Sophie doesn't say a word to me once we are in the tube to head back home. She puts on her headphones and listens to her music like she usually does. I guess I wanted to chat today, because I feel a bit left out. I wanted to tell her about the idea that I had given to Edith and how well it got received. I feel like she might see me differently now. She might have disliked how I stood up to her for my contract, but it was for the good of her son. Now, it's for the good of the company. In any way I want to do her wrong. I hope she knows that. With my current secret relationship with Marcel, I really want her to like me. Steeve's mum thought of me as a daughter and I want something similar with her. I want a good relationship, I don't think it's too much to ask.
I put on my headphone as well and see the text Ash seems to have sent me earlier. Before I read it, I decide to put their album on repeat to listen to on the way home. I click on his name once the sound of Lucas' voice fills my ears. I can't believe how fucking good they are. It makes me that much excited to call them my friends. I love their music. It gets my heart pounding with every stump Ashley does on his drum.
Ash: It's called the "Outlander". It was the tastiest shit I have ever eaten. The patty was a mix of wild meat with two sorts of cheese and so much garnish I can't single them out. It was delicious.
I smile to the screen. I am so hungry right now and reading all that gets me starving. I respond to him immediately.
Me: I am definitely jealous.
I am not hoping for a response, I took so much time to reply, but I am pleasantly surprised to feel my phone vibrate as I was singing his solo in my head wishing I could have seen them perform again, but without any drama this time.
Ash: I wish you could have joined us.
This text makes me smile terribly wide. I can't believe how quickly we have bonded. I have known him for a bit more than two months now, but it's as if we have known each other our whole life. It's just so easy with him. Sure we don't have the same interests at all, but he is an amazing guy. He is funny and I feel incredibly at ease in his company. It's the same for the entire band. It's just Caleb that I can't seem to bond as closely with, but I have enjoyed my time with them.
It sparks yet another idea in my mind. My rational mind would say it's a bad one, but with the emotion his song gives me and the rush of happiness I feel toward my friend, I really want to tell him about my idea.
Me: I could.
Ash: What do you mean?
Me: For how long are you in Scotland?
Ash: Are you messing with me?
Ash: You would come and see us?
Me: Yeah. I have just managed to get my first signing at the Edinburgh's book fair next weekend. I will be around if you want to see me. I would really like to go get that burger if you want.
Ash: I am down for that. Will you be alone?
Me: I don't know yet. I think Marcel might come too, but I don't think he is needed. I know there will be people from marketing that are setting up our space. Honestly, I am not that informed. I will see when I get there. Paul, the marketing manager, is in charge of our setting. He has offered to drive me there, but I think I might come earlier. I don't know.... It depends how much work I have to do on revising my first few chapters.
Me: Anyway... It's not very clear now, but they will inform me more on Monday. Sorry for my lengthy ramble. This must be so boring to you.
Ash: It isn't. It makes me happy your dreams are coming true, just like mine. So it's not boring, I completely understand.
Me: Thanks.
I have nothing more to say, but somehow I really don't want the conversation to stop. I look up to see which station we are at and notice we are almost there. I put my phone back in my purse and notice an old man coming in. I wait to make eye contact and get up to offer him my seat. He accepts it with a large smile and I ravish under the warmth I feel to have done this simple act of kindness.
Sophie gets up seconds after when we get to our station. We walk in the airport and out to catch our bus. I tell her about stopping at ASDA before coming home. She decides to not accompany me and clean a little before I get back and Marcel arrives.
The second I get out at my stop, I put back my headphone in my ears and listen to the album again. It's a really good jam. And I remember that I was texting Ash. It makes me wonder about what they are doing during the day. Do they have a show tonight?
Me: What are you doing tonight?
He doesn't respond instantly and I have the time to do my whole grocery shopping before my phone vibrates again.
Ash: Caleb wants us to go to out. And these days, all Lucas and Mike want to do is drink since they miss their girlfriends. I think it will be fun.
Me: Is your schedule pretty hectic?
