Not knowing what else to do to stop the zombie outbreak, the authorities finally implemented the quarantine that Dr. Meyer had proposed months ago. Better late than never, I guess. Everyone was confined to their homes for an entire month, enforced by the National Guard. (And if you're wondering how the homeless fared during this quarantine, you're very much alone.) This was not a popular move, so the authorities tried to rebrand it as a "staycation" which fooled approximately nobody.
Below is a sampling of people's experiences and opinions about the quarantine.
——————————-
Andrea Fiddler, 26
Party Planner
Can we please do something about those HazMat suits? I mean if they're going to tell us to Stay calm and Don't panic! maybe — I don't know — they shouldn't dress up like space aliens? I mean — I don't know — I guess I get why the soldiers need them, but they scared the C-R-A-P out of my kids! Why can't the HazMat suits be more — I don't know — light-hearted and fun? It can't be that hard to make HazMat suits, that look like — I don't know — beloved animated characters. A soldier in a HazMat suit lighting you up with a laser sight? That's terrifying. But — I don't know — Dory from Finding Nemo or Olaf from Frozen doing it? That's good clean family fun!
——————————-
Braden Gerhard, 39
Unemployed
The quarantine wouldn't be so bad if they let us go outside once in a while. But being trapped in my studio apartment twenty-four-seven is boring A.F. And it makes me feel like a criminal, you know? Granted, I am a criminal, but that doesn't mean I want to feel like one.
——————————-
Nina Norton, 51
Optician
Apparently, our local TV station has a weird sense of humor because they decided to run a marathon of, yes, zombie movies throughout the quarantine! It was a bad, bad idea, and not just for the obvious taste reasons. Because when you watch enough back-to-back zombie flicks you start to notice a pattern, which is, Quarantines never, ever work! Which I guess makes sense, because they did work they'd have a really short movie. But it definitely didn't inspire confidence. Especially when a few days into the marathon, the host was eaten alive by what appeared to be a zombie cameramen, a zombie makeup artist and a zombie producer. Which was horrifying, but still better than what the other channel was showing, which was re-runs of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I literally would rather listen to a human being shrieking as a zombie tore out his jugular vein with his teeth than listen to Heather Dubrow's god-awful Long Island rasp.
——————————-
Phillip Böhm, 28
Truthfully, I wasn't looking for a relationship. I'm all about the hit-it-and-quit-it. And yeah, sneaking out at night has led to some awkward moments, but not nearly as awkward when I discovered that this chick's building was surrounded by razor wire and I'd have to stay in her one-room apartment for a whole month! It was a really different experience for me. Not only did I learn her name — Tanya Tamsyn Honeycutt — I also learned the names of all of her family members, childhood pets, ex-boyfriends and every fucking Troll Doll in her collection. We intend to marry in the fall, if we're not all dead by then.
——————————-
Pamela Stojanovic, 34
Marketing Director
Spending so much time in isolation really makes you take a long, hard look at yourself. In my heart of hearts, I truly believed that I could eat Top Ramen three meals a day, every day, and never get tired of it. But you know what? I did.
——————————-
Jonas Sinclair, 43
Lab Technician
So, um, yeah, I kind of locked myself out of my house. Stupid, right? Would you believe that was the first time I've ever done that? Talk about bad timing, ha-ha! Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be outside, I just needed to pop out for a quick second. Wanted to see if my new issue of Oprah Magazine had been delivered. I like to read it in the bath tub. Which is where I was planning on going next. That's why I'm just wearing this towel. So if you could help me out here, I'd really appreciate it. Uh, no, actually, I don't have any I.D. on me. I'm just wearing a towel, as was previously established. Yes, I understand you can't let me in without I.D., but if you'd let me in the house you'd see that I do have I.D. Don't you see? This is a Catch-22. I can't go into the house until you see my I.D., but you can't see my I.D. until I go into the house. We can literally go around and around on this forever, but the only way this is going to be solved is if you stop mindlessly following orders like a good German and actually think for yourself. Ow! Ow! Come on, quit it! Ow! OK, fine. I'll find someplace else to go. But could you at least give me back my towel?
——————————-
Sunny Genesis, 38
Kale Farmer
Hey, man, we had no quarrel with the whole "quarantine" thing. It's the prudent thing to do. But what the members of our eco-village strenuously object to is the idea that we need to rely on outside authority. In fact, the entire reason we started Fourier Pines was to prove that people are capable of self-organization and self-regulation without being physically threatened with force by an external authority. We sent the National Guard away and, instead, trusted our residents to self-report any signs or symptoms they experienced that was consistent with the zombie infection, for the good of the community. It didn't work. I'm the only non-zombie left. Please get me the hell out of here!
——————————-
Name and age withheld
Looter
I don't mean to brag, but I do consider myself something of a looting connoisseur. I've done pretty much all the important loots — from the sultry, soulful blackout in New York City to the righteous rage-filled rebellion in Los Angeles to the Latte Slurping Yuppies in Seattle. But it's not just about the big loots. I loved the smaller, more intimate loots too, when a town was abandoned after a flood or an Oakland Raiders game. This is my passion. This is my art. But it's been a long time since I've gotten my loot on. I had to leave the Las Vegas protests because of an injury. It's nearly impossible to carry a large-screen TV by yourself when you've pulled a muscle in your groin. (Remember: You should always stretch before you loot!) And a few days after the robots attacked, I did steal a shopping cart full of canned goods, a hockey mask and a fish tank filled with weed killer and some uninflated beach balls. I tried to tell myself that I was looting, but deep down, I knew I was just scavenging. To be real with you, I thought my looting days were behind me. But then I heard about the quarantine! With citizens forced off the streets and law enforcement spread thin, this was my chance! I looked at myself in the mirror. Do I have one more loot in me? My reflection had gray hair and wrinkled skin, but in his eyes there was still that old looting spirit. So I'm going. Can I bring you back anything?
——————————-
Muriel Severin, 24
Dog Walker
Oh, it is an amazing time to be a licensed dog-walker! Usually, I'm looked down on, but now I stride the earth like a colossus! Why? Because half of the population owns a dog, and none of their owners are allowed out of their residences. But we are! Talk about your captive market! What's that you say? Charging a hundred bucks a dog per hour is really steep? Well, you know what else will be really steep? The mountain of dog shit in your living room! Hahahahahahaha! Pay up, bitches! Get it? Get it? What? You don't think that's funny? Fine. Now it's two hundred bucks per dog per hour! Hahahahahahaha!
——————————-
Private Steven Smarslok, 25
National Guardsman
I see you. I see the way you look at me. I see the fear in your eyes, the tremble in your hands. But I'm not the enemy here. I'm not a monster. Behind this polyethylene faceplate is a living, breathing person, just like you. With hopes and dreams for the future like anyone else. And if you saw me when I was off duty, I bet you'd be surprised how friendly I am. I do card tricks, I paint — landscapes, mostly — I grow award-winning radishes. So sweet you'd think that they're candy. But... I also have a job to do. And that job is protecting you, the public, from the scourge of the un-dead. And yes, sometimes that means threatening you with my M16A2 rifle that I've named Katarina. Such a good girl! Or cracking you in the head with a riot baton. And sometimes, I use unkind words. But please understand that when you're, say, an expectant mother and I'm screaming at you to GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR HOUSE, LADY! DO YOU HEAR ME! GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE OUR I WILL SHOOT YOU AND YOUR FETUS IN YOUR RESPECTIVE HEADS! it is because I want to keep you and your precious baby safe. It's because I care.