It's been two days since the playground incident and I've had mixed feelings about the whole thing ever since. It was like an unspoken rule that we never say his name out loud.
I tapped my pen on the wooden table, my revision books completely forgotten. It was a hard job maintaining my grades, although many seem to think otherwise. Why, I would never know.
But I digress. It seemed that lately, I have been getting more agitated by the day with Derrick's attitude.
He knew better than to say his name in front of me. He knew how much I have hated the sound of that word. It brought way too much memories and I can't seem to do anything to tame these thoughts. They were getting repetitive and as every day passes by, I was slowly losing myself to myself.
They say that the monsters you face are in your head, but they didn't know that these become a part of you. These monsters, they infiltrate you mind, planting a seed of doubt. Then it slowly grows as you water it with the poisoned thoughts. They infuse within your soul and suddenly, you realize that you have become your biggest nightmare.
How do you defeat something that could never be fought?
How do you claim victory over something that has completely taken control?
How do you defeat you?
These thoughts once popped in my head, making it hurt just as much as my heart. It hurts to think that I was a coward in all sense. I couldn't fight Derrick, I couldn't fight Jake and I couldn't fight myself.
Tears pooled in my eyes but I forced myself to keep them in. How many times am I going to cry and then swear to myself I will change, only to fall into that trap once again? When will I stop plunging myself into the vicious cycle that entraps me?
For so long, I'm trying so hard to fight myself and now, I'm just slowly turning into a shell of my dimming soul.
The vibration on my lap snapped me out of my thoughts and I glanced to look at my phone. A small smile slipped onto my face when I saw that it was Derrick, sending me a good morning message even though it was edging more towards afternoon. I had pointed it out to him once, but he merely shrugged it off and said that eleven fifty is considered morning.
Well, technically it is.
I texted out a quick reply back, wishing him a good 'morfternoon'. It was a word I created in order to annoy him and it succeeded its purpose.
Over the course of the two days, I have pondered about the revelation I had during the swinging competition at the park and I decided that I was okay with it. It's not like we were going to be a couple -as much as I want to- and not everyone can be like Jamie Sullivan.
All I hope is that I would be able to find the courage to stand up to Derrick and to myself.
And maybe, just maybe, I could stand up to him.
I refocused my attention back my attention back to work, hoping to distract my thoughts from all this negativity. It was hard, because everything I do, everything I see and everything say has been tainted and graced with him.
It was hard to forget all you have ever known.
But I digress. I busied myself with the questions in front of me than those in my head. Most teenagers tend to hate or dislike math, due to the nature of its questions; solving problems. For me, though, it was my favorite, because those questions have a formula, a system if you may to solve them. There is always an answer.
"Rayla? Rayla!" The pencil fell from my hands as I turned in around in surprise. Slipping my foot into my bunny slippers and tugged my blanket closer to me as I shuffled down the hall. Peeking my head through the banister of the stairway, mother gave me a annoyed glare from beneath.
"Yes mother?"
"Are you following us to bazaar opening for the Winter Carnival? Your father and I are going to go have a look at the area so if you want to join in, get ready."
Biting my lip, my brows furrowed together thoughtfully. Every season, we would have a carnival to help the middle and lower classed income makers. I know for a fact that Mrs. Nolan sells all these unique trinkets there every year.
I feel really bad for her sometimes. Due to her family's reputation, she doesn't get a lot of job opportunities. The only time she ever gets any sort of support from the people in Barnslow is during these carnivals. Her handmade items are just too beautiful to refute.
"Are you coming or not, sweetheart?" I looked down towards and made my decision right there. Giving her a quick nod and a cheeky thumbs up, I ran to my room. In less than five minutes, I got myself ready and hurried down when my mom called out in a teasing tone that she was going to leave me. Putting on my Ugg boots, I gave her a mock glare and she chuckled when I pouted.
A cheery smile made its way to my lips. I felt happy looking at mother who was in a good mood today. Lately, both father and she have been burdened with stress over the elections. Apparently, one of their competitors have gained quite a number of supporters and that worried father to no end, hence making worrying mother as well.
I disliked whenever elections was around because both my parents have their 'political masks' on twenty four seven. Usually, they were more laid back and relaxed, not constantly drowning in paperwork and events.
Even though we barely spend time with one another, I know deep down, we all love one another. Mother's love for father is so strong that she was willing to sacrifice her life for his politics. Father, on the other hand, constantly does sweet things for her, from showering her with gifts to something as simple as making her favorite breakfast.
