Sometimes I felt trapped in my thoughts.
Well, I used to. When I was younger, it was a problem.
I would want that last cookie, I would want the brown haired doll not the blonde, I would not want to be touched like that. But I didn't have a voice. So I was left with my thoughts bouncing off the walls of my brain. Maybe that's why I functioned so perfunctorily at times.
I used to let my thoughts pile up, eventually they would all catch up and I would explode, going off on anyone nearby. So now, I just said them as they popped up because there was nothing worse than feeling trapped.
So that depressingly grey Tuesday in English honors, I tried to force myself to like White Bread. That started with calling him by his name. When Brandon flirted with me I just wanted to rip the hair out of my skull. But I had a role, a place in this weird society we called high school. The bell rang and Jake walked in, Brandon's flirting was absolutely relentless. I looked at Jake cooly, his eyes didn't meet mine, I didn't want to look at Brandon's pervy expressions, so I turned my attention to my notebook and scribbled J's in loose cursive so you couldn't really tell what I was writing. Then I added a few M's. I liked that his initials were JM and mine were MJ. I was pretty sure I had read somewhere before that people in asylums drew the same thing over and over again because they were so trapped in their thoughts. But the doodle started to invade my math homework, so I set my pencil down.
"So, Mia?" Brandon asked in a kinda irritated way.
I jumped.
"Game tomorrow, wanna be my cheerleader?" He almost barked.
Absolutely barbaric.
"Not interested." I mumbled and shifted my focus to an empty page in my notebook.
I changed my mind, forcing myself to like him was impossible.
Also maybe I was kinda in the wrong to be annoyed that he was flirting with me. I will admit, I did lead him on at times. You can't blame me, I needed something to play with in this hick town or else I would've carved my eyes.
Then from two seats away, I heard something fall. Turning around, I realized it was less of a something more of a someone.
Jake.
He was laying on his side, his cheeks turning a faint pink. I turned back to my notebook and went back to doodling, smiling to myself a little. I had known Jake for three years and occasionally, he would do something dorkily adorable. I remembered this one time he was reading a short story in creative writing and he tripped on the pedestal. Not only did he knock over the teacher's water all over the desk, but he also tore his sweater almost up to his nipple. It was the joke of the day. It made me like him more. It was the little things that gave Jake character.
Even though we barely spoke, I always found him so interesting, like a diary with a lock on it. Jake never talked, to like anyone. Except for some guy named Wyatt. Other than that, I had only ever seen Jake talk to the video teachers. Not to mention, everyone called him Joke and he always looked kinda angry. Like he was trapped too. I was scared though, that if I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't say anything. And I hated that, that what someone said or didn't say could make me want to hurl up some butterflies.
"Whatever," Brandon scoffed, turning to Jake, "Hey loser, you're supposed to sit in the chair."
The class laughed like the savages they were and pulled out their phones to take pictures. Like routine, my smile instantly contorted back to disinterest.
Over the years, I had come to conclude that Wonder Bre- I mean Brandon did not cope well with embarrassment, so his natural instincts were to pass it onto someone else. For some reason, the easy target here was Jake. I think maybe Brandon wasn't hugged enough as a kid. Just a theory.
My phone buzzed.
Kaitlyn @ 8:07-
Mall today?
I mentally let out a sigh.
I did eventually make friends here. I called them the Wonder Breads, the personal cheerleaders of the Wonder Bread himself. Kaitlyn, the girl who was madly in love with Brandon, thought she was an uber fashionable trendsetter. She was in fact not. For awhile, I thought fashion was the same everywhere, that there was a popular consensus of what was fashionable and what was not. But fashion in Jersey was bland in comparison to the city. I missed the vibrant colors, the neon pink jackets, and not wearing a bra, God I missed not wearing a bra. It's like at school if I didn't, it became this whole big thing, but in the city I never had to wear one. I remember last summer, when I visit my city friends, I did not wear a bra once. It was absolutely liberating. Plus, I knew the cultureless chain stores boasting 'diversity' Kaitlyn would want to go to. If I ever took her to the one of a kind boutiques in SoHo, I think she would die on the spot. Well, first she would buy everything, then die. The stores in New York were incomparable to the stores here.
