[Warning: This chapter contains disturbing actions of violence, drugs consume and sexual abuse. You have been warned.]
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Chapter 21: Past
/time: 9 years ago/
/current age: 17 years old/
Koo Junhoe, the school's enemy, part of athletic school, located on our left side. Being an art major, made me study at this school I am right now. As I was waiting on the rooftop, my eyes briefly shifted from side to side, following that boy, passionately playing in the field.
"You are head to toe over him right?" Wooseok said as he stayed by my side.
"I think so," I nodded along.
Bora tsked from behind "There is nothing good about him."
"There is nothing good about me neither" I said making them both sigh.
Junhoe stopped running as the game was over, taking his water bottle. The way he drank made his features sharp, noticeable by every person around him. Running his fingers through the dark hair, he gazed up. The distance was huge, still our eyes met as he was the magnet and I the piece of metal possessed under him.
His features unsharpened, his hand up waving at me. The small smile Junhoe secretly gave to me, fluttered me, increasing my heartbeat in madness. Is this how love feels like? Because is something I've never experienced before. I raised my hand waving back.
He knew I would be there every Thursday on 11 am to follow his match. We always met each others eyes like this, waiving and smiling sometimes. Isn't it time for me to meet him? Shaking my head, I turned around.
"Where is Hongseok though? He's so late" frustrated Lisa threw her volley ball on the graphite wall.
"Calm down girly, I'm here," Hongseok's sweet tone echoed through the air, "with her too."
On his side, stomped a short chubby female. I sighed looking at the field. This is gonna be another usual one.
"Please let me go," the girl scowled. Hongseok immediately let her arm, my friends circling around the chubby girl. Lisa pushed her shoulder, making her fall on the dirty floor. I went in front of that girl.
"Are you Song Soji?" I bent down. Without looking at me, she nodded. I sensed her tears on the edge. Grabbing her chin, forced her to look at me.
"Do you know who I am?" softly I said.
"No, I don't" blabbering, she lied. I let go of her chin, scoffing.
"If you don't know me, what's the purpose of going around the school, spreading shitty rumors about me?" I raised my voice making her flinch in fear.
A sudden voice interrupted us, a voice I hated so much "Eun Ji leave the girl alone, she understood her mistake."
"Dohwan this is none of your business. Leave now," Bora shouted.
Dohwan rolled his eyes and stayed in the corner. I pointed at Soji "Do you know what I can even do to you? You go around saying I am a slut and shits. Do you know how mean I can be?"
Getting a tight grip of her hair, I made Soji bent on knees "I will let you go this time. If I catch you doing something like this again, I will make sure that you stop breathing."
With that I let her go, falling on the floor. She quickly rushed down the rooftop's stair, sobbing loudly. Shaking my head, I went close Dohwan, pulling his collar harshly "Leave me alone, won't you."
Spatting on his feet, I then left.
...
Taking my shoes off, I entered my house, being greeted by loud classic music. Entering the kitchen, the sight was pretty entertaining, Taehyung trying to cook and play his imaginary orchestra along the music. Giggling, I left the school bag on the floor, tip toeing behind Tae, back hugging him tight.
"Oh shit, Eun Ji you scared me" he shouted, pancakes flying in the air. Laughing, I grabbed the pancake before it landed on the floor.
"Whom did thought I was? Beethoven's ghost?" he rolled his eyes and poured a new portion inside the pan.
Pancakes for dinner, this may sound weird to a lot of normal people, but not for us. Being raised by ourselves this was just fine for me and Tae. I mean Tae is a pancake expert, who doesn't love them?
As soon as I took the first bite, my phone rang. Brushing my free hand through my pants, I looked over the screen. Unknown number. I slid my finger over the green button.
"Yes," I answered, a throat clearing from the other side.
"Am I talking to Kim Eun Ji?" the male's voice made me shiver, so soft.
"Uhm yeah."
"It's me Junhoe. Are you free to speak?"
Looking up at Taehyung, I catched him gazing me suspiciously. He would never let me talk with Junhoe, that's why I had to invent something.
"Yeah Hongseok that's the math problem," I lied which made Taehyung look at his pancake again. I just hope Junhoe understands what I'm saying.
"What? Oh are you with someone else?" he asked, his voice fainting.
