Harry clasped his hands in front of him and I watched as his gaze drifted to the birds flying above my head. The silence between us was discomforting as he continued to stare at the birds orbiting above us.
"Charm spell." I released a shaky breath. "Just practicing."
"They're really good."
I knew he was just placating me. Waiting for when I would tell him what had me upset. Harry was an excellent friend that way. He didn't push you to tell him everything. He waited. If there was anyone I could trust with this, it was Harry. I had a feeling he already knew in a way.
My face turned to look at him and he looked taken aback by the fierceness of my tears. "How does it feel, Harry? When you see Cho with Cedric?"
He began to stutter-to deny that he had any feelings for her. But, I knew. I knew just as I knew I was falling for Cedric that Harry was in love with Cho. It wasn't hard to notice. The way he stared at her-it was full of longing.
"I see the way you look at her." I continued. "You're my best friend."
The tears began to fall. There was no holding them back when I thought of all I held back from Harry these past couple weeks. Something was eating me up inside and I had no one to talk to. But I could trust Harry.
He moved to the same stair as me and wrapped his arm protectively around me. I melted into his chest letting the full weight of all that happened tonight out. If I was going to tell him everything I couldn't be breaking down in the middle of it.
Harry's hand rubbed against my arm. "It feels like this."
I knew how much it meant for him to say that. He finally admitted his feelings for Cho with me. It was that simple act of trust that proved I could tell him this dark secret of mine. I hesitated simply because, in telling him, Harry will see a new view of me. A careless and free me.
The strength deep inside me finally made its presence known and a final tear falls from my eye. I took a deep breath and removed my face from the cotton of Harry's shirt. He kept his arm around me to show that he's there for me and I knew I could do this.
"Cedric and I...." I paused because I wasn't exactly sure how to explain what Cedric and I were. We had sex but I felt it was more than that. "Well, we've been... sleeping together. Though, there isn't exactly much sleeping going on, per say. Oh, now I'm just rambling. You get what I mean, right? Right?"
He hesitated which I understood. How exactly can you respond quickly to a response like that? I chewed on my bottom lip to keep from babbling more. I knew I had to give Harry the time to process all that I was telling him.
Finally he answered. "I figured something was going on with you two. You're both beaming when you're around each other."
"I'm..." I shook my head. "I'm not sure he feels the same way I do."
"Why do you think that?"
I sighed. "I told him I didn't want it to amount to more than what it was."
"I see." And he nodded his head as if that statement answered all the questions as to what has been going on since the Yule Ball.
Possibly that was my one fault. The decision to limit what I could be with Cedric truly put me in a place far worse than if there were hope with my affections. It would have to be me to break the rules I set in place. I would have to ask him what I was to him.
Harry squeezed me tighter to him. "How do you feel about him, Hermione?"
That's just the question, isn't it? I thought back on all the times we spent together and I wasn't sure how to answer. Nothing about this was normal for most couples. We didn't start off as friends and slowly build our relationship as lovers. We were mere acquaintances that had a tryst in a bathroom that needed repeat appearances.
"I don't know." I answered truthfully. "But, it's more than this."
"Why didn't you tell him that then?"
I shrugged. "I was scared of getting hurt? It was my... first time, Harry. It was with someone who is known around school as a heartbreaker and I didn't want him to have the upper hand."
"Did he," Harry searched my face. "pressure you?"
I could see the anger swelling up in him. The thought that Cedric, someone who he had grown to trust, would push himself on me was not something Harry was willing to deal with in a calming matter. An array of "accidents" could happen in the next task and if I confirmed what he was asking Cedric was bound to fall victim to one of them.
My face held the surprise of his question. "No." Small tears found their way down my cheek. "It was entirely my idea."
This was true. It was my decision to go further with him. Cedric asked my certainty of our actions several times. While I still wasn't entirely sure if my actions were puppeteer-ed by the expertise of a heart-breaker, I knew I couldn't blame him for what Harry was asking. It was me who told Cedric I wanted to do more than kiss.
It was my own fault that I was here crying in the arms of my best friend, my brother.