The teacher rushed through the door, the stench of pot wafted past me. I scrunched up my nose in distaste.
Times like those made me feel like I was going to die in New Jersey.
I checked my phone again.
Avery @ 8:10-
Hey wanna go to the library during lunch. You know who will be there ;)
I smiled to myself. Avery was one of my few friends I genuinely liked. Not only was he kind and funny, he was in the closet. So his life was like a soap opera, sneaking 'study buddies' in from under his super religious parents' noses. He was the heartthrob of Southern High, but only had eyes for Rex, a cute guy who dressed impeccably well and understood that feminism was more than just getting to vote. He had the highest level of approval from me.
Mr. Charlie asked a question.
And then the dance began.
That meant that Jake would teach the entire class. It surprised me that Mr. Charlie had tenure. If it wasn't for Jake, we wouldn't know the difference from a noun or a verb. But I just tuned him out. I didn't want to hear him talk about juxtaposition or the symbolism in books. I'd have rather heard him talk about why he's always writing, why he never talks, who he would be if he was a Twilight character. I once caught him checking out a copy in the library.
I never spoke in class. It was too utterly boring to keep up with in general.
"Spit it out, Joke." Brandon bellowed.
I stopped drawing.
"Can anyone add to that?" Mr. Charlie asked, looking directly at Jake.
I wondered if it bothered him.
"Jake?" The teacher called on him again.
I would be pissed, but I knew he wouldn't not answer-
"Nothing." His deep voice said, filling the classroom that suddenly fell quiet.
"Huh?" Mr. Charlie verbalized how I felt.
"No, I'm good." Jake replied, shaking his head.
I looked at him, like I really looked at him. I hadn't done that since we first met. His face was its usual ivory hue, not embarrassed pink or angry red. His mouth wasn't taunt, his hands weren't trembling. He was calm. The class was at a loss for words.
Jake never said no.
I turned to the girl next to me and whispered, "What did Mr. Charlie ask?"
"How nature reacts in Macbeth or something." The girl whispered back, "Guess Jake didn't read for once."
And what else could I do, but take a chance to do something that was out of character for myself and say, "Even Banquo noticed something was wrong."
---
Jake seemed different the rest of class. Instead of being deeply focused on the lesson, he gazed out the window, a faint outline of a smile twitching at the corners of his lips.
God. He. Was. So. Cute.
Actually, cute wasn't the right word, he was unconventionally beautiful. Not like some wannabe model with a chiseled body or a snow white smile. He was unique.
I felt my crush for him sneaking up on me again, a crush I vowed to never act on.
Life was simpler if I didn't chase people. I learned that the hard way.
But could you blame me? Every guy here was the same, cut from the same cookie cutter. At least Jake wasn't a cookie.
I was so zoned out for the rest of class, I didn't notice when the bell rang that my name was on the board next to his.
I tapped on the girl's shoulder again. "What's my name on the board for?"
She tucked her notebook in her backpack. "Oh that's who you're working with for the Macbeth project. Lucky, you got Jake. He'll probably do the whole thing."
As she got up to leave, I squinted at the board and read the assignment. Boring, I had done one just like it at my old school.
I glanced at Jake, he was packing up his things. I tucked my pencil into my purse, but it didn't really fit so the eraser end stuck out a little. Before the move, I used to carry a backpack that held just about everything. But Stephanie, one of the Wonder Breads, told me that only the weird childish girls carried backpacks. I didn't argue. So there I was with a creamy white purse from my mom's closet. My mom and I shared almost all our clothes, she was uber fashionable. For the past four years, we had gone to New York fashion week together. I loved seeing all the abstract designs and weird prints. You could literally wear anything on the runway and it would be fashionable. Last year, I wanted to come in a trash bag, but my mom wouldn't let me.
