Chapter Three:
We sat in McDonald's for a few more minutes, and all the while, I was still messaging Luke. Well, more like Luke was messaging me, and I was just reading them. He was spamming me with irrelevant topics and lame jokes, forcing me to respond occasionally and tell him to buzz off. It wasn't too bad, though, because he did make me smile a couple of times.
Seriously though, doesn't this sixteen-year-old boy have anything better to do besides spend almost all of his time harassing and hanging out with his pathetic, mute little sister? He has plenty of friends to bug, and he's so naturally likeable and respected. People who aren't his friends want to be. Numerous people are probably queuing up for the opportunity. On other hand, with his controversial hobby of pranks, he's unliked by some, as well.
Ethan eventually found whatever he was looking for on his phone. Either that, or he just gave up on looking. He stuffs it in his jeans' pocket and says, "I was thinking that maybe we could take the food and eat it someplace else and talk. You know, like we used to do when you were younger?"
I stand up, too, nodding as I do. For a split second, I swear a hint of guilt sparked in his eyes, but it could easily have been mistaken. Ethan picks up the bag, and I hold our drinks.
"I say we leave the car in the car park, and we can walk to the park. What do you say?" He suggests, showing me a small, sideways grin.
Him smiling at me is a pretty rare thing in the past years. It's as rare as seeing an astronaut ride a rainbow horse on a purple moon. I gave him a double thumbs up, totally fine with whatever.
"So Jessica, are you still into art?"
*****
I wait for Ethan to get into the car, unsure of what to do.
After Luke texted me, I tried starting a conversation with Ethan, sort of desperate to find a connection with him. The thought of proving Luke wrong was quite tempting, as well. But Ethan replied to my texts with short answers, or sometimes, nothing. He just kept texting on his phone, lost in his own little world. When we were at the park, we both ate in silence. He didn't ask me anything about anything. We had one conversation and that was about my drawings. He asked if I still draw, and I answered him with a nod and text saying,
Me: Yes, I do still draw. A lot actually. I have so many sketches and sketchbooks all over the place in my room.
Me: You should see them.
To that, he just slowly nodded his head in sudden deep thought. The rest of the walk was in silence. I don't know what's wrong with him – I really wish he would open up to me.
Isn't that what siblings are supposed to do?
Ethan starts the car and drives off, sending me a quick smile. I can't tell whether he's smiling because he's happy, or because he wants me to be happy. Or he doesn't know what else to do or say, or maybe he's just happy to finally go home and get away from me.
Even though we all still live under the same roof, I wonder if he is avoiding me. Trying to still be my brother, but maybe he's scared to mess up. Maybe he just can't stand to see my face, like everybody else? Or maybe he's just not interested in getting to know me anymore? Yeah, it's possibly that one. I'm boring. After all, it is pretty difficult to have a conversation with someone like me.
Whenever I run into him or sit beside him, I feel a little awkward, unsure whether I can write to him any time, the way I do with Luke. I feel like a burden, an embarrassment to him.
We stop at a red light and I send Ethan a quick text.
Me: You okay? Is everything all right?
Ethan pulls his phone out of the cup holder and glances at the text before driving off again. He sends me a smile and a shrug, "I'm fine, Jessica. Everything's all right. Was today fun?"
I nod and fabricate my most convincing fake-smile. I want to pester the truth out of him, but if he starts looking at his phone while driving (which I'm surprised he's not doing anyway), I'll be endangering our lives. So, I sink into my seat and keep quiet until we get home. When we pull into the driveway, I instantly text Ethan again.
Me: thanks.
"No problem," Ethan murmurs, already distracted with texting on his phone
I feel stupid for hoping he'd give me more attention. I feel even stupider for hoping he'll want to spend more time with me in the future. I don't even know why he suggested it. He's not spent time with me in ages, why now? It's weird. Out of place.
Nearly falling out of the car, I rapidly slam the door shut, leaving Ethan in the car and hurry to the house. Moments later, I hear his car door open and close. I hold on for Ethan to catch up before ringing the doorbell. I know I've got a key in my sling bag, but it's faster to just ring the bell because no doubt the keys are probably buried right at the bottom.
