hayley's" Calum wasn't really sure where Hayley had moved to, she never told him when she left, but he knew it had to be fairly far away. He felt extremely jealous because of the fact that Ashton had now seen her house and he hadn't.
"You don't know that" Luke sighed and Calum just rose his eyebrows at him, taking a sip of orange juice.
"Oh, so he just slept out on the street, then?" Just as Calum said this, Ashton walked into the kitchen swinging his car keys around his finger. Calum wasn't sure what he was really feeling towards Ashton at the moment. He didn't know how to feel towards him.
"Michael in bed still?" Ashton asks, walking over to the fridge next to Calum, and Calum decided he was definitely a little pissed off at his so-called best friend who was acting like nothing happened.
"Yeah" Luke says, playing with his cereal with his spoon. He had decided he wasn't very hungry anymore because he was so worried about how Calum was going to act.
"How're you today, Calum?" Ashton asked, and for anyone else it would be a normal, every day question, but for these boys it held a million more meanings. And Ashton asking Calum this made his old boil slightly.
"Fine" Calum said through his teeth and Ashton looked slightly taken aback.
"What's up?" Ashton asked and Luke sighed from his seat, making Ashton look at him and then back to Calum.
"We saw you with her last night" Luke says tiredly, his hand resting against his palm which made his face distorted, and the boys would've laughed any other time but this was definitely not one of those times.
"Oh God, Calum" Ashton groans, turning back to face Calum who was staring at the last bit of orange juice that he was swishing around his glass. "Look, I meant to tell you and I'm sorry I didn't, I was just so scared that you would be mad at me and she begged me to meet up with her. Please, don't hate me"
"I don't hate you, Ashton" Calum sighed, putting his glass on the counter and folding his arms over his chest, staring at his best friend that he could never stay mad at.
"Good" Ashton sighs in relief, "We were talking about you" He says quietly. At this point, Luke stood up and left the two boys to talk in private, as Calum perked up slightly.
"What about?"
"She asked how you were, I told her you were good. She said she misses you"
"Oh, she misses me. That must be so hard for her while she's sitting there fucking her new boyfriend. I really hope she's coping well" Calum says, rolling his eyes and pushing himself off of the counter. He is horrified at what he just said about her but he pretends that he doesn't really care because it's about time he said something truthful about the girl that stomped on his heart with her combat boots.
"Calum" Ashton says warningly.
"No. Ashton, she doesn't have the right to miss me. You wanna know why? Because I've been sitting here, every fucking day for five months. Five months. Just thinking about her and crying over her and being sent straight to her voicemail because she wants nothing to do with me, and she suddenly thinks it's okay to miss me? She has a boyfriend. She's moved on. And I'd like to say that now that she's moved on, I will too, and I wish I could tell you that I'm fine and that it hardly bothers me but I'm not. I'm not fine and there's nothing that eats away at me more than just the thought of them together, and I don't think I'll ever move on from her because she fucking turned my life upside down and I let her and that was just a terrible idea, now wasn't it?" Calum finished his little rant and stormed off, walking up to his room and grabbing his car keys and his jacket before stomping out of his room and to the front door, flinging it open and slamming it shut on his way down to where his car was. He hadn't even used it in almost half a year, and he almost forgot what it even looked like.
Of course, it was raining when Calum walked outside, because Calum's life seemed to just be one giant cliche lately. He had no idea where he actually planned on driving to, and when he opened his car door and sat down inside, slamming the door shut behind himself, he just sat there and stared blankly at the rain on the windscreen in front of him.
And then he interrupted his own little bubble of quiet and slammed his hands down on the steering wheel with a cry of frustration. "Fuck!"
He banged his head against the steering wheel a couple times but stopped when he accidentally made the car horn go off, and then he rested his head back against the seat, his breathing heavy.
And then he broke down, and it felt like déjà vu. He squeezed the steering wheel of the stationary car so tightly that his knuckles were white and his fingers were cramping slightly but he didn't care.
There are two types of people in this world. The glass-half-empty's and the glass-half-full's, the ones that enjoy waking up in the morning and the ones that need to be physically dragged from their beds. Calum had somehow gone from living to surviving, and each day that he went through had changed from living every day like it was his last, to living every day in hopes that it was his last. His cup was now less than half empty. It hardly even had a drop in it.
He felt so lost, and he hated how one person could do this to him, and he hated how it was her, the one he trusted with everything, that was doing this to him.
Rain continued to crash down onto the car around him, and he was waiting for the orchestra to show up and play their piece. But instead it was just Calum and his pained sobs and occasional scream.
He hardly even noticed when the passenger door opened and someone sat down in the seat next to him.
"I don't want to be here anymore" Calum said quietly, choking out another sob.
"Then come back inside, Ashton isn't mad at y-"
"No. Luke. That's not what I mean. I don't want to be here, here being a Earth. Im so sick of feeling like this. God, you know what it feels like? It feels like I'm sitting here drowning and suffocating and the most torturous thing is that I can see the people around me breathing"
"Then why don't you God damn fix it Calum!" Luke suddenly shouted. He was getting sick of his best friends moping and complaining while he wasn't doing a single thing to help himself. "You never even tried to get her back, Calum. Of course she's going to try and move on if you didn't even take the effort to make her stay"
"She wanted to leave, Luke"
"You didn't even put up a fight! You talk about how much you love her but you let her walk out on you and I for fucking get it" Luke sighs, running a hand through his hair.
"I- I'm scared, Luke? Okay, I admit it. I'm scared. I'm scared as fuck that if I ever even try to talk to her she'll stick up her nose at me or pretend like she doesn't even know I exist. I'm not good enough for her, Luke. I never have been. And I think that's why she left in the first place. I was thinking about all of these possibilities, about how maybe it was her and not me, but I was being blind. She doesn't need me, she deserves so much more and she finally realised that and she left"