It's been one solid month.
Fortunately, of only improvement.
Slow improvement, but improvement was progress nonetheless.
Things got easier for Mark, with all the help and love his members give him.
Yugyeom wishes he could say the same for himself.
It's all going well, it's all okay up until when Yugyeom goes to sleep and the thoughts of what happened that day go through his head.
His days normally consist of feeding Mark and maybe cuddling with him. Sometimes, it's of him helping Mark calm himself after he's thrown up.
And he doesn't mind doing that, as said before, Yugyeom loves Mark and wants to do anything to help him recover.
But when he's away from Mark and everyone else, he has to will himself to not give into his panic attacks which, lately, don't seem to leave him alone.
And he's grateful that he's not away from them often, normally everyone is with one person at least.
Plus, lately, at least one of Yugyeom's hyungs would be with him at all times.
At first, he didn't understand why.
But then, he figured it out. If his hyung thought they were being discreet and stuff, they were wrong.
Of course he pieced together why there's someone always leeched to him, it's kind of obvious now that he looks back on it.
In this vulnerable time for everyone, no one wants Yugyeom falling into old habits. Especially when Mark just went through it. It was like opening a part of his brain and emotions which have been locked since 2015, a dark place.
And perhaps he's grateful for his overbearingly protective hyungs to get in the way, for them to always be with him so his panic attacks were kept to a minimum. Perhaps he liked how they served as a distraction. And perhaps he hated how he thought of his hyungs as only a distraction.
When the next morning rolls around, instead of waking up next to his Mark hyung, Yugyeom is very much surprised to be in Youngjae's arms. Not that he's complaining, but an explanation would be nice.
He remembers falling asleep on the couch in the living room at some time in the early hours of the morning.
"You're awake?" Youngjae asks, and without even looking, Yugyeom nods. "Alright. You remember anything from last night?"
Now, that was an odd question for Youngjae to ask, if Yugyeom was being honest. I mean, what happened last night? It's not like something significantly large happened, it's been the same routine for weeks on end.
"Yeah, why?" The younger asks casually, missing the way Youngjae frowns. Granted, Yugyeom wasn't facing him to begin with.
"No you don't," Youngjae mumbles, tapping Yugyeom's cheek and urging him to turn around. "You're a liar."
Squirming in Youngjae's hold, Yugyeom tries to free himself.
"Am not," he protests, which earns him a flick to the forehead.
"I am small, but I am not stupid," Youngjae says sternly, holding the maknae's chin between his thumb and pointer finger before keeping his head locked in his direction. "Spill."
Youngjae was giving Yugyeom a chance, a chance for the latter to explain himself without having to be pried open. He was giving Yugyeom a chance to admit everything, but it seemed as if Yugyeom wasn't going to take that chance.
"Spill what?" He asks, now training his eyes on Youngjae's chin. Anywhere but the elder's demanding eyes.
Not that Yugyeom was scared of his Youngjae hyung, it's just that... He could be scary when he wanted to, and it seemed like he wanted to right now.
"Really?" Youngjae scoffs, and his tone makes something ugly settle in Yugyeom's stomach. "Spill."
When Yugyeom continues to keep quiet for the next few seconds, Youngjae humourlessly chuckles before jerking the younger's head in his direction.
"Alright Gyeommie," Youngjae sighs. "Tell me why you were shaking and crying on the couch at 2:00am?"
Now, Yugyeom didn't really want to talk about that, and he didn't really need to talk about that. It truly didn't matter, since it wasn't that big of a deal.
He's used to it anyways.
"Nightmare—"
But Youngjae was smarter than that. Of course Youngjae was smarter than that.
"Panic attacks," Youngjae says blandly, treating the subject like it was simply just an ordinary topic. "They're back?"
Choosing to once again leave the question unanswered, Yugyeom clears his throat and tries to look up to the ceiling, looking anywhere but Youngjae's eyes.
The elder's eyes now look intimidating, and Yugyeom would rather not stare into those orbs.
"So they are," Youngjae laughs humourlessly, trying to hide how angry and hurt he was.
It was kind of ridiculous how he was basically having this conversation with Yugyeom by himself, seeing as the latter wasn't speaking and wasn't answering his questions. It was also kind of ridiculous how Youngjae was getting all the right answers to his questions.
It's not like Yugyeom was that open of a book, was he?
But Youngjae wasn't someone closed off either.
For Yugyeom, it was easy to read the elder.
From his tone, the maknae could tell that Youngjae was angry and annoyed.
But when he dared to look into his eyes, Yugyeom knew that Youngjae was hurt.
Hurt because Yugyeom had hid this, and didn't bother to tell anyone.
Hurt because Yugyeom has been told to always tell his hyungs when things weren't going the best.
Hurt because he kind of expected Yugyeom to having a rough time while they were all fussing over Mark, but he also expected Yugyeom to tell someone.
"It's not always about you," Youngjae says, removing his hand from Yugyeom's chin and putting it on the back of his head. "Not everything is about you."
Yugyeom doesn't know where this conversation was going, but he does know that Youngjae is right.
Yugyeom knows that not everything is about him, and that's why he tries to draw the least amount of attention to himself.
Always keeping to himself and never complaining about trivial things, Yugyeom tries to keep himself under the radar.
But that doesn't mean that sometimes he's allowed to be spot on the radar.
"I know that," the maknae whispers with a frown. "That's why I didn't say anything."
Youngjae smiles lightly at that, he knows that that's why Yugyeom kept things to himself.
But it's ridiculous.
If there was a problem, then there was a problem, regardless of who's it was.
"But if things need to be about you, then they can," Youngjae assures, pressing a light kiss to Yugyeom's forehead. "If you need attention, if you need care, if you need love, Gyeom, don't hesitate to ask."
Yugyeom keeps quiet at that, not that Youngjae expected anything else.
Yugyeom didn't voice what he wanted all the time, but that didn't stop his hyungs from understanding what he wanted.
Maybe Yugyeom might've rambled on and on to Youngjae about what has been going on for the few weeks, about his panic attacks, flashbacks and all of that.
Maybe Youngjae might've held him and consoled him and told him that it was fine as long as he let someone know.
And maybe Yugyeom would remember those words of advice this time, even if he has a habit of forgetting.
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this actually might be the nth time i'm promoting myself in this book, but follow me on ig @ strawberryookihyun to keep up with my spreads :)