Ethan is still texting on his phone, lost again. I reach across and turn the screen off, just to tease him a little. His reaction implies that he doesn't think I'm funny. He pulls his phone away from me, gives me an irritated look, and then proceeds to resume texting, now sulking. I hate that I can't talk to him, that I can't find a way to make him talk and open up.
I just want my old big brother back, where we can tease each other without things getting awkward. My eyes start to burn with tears, and I pray the door will open before they spill. Maybe I can escape to my room first.
I'm glad he had time for me today, even if it wasn't as great as it could have been.
Luke opens the door, we rush in, and Ethan closes the door behind us. I leave him standing in the hall, and I go to the living room where Luke is plopping on the couch again. He's been watching The Discovery Channel. There are whales on the TV screen, a man with a monotone voice in the background is giving facts about them. Luke is watching intently, shoving crisps in his mouth. I quickly wipe my eyes and pull out my phone.
I send Luke a text. There's a small, not wholehearted, smile peaking on my lips.
Me: You know too much TV will send you stupid.
Luke instantly checks his phone and then turns around with a grin. He motions for me to take a seat beside him. "How was it? Did you have fun?" he asks unsurely, like it's the wrong question to ask.
I just smile at him, playing with the end of my hair with a halfhearted shrug and nod, because I'm not entirely sure how to answer.
"I'm glad you had fun." He smiles. "By the way, I got Sam to send me that funny video I was talking about the other day." He states as he pulls
back to get his phone. He starts scrolling through his iPhone to find it. "I'm still not going there. I think Sammy's mum is still pissed at me."
Sammy is just like Luke when it comes to comical content they're always finding funny videos, quotes, and memes. He always makes me smile and laugh. They're always coming to our house, and Luke is always going to theirs. Although lately, he doesn't like going to Sam's place because his mum really badly told him off because he forgot to take his shoes off one too many times. He tracked mud all throughout the house. She wasn't pleased at all. Sam being of African descent and of a very religious family, their household works a bit differently. You're meant to take your shoes off at the door at their place.
His mum is always cleaning the house, making sure everything is slick and span. It really annoys and frustrates her when things don't look like they should. His mum is white and his dad is black but we don't talk about his dad. We're not allowed too. I'm not really sure why.
Recently, in the past few years, they've also become like friends to me. They look out for me when my other friends won't. Now ex friends. When those friends dropped me, ignored me like I wasn't even there, and avoided me in hallways and classes like I was contagious, Luke and his friends were there. Luke's friends are true friends. They are loyal, so supportive, and encouraging. You'd be insane not to want friends like them.
Luke leans in and mutters teasingly, "by the way, if you sit here with me, you'll go stupid as well." I just grin at him again.
After a few more minutes, he speaks up again. "There! Got it." He says, handing his phone to me.
Once again, these boys are right. It was of a chicken running around outside of a farmhouse in neon pink underwear. It is running up and down the street clucking continuously. Makes me smile like an idiot. After I watch it the second time, I message Sam, saying "thanks," before handing Luke the phone again.
Ethan comes from the hall, shoes and jacket removed and plops down onto the couch next to me, his eyes still glued to his phone. Big shocker there. I curl up a little closer to Luke and rest my head on his shoulder as he goes back to the TV. It feels like my family keeps drifting further and further apart. And I feel responsible for it, like I caused Ethan to act awkward and my Mum to turn over-protective on me.
Which, if I'm being honest, I probably did.
I think back to the conversation Ethan, Luke, and Mum were having earlier this morning.
Why didn't they want me to hear them? At fifteen, surely I'm old enough to take part in the family discussions. Or maybe they didn't want me there because I can't really take part in a conversation. . .
I'm about to ask Luke about it, when I realise Ethan's put his phone away and is watching the TV with us. I stare at him for a few seconds, a little surprised because I'd expected him to go upstairs or out somewhere else. He turns and gives me a smile and drapes an arm over my shoulders, giving me a one sided hug before looking back at the TV.