"Hey, sweetheart." I walked towards my father and he gave a swift kiss on the cheek. Amused at his surprisingly cheerful mood, I gave him an incredulous look.
"Well, someone's in a good mood."
"Yeah, yeah. Things are turning a=out well and I thought maybe we could treat ourselves for today. How does ice cream sound to you?"
My heart swelled with happiness as I saw the smiles on my parents' faces and the loving glances they kept giving to one another. I always thought it was romantic how their love never faded, being in politics. Giving my father a quick nod, I opened the door to the backseats and slid all the way to the corner. I felt the car start up and as I leaned towards the window, I can't help but feel like it was going to be one of the best days I've had in a while.
Just per usual, my thought gravitated to him and my mood soured and at the same time brightened slightly. I tried my best to remember the better days, rather than those that were splashed with pain. Having control over myself was mentally exhausting but I clung on this small piece of rationality I still owned.
I remembered those days where he I would be down in the dumps and he would just sling me over his shoulder and carry me all the way to his car and plop me down rather roughly on the backseat. Then, he would drive all the way to my favorite ice cream shop at the opposite end of the town. I would order a three scoop ice cream, cookie dough, rainbow sherbet and cookies and cream. He would order just two scoops, the flavors always changing every time we come here and he would add all the toppings.
A particular incident sparked my memory and a melancholic smile made its way to my lips.
"Now you want to tell me what's wrong, Raynbow?" I pouted at his blackmail and glanced longingly and at my bowl of ice cream in his hands. I didn't want to tell him because it would make him upset and I hated seeing him upset.
But messing with my ice cream? He and his feelings may take a ride down to hell for all I care.
"Fine. But hand me over my ice cream first," I demanded, thrusting my hands out expectantly. He rolled his eyes before handing me the bowl of frozen goodness.
"So basically, Georgina and Henry got into a fight and know Georgina won't talk to me and I have no idea why." He gave me disbelieving look for a few seconds before bursting into laughter.
"What?" I said indignantly, placing a scoop of ice cream in my mouth.
"Are you seriously getting worked up over the fact that your good friend doesn't want to talk to you? Raybear, you're already fourteen. You can't go around feeling upset if someone doesn't want to be your friend," he said, making air quotes at the end.
"It's not that!" I protested. "It's the fact that I've done something wrong and I don't what is it. I hurt her feelings and that means I have to apologize."
He put his spoon down and looked up to me with a soft look in his eyes.
"Ray, just because someone doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't mean you're wrong. It's not always your fault, okay," he said with a gentle tone. "Besides, all you need is me."
I snorted at his words before playfully punching his arm.
"Yeah right Jake. We both know you're not that important to me."
How wrong I was. If there was one thing that he could prove now is that he single handedly had the influence to turn my world apart and rip it to absolute shreds.
I felt the car come to a stop and took off my seatbelt. Hopping out of it, a wave of nostalgia invaded me. I stopped visiting the ice cream after the incident and if I had known that it felt this good to just come back, I would have done it earlier.
"Rayla! Oh honey, it's been so long since I've seen. How is Jake doing by the way?" I swallowed the harsh stab pain that plunged in my heart and forced out a smile.
"Mrs. Grimwald, it's nice to see you too. He-he's doing absolutely fine."
"Oh, that's absolutely great. I miss having that cheeky boy around here, always trying to weasel his way into getting extra toppings. I do hope Paris is treating him well."
"Yes, I hope so too," I said with a soft smile.
"Oh! Silly me, what would you like darling? How about your usual? This one is on the house," she exclaimed, giving me a warm hug. I nodded my head and rattled off my parent's orders as well.
Mrs. Grimwald was like a grandma to him and I. She was a short, plump old woman whose personality is as warm as her smile. She has an obsession for hugs, one that I did not mind but it bugged him to no end.
Once she handed me the ice creams, I gave her a warm smile and thanked her. She forced me to promise that I would visit her sometime soon and I laughed saying that I would if I had the time.
And the courage, I thought to myself.
Getting inside the car, I handed my parent's orders to them and ate mine at the back happily. The sweet and sour taste of the sherbet prickled my taste buds, making me moan in delight. Mother chuckled at my reaction whilst father merely shook his head at me.
We made our way to the bazaars when my father finished his ice cream. Glancing at my watch, I nervously hoped that Derrick would be there to help his mother out. During the past years, he usually did along with his twin sister, Arielle.
Excitement bubbled within me at the prospect of seeing him, even though I knew that I would be seeing him tonight. I had to admit, our late night or early morning meet ups were taking a toll on my sleeping schedule but, after almost a week and half, I was getting used to it.