"Yes. So this is an easy one. Train A can come to the destantion for 30 minutes. What about train B?" biting my lips, I hushed Tae who was looking weirdly at me.
"What train? Oh oh never mind I got it. Okay, train B will go at the destination for 15 minutes. The trains will meet at stadium on 8 pm" he finally played along.
Smiling, I cleared my throat "I'll just come over. Bye."
I got up, wearing my jacket, Taehyung looking at me with a questionable face "Where are you going?"
"I'll go help Hongseok and the others with math. Don't wait for me" I shouted, pecking on his cheek.
"Yah wait, do you have a key? I'll go out with the guys" he asked and I nodded, throwing my bag over the shoulders.
On my way, I didn't forgot to text at the others to cover me up too. Then registered Junhoe's number and went out.
...
From far away, I spotted his dark figure, hiding his thick hair under a white baseball cap.
"Junhoe" I called him waiving. Looking at me, a smile appeared on his edges, warming me inside. He catched up with my pace and smiled more.
"You came," softly he spoke.
"Of course I would come" I felt my cheeks heating up in the cold November's fresh air.
"It's nice meeting you so close, rather than the rooftop" Junhoe let out a cute laugh.
"But Junhoe how did you get my number?" I suddenly asked remembering.
"Oh let's say someone helped me," he said scratching the back of his neck, sign that he is lying, "oh and call me June."
Nodding, I pressed my hands in front of my face, trying to warm them up. He stared at me, grabbing my hands and placing them inside his jacket's pocket.
"Yah what are you doing?" I asked from behind.
"I will warm them up. Let's go now" he started walking with me back hugging from behind. Laughing like that we entered the stadium.
...
Days went by, me and June spending more time together, becoming closer with each other. Two months after our first date at the stadium, June confessed that he liked me. We started dating since then.
Being June's girlfriend had its advantages and disadvantages. He was the sweetest guy, cared about me a lot and made me feel loved. June made me fall for him more and more everyday. Three months of dating and I understood that I was madly in love with him.
But June had sides I didn't knew about before. Staying by his side meant for me to take part in his activities too. And by activities I mean partying , basketball matches and then partying again after it.
Being under such influence, I even developed bad habits. First it was only a simple cigarette, then weed, ecstasy, heroin and the less harmful alcohol. It started as a funny thing, but then turned out to be a big problem. Why? Because I became addicted.
...
/7 months dating/
As soon as I took my converse off, Taehyung grabbed the hand of mine, smelling it. I tried to get it back, but it was a failure.
"The hell Eun Ji? Have you been smoking?" his eyes widened.
Shaking my head, I walked by, our shoulders brushing against each others.
"Give me an answer Eun Ji," Tae suddenly raised his voice.
"I said NO," I shouted louder.
Quick steps were heard behind me as I was grabbed by my shoulders, an angry Taehyung staying in front of me.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Where is my little Eun Ji? You never lied to me before and never smoked. I waited for you to tell me about that shitty boyfriend of yours, but never heard a word from you," he kept shouting on my face, suddenly looking like my parents.
"That Eun Ji is gone Taehyung," I pushed him, getting out of the house again.
Even though I didn't want to, my legs took their own way towards June's friend house. They always had their parties there. I was so lost in my own thoughts, not noticing the two people in front of me, blocking my way.
"Hey old mate, remember us?" Wooseok's voice echoed through us. My lips lifted a little turning into a smile. Lisa was by his side too.
We separated months ago, when I started dating June. They kept warning me about him, that I changed and never had time for them, so I decided to call the group off. It was me who created it and me who ended it. Since then I didn't talk to any of them anymore, but inside I was missing the old times like crazy.
"I have to go somewhere, can it be quick?" I asked playing with one of my rings.
"We know that you don't like warnings about him, but we saw him with another girl Eun Ji. He was kissing her in front of us," Lisa spoke up worried.
"I know," I suddenly whispered making them go silent, "but they're only temporary. Don't worry. I'm leaving now."
Wooseok grabbed my arm "Be safe. You know we will always wait for you right?"
I nodded, softly taking his hand off my arm, then leaving towards the house. Of course June would make out with other girls. I never gave him more than kisses. We fought many times about this, but I wasn't ready to give myself to him already.