Apparently, he's already forgiven me for my little joke.
So, I decide to keep quiet, if only to maintain a little peace and happiness for a while.
Suddenly, my phone buzzes as I receive a text from Emma.
Emma: Heard Ethan spent some time with you today. Did you have fun?
I instantly glance over at Luke and roll my eyes. No big mystery where she 'heard' it from.
Me: Yeah, it was fun.
I'm being vague, and Emma can instantly tell.
Emma: No, it wasn't. What aren't you telling me?
Me: It was fun, just... I don't want to talk about it right now.
Me: I'll tell you later.
I turn my phone off just as her name pops up again. I know that if I leave it on, Emma will carry on texting me until I answer.
"Hey, you're back. Did you have fun?"
Mum comes in with two bowls in her hands, and she puts them down on the table in front of us. One is filled with sugar-coated popcorn, and the other is filled with M&M's. Luke always wants M&M's when we watch TV. He throws a bit of a paddy when he doesn't get any, which is just another part of him being a goofy, funny idiot.
I give Mum a smile and a nod— something I do a lot of nowadays. We all move over a little to make room for Mum. Luke stands up to leave the room, then comes back again with my whiteboard and pen under his arm and a glass of water in his hand. He sits back down after passing me the whiteboard and putting the glass in front of him on the coffee table. I give him a thankful raise of the eyebrows and a smile. I drop the cushion that was from behind his seat on my lap, hugging it. Ethan takes the remote and switches a talent show on instead.
Not that I'm bothered at all. I'm just happy we're behaving like a normal family, even just for the moment.
*****
We are all together sitting in front of the television for the second day in a row. The day is going decently. We watched Iron man 1 and a bit of the second film. These movies, we all have always enjoyed. It's so exciting.
We are bonding a bit, and my family is sharing memories of old while I listen in with a genuine smile plastered on my face. Memories of Luke's old rugby games, one particular case was how he got the entire week of detention for pranking the opposition--but still managed to laugh it off. Rugby is his favourite. Even now that he's been kicked off the team, he still plays with a few old teammates and friends.
Luke's You-Forgot-Mum's-Birthday prank on Ethan when he was 11 was a funny one, and so were Ethan's pranks on Luke back when we were younger and he was being horrible to me. Luke had to develop his interest in pranks from someone, didn't he? The true king of pranks is none other than Ethan himself.
Then, all of a sudden, Luke says something that Ethan doesn't agree with.
"What do you mean?" Luke whispers.
"You know what I just said? That's what I mean." Ethan replies sarcastically.
"What the heck, bro?" Luke responds with a harsh whisper. "You were supposed to tell her. Why didn't you?"
Tell me what? I roll my eyes. They're acting like I'm not sitting right next to them; like I can't hear them. I'm mute, not deaf. Dummies.
I look across the room at Mum in confusion. She's sitting in the armchair with her laptop on her lap, her eyes dead fixed on it. She seems to be oblivious to the whispered conversation going on just across from her.
Grabbing my whiteboard I write,
Do you know what those two are talking about?
She looks up when she sees me hovering in front of her laptop. I show her the whiteboard. She reads it, then gives it back. She doesn't say anything to me and just listens to them talk.
"Whatever. You just tell her." Ethan's got annoyed creases on his forehead.
I sit back down in my seat, watching it all unfold.
"Ridiculous. You are ridiculous. And so stupid!" He scoffs, running his hands through his already messed up hair in clear irritation. "You lost the staring contest! Plus, Mum said you have to." Saying this aloud, no longer whispering anymore. "If only you guys would do things my way."
Tell me what mum?
I show her the board, then rub it off and add:
What's wrong with Luke all of a sudden?
I shove Luke as I hold up the whiteboard. But he ignores me and carries on glaring at Ethan.
She sighs, "I don't know sweetheart," she says with sadness in her voice.
That's when the boys both look at her. Something tells me that she does, in fact, know. There's an uncomfortable silence. They are staring at one another, having a deep conversation with their eyes. Ethan is the first to look away; he looks down. His eyes find their way to his socks as he rubs his feet against the creamy-white carpet. Luke's just staring at him expectantly whereas Mum is looking at him with sympathy.