I write quickly as it comes my turn at the cashier, so I take off an earbud. I put all of my groceries in front of the employee. She scans it all and I present her my reusable bag I always keep at the bottom of my purse. I pay and thank her with a smile. I put back my earbud and head towards the exit. I hook the bag to the crook of my elbow and take back my phone.
Ash: It isn't now that we've come to the end of the UK tour. We fly to Ireland tomorrow morning. Dublin. Then we head up north to Belfast and we come back to Glasgow for the show. Then, Edinburgh. After that, Europe.
Since he told me he would be in Scotland next weekend, it means he has a pretty hectic week ahead. I just hope he is well-rested and that they are all taking care of themselves. They are responsible. I don't have to worry about them. I want them to have fun. I would love to be in their place and get to travel the world with my music. Their music is so good.
Me: What are you the most excited to see?
By the time I have walked the two kilometres separating ASDA from home, I feel my phone vibrating again. I walk to the kitchen to put the bag on the counter and come back to the door to take off my shoes. I turn off my music with the intention to connect it Bluetooth with the stereo, but something else catches my attention.
I walk silently to Sophie's closed door and I hear her undoubtedly crying. She is talking as well. I don't want to pry, so I head back to the kitchen and put my groceries in the fridge. I am glad I have bought wine. I think that might be exactly what she needs right now.
I get two wine glasses on the higher shelf of the cupboard. I have to climb on the counter to get them, but climbing is something I have always enjoyed. When I was little, I used to climb the shelves at home and on all the furniture. At one point, my mum got tired and punished me by forcing me to only eat bananas since I was acting like a monkey. Since then, traumatised, I hate bananas. The taste, the texture, the smell, I can't stand it. I guess it worked.... I stopped climbing. Now, I am old. I can do as I want. I should go to the zip lining kind of parks where I could climb in trees and stuff. I wonder if it's the kind of activities Sophie would be down to do with me.
I fill our glasses with the clear golden liquid and I walk to my friend's door. I knock gently and wait for an answer. I can't help but to listen.
"Call me tomorrow. Don't party too hard. Caleb is too friendly with drugs. I don't want the whole Metallica incident to happen again. I love you. I miss you too. Now go have fun." I hear her say, but I don't hear any of the response Lucas gives her. It makes me frown with curiosity to know what happened at the 'Metallica incident'.
I knock again on the door, but now that I know she has hung up, I get in. Her room is white and of an average size. Her bed stands in the middle, being the first thing we see when we get in. Two steps in, I see a bookshelf and picture frames of her and the boys. I smile instantly. Two steps further, I notice a dusty guitar and her silhouette rolled up on her side.
"Hey there lovely lady. I brought you a glass of wine. I thought you would need it." I coo her gently not to be abrupt and seem too intrusive.
She sniffs and wipes quickly her makeup free face before she turns to face me. I don't mention anything and neither does she. She acts as if nothing had happened at all.
"Exactly what I need." I smile back to her and take a seat on the bed in front of her. She takes the glass from my hand and raises it slightly. She seems pensive a second, but looks at me the next. "To relationships."
I smile and nod as we toast to her words. It's a good thing to toast about. Old, new, 'relationship' sums up this whole situation. And Lord knows how messy my relationships have been lately, I am happy to focus and clear the ones that mean the most to me. Starting with hers.
"I am really thankful to have met you. I don't think I have told you before, but I am." I smile to her and reach for her. I put my hand on her arm resting on her lap and take it off quickly.
"Aren't you the cheese balls?!" She coos and teases me on my sentimentalism.
"I am just being honest. Why keep it to myself when it could make you happy to know?" I say as a rhetorical question. I smile to her and take a sip of my delicious choice of white wine.
"It does make me happy. Thank you." She mirrors me and frowns a bit. "So what have you planned to cook for dinner? I am starving!"
I laugh in response and get up to invite her to follow me to the kitchen.
"I thought you would." She follows me and sits at the small kitchen table to watch me cook. "Hopefully, Marcel will be here soon."
I have mentioned Marcel without thinking it would have such an effect on Sophie. It hurts me and confuses me. There's a part of me that is ready to love him. He makes it so easy. But there's also the part of me that doesn't fully let go, yet. Sophie's doubts towards him are what is keeping me from falling. Whoever he was in the past is one thing I can't hold against him. But he did treat me wrong...