Jiwon, June's friend, hugged me opening the door. He was one of his best friends, a very funny, all the time hyped guy. Handing me a bottle of beer, Jiwon left to his guests. Although I spotted June with some blonde female on the corner, I still sat down on the couch, not bothering. I wasn't supposed to be there tonight anyway.
Beside me sat down someone whom I had months without seeing. Dohwan. Since the stadium day, I never saw him again near me. He had been my stalker for years, never leaving me alone, but suddenly disappearing like that.
"Enjoying some time alone?" he asked sipping on his drink.
"I guess," I shrugged, sipping the beer.
Searching inside his pocket, Dohwan took out a packet of Marlboro, handing one to me. Without looking at it, I took the cigarette, placing it in my mouth. I guess, I have to endure all of this for him.
...
The strong wind growled against my bedroom's window. I caressed my forehead, tired from studying. It was already 7 pm, being a december night it was already dark outside. Forecasters predicted that tonight it will snow.
My phone lightened up, a message popping on the screen. June telling me to come over at the address he just sent. I sighed, throwing the sweatshirt over my shoulders. I was home alone at the moment, Taehyung's was out with my parents. I wasn't in good terms with none of them, so I refused to go.
The place June texted me was a new one, very far to reach. It was dark, silence filling the empty corners. I knocked on the unknown house. June opening the door for me. As soon as I entered inside, the smell of alcohol mixed with weed hitted my nose harshly.
June was high. I could tell from the way he acted out. He would laugh unconsciously, giving me cigarettes. His hands gripped harshly on my neck, kissing every inch of me.
"Hey June calm down. What's wrong?" pushing gently his chest, I broke the kiss. But he grabbed my neck again.
"I just want you" June kept going down, not listening to me, pressing his torso into my hips more. His hands moved under my school skirt, ripping the high waist ompression I was wearing. A scream escaped my mouth, as I pushed June and got up behind the table.
"What the hell are you doing June?" I screamed even more when he came closer.
"I want to have fucking sex with you, is it that hard you damn hoe, come here now," his harsh high voice made me flinch.
I grabbed my purse and sweatshirt, trying to leave that house immediately. Before I could even take a step, the front door was opened from outside, three males entering the house. My mouth gasped in shock, Dohwan smirking at me. The two others behind him were unknown to me.
Throwing his arm around June's shoulder, Dohwan smirked even wider "It looks like my little brother was having some fun."
"Li-little brother?" not being able to pronounce even some words, I understood that I should get out as fast as possible.
"I'm leaving," I said in a low voice, walking in the other direction, but June's hand pulled me back. I looked at him with terrified eyes, not recognizing the boy in front of me anymore.
"June," I hissed.
"I'm sorry babe, but my brother just did what I asked him to. Let's have a little talk," Dohwan came closer, running his dirty fingers down my cheek. I threw his hand away, spatting on his face, then rushing to get out.
One of the boys, grabbed my hair from behind, making me fall on the ground, kicking the hell out of my structure. Dohwan kneeled down, strangling my neck, it was getting hard to breathe.
"You will pay for everything you've done to me today, for never giving me a chance, always despising me, you damn hoe," hitting my face again, I felt blood coming out from my nose.
Grabbing my arm hard, June injected me something with a needle, making my head spin harder, being half conscious.
My body was pulled hard upstairs, then thrown harshly on a bed. I felt like someone broke me in two pieces behind my spine.
Dohwan took off my clothes one by one, my palm gripping on him, trying to stop his crazy actions. Weighting on top of my body, he started sucking the skin of nape.
"Stop or I will report you all to the police," I shouted, by what they did was laughing.
"Police? Who would believe a drugged slut like you?" Dohwan smirked, with a camera on his hands.
Those hours were the most horrible of my whole life. I screamed so much, that I thought my voice drained. Four men raped me that december night, starting from Dohwan, ending with my dear boyfriend, that I loved so much. When everything finished, I was thrown on an empty road like a rotten animal, my head hitting a corner.
Being all alone, freezing there, I felt as if my soul left the body of mine. I could barely move my fingers, yet get up. Laying down there, looking at the starry sky full of clouds was the only thing I could do. Baby snowflakes fell on my dried lips. I had so many mixed feelings at the same time yet, felt nothing. Tears froze on my eyes, not having the ability to fall. Why haven't I died already?