Sympathy? For what? What's the need for being sympathetic?
After a while, Mum closes her laptop and stands up. She looks at me for a second, then clears her throat. As she leaves the room, her throat irritates her again, and she clears it noisily.
"I need a drink," she calls out as she enters the kitchen.
The moment she leaves the room, Luke and Ethan sigh at the same time.
"Now," Luke says seriously, looking directly at Ethan now. "Tell her now."
I look at him to see what he's talking about. He's looking straight at me now. I'm so confused about what is going on, and I'm beyond ready for someone to just spit it out already. It can't be that bad.
After a second, Ethan swallows. "I was gonna tell you earlier but l, uh, I didn't know when to bring it up. At least, not at the right time," he scratches the back of his neck. "So um," Ethan hesitates some more, "we all have some news, and it's not good news."
"My gosh, you idiot, just spit it out!" Luke almost yells, raising to his feet. "You don't need to be such a damn coward!"
Ethan shakes his head--he can't do it.
Luke comes and sits by me again. He grabs my hand and sighs, looking at me. "Look, he's already told you that it isn't good news," his eyes wander over to Ethan who is still standing by the window. He shakes his head, then his eyes dart back to me. "Jessica, look, it's bad, and it's especially bad that you're only just finding out now. Believe me, I'm equally as upset as you're going to feel. Listen, first, we're always around. We're all here for you. Everyone. Me. Drake. Sam. Mum. Em—"
"Mum's relocating." Ethan cuts him off mid-sentence, "we're moving." He's staring at the long, beige curtains, refusing to make eye contact with me.
What? I must be hearing things. What he's just said can't be true. He's lying. He must be. There's no way we're leaving. We can't leave. We can't move.
I snatch the whiteboard and marker from the table.
What is he talking about? What does that mean?
I scribble down as fast as I can.
Luke reads it and says with a frown, "meaning this house is going up for rent. We'll still own it, but we're moving to a new house near Aunt Camile. Mum wants to open up a firm over there. There's more—apparently, there's more opportunities there. New area. New people. New cases," he tells me gently. I can tell that each word that comes out of his mouth is painfully stabbing at him.
I feel everything around me just stop. There's a million thoughts running through my head right now. We're going to leave the home that I've always known, the only place where I can just be me. When outside this house, I'm only looked at as a freak and an insane kid that wants attention.
What will happen when I leave? I'll just get picked on more for not being able to speak. The same things will happen that happen here. I'll be known as the freak who doesn't talk. Here, at least I have Emma, Drake and Sam. Now I'm going to be all alone. This isn't fair. No one else will want to know me.
"I'm sorry, Jess, I wanted you to know sooner," He places a hand on my shoulder, but I rapidly pull back, shaking my head with disbelief. "Believe me." His eyes stare at me with regret.
I can feel the tears building up in my eyes as I stare at my brothers. Luke's guilty eyes looking back at me, whereas Ethan's not even looking in our direction. Is this the whole reason why Ethan was spending time with me? The only reason? I have to get away from them before they can see something I don't want them to. The river gushes from my eyes.
Immediately, I get up off the sofa. Luke gets up, too, trying to get me to sit back down.
"Sit, Jessie."
My head snaps back to the window. Ethan's looking straight at me now, and he's starting to move from his position there to where Luke and I were sitting.
"Stay Jessica. You— we need to talk about it." He speaks up for the first time since telling me about this horrible moving situation.
I viciously shake my head and forcefully shove them both out of my way before fleeing the room. I waste no time in getting out of that suffocating room. I run up to my bedroom as quickly as I can. My head is in a blurry state, and I almost trip myself while running up.
I bash my baby toe against the stairs, letting out an inward "ouch" while simultaneously mouthing the word. As I continue to run up the never-ending staircase, I can hear them start arguing again. This time very, very loudly and extremely heated. The first person I hear is Luke.