When I'm with him, I forget about the world. There's only him and I. I find behaviours like spanking, choking, sex in public places all right. I even gave my underwear to Ashley. What was wrong with me? He is out of his head and I'm out of my mind. But that's something that excites me about him.
But when I'm away or with Sophie, I realise how wrong it all is. I am leading on Ashley on something that doesn't even exist. He isn't even interested in me. I was just some quick fun, but now, on tour, he can have anyone he goddamn wants. He is sexy as hell. Even now, with only her sigh, I feel bad. I feel like I can't entirely be truthful. I feel like I am intrusive, like this isn't really my home now, but hers and I am only a guest. A guest because I was her cousin's girlfriend.
How bad am I?! I have cheated on her cousin, slept with her best friend and now fallen for her nemesis. I have no right to ask her to support this relationship. No right!
"Go ahead, tell me what's bothering you." I tell her honestly. I need to hear it all, I deserve her wrath. I don't have to ask her to keep her opinions for herself.
"What?"
"Let it out, all you have on your heart. Whether it's about Lucas, Marcel, me or whatever that's bothering you. Let it out."
I turn around to look at her. I welcome anything she has to say. She questions me with her eyes. It takes a few seconds before she moves and sets her glass of wine on the table to address me.
I see her thoughts running through her eyes. Her expression was soft at first, but it becomes more and more stern and firm. She swallows and stares at me coldly. I am not ready for this, but I deserve it and she needs to let it out.
"Grace, I think you know by now that life isn't a fairy tale. After everything you have been through, I would expect you to not be so naive, but you are. It is a very big part of your charm, but it hasn't given you the greatest instincts. It seems like, since you broke up with my cousin, you are on a cloud."
She slides to the tip of her chair to address me with more tenderness as she is speaking her truth. I am not closed to her opinion. It is shocking, but I need to hear it all. So, I force myself to keep my gaze in hers and not look down like I would surely do. She has that cute and sorry look in her eyes, but the determination in her voice tells me how strongly she thinks what she says and how long she probably wanted to tell me.
It took the whole six-hour bus drive back from Manchester to convince her of how genuine he is. I showed her the letter and told her all about the wonderful connection we share. I am not dumb, I know she is stubborn and prefers to keep being resentful over stepping on her pride to admit Marcel is not all bad. She is just like her cousin on that point. But then, she didn't say a word. She could have, but she didn't. I have to be thankful for how respectful she is.
"Your dream of being published is coming true, I understand that. You had this desire of freedom and we had lots of fun, but I don't want you to be innocent towards him. Right now, he has your dream and your heart in his hands, so stop seeing Marcel as a prince. He isn't and he is never going to be. He is arrogant and self absorbed and somehow, you make him tolerable, but don't blind yourself with expectations. You almost lost both, two weeks ago, because he decided he was done with you, don't forget that." Sophie exclaims with determination and I am happy she cares that much about me, but the truth of it all shocks me immediately. Even if I asked her to tell me all that, I get instinctively defensive.
"I don't see him as a prince." I only let out as I look down, despite of myself, to not confront her. She gave me lots to think about, but it's a bit hard to always be remembered of how naive I am.
"I didn't want you to get mad. I just wanted you to know the truth and get that in your head."
When I look up, she has the sorriest smile on her lips. She gets up and walks to face me. She puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles more confidently.
"Feeling better?"
"Thank you. I do. I have wanted to say that for weeks." She starts to laugh slightly and I mirror her. The mood brightens just like a cloud had passed in a sunny sky and the sun was shining again.
"I hear you. Believe me, I do. It might not seem like it, but what you say really has value to me. But I have to be honest too." My smile fades from my lips as I say that. I look down again as I feel her stare on me again. I only look back at her when I find the confidence to tell her how I feel as well. "Sophie, I love you, but I often feel uneasy living here. It was an offer for the girlfriend of your cousin and it was only supposed to be temporary. But we are far from the initial agreement. Now, I have moved in full time and even though I have all my stuff with me, it feels like your flat and not our home. I hate to feel like that and knowing Marcel isn't welcome here. So, if you really can't handle him, I will move out. I really don't want to put in jeopardy our friendship."
