Chapter 28
Benji
As much as I portray myself as happy Benji. Outgoing Benji. Gay, comfortable with myself Benji. The truth is, I spend a lot of time being scared Benji. Scared that people won't accept me. They'll judge me. They'll find me lacking in some way. I think the front I put on is to protect my fragile ego. If they think I'm happy it might come across as confidence and they'll think I'm just fine with myself and everything I do.
I figured this out when I was in middle school. If the bullies smell fear, they'll eat you up, they'll prey on you. So the trick is to not let them see your fear. Coming out as gay, was the ultimate test. I had to make sure they knew I wasn't scared and I was comfortable just as I was. I created this front, it was like a protective shield.
But like all things you have to hold up, a protective shield can get exhausting. You get to a point where you can't hold it up anymore and you need to find a safe place where you're accepted. More than that, where you're accepted and taken care of. Cherished, nurtured - hell, even doted on.
I found that in the scene. I found it in submission. Walking into the club that first time and then after speaking with Master Phillip, I knew this was where I belonged and that feeling of acceptance was like having a 500-pound pack taken off your shoulders. It was freeing and exhilarating.
People often think it's all about the whips and the leather. But that's all schtick. No, that's not being fair. It's like in anything, the leather is the uniform or badge. The whips are like a Dom's sword, wielding it gives them strength and power. The Doms give their sub pleasure and pain - the ultimate control. But focusing on the pain, is a rookie mistake in the scene. It's just the easiest way for people who aren't in the scene, to justify their distaste for something different. It's used as a catch-all way of condemning it. It's funny, it's just those people outside of the scene who find so many other ways to wield pain, real pain – not pain for pleasure. They're just more discreet, hidden behind self-justification and misguided religion.
Look at my parents. They spent years bickering and fighting - wielding pain in much less healthy ways than D/s partners. I'd rather get spanked by my Dom, who, once I've taken my punishment then forgives me and moves on, then be in a "normal" relationship where couples hold resentment, don't communicate or miscommunicate and treat each other like crap in passive-aggressive ways of punishing their partner for things their partner may not even realize they did wrong.
The world is fucked up, but in a healthy D/s relationship, things are clear. A Dom knows what their sub needs, a sub knows what to expect and knows their needs will be fulfilled, even if the sub doesn't know how to express them that well. A good Dom takes the time to know and understand their sub, observes their reactions in addition to speaking with them, to help their sub understand their needs. Most importantly, a good Dom accepts their submissive, that's really all anyone needs at the end of the day, isn't it? Acceptance?
I'm not saying that a D/s relationship is better than a vanilla relationship. I'm just saying it works for some people better. It works for me. Right now, at this point in my life, it works for me.
That being said, they're not perfect and things get derailed in all types of relationships. I just needed some guidance to figure out how to get back. Which is why I was sitting outside on a bench spilling my guts to Jamie...or at least some of them.
"Are you sure you're not just overreacting Benj?"
"Thanks, Jamie, your support is overwhelming," I replied sarcastically. Granted, I didn't tell her everything that happened, just that the night sucked, Ajax basically ignored me and then I told him I wasn't moving in with him. Shit, when I say it like that, it seems really tit for tat. Maybe I did overreact?
"Jamie, do I have the right... I mean, I'm just a sub..."
"Do you have the right to be upset, Benji? Of course. It's a D/s relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to be treated poorly. You're a sub, not a slave, big difference."
"I know that, but..."
"Benji, you really need to talk to Master Ajax. If you're not sure about something, you need to ask him. You're not being fair. Maybe you ask him not to take you to business dinners or events that he'll be busy at and you get together another night during the week. Building up resentment isn't going to help. Couples Counseling 101," she added with a grin.
But there was more to it than just being ignored. Was I letting my mind even think about the next morning? It hit one of my biggest triggers. After having been cheated on several times by past boyfriends and having a bit of a jealous personality, the way he stumbled in had my guts twisting. I didn't think I'd have this problem with a Dom. Not that all D/s relationships are monogamous, a hell of a lot aren't, but it's all spelled out and agreed to. Did I miss something in our contract? I'd have to go look, maybe I didn't read it closely enough. Shit.
Everything just seemed so hard all of a sudden and it was making me question my whole world.
"Benji, I mean, I think it was a good idea not to jump into moving in together after what? A month and a half?"
"7 weeks and 3 days," I replied, "but...who's counting."
"Apparently you are," she said with a laugh.
"Like you don't know how long you've been with Dennis?"
"11 weeks and um...2 days," she replied with a shy smile as we got up. I poked her in the side before opening the door to the student center.
"And I didn't mean the not moving in with him part, just this new attitude, that you're just going to look at him as a Dom and forget any ideas of romance. You're the one that made me believe things would work out with Dennis, and now they have. He's been so great since we talked it out and I feel like our relationship is just getting stronger and stronger. Maybe you need to open up to Ajax and have a heart to heart, let him know what you're feeling. Tell him how you felt at the party, ask him where he sees your relationship going."
"I can't do that Jay." What if he rejects me.
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't." He might think I'm too much trouble.
"Yes you can and stop pouting, did you not learn anything from Master Phillip about honesty with your Dom?"