"Well," he started. "I've never known you to be someone who regrets your decisions."
"I don't. It's just-"
Harry interrupted me. "There was a reason you set up the rules. You have to trust yourself or learn to let people besides Ron and me in. Half the time you shut even us out. It's okay to hurt and feel pain, Hermione. That's how you know it's real and you're alive. Trust me. I know."
Deep inside I knew he was right. I spent most of my life shutting people out of what was really going on in my life. My parents were shut out of the magical part of my life after being quite bemused about my having magical powers. They were proud, all the same, but it just wasn't something I wished to share with them. In school, I kept my feelings about being out-casted hidden in an attempt to appear strong. I felt I had no need for trivial friendships when I held such strong bonds with Harry and Ron but it still got to me. Now Cedric appeared to care about me and wanted a part of my life and I was putting my wall up.
It was a defense mechanism and I knew it.
I don't know what I was necessarily afraid of. It wasn't like I had gone through many traumatic experiences in my life. I had a good family and true friends that I could count on. Any trauma that I experienced came in response to Harry's fight with Voldermort which I was more than willing to help with. Harry's reasons for love were why he would win this fight.
"Why am I putting a wall up with him then?" I questioned.
His hand rubbed against my arm. "You're afraid your feelings for him will be unrequited or that it'll change the relationship in the way it's changed for you and Ron." He paused. "You have to put yourself out there."
"I know." I frowned. "By the way, I know Ron didn't mean all that he said tonight. He was just hurting in the way I was the night of the dance."
It would take a while, but I knew Ron would realize in the way that I did that our feelings for each other were merely of convenience. Though Ron fought against his feelings he admitted them tonight in the Great Hall. There would be awkward times ahead for us but we would eventually pull through.
That's how it always was with Ron and I. We would have a huge blowout that would fizzle in a few days and all would be back to normal. I wasn't entirely sure it would work out the same way as it had in the past this time but I was hopeful. Ron had said some hurtful things to me but he was as hurt as I was the night of the Ball. People say things that are hard to take back when they're hurt.
Harry nodded in agreement and I knew we would no longer discuss the topic of Ron. I could tell Harry was upset with his best friend for hurting me in such a public manner. The only thing I was grateful for was that I didn't witness what was said when I made my dramatic exit.
Thinking back on my exit I was reminded of what transpired in the bathroom. Lavender and Romilda had spoken of their meetings with Cedric as well as what that evil Rita Skeeter had written about me. She had no way of knowing the things that happened that morning on the Black Lake.
"Have you read the Daily Prophet, Harry?"
He looked away shyly and nodded. "Rita has it out for you, doesn't she?"
"All because I told her off about printing those lies about you and Hagrid last year." I began pondering the words in her story. "There was no way she could've known that Viktor asked me to Bulgaria on holiday. That was in private."
"Maybe she's an Animagus like Sirius and she turns into a pesky mosquito or something." Harry chuckled.
But something clicked in his words. That would be exactly how she could've overheard the conversations. I didn't remember seeing Rita Skeeter anywhere on the structure, yet she had reported the winnings. The only thing to do now would be to figure out exactly what she was. I put that thought away to work on later because at the moment I had bigger things to worry about then Rita Skeeter.
"Are you going to talk to Cedric?" Harry asked getting back on topic.
I nodded. "I have to if I want to solve anything." An idea stuck me and I knew that this would be my only chance to bring it up. "Harry, if I'm putting myself out there with Cedric, you should as well with Cho."
"It's not the same, Hermione." He pleaded. "You have an inkling of what Cedric feels for you. I don't even register on Cho's radar."
"She would've said yes to the Ball if you hadn't waited to ask. That's something."
Harry nodded contemplating what I said. I knew Cho would return Harry's affections if Cedric was out of the picture. Cedric was an obstacle in her feelings for Harry. Not many could deal with the ramifications of being part of Harry's circle. Even if he was the Boy-Who-Lived his life was filled with danger and that was one thing I wasn't sure Cho was up for.