I had gently turned up the corners of my mouth, but I was concerned about her answer. Does she prefer to see me leave? To what extent is her hatred toward Marcel?
Her expression changes radically. She suddenly seems panicked. Her breath shortens and she shakes her head relentlessly. I find immediate comfort in that before she speaks.
"There's a lot going on in my life. And in yours as well. Because of that, I think I would be having a really hard time if you weren't here for me. I really don't want to see you go. You are the only one I have left in London. I'm sorry I didn't make you feel welcome. You are. As for Marcel, I will need some time, but I know he isn't as bad as he had seemed. I will know tonight if I truly believe he loves you. Like I said, Grace, you have a lot to lose with him. And I will always prefer what you had with Ash to be honest. He changed. I don't want to see him become like Caleb."
Her worried expression matches her words. It makes me instantly seek for answers. My curiosity rushes the words out of me absentmindedly.
"What do you mean?"
She sighs deeply and looks around. She doesn't seem at ease to talk about it, at least that's what her body language tells me. She toys with the side of her fingers, picking at the skin until she finally looks into my eyes and let's go of her hand.
"Ash used to be the party guy. Not as much as Cal, but pretty much. Caleb is sneakier. He got the lads into drugs. They are all different, with particular traits. Mike is super depressive. Lucas is macho. Caleb is the party guy, always sleeping around, too often on drugs. And Ash was the responsible one. He did party hard with Cal but only because they were the only two single lads in the band. When you came around, he found his fun with you and stopped partying with Cal and using drugs altogether. I just care so much for them. I don't want them to crawl back into their rabbit hole. I used to babysit them, even if Cal always did as he pleased, but now I can't."
I don't say anything, I look at her. I try to put the puzzle pieces together. I never thought Ash would be that kind of person. But yet, it fits the rock and roll lifestyle. It doesn't mean it isn't a lot to take in. I never got that vibe from him. He always seemed responsible and well put. He was being so gentle and tender with me. I never would have guessed he was the type to do drugs. Yet again, is there a type to do drugs? It doesn't define who he is.
I never expected that. Shame on me. Even though I have been through a lot with Steeve, there is still lots from life I don't know. I come from Manchester, but I have clearly lived my life in a bubble. I don't expected bad things to happen. I see too often the bright sides of things without considering people had lives harder than I did.
My train of thoughts seems to be going deep, so it's a real surprise when Sophie speaks again. I have to make her repeat in order to understand correctly what she just asked me.
"Why don't you give Ash a chance?"
Her question was very kindly and respectfully asked. So it surprises me, yes, but I find myself truly considering my answer to give her. Why don't I give Ash a chance? There are many ways to answer that question, but I decide to be brief, but genuine.
"He is sweet and I like him a lot, but he isn't Marcel. It's special with him."
"Do you still keep in touch with him at least?"
"Yeah, we have texted a few times." I take my phone out of my pocket as I say that and notice the notification of his response to my earlier text. "We've texted all day..."
Ash: You
"What have you talked about?"
I can't really respond to her as I read his answer to my question about what he was most excited to see on tour. I can't deny the butterflies in my belly. It's so sweet. But I can't lead him on and I can't lead the idea of us in Sophie's mind either. I don't understand why he acts that way towards me. He should be having flings with the girls he meets on tour. He should be enjoying himself. With all this lie about Mace and I, I don't want him to get false ideas about my visit next week.
I look up my phone and quickly turn it off as I look at my friend.
"Burgers. He's in Glasgow to fly to Ireland and he tried the burgers there. I told him I had the best burger in my life there when I went with Steeve on a short holiday maybe two or three years ago... So we've talked about that..." I blur out quickly, trying not to seem as affected by his text as I really am. It must be the attention. I must just love the attention. That's it...
She frowns heavily and I see the curiosity sparkling in her eyes so I really don't wait a second and try to make conversation to change the subject.
"By the way, I meant to ask this earlier, but I found a box of stuff at the bottom of my wardrobe. Is it yours?"