...
The next day, I woke up in a hospital bed. My head was covered in bandages, a lot of pain coming from it. Hardly, I got up, taking the needles out of my wrists. Everyone in the room were sleeping. Opening one of the windows, I understood it was already night.
Since I had no clothes, other than the hospital gown, I stole one of the coats there and ran out of the window. The room was on first floor. Running down the road, I went to my house, praying my parents weren't still home.
But I was shocked seeing them both in the hall. My mother suddenly rushed at me, slapping harshly my face. I stayed silent as she started shouting.
"You disgusting kid, how dare you stain our family's name, you go around getting drugged and stripping everywhere" tears choked me as I tried to hold them. Why did I expect something different from her?
My father stayed silent, leaving all the work at her. She kept throwing me those pictures from last night on my face.
"Get out of this house, you are no longer part of my family," my mother shouted even more. Staring at her eyes, I sadly smiled.
"I never was anyway," and climbed at my room.
Roaming in my closet, I took out my bag, filling it with necessary clothes and all my savings. Entering my bathroom, I took off my clothes. The huge mirror inside didn't reflect me. That girl wasn't me.. Tears flood down my cheeks, as I sobbed hard, watering the body of mine feeling disgusted.
I had marks and rashes all over my body, Dohwan's fingerprints still on the neck. I washed more than 4 times, locked up in the bathroom for almost 45 minutes. Then got ready and went downstairs, silence everywhere. No one was home.
Smiling sadly as I got out of the house, every memory made here rushed quickly through my mind. That was it, I'll start everything from the beginning now.
Walking down the quite road, I bumped into a dark figure. Bowing quietly, I was about to leave, but the raspy voice made me turn around.
"Eun Ji?" he took of his cap, revealing the dark messy hair.
"Oh hey Jimin, what are you doing here?" I asked in a low tone.
Jimin simply smiled, placing his hands inside the pockets "Just out for a walk. Are you going somewhere?"
Immediately, I shook my head "No, I'll explain it to you later."
Nodding, he waved "Oh okay, see you around then."
Before he took more steps, I spoke up.
"Jimin.." he hummed in response "can you please tell Tae that I love him?"
Even though the look on his eyes showed confusion, Jimin smiled "Of course. You can count on me about that."
That was the last talk I had with someone who lived in Korea.
/end of flashback/
...
"One year later I started working in Texas. My aunt and grandma took care of me, then I moved out of their house, but I still talk with them. Yeah, I guess that was everything" I felt my eyes burning as I didn't let them fall. The only one that fell, I quickly wiped it away.
"Eun Ji, have you talked to a professional about this?" Jimin carefully asked.
Shaking my head, I took a sip of my drink "No, I haven't. Actually you guys are the first one I talked about this after 9 years. I guess, I just learned how to live with it."
"You should've seen one though," Sora suddenly talked. We looked at her confused.
"What do you mean?" Jungkook asked her.
Sora was still staring at me, her eyes full of tear "You should've gotten help, the sight of you years ago was unbearable for me. Why do you talk about it as if it's nothing?"
Tears started falling as she raised her voice more "Why do you have to act like this? You never blamed those jerks who did that to you."
"Sora I shouldn't have been there in the first place. It was my fault that it happened. I deserved every single thing that happened to me, okay?" I almost whispered because my voice could break down at any moment, as the boys went silent between our fight.
"It wasn't you fault Eun Ji. He did everything and you keep defending him. You almost killed yourself for that guy, why? Why?"
"Because I fell in love," I shouted getting up, hitting my chest, "I fell so hard Sora, have you ever fallen like this too?"
Sora parted her lips, but then closed them again. The tears I was trying so hard to kept, fell more one by one with each word I pronounced.
"I.. I thought someone finally loved me, so I fell so hard. I've always been throwing the fault over because I didn't want to stain the image of him loving me. I," but I couldn't continue anymore.
I lost control of my lips, my hands were shaking. I sat on the couch again, the palms of mine searching for the glass of wine again. Jimin's hand stopped it. He wrapped his on mine, making me stare at him between tears.
Maybe he'll be different. Maybe it's the time to let go of the past and give it in for now. Maybe it's time to dearly love the man holding my hand.
...
I have no words. My heart is broken