My hands lifted to underneath my eyes to wipe away the traces of my tears. I was done with crying now that I had a plan. The uncertainty of my relationship with Cedric wasn't something I could deal with for much longer and maintain hold of my sanity. It was slowly slipping with the way I had been acting.
I reached over to grip Harry's knee and he smiled. "Thank you."
"I'm always here for you, Hermione. Don't think you can't talk to me about what's going on in here." His finger jutted into my temple and I giggled despite of myself.
"I'm going to try. I'll go mad if I don't."
Harry's arm stayed wrapped around my shoulder. He knew, like I did, that even though the tears had stopped and I was laughing, it didn't mean that I was over the pain of tonight. I needed his gentle touch to calm me. In my mind, I knew he needed mine as well to give him the strength he needed to talk to Cho. I could tell he was mulling it over in his mind now.
"Are you nervous about the final task?" I asked in an effort to give both our minds a break from our love lives.
He nodded. "Slightly. I'm shocked at how much I actually want to win this now."
I immediately thought back to when Harry had been selected as a Tri-Wizard Champion. He loathed being put in the spotlight once again. The one thing Harry wanted more than anything was peace. The first task all he wanted was to survive. When the second task came to be I saw the drive that existed in my best friend emerge. He didn't want to be placed last and when he wasn't for his brilliant "moral fiber" he was overjoyed.
My mind wished there was a way for both of my boys to win. It would certainly help in the confusion I felt over who to cheer for during the final task. That somehow because they were both from Hogwarts they would both have eternal glory. I thought of Cedric's qualities: his sense of fair play that was common in a Hufflepuff and his modesty; and then thought of Harry's as well: his loyalty and selflessness. There was certainly a way for both of them to win as rare as it seemed.
Last year when Harry was attacked by the Dementors during a Quidditch match against Hufflepuff, it was Cedric who offered to replay the match since he saw it as an unfair win. As proud as Cedric was to have won the match, when he realized what had happened to Harry he immediately denounced it. It was Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor captain, who declined the offer. When Harry received his new Firebolt, courtesy of his godfather Sirius Black, Cedric was one of the first to congratulate him. That fairness the two of them shared could surely win out over the greed of winning the cup. Couldn't it?
I was overly hopeful.
"Just remember everything we went over. All the spells, the charms, your wits." I reminded. "I just want you to be careful."
He squeezed my body closer to him again. "I will be, and I'll be ready for whatever waiting for me. This is surely the moment whoever put my name in the Goblets been waiting for."
"Dumbledore must be prepared for that." I assured him. "He wouldn't let anything happen to you, Harry."
For the first time it hit me-Harry would truly be alone for this final task. Any danger he faced he would only have our encouragement in his head and he would face it alone just like he had the whole tournament. I didn't want Harry to feel like he would be alone that no matter what he faced he had friends who would be there for him.
As we continued discussing what we thought the final task might be, we both eventually grew tired. Harry needed his rest and I needed to give my mind a break from the over-thinking. I knew I needed to tell Cedric what was going on, but I was so worrisome over the outcome of our conversation. The one thing I didn't want was for our "relationship" to end.
Cedric, well, he was changing me.
Gone was the outcast who never felt she belonged in any other world but with her trio. I felt strong and beautiful and cared for. Even if it was all a game to Cedric, I knew that I would be forever changed because of our meeting. This talk with Harry only proved that. I would learn to let people in because you never gained anything from shutting them out.
I slipped Harry a simple note asking Cedric to meet me before the challenge. Harry took it without question promising to give it to him in the morning and not letting anyone besides him read it. I knew I could trust Harry as much as I trusted him tonight. He seemed to want Cedric to give me a chance just as badly as I did.
When Harry kissed my forehead goodnight before I turned and made my way up towards the girl's dormitory I knew I had made the right decision to tell him before the final task. Cedric couldn't face death without knowing how I felt for him-even if I wasn't entirely sure of it myself. The one thing I knew was that I wanted more from Cedric than just his body. I wanted to be given a chance to love him and I wanted him to love me back.
Isn't that just what every girl wants? Someone to want them back.