ZACH
Songfic
Song: Shake It Out Glee Version
I really need to let it out, how you may ask? You have Jack! You might be thinking. While that may be true, nothing fixes problems like food... yes I'm Anorexic I just feel like no one can really understand me? Y'know? The only thing that I feel does is food. See, I've always had this relationship with food that's always been unhealthy and painful. I don't want to do this to myself , but I feel like it's the only thing that actually listens to me for real, I sound insane, I know. It's just always been there for me. It just gets me, I don't know I've-I've always thought I was fat and everything I was doing like eating out was only making me fatter. I want to be skinny, I feel really really fat and I've always been super subconscious, we all have our flaws...and that's mine. (A/n If you're confused on how Anorexia works I'll go farther into it just read more)
I wake up feeling like crap, I roll out of bed, remembering that spent the night with Jack again. I feel that aftermath of my stomach grumbling because I haven't eaten in days, I hate that I feel this way, but I feel like it's a burden. I have this mindset that I need to be thin.
I get dressed and head out the door for a morning run before Jack and the boys wake up, "You need to burn off these 300 calories you ate in that cookie the other day!" I say as I close the door behind me, the brisk, cold, morning air hitting my face as I step out of the house. I start my run as thoughts like "You need to go on this run to stay thin and slim!" "You are to fat and people will look at you weird if you don't shave off this fat!" I say to myself picking up my pace to a full on sprint as the harsh cold wind swiftly brushes past my face. "People hate you, they think you're worthless all because of your weight!" By now, I've forgotten where home is, at this point I don't care! I just let these thoughts come and go. "Everything you eat is fattening, that cookie, those chips, that pizza! It's all fattening, fat you don't need but eat anyways!" I think out loud, holding my head in my hands furious of what I've become, "You're way too big! No wonder you wear baggy clothes!" This one finally broke me, I turn around sprinting home, not caring that my legs want to give up. "The boys, they don't love you, they just do it to make you feel happy because they don't want to hurt you! Jack doesn't love you! It's all a ruse!!"
As I said this tears started flowing down my ace uncontrollably, occasionally tasing the salty tear I bust open the front door and storm up to my room, as I head there I see I look of shock and worry on the boys' faces. Most of all being present on Jack's, it caused me to farther sob and loose it, him actually acting actually hurt me instead of provoking the usual happiness everyone else feels. Well I'm not normal so...I guess it fits, I laugh to myself as all of this runs through my head. Soon I reach my room slamming the door as hard as I could not even caring, like it could fall off the hinges at any moment. Knowing Jack, he would come storming into my room trying to fix me and fix my problems, the truth is he can't. He can fix everything else except this-this is who I am!
"I'm the tiny, small, worthless, gay, anorexic, pathetic, 16 year old! God!" I say with such anger that I'm bursting at the seams. Little did I know, Jack was standing in the doorway that led him to his fate and soulmate that was now broken and beyond repair. I hear soft footsteps, not thinking anything of it, I see Jack walking towards me as I slowly turn my head. Him equally hurt that this is me: the Anorexic gay, sad, depressed, teen. The happy, spunky, fun, 16 year that he fell in love with on that fateful day? That's all gone.
Jack doesn't say anything, he doesn't have to, his eyes the beautiful coco (idk if that's right ok?) eyes I get lost in every second I'm with him shattered. They lost their sparkle, he just looks so-so puzzled yet destroyed at the same time. "Why? Why?" He finally speaks up through the tears causing his face to turn red and inflamed from it. "You don't need to change for anybody! Ok?!" He says yelling because he's a mix of angry, hurt, and upset. "You are perfect!" He says, this time with a calm, caring, and sweet tone, letting me know I'm appreciated despite what I may think. He truly cares about me and would never leave me, and I love him for it!
"I love you, you perfect human you!" I tilt my head a cheeky smile as I do, we start burst into uncontrollable laughter. I sneak him a quick peck, "You are so cute oh my god, I love you!" He says with a chuckle caressing my check staring into my eyes as we both soon find ourselves lost and immersed in each other's worlds. "Baby?" "Mhh?" I say questioning where this is going, "So since we both have our struggles, and I love Glee and live for it, I thought I should share something with ya?" (I'm sorry I miss Glee true loml ugh it hurts just talking ab it RIP Corey you will be missed dearly) I shake my head in agreement almost coming to tears because I know what's coming next.