Once my dad parked, I tried my best not to show my excitement, although the twinkle in my eyes gave it away. Derrick was right; I'm an open book.
"It's always adorable to see how excited Rayla get over these carnivals," my mother let out a laugh. "Honey, do you remember the time where she burst into tears when she was five because we told her that the carnival had to close up? She cried so hard that she fell asleep on your shoulder."
My father burst into laughter, obviously reminiscing at my embarrassing childhood stories.
"Mother!" I exclaimed, pouting playfully, before laughing with them.
We made our way together to the stalls, going through the first few ones together. My father then announced that we could go our separate ways, since our interests differs. Father straight went to the food section, being the food lover he is, and mother immediately disappeared to one of the stalls that sold home décor items.
Well, me on the other hand, I had to control myself from running towards the Mrs. Nolan's stall. I brisk walk all the way to the end, where her stall is located and tried my best to not just squeal in excitement when I saw Derrick unloading items from the minivan.
Every time I see him, I turn into this gooey mush like a thirteen year old girl whose crush spoke to her.
I pretend to not see him and his flexing muscles and perused the items on display instead. It was hard, but I managed. Mrs. Nolan, who was beside Derrick turned around and her eyes widened with delight when she saw me.
"Rayla, it's always a pleasure to see you. Are your parents here?" The slim middle aged woman engulfed me in a hug and I did the same. I was one of her regular customers, seeing that I was in love with everything she made.
Well, that sounded wrong.
I nodded at her and pointed towards the direction my father went. She gave me another hug before stating that she had to verify some of the paperwork regarding the rental with my father. I gave her a smile and waved as she walked past me. Turning back towards the minivan, I saw Arielle helping Derrick carrying the boxes. In the spur of the moment, I walked up to them, catching both them and me with surprise.
"Need some help?"
Both Arielle and Derrick turned around to face, shock on both their faces at my offer.
"N-No, it's fine Rayla. We've got it covered," Arielle replied when Derrick didn't. I looked at the amount of boxes on the ground and gave them a teasing smile.
"I'm pretty sure an extra hand wouldn't hurt," I insisted.
Where was this confidence coming from?
Must have been that darned ice cream.
She looked at Derrick for a few seconds before reluctantly nodding her head. Grinning, I moved around Derrick to pick up one of the smaller boxes and started stacking them up like they were doing. I was aware of Derrick's occasional stare but I merely brushed it off.
I felt a tap on my back and saw Arielle come up to me with a tentative smile.
"I'll give you a hand yeah? Mine are done anyway." I nodded at her and we both started stacking them up together.
Arielle and I had never been close due to the fact that we have never crossed paths before. I had always known that she was a nice girl, soft spoken and tad shy. I heard from around that she had only one friend and even though she was considered an outcast, many boys still pined for that green eyed blonde. She was a massive contrast to her brother appearance wise as she took more of her mother's features whilst Derrick was much more like his father.
Another rush of confidence came towards me and I sparked up a conversation with her, asking how school was. At first she smiled and gave me vague answers, but after a few more questions, we both slowly started opening up to one another.
By the time both of us were done, it was like we had instantly clicked. We were a far cry from being best friends, that's for sure, but she was a pleasant person to hold a conversation with. She could hold intelligent conversations and even when our opinions differ, she accepted it with an open mind.
"Personally, I thought that the author could have approached the conflict in a different manner by maybe adding a bit more description," she stated, her hands flying around wildly with gestures as she gave her two cents about the current book she was reading. She was cut off midway at the sound of someone clearing their throat. We turned around and saw Derrick, who was sweating slightly and had his hands jammed into his pockets.
"Oh, uh, I need to go help mom set up the stall. See you guys later," Arielle said, stumbling over her words before rushing away from us. It suddenly became awkward around us and I could feel the tension of his gaze.
"What are you doing here, Belle?"
Okay, so he called me Belle. Surely he's not that angry, right?
"Oh, mother asked me to come along since I've always like the bazaars. I remembered that your mother sets up a stall here too, so I decided to drop by."
Why do I get this annoyed vibe from him? Was I being too clingy?
"Yeah, well, thanks for your help, Ray, but you should leave. It's not that I don't want you here, but we're really busy right now."
My heart crushed at his words. I kept a cheery smile on my face in effort to make it seem like I wasn't upset or anything. Nodding my head, I waved him goodbye.
"Sorry, Derrick, I didn't mean to impose. I'll see you tonight?" I asked, hoping that he was going to yes. He nodded but his face was a blank slate.
I walked away from the stall and with every step; I felt my heart break a little.
