"Oh my god.", she mumbled to herself, looking at the temperature. 104 degrees, 90% humidity. It's the hottest it's been in years and the first heat wave in the city since she moved there.
She looked at herself in the mirror, trying to decide what to wear to her date that wouldn't cause pit stains.
"4th CRUSH date in a month. Way to go Court, for continuously failing at dating." She said out-loud to herself, grabbing the fat on the side of her stomach. "Who would want to date the fat girl anyway?", she said sarcastically.
She started going through her closet and throwing clothes on the ground, not happy with anything she had. Her usual choices were baggy pants and tee shirts, but the heat was unbearable and shorts and tanks were the only thing even remotely tolerable. It made her stomach churn to think that any guy wouldn't wince at the sight of her in a tank top and shorts.
She was feeling supremely annoyed and decided not to care this time what she looked like. She already figured it wouldn't go well anyway, so she just threw on cut off shorts and a baggy tank with flip flops. Might as well not even bother dressing up, none of them even make it to dessert anyway. "Probably don't wanna see the cow eating the cud.", she said under her breath.
Courtney was extremely pessimistic and negative, but she felt she had the right to be. She had been fluctuating between deathly skinny and plus size her whole life, then again, she knew plus size didn't fit her anymore. She was considered morbidly obese by medical standards, even though that term made her think of people who couldn't get out their front door. She was 185 pounds and even though that wasn't considered obese to most people, to her it was and to her mother it was. Her doctor constantly told her to lose "a few pounds", which meant about thirty. She also knew that most of the guys in the city, it was considered grossly obese. She was used to seeing super thin, tanned, perfect looking girls who wretched in the bathroom after dinner in the stall next to her. She could hear them gagging and dry heaving and it reminded her of high school when she would slip off to the girls bathroom to get rid of her lunch. The idea of going back to her old habits were tempting when she would see these girls at dinner, cutting up their salads with forks and knives and sipping on sparkling waters while she usually chowed down on burgers and sodas, but after rehab, she knew she had to make a lot of changes. After all, it's not easy going from 5 carrots and a cup of rice a day to your actual recommended calorie intake. Most people would either fail and go back to purging or go straight to binging their body weight in food. She did the latter, but usually followed it up with abnormally intense workouts on the weekends
She was feeling a bit hesitant and needed to send her bff a text, hoping he would talk her out of it and ask her to come over for a pity party of wine and ice cream.
She threw her phone in her purse feeling annoyed and walked down the street. The street was buzzing with activity and she walked to the curb to catch a cab. Cars were speeding by and she was kind of hoping one would accidentally drive up onto the curb and take her out. She was dreading going to this date. She had a feeling it wouldn't go well. They never do, but she figured a free dinner might be nice. She'd been living on ramen noodles for a week.
Sitting in the cab, she was flipping through the dating app and going back to his picture. He looked normal enough she though, but so did a lot of serial killers. "Maybe he will kill me and put me out of my misery.", she thought. She scoffed at that idea and tried zooming in on his picture. He only had one picture and that made her kind of curious, but also relieved that his profile wasn't full of pictures of him flexing muscles like most of the guys on the app.
He looked very white bread. The typical American boy with a nice smile, blue eyes and privilege. His picture was blurry, but she could tell he was really attractive, typically the type she wouldn't even Crush to, but she did and he Crushed back. They scheduled a date and now she's on her way to meet a guy who looks way out of her league. His profile didn't say much. Just random details here and there. He has a dog, a college degree in business management, one sister and likes to read, snowboard and go wine tasting.
"Yep, out of my fucking league.", she said to herself.
The cab stopped and she realized she was at her destination. She paid the cabbie quickly and he sped off almost before she could get completely out of the car. She still hadn't gotten use to the speed of the city. Everyone in a rush, always needing to be somewhere.
She stood in front of the bistro and thought how nice it looked from the outside and how underdressed she felt. She suddenly wanted to run and hide somewhere, but knew she had to take the leap, just go in and get some pasta and listen to this guy talk about himself and then listen to him say that he had to get up early after he sees her and had to cut the night short because he was tired. It was the same script every time.
She walked in and the bistro was dark with candles on the tables, shiny plates and the smell of garlic in the air.
"Hi, I am two minutes away. I'm so sorry, stuck in traffic. See you soon.", her Crush app notified her of a new message from her date.
"Great, I bet he tells me he cant make it next.", she said rolling her eyes.
She stood there a moment and then decided to go to the bar to wait.
"That's okay. I'll wait at the bar.", she responded even though she wanted to send him an angry devil emoji instead.
She sat on a bar stool and a couple at the end of the bar gawked at her, whispering and laughing to one another. The bartender was making drinks and she honestly just wanted to loosen up before this guy showed up. She would need some liquid courage to get through this date without stabbing herself in the eyes with the forks on the table.
"Good evening. Are you Courtney?", the bartender asked her with a glistening smile.
"Uh...yeah, yes I am. Do I know you?", she asked. She felt instantly a bit scared and then thought maybe he recognized her from work. She worked at a local popular coffee shop and even though she saw half the city everyday, she never cared enough to remember what they looked like.
"No we don't, but your date called ahead and said you would be showing up alone as he was running late, wanted me to make sure you're taken care of.", he said with a smile.
