Song: The Truth Untold - BTS ✨
'Don't smile on me, light on me, because I can't go to you... there's no name to call. You know that I can't show you me or give you me. I can't show you my weakness so I'm putting on a mask to go see you. But I still want you.'
⚡️⚡️⚡️
I love you so much, but I can't be selfish... and that's why I can't have you.
[30 minutes ago]
"What's all this bullshit about you two?" Jason scowled.
"I..." I muttered softly, still not recovered from my shock.
"Look, I don't care what this is all about, but listen to me, Rosie..." He took a step forward, acting all serious.
"You have to break up with him."
"W-What?"
"The moment you admit having a relationship with him, you're done for. People will start to watch you, talk about you and even dig your life up. You're basically throwing your private life away."
Yeah... I really hate attention.
I can't even stand a small crowd looking at me. But if this was what it takes to be with Jongdae, I was willing to give it a shot.
I looked up, feeling determined.
"It doesn't matter to me-"
"What about Jongdae? You think he's gonna be alright?" Jason interrupted again.
"SM will deny all the claims and force you two to break up. Jongdae does not have a say in this. If he insisted, his career will be definitely be threatened. You know very well that he's at the peak of his career. You don't want to see him fall, do you?"
He shifted his weight from one foot to another.
"Even if you insist on staying with him, what makes you think SM won't touch you? They'll fire you right away. In fact, you're not any safer now because of the damn leaked demo. You probably think you're just a contracted intern, but I can almost assure that your capability would have gotten you a full-time position, if it wasn't for all this bullshit."
I love my job... but for Jongdae, I know I can do without it. He means so much more than this.
"But this? This news? If it's really true, it's only going to wreck the both of you. So please, Rosie... please end it with him."
"I..." I stumbled.
"Think harder, Rosie. It's impossible for a relationship with him. Especially not now. Nobody in this world would approve it. Not the company, definitely not the fans, not even his family would support it if it ends up ruining Jongdae's future."
Jason was slightly convincing, but what about Jongdae? I knew he had his own decisions to make too.
"It takes two hands to clap, Jason. Jongdae must have his own opinions as well and-"
"That's exactly why I'm only saying this to you, Rosie. We all know what he would say about this, don't we?"
I think he would fight for us.
"He might end up putting himself in a tight spot because he won't give up so easily. He won't be able to end it especially if you someone dear to him... but you, Rosie, I know you can."
So much persuasion from Jason when it boils down to only one thing: he wants me to give up on this relationship. I pulled a long frown, considering again and again, but I wasn't willing to come to his conclusion.
"You know you're already under investigation for the leaked demo. The fact that you're a suspect for that is definitely going to drag him down with you. So if you really meant well, break up."
I don't want to drag him down...
"But if he still wants to fight for us... I won't be able to do anything against that," I muttered.
Because I still want it. I still want him.
"That's the problem, Rosie. Don't you get it? You need to make him leave you. Break it the real way and make him give it up completely. Don't give him the chance to fight for it."
He's technically asking me to break his heart to make him give up on me. How can I ever do that?
"I'm saying this because I really mean well for the both of you. Please listen to me, Rosie..."
My thoughts were clouding, and I didn't know how to respond anymore. I just kept deliberating...and...
"Excuse me!" Jongdae busted through the door, inviting himself into the conference room.
"What are you doing here?" I fixed my eyes on him but he was only looking at Jason.
"It's true that we're dating," he confessed so easily.
Jason was right. He couldn't choose to give up anything.
"KIM JONGDAE!" Jason raised his voice.
"It doesn't matter what you wanna hear, Jason, but there's one thing for sure. No matter what happens, I will protect her."
"No, you don't have the right to choose." Jason dictated.
"You can't stop me," Jongdae continued to challenge.
"Yes, I can. You either give up this relationship, or you're giving up your career. Choose."
When I saw Jongdae hesitate, it struck me with guilt.
'He won't be able to end it especially if you someone dear to him...'