I glanced at Jake again. He was still there. Swallowing, I walked over to him, my heart beating a mile a minute.
Maybe it was time to make a daydream a reality.
---
"So," I smiled, "I'm going to a boy's house on Friday."
Sitting in the waiting room of some store with tacky yellow dressing rooms, Sophia and Kaitlyn gasped. The last of the Wonder Breads was trying on a velvet dress for some military ball in a month or two.
"With who?" Kaitlyn demanded.
Sophia shook my shoulders, "You haven't been interested in a guy since you moved here!" And then she added, "Is it Brandon?" With a tinge of jealousy.
I smiled. I loved being the target of envy. It meant I was winning.
"Secret." I replied with a devious smile. "And it's not a date, more of a homework hang out."
Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. "Homework or not, if it's with you one on one with a boy, it's a date babe."
The Wonder Breads welcomed me to their group with open arms and even considered me one of their best friends in about two days. They were looking for a fourth member to complete their popular troupe because more people like even numbers and all they cared about was being liked. At first, it seemed as if I fit their criteria: pretty(ish), seemingly normal, and obedient to the 'leader'. But even once they realized I refused to match outfits with them once a month and I wasn't their version of normal, they still tried to groom me to be one of them. That meant I learned early on the rule "No secrets" was all they really cared about. Girls like to gossip, I can't lie and say I don't. It's in our blood or something. But I didn't want them to know my secrets. So, for the most part, I made up stuff to protect myself. I didn't want them to know I actually could not wait till graduation to escape them, nor did I want them to know my secret mega crush on Jake Morrow.
"You know the rule..." Sophia teased, though she was completely serious.
I waved her away with my hand, "But secrets are so fun." Then added, "And what about democracy? I vote we end this whole secret rule."
"Yeah and that means we all vote you tell us who he is." Kaitlyn demanded.
Sophia flicked her hair over her shoulder, "Also what is that on your back?"
I furrowed my brows, "I believe it's called a backpack."
When I had gotten home, my mom asked for her purse back because she was going into New York City that night for an art gallery opening. I begged to come, but made the mistake of telling her about my mall plans. She told me to be less of a flake.
"Well burn it, it's hideous," Kaitlyn said in a not so friendly way, then adding in a slightly nicer tone, "It's just, we're trying to start a brand, a sense of style. And you're the only one not on board yet."
I rolled my eyes and said "A backpack doesn't stop a brand when there isn't even a brand to stop..."
I closed my mouth when I realized they both were on their phones texting each other.
Probably about me.
"I have to go pick up my phone. It's probably done." I mumbled, walking out of the waiting room just as Ashlyn, the last of the Wonder Breads, got out of the dressing room and chased after me.
"Wait!" She called, her shirt only pulled onto one arm.
Ashlyn, panting, said in a hushed voice, "Good luck with Jake."
I smiled and patted her shoulder, "Thanks Ash."
Ashlynn really didn't deserve to be lumped with the rest of the Wonder Breads. She was actually pretty great. She had this gorgeous long blonde hair that made you wish it was yours, but her nose was just a tad too big. And she was kinda lanky. Never did I think I could become friends with a girl who would most likely join a sorority and trek to Africa to 'save' the world.
"And hey," She she said with a reassuring smile, "The other Wonder Breads won't care too much, that is, if you tell them."
She was the only person besides Avery who I told about my secret nicknames.
I left the store and glanced at the clock. My phone wouldn't be ready for another half hour and I knew that, but I needed to escape. Now that I was alone I felt a little trapped again because I was alone and had nowhere to be, no one to meet.
I looked back towards the store, but my legs went the other direction. I could not go back.
I decided to just wander the mall aimlessly, even though malls made me sad. It always felt like people were there trying to escape something. And malls knew that, boasting for you to buy two pencil skirts you don't need to get a third one free. As if that would fix your problems. I didn't feel like I was escaping anything. I felt like I was reliving the same nightmare, the same stores, the same unmemorable people, the same subtle music playing in the background.
So I just wandered and wished for a surprise, any surprise.