"Oh, wow thanks.", she said confused.
"So what'll it be?", he said pointing over his shoulder to the immense selection of alcohol.
"Oh, um..just...something...strong.", she replied with a nervous laugh.
He laughed back at her and winked, "Okay, I'll make you one of our most popular cocktails. I think you'll like it."
She nodded her head and sat there, tearing little corners off her cocktail napkin. The couple at the end of the bar were still snickering and as she looked at them, she pictured herself picking up the bowl of cherries on the bar and chucking it at their heads.
She shook the thought out of her head and tried not to pay attention, though she had to admit, it still hurt when people judged her. She knew she didn't belong in a place like that in jean shorts and flip flops and was regretting her decision to be comfortable instead of dressy.
The bartender slid her drink to her, it was brown and almost looked like a latte, a high peak of whipped cream on top and lots of cinnamon. It was in a fancy glass with a sugar rim and he winked at her as he slid it her way. She was hoping it was strong enough to numb her anxiety and her urge to scream at the snickering couple. She took a sip and squeezed her eyes shut. "Yep, definitely strong enough.", she said mid cough.
"So, what do you think?", the bartender asked her pointing to her drink.
"I think...I think I'm already drunk.", she said to him clearing her throat.
He chuckled, "Yeah, this is a strong one, but it has ginger and cinnamon, that's the bite you're tasting. Trust me, you'll love it, it makes you all warm inside.", he said to her with yet another wink.
She wasn't sure what that meant and hoped it didn't mean she'd up naked in an alley later that night.
She kept sipping and started to feel tingly. A shiver went up her spine and the back of her scalp felt electrified, followed by that warm feeling the bartender mentioned. Just as she was examining the speck of cinnamon floating in her drink she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Courtney?", the voice said to her.
She twisted around on her bar stool and saw her date standing there. She knew it was him, but didn't expect him to look better than his picture. She honestly thought he would look nothing like his picture as most guys that look like him don't accept a Crush date from girls that look like her.
"Hi, yes..uh, that's me.", she said as she extended her hand to meet his.
"Awesome, nice to meet you! I got us a table, you ready?", he said to her.
She shook her head, shocked she was on a date with a guy like him. As she walked to the table, she was trying to figure out what could be wrong with him. He was tall and lean, muscular with dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His jaw bones could cut glass. His smile perfect, but humble. He smelled amazing and he had on a denim shirt, jeans and black boots. She honestly figured it was some sort of joke. She started to second guess being there at all.
"I am so glad you dressed casually. I felt kind of silly wearing jeans to this place, but man it's so damn hot right now. I can't believe this heat wave!", he said as he flipped through the menu in front him.
He sat them at a table in a room where no one else was sitting. There was a flickering candle in the middle of the table and a bottle of wine ready to be poured. The waiter greeted them and poured their wine. She just sat there, confused and in awe of the situation.
"Yeah...I know, it's crazy. I just moved here last year and this is the hottest weather I've ever experienced. It's so crazy....totally crazy.", she said to him, feeling stupid for saying the word crazy so much.
"Yeah it is. So, what looks good?", he asked her with a smile. "This place has amazing pasta and the chicken carbonara is out of this world. Real pasta, homemade sauce...I mean it's the the best in the city.", he said as he sipped his wine.
"Um, yeah I love pasta. I..uh...I'll try that, sounds good.", she said
"Great, I'll order for us then. You won't regret it.", he said as he told the waiter their orders.
They continued talking the rest of the evening and Courtney couldn't believe how much had in common with him. Half the time he was speaking, she couldn't stop staring at his mouth. He had a tiny little scar above his top lip and when he smiled, it would bend up towards his nose.
They finished dinner and she sipped her wine. She couldn't stop looking at him. She wasn't even listening to anything she was saying.
"Wow, I think the wine went straight to my head.", Courtney said as she felt a bit uneasy on her feet.
"Oh man, are you okay?", he said to her, looking concerned and steadying her by holding onto her elbow.
"Yeah, I just didn't realize I was such a lightweight!", she chuckled.
"Thats okay, let get you home, huh?", he said smiling at her comfortingly.
They caught a cab and didn't speak much the whole way, but it didn't feel awkward to her. She felt comfortable and at ease. She kept smoothing her hair and hoping her breath didn't smell like garlic. He would occasionally point out the window at the lights on the street or the people eating ice cream in the park.
"Here we are.", he said as the cab pulled up to her building.
"Awesome, thank you so much.", she replied.
"I'll walk you up.", he said as he helped her out of the cab.
The cabbie waited while he walked her up the steps of her apartment. They stood on the top step facing each other.
"Thank you, you've been really sweet. I appreciate it. I don't know why I feel so lightheaded. Wine never does this to me.", she said apologetically.
"Oh geez no worries! I had a great time.", he said to her.
He leaned in to her and she suddenly felt faint, her head spinning and her legs weak beneath her. She stumbled forward and they slightly head butted one another.
"Whoa! Whoa! You okay?", he asked her catching mid fall.
"Yeah, I...I think so. Probably because I had wine before I ate anything, went to my head too fast....I'm...I'm not feeling so...", she started to say as she fell against him. She didn't even get a chance to finish her sentence before she passed out. He caught her...and he wasn't letting her go.
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Closer, Nine Inch Nails