Must I really do it the way Jason asked me to? End it? The thought of that made my heart collapse and hit rock bottom.
'You need to make him leave you. Break it the real way and make him give it up completely.'
Breaking his heart? That would kill me...
'His career will be threatened. You don't want to see him fall, do you?'
'Nobody in this world would approve it. Not the company, definitely not the fans, not even his family would support if it ends up ruining Jongdae's future.'
Every sentence hit me so hard, even though I wanted to deny it so badly. It made me realize just how worthless I am, that I can't protect him and I didn't have the power to.
It took me so long to realize that I was only a good-for-nothing idiot who turned out to be an obstruction in his life. I gave an asshole a chance to leak the demo, and this careless mistake ended up ruining his SM station song.
Yet he still wants to protect the relationship and he still wants to protect me? That's so silly of him. The whole world knows that he should never be risking anything like that. Not for me.
No, I can't allow him to.
I clenched my fists and swallowed the rock in my throat. Jason... might've been right.
How did I even think of letting Jongdae be with someone like me? It was time for me to wake up and realize that I never once belonged in his league.
I stepped forward, trying my hardest to manage an indifferent expression. My heart was already crippling before I vomited my first nasty word. Here was me, putting on a heartless, bitchy front.
"What a pathetic relationship this is," I scoffed, but I was close to choking out tears.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
"Rosie?"
When he called my name, I really wanted to run into his arms and discard the disgusting intentions I had in mind.
"I didn't get close to you just to suck up this bullshit, you know?"
But I continued to fake it. In the end, I've chose to hide behind this ugly facade.
How pathetic of you, Rosie.
"After all this time, you still haven't figured out that I've been playing around?" I snorted, but my heart was shriveling up on the inside.
This was it, branding myself the asshole. Deep deep deep down, I just wished he knew how much these weren't true...
"Since yesterday, we were already done. I sent you that stupid text!"
Thank the mysterious texts for becoming my accomplice now.
"I already said I don't need you! But even then, you continued to fall for my lies! Do you know how stupid you look? How ridiculous all this is?!"
My chest tightened the more I shot him down. Every sentence that came out of my filthy mouth stabbed me back once more. I could feel myself slowly tearing apart on the inside.
"You're lying," he said, still in disbelief.
Yes, I'm lying.
"I'm not falling for it, Rosie." He kept on insisting.
I really want to wrap you in my arms and tell you how much this was a joke, Jongdae. But I don't know what else to do. I can't hold onto you and I can't let you hold onto me. From the beginning, this wasn't right and it took me so long to realize that we should have never started anything.
"It's up to you to believe me now or not. I mean, well, you always believed my lies anyway."
"Look," I said, shortly after vomiting the shittiest laughter ever.
"I don't wanna be living my life in guilt just because I played you."
"Must you really say it like that?!" He squinted his eyes in distraught.
"I'm sorry, did it hurt you? Really? That easily?"
It kills me to hurt you like that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
"Say it then. Say it to my face that you don't like me at all," he demanded from me once more.
I gulped hard before blatantly staring back at him. I can't give in now.
"I hated you ever since the day we met."
No, I love you.
"The sight of you disgusts me."
You're an amazing person.
"Not enough?" I challenged him when he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
"Jongdae... you make me sick." I hissed and saw him wince slightly.
That crushed me more than ever. Being broken was an understatement, I was shattered to a million pieces.
"For the last time, dude. We're DONE."
Nice, I felt completely ripped apart.
But you have no right to be sad, Rosie. You broke him like he was nothing.
Feeling at the edge of my own destruction, I knew I needed out of that place. Out of his sight. He can't see me like this. I pivoted around but then he caught my arm.
"Don't do this to me. Please..."
He was begging me so hard, and that desperation in his voice just killed me one more time.
Every time he pleaded, I was on the verge of running into his arms to spill the loudest apology and comfort him... but I can't.