-
I tapped my foot against the wooden floor, nervously waiting for the brunette boy to barge into the café. I flicked my wrist and realized that it was already two fifteen. My heart suck even lower and I lifted my eyes towards the door once again, only to be disappointed.
Was he standing me up? Did I come off as too clingy this morning?
I felt all these negative thoughts seep into my conscience like some sort of poisonous gas. I almost got ready to leave nut then, I heard the bell tinkling. My eyes snapped up towards the door and I sighed with relief when I saw a smiling Derrick walking towards me.
I felt happy every time I see him but at the same time, I felt sad because he reminded me of how much of a coward I was and how I was just a secret.
He took a seat on the chair opposing mine and apologized for being late. I waved it off, not minding it at all. We started telling each other about our days like we usually do.
As I was listening intently to a story he was telling me, he suddenly quietened and I frowned.
"Do you want to get out of here?"
My confusion escalated at his weird question.
"What, why?"
He glanced towards the barista before whispering to me.
"That barista is a famous gossipmonger in my school. He might spread it around that we're hanging out."
Maybe it was the fact that I felt like he was tainting our tradition, but something within me snapped at his words.
Fuming, I took my phone and gave him a cold smile.
"Really? Wow, of course that can't happen, right? you know what, I should get out of here and just walk straight back home."
And with that, I strode out the door. The anger I had within me was so overwhelming, it's unbelievable.
The minute the harsh breeze hit me, the realization of my actions sunk in.
I just stood up to Derrick.
On one hand, I felt a soaring feeling inside for standing up for myself but on the other, my heart ached at the fact that I'm going to lose him.
It was like a waging war inside me.
I felt depressed and elated at the same time.
I made my way robotically to a bench nearby and plopped down, in a daze. I felt tears stream down my face, but I made no effort to wipe them away.
For once, I felt like I deserved to cry and once again, that made me hate myself.
Why am I always harming myself? When will self hatred stop? Does it ever stop?
"Rayla!" My eyes snapped up and I quickly scrubbed my tears away. Derrick was the last person I wanted to see me crying.
"I'm sorry, but I'm in rush so we'll catch some other time?" I said in my most fake pleasant tone, knowing he hates it when I put my act on.
"Don't. Listen to me first, Belle. You've got it all wrong."
I gaped at him incredulously.
"Wow. So you came here just to say that I'm wrong? Don't waste your time. "
"Ray-"
"Don't you 'Ray' me," giving him a warning glare, I continued. "What? is being seen with me that embarrassing?"
Suddenly, it was like I had epiphany and I gasped, staggering a few steps back.
"This is because if Jake, isn't it? you guys were never friends in public and I- I'm just an outlet for revenge," I said, my voice slow. "Were you ever friends with either of us?"
My voice turned to a whisper in the end and I saw his eyes widening at my words.
"Rayla-" he took a step forward but stopped when he saw me taking a step and a whimper escaped me.
"Look, you've got it wrong. The reason why I avoided you in public was because I thought you were embarrassed to be seen with me."
"What,why?" My mind reeled in shock at his words. Why would I be ashamed to be seen with him?
He scoffed, a bitter sound the resonated in the night.
"I'm the town outcast remember? Damn Belle, I get it, I'm your secret."
Once my mind registered what he said, the anger inside me multiplied.
"Do you really think that low of me? Wow, Derrick, not once have I ever discriminated someone based on social status."
"Ray, I just didn't want you to get into trouble. Besides, it's kinda hypocritical for you say that when you thought the exact same thing."
Guilt crept into me as I realized the truth of his words.
"I'm sorry, Derrick," my voice subdued. He seemed to calm down slightly, but then I spoke up once again.
"What about today?" my voice was still subdued as I continued. "You asked me to leave as if I was annoying you or something."
He took a few steps forward to me and held my shoulders.
"I know you. You're the type to play nice even if you feel ashamed. I didn't want you to feel obligated that's all."
I bit my lip as the guilt inside me increasingly grew by the minute.
"I'm sorry, Derrick. Really I am. It's just I hated how I would actually be okay with it if you did treat me like a secret."
"You're right. You shouldn't be. I'm sorry too, Belle."
We kept mum for what seem to drag on for hours until I heard a chuckle for Derrick. I looked up to him questioningly and he gave me a crooked smile.
"We're just a couple of mess ups aren't we?"
-
a/n hey guys I hope you like the chapter and I hope this book is rushed out? please tell me your thoughts anyways kays? oh and thank you so much for the sweet comments and votes I've gotten. Love you all whee