"I'm really hoping you know how much of a real idiot you truly are. God only knows how she must be feeling right now." I imagine Luke standing up or moving seats so he wasn't within touching distance and Ethan still sitting on the coach. "But, as usual, Ethan Graye doesn't give a shit, am I right?"
"I know. Just shut up!" I hear Ethan roar.
Even after I enter my room and shut the door and everything, I can still hear them. I go to the warmth and safety of my beloved bed. I don't cry often or get majorly emotional or majorly over-emotional, but let's just mention, this time, a few tears are released. This is completely and utterly unfair. I don't deserve this. And I most definitely didn't do anything to deserve this. I never hurt anyone and if I had, then it most likely wasn't intentional.
If there's any hurting with the intentions of hurting then it's those insensitive people in school who constantly taunt me behind my brother's back. But him being him, he always has his ways of finding out and gets his revenge on all of them but that doesn't prevent me from still feeling pain from their hurtful, insulting remarks. Everyone at school is just insatiable. Impossible to satisfy or make happy. They keep feeding, and feeding, and feeding, until there is nothing left of me.
Placing my favourite soft blue fluffy blanket on myself, making sure I'm covered and most importantly — comfortable.
"That's the bloody thing." Luke yells, releasing his wrath on Ethan. "You don't know. You don't know because you're never here for her. You're too damn selfish to see what you've done to her. You've made her feel worse about things." There's a brief pause before he starts talking again. "You know what? I should've told her myself. Properly. Unlike you, you stupid fool. This is going to make things worse."
I hear silence for a few minutes.
"Yes, I get it. It's hard. It's hard for everyone but you know who this is going to be the hardest for? Who this is already hard enough for? You know who's gonna have this the toughest?" There's another brief pause. "Her."
Wiping the tears from my face quickly before anymore came down. Trying to stop myself from crying any more tears.
Enough, I don't want to cry anymore.
Crawling under my bed, I get my leather bound sketchbook. It was a present from Alex when I was eleven-years-old.
"Yeah it's hard for you. It's hard for me. It's hard for Mum. It's hard for our friends. God damn it, it's difficult for everyone in our lives. But goddamn it, help her. She's struggling. Talk to her and love he-"
"I do love her. Of course, I d-" Luke gets interrupted and then interrupts Ethan.
As I sit on my bedroom floor, I flick through my sketchbook to a new, fresh page. Taking a few coloured pencils and one normal one from my pot which is normally on my dresser but I left it on my bedside table yesterday when I was doing work from bed.
"Yeah?" Luke asks. "Well, you got a pretty funny way of showing it. Show her. Because the past year or two or whatever, feels like you don't care. You couldn't care less what happens to her. Everyone else knows it's not true but her."
"What the hell? No!"
"It's true, though." Luke is slightly calmer now. But only slightly. "Will you still behave like this in four-and-a-half weeks' time when we're all sitting down in a brand new kitchen and eating breakfast together? Still, never making an effort?"
"Shut your mouth."
"No! I know what she's feeling." There's a long pause. "She might not tell anyone, but I can tell."
I draw thick and thin lines over the page, my face still wet with tears that I keep wiping away. Thick and thin random lines, straight and wonky that are full of sorrow and anger. Sitting on the floor with the book in my lap and the three pencils next to me on the ground. Green and blacks covering the half the page, I can hear them again.
"Why didn't you just tell her when you were out?"
"Because she was happy, I guess, and I didn't want to ruin it for her by saying. . ." The rest of that sentence I couldn't hear.
I feel another sting at my eyes. Thankfully, I just blink them away to prevent anything happening. I refuse to let them fall. One last thing I hear before a loud slam of doors.
"You realise she's not going to be herself for a while, right?"
*****
AUTHORS NOTE
Hi! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know your thoughts.
This was a pretty lengthy chapter than what I was expecting to write.
Some parts were a bit difficult to write but I got through!! Yay!
That was something right?
If you like Marvel movies who's your favourite hero?
For me is 1, Black Widow and 2, Iron Man.
See you next week for another chapter!
Sapphire xo
Here's a cupcake for reading!