When the first tear finally escaped my eyes, I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Let go! Gosh!" I cried in frustration, frantically flinging out of his grip.
So I ran away.
My emotions were in a big mess and I felt so lost. Hurt wasn't the only pain, but the anger and disgust I had for myself consumed me as well.
The worst struggle back then wasn't even about how destructed I felt. It was hell for me to fake my expression like it didn't affect me one bit. There was no outlet for me to let out my cries and I couldn't allow myself to look hurt in front of him. That was the worst. The fact that I managed to pull it off made me feel terribly inhumane.
What have I become?
I just made me my own enemy...
I was unforgivable.
...
The path out of the conference room wasn't any pleasant. I thought I would feel better as long as I dodged Jongdae, but I was wrong. Everyone in the office were giving me judgemental stares, whispering to one another about me. Like Sooyeon, they must've seen the recent news and discovered that I was the 'mysterious' girl.
All thanks to the dating rumour and the leaked demo case, my life as an intern started going downhill. Their wicked eyes on me would curse me with disgrace, but I wasn't going to let them break me so easily.
So I continued to hide my emotions. I need to look tough and independent.
For 10 minutes, I walked different corners in the building, wishing for a place I could be alone. I wanted away from people's eyes. Out of this world, if possible.
But where? Where can I go? I can't just leave for home now. I can't leave the building because I wasn't done settling my matter with Jason. So where?
A place where I could be alone...
The rooftop?
Right, that would be a perfect place to vent out all my bitter feelings. Before heading up, I made sure I had my staff pass with me.
Can't afford locking myself out there once more.
In no time, I was out there inhaling the fresh outdoor air at the top of the building again.
Fresh air was the only thing that could comfort me right now. How pathetic. It was barely anything to lift my spirit, still. When I finally managed to open up my heart again, sad and angry tears were desperately flushing out of me.
Lol, it's been so many years ever since mom's case that I resented myself this much. It took me so long to recover back then, but now I was sinking in the same depressing hole again.
The feeling of helplessness and the mental torment I had to experience the second time pushed me to the edge.
As soon as I landed on the bench at the rooftop, I started bawling the hurt that was crushing me within. For a long time, I couldn't figure out how to stop the tears from flowing. It felt like they had been suppressed inside me for a decade.
The cold wind would gush past me every once in a while, torturing me in the icy winter. And I was without my coat - which I only realized after shivering for quite a while.
First was my staff pass, now was my coat, what would I forget the next time I visit the roof?
I can't believe I was too occupied with my sadness to realize that I was freezing, until now. I rose from the bench, giving the furniture one last look.
And suddenly I thought... if only I could rewind back to this day, to the time when Jongdae and I were still friends, how nice would that be?
Back then, I should've kept it that way.
A stronger wave of wind blew past me this time, and I averted my gaze away, sniffing. I need to stop hoping for impossible things already.
Shaking my head, I walked briskly to the exit and pulled out my staff pass. I was only a step away as I eyed the door, but I held back as soon as I heard something from the other side of it.
Or someone.
Someone was coming here too.
My instincts told me to hide away, and in a whop, I jumped out of view and hid behind the wall by the corner of that door.
The door opened up and then came the person. I took a quick glance in curiosity and - holy jellybeans... Jongdae?!
Why is he here too? Why? Why after me? Why of all places, here? Why now?!!!
The questions were bombarding my mind as I watched him drag his feet to the same bench out there. I kept silent and stayed out of sight because my face must be so swollen and red from the crying.
Stuffing myself with banana pancakes was enough, I couldn't afford to let him see another ugly side of me.
That was a reason, but more importantly, I can't let him see me in tears. If he knew how affected I was, then my lies to him would be exposed. No no.
I watched his back view for a few seconds... and I couldn't take it. My heart ached more when he looked so torn apart.
Did I really do that to him? It can't be... right?
He slumped down to the bench with droopy shoulders, still back facing my direction. It was just a back view, but it yelled tiredness to me.