"Oh! No, it's some stuff my roommate forgot. I put it there in hopes she would come back and take them."
"You seemed to have been really close friends, do you still talk to her?"
"No, unfortunately. She vanished completely. I could have reached out to her parents, but I got so mad that she would abandon me like this because of an unrealistic crush that I never tried to reach her again. I guess things happen for a reason..."
"They do. I'm sorry you lost your friend..."
"If we are still being brutally honest, I must admit that I thought you did the same the morning I woke up to your letter."
"No... I wouldn't leave you like this. Plus, I am under contract. I have to finish-"
I don't even have the time to finish my sentence that both of our attention is drawn to the knocking sound at the door. I get weirdly very nervous and hesitant as get up to answer the door. We were expecting Marcel and I know I have seen him earlier, but somehow it feels like it was a long time ago. I am feeling so giddy and excited to have him home and welcomed here without having to hide our romance.
I open the door with confidence, but with sweaty palms. My eyes set on his casual look that he wasn't wearing at the office earlier. He traded his trousers, his Polo and his usual cardigan for a pair of caramel brown leather boots with a black pair of jeans, moulding perfectly his long and strong legs, and a black tee.
My eyes gradually look up as my smile gets wider and wider. He is smoking hot! He has a yellow jumper tied around his shoulders and his sunglasses push back his curly locks on his head. No squared glasses. Wow! And as if I wasn't melting enough already, he has the largest dimpled smile I have ever seen him wear. Dear God, have mercy on me...
"Take a picture, it'll last longer." I hear him joke, which surprises me, but I just might.
I smile in response and step closer to greet him properly. I wrap my arms around his neck tenderly and grin before I press my lips on his for a brief and gentle kiss. I lean back a second to gaze into his gorgeous green glasses-free eyes. I get so bewitched. God, I love him!
Huh-
What?!
Do I?!
He doesn't seem to realise I have frozen on place as he leans in to kiss me. This time it isn't brief, it's consuming. His lips are so smooth and addictive. He has that taste of tea and peppermint that he always has. I step back before I get too high on his love and invite him in. I close the door and get on the tip of my toes to whisper to his ear.
"Every time you'll feel my hands on you tonight, it'll mean I want you." I murmur seductively and see his pupils dilate from our proximity and the physical reaction his arousal has on him. It amuses me and definitely warms me up.
He slides his hand in mine, surprising me yet again with how comfortable he seems, to be joking and to be so affectionate. He squeezes my hand three time and I can't help but to look down at them, wondering why he did that.
"Every time you'll feel that, it means I love you."
My heart jumps from twenty floors and crashes in a mess that isn't as bad as how all over the place I feel. What is happening with him? This is the cutest thing ever. He is making it so hard for me to not squeeze his hand right back four times to tell him I love him too. I don't even know if I really do or if it's the effect of his presence, the smell of his cologne or his steamy look.
"How come you are the romantic one and I am the horny one?" I ask him to tease his sudden sentimentalism, which I love, but it's so surprising.
"I think we have both corrupted the other." He murmurs back with a large smirk and a quick glance to Sophie in the kitchen before looking back at me.
"I can easily live with that."
"Me too."
I pull his hand to follow me to the kitchen with a giddiness I try to hide to not upset Sophie in any way. After all the things we've said to each other, I don't think I have to be on my guard as much with Marcel in front of her, but we'll try to go slow. At least, for now.
She sees us and glances quickly at our joined hands before looking back at the dishes she takes out of the cupboard. Marcel, very professionally, steps towards her, leaving my hand behind to offer his for her to shake.
"It's nice to see you again, Sophie." She looks at him and puts the dishes on the table before she wipes her hands on her jeans and takes his. "I am happy you've settled your differences aside to have me for dinner this evening."
Her stare is harder and evidently piercing his eyes with the hatred she always had for him, but she is making a big effort. I silently thank her for that.
"I am doing this for Grace. She is at home here. I might as well get used to having you here." Her tone is cold, but she clears her throat mid-sentence to sound more welcoming.
What is this dinner going to be like...