PLAY NOW
Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way, and all of the ghouls come out to play...
Every demon wants his pound of flesh, but I like to keep somethings to myself, But I like to keep my issues drawn, it's always darkest before the dawn,
And I've been a fool and I've been blind, and I can never leave the past behind, see no way, I can see no way
And I'm always dragging that horse around...
By now I have my hand over my mouth not believing how real and vulnerable he is right now and how in tears we both are as he sings his heart out. As I listen as my breath constantly gets hitched due to the fact that I'm overcome with so many emotions at the moment.
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground so I like to keep my issues drawn, it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, oh
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out , shake out it, oh
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off, oh
And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn, it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, oh
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out , shake out it, oh
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off, oh
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, and if given, I would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance, but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned If I do, and I'm damned if I don't, so here's the drinks in the dark at the end of my row
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope, It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me,
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
But what the hell, I'm going to let it happen to me
After he finishes that verse he's in tears and his face red and puffy from it.
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, oh
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out , shake out it, oh
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off, oh
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, oh
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out , shake out it, oh
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off, oh
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JACK
I finish the last lyric and just hug him, not wanting to ever let go. "Baby I love you so much, it hurts me!" I say chuckling at the pun I made without thinking as the words left my mouth. "Honey...I know..." he says with a look of calm warmth present in his eyes.
"Rosy, I get what you're going through I really do... you aren't in this alone you have me..." I say tearing up at the act that this was happening all behind my back and that he didn't have the nerve to talk to me, or approach me and discuss it. "Zach, why didn't you talk to me about it at all?" "Y'know I'm here right? For anything?" I say looking straight into his eyes making sure that he gets the message. "Yeah babe, it's just hard..." he says choking on his words with worry and disappointment in his voice, "I-I just I've-I've always been subconscious about my weight and how I look, not for you or anyone else; but for me!" He says fighting the tears welling in his eyes. "Baby...oh baby, you are perfect and you need to realize what I see in you for yourself because I see a strong, funny, charismatic, outgoing, gorgeous, quirky, adorable person sitting in front of me who I cherish and adore!" I say trying to get him to see his worth and how loved he is.
"Thanks baby, during all this I've felt like I've lost myself. So many sleepless nights crying myself to sleep over how fat I am. So thanks, thanks for keeping me grounded during all this." He says as the tears cascade down his face as if they have been building up for years. "Rosy it's ok, I'm here, we'll get through this together ok?" After I say this to bring him some closure and remind him that he isn't alone in this fight.
"Babe, we will get through together ok? I love you and you can always talk to me, about anything no matter how big or small remember that." I say to make sure that he knows that I'll be there for him.
———————————————————————————
ZACH
As he comforts me and soothes me, I just can't help but think negative thoughts, my mind constantly at war with itself.
(This part is not mine it belongs to jazzy_baldo book Anorexic, so thanks love for the inspo!)
You're such a disappointment
I know
You're such a freak
I know
You're such a screw up
I know
You're so fat
I-I know
"Just-Just stop!" I scream in Jack's face, angry at myself for whatever the hell I'm doing. At this point I don't even know who I am! I look into his that are filled with disbelief and shock, he looks appalled that I would do such a thing. On top of that, behind that shock, is fear. Fear of the monster I've become. Those thoughts me being fat, a screw up, a disappointment, a freak are all true! I run out the room and out into the crisp, cold, night air that hits my face and brushes past my ears.
I just run, run away from reality and my disgusting life. Running, that's what I do best I run away from all my problems! All the sudden I'm snapped back into the harsh reality I live in by Jack calling me, probably to check on me. "Where are you? Are you ok? Babe...please answer me!" I hear as I put the phone up to my ear his voice breaking more and more. I don't even respond I just hang up as I stand there in shock on the side walk at the dead of night, dropping my phone on the pavement not realizing I'd done so due to the fact that I'm in pure shock of what I've done. Then it all finally hits me as I break down falling to my knees with my head in my hands sobbing uncontrollably as it rings throughout the neighborhood.
A/n Wow ok...that's all I can't take it my heart is breaking! AND IM WRITING IT AHHH! Oh btw this is pre-written don't hate me, k bye
WC: 2201