I couldn't bear watching him this way any longer so I looked away, staying quiet in my invisible corner. My eyes were brimming with tears again even though I told myself a billion times not to think anymore.
The tears just kept coming! It was so annoying...
Leaned against the wall, I dragged myself down until my bottom hit the ground. I foresee that I had to stay here l a little longer. I couldn't possibly walk out at this time. I had to wait for him to leave before I could.
But maybe before that, I might die from the cold.
My hands and legs started to numb from the cold, and at every opportunity of a sneeze, I still had to squeeze my nose so hard to shove the temptation back up my nostrils.
Goodness, I wish I could cut my nose away.
At least, the good thing about this physical suffering makes me sulk over my heartbreak a teeny bit lesser.
Time seemed to pass extremely slow since I went into hiding. Forcing myself to stay under the winter cold was a bad idea, but I didn't have a choice. My entire body was rock ice by now, and I could feel my system deteriorating the more I tried to fight the cold.
I have been keeping track of the time and now, it's been 30 minutes since Jongdae came up. Is he not going to leave soon?
Then, his phone rang.
"Jongdae speaking," he answered very softly, but I kept my ears open to his phone conversation.
"What? Rosie's missing?" His voice became louder.
My eyes widened when I heard my name.
"I don't know, she walked away from me."
The sadness in his voice pierced my heart once more.
"I'm at the rooftop. Just... needed some air," he continued talking on the phone.
Damn, as time passed, I could feel myself getting weaker and sleepier. My body was beginning to lose strength and it was getting hard to keep my eyes open. Funny how I was gradually losing myself in a sleep, but my heart was racing like a mad bull without me doing anything. My body was screwing up.
"Yeah, okay." Those were his final words before hanging up the phone.
I heard his footsteps get louder, and that meant that he was finally approaching the exit.
Okay, I just need to wait a little longer for him to leave...
The sound of the door opening was heard, but along with it, another male voice popped in.
"Hyung," he greeted Jongdae. I could recognize Sehun's voice instantly.
"You guys didn't try to call her?" Jongdae voiced up.
"No, we couldn't get through. I think she turned off her phone," Sehun replied.
I lifted my head, confused.
Me? Was my phone turned off?
As stealthy as I could, I pulled out the phone from my pocket and checked.
He was right, my phone was switched off. A sudden recall back to this morning made me realize that I might've accidentally turned it off shortly after putting down Mel's phone call.
"That idiot..." Jongdae groaned.
My left eye twitched along the same time he called me an idiot.
Tsk!
"Do you think she left the building?" Sehun asked.
"I don't know. She's quite unpredictable..."
His voice was slowly fading out, along with the sound of his footsteps. I assumed he stepped back into the building.
Now that he left, I was slightly relaxed. I guess I just need a little while more before I take my leave too. In the mean time, I switched on my phone before getting off the ground. I was too lazy and weak to be standing...
Little did I know the importance of muting my phone first, because as soon as it came back alive, my phone was ringing with tons of notifications. I was going crazy trying to shut my phone up, frantically wrapping it under my shirt, thinking that it would work.
But of course... not.
I started to panic, thinking that I might end up getting caught - if he was still there. But at the same time, I could feel my body breaking down. What should I do now? I had no energy to think anymore... all I wanted to do was sleep...
"ROSIE?"
Sehun's voice rang into my ears. I wanted to stand up now, but it suddenly became so tough to do even that. I raised my eyes with all my might to give him a look.
Jongdae's not there, thank god.
I was relieved knowing that Sehun found me instead. As long as I could avoid Jongdae, it's okay.
"W-What are you doing here?!"
I could register his words, but my vision started to blur. My head began spinning madly and it was getting harder to breathe. I was almost seeing stars and it frightened me so much.
"Don't... t-tell him..." I coughed out one last breath.
And that was the final one before I lost myself in a world of blackness.
⚡️⚡️⚡️
A/N: jeng jeng jeng... 🤯