"Jamie," I said, "didn't Master Phillip say that training to become a submissive was about exploring your true self, not looking for a life partner. That many of the Doms at the club are not looking for permanent relationships?"
"Yeah Benji, but there are still lots of great couples there that are totally in love. Why can't we have both, explore our submissive sides and find true love."
"Who are you and what have you done with my best friend," I joked, though it was really nice seeing Jamie happy and positive. A quick subject change was in order before I lost all ambition for studying. "Come on, I'm starved, let's get lunch and then find a study room. We can get some work done before our last class of the day. I have cycling tonight so I won't get too much studying done later."
It was already Tuesday afternoon. I'd called Ajax Sunday night as he asked, but kept the conversation short, telling him how studying went and that I was tired. I didn't say anything about Saturday night and neither did he. Monday came and went and neither of us contacted the other and then this morning I got a text from him that told me to have a good day and be safe cycling tonight and that he'd see me Wednesday evening. I replied with a brief, 'Thank you, Sir, you have a great day too.' It felt so off, but I didn't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix me. I just have to find a way to get out of this morose mood before tomorrow night or I'm going to ruin this. I can't blow my first D/s relationship. My ego would never get over it.
The long bike ride did miracles for my mood. I was able to take my mind off everything and focus on what I was doing. Turning off the chatter in my brain and focusing on the moment was like having a long, restful night's sleep. I felt refreshed. The endorphins going through my bloodstream were better than any drug. Pretty close to what subspace is like, I figured. Although I didn't have a lot of experience with subspace, Ajax had put me there a few times and it was definitely an experience worth repeating. Over and over. An exercise endorphin rush was the next best thing, and you can do it in public.
The thought made me laugh out loud.
Ajax
I felt like something had changed with Benji, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly when it happened. Was it the party? Was it too much for him? Maybe I shouldn't have taken him. But he was my sub, he's supposed to accompany me. I know I was kind of a jerk leaving him alone for so long, but he seemed fine and it's good for him to socialize. Despite his nerves when we first met, he seems comfortable meeting new people. He's handsome and charming. Maybe he needed more direction. I'm his Dom, I should have given him more direction.
I could second guess myself until the cows come home, but I needed advice. Nico was busy, my mom is visiting her sister, plus, getting Dom advice from your mom just seems awkward. Definitely awkward.
I ended up calling one of my friends from the club, a Dom I trust and respect. He's a strict Dom, but also very intuitive. Frank reminded me that Benji was still new to the scene and the best thing with a newbie is to stick to the basics. Let them use their training, it will give them a sense of comfort to know that they can rely on what they've been taught and Phillip doesn't cut corners with training. I certainly didn't tell Frank that I'd already asked him to move in with me, wow, that was a fiasco. I realized that I too needed to get back to basics. I was assuming too much with Benji as if he was a seasoned submissive. He's like a foal just learning how to stand, let alone run.
Frank also suggested I do regular check-ins. Take Benji aside and do a 'quality audit', Frank called it. Ask him how he feels things are going. What is working for him and what is not. Ask him leading questions to help him open up, and to assure him that anything he says - even if it's negative - will not result in a punishment. All feedback, positive or negative, is important and helpful to the process.
I realized that I need to be a better Dom. I need to pay attention more to Benji's physical and emotional cues. As the Dom, I had to take responsibility for any failures in communication and the relationship as a whole. Especially for a sub new to the scene. I still had a long way to go as a Dominant. I'd had it easy so far with experienced subs. They'd made it too easy and I'd gotten in the habit of cutting corners. I was disappointed in myself and knew I'd have to schedule a meeting with Master Phillip. He'd help me get my act together. He'd probably give me some strategies and even some exercises to follow. He'd probably also give me a few strokes with his belt, but at this point, I was pretty sure I deserved them.
With this in mind, I took a deep breath and put myself in a Dom headspace and then left to pick up Benji. He was probably just finishing up with his advisor and would have just enough time to get back to his dorm to drop off his books and pick up whatever he needed for tonight. I texted an "omw" to let him know I was on my way. When I got to the parking lot in front of his dorm he was leaning against the side of the building waiting for me. He smiled when he saw me pull up and a feeling of happy excitement flowed through me. And relief to be honest. I knew that I could make things betting with Benji. He was worth any effort it would take. I hopped out of the car, walking around to the passenger side to open his door.
"Hello, Sir," he said as he approached. He smiled shyly, which is something he usually does when we haven't seen each other for a few days. It's like he's not sure how to act until we've had a chance to re-acclimate.
I grabbed his backpack off his shoulder and leaned forward to give him a kiss. It was a quick peck, but once I had stowed his pack in the back seat I put my hands on his face and held him still while I gave him a more serious kiss. One that told him, I hoped, how glad I was to see him.
"Hello pet," I said, breathing out as our lips finally parted. Benji's face was flushed, an almost startled look on his face. He shouldn't be surprised. He has to know how much I care about him by now.
I stepped back and held the door for him. Benji looked over at a bunch of guys walking by the car, but then quickly got into his seat. They were watching us with disdain after our little PDA, so I gave them a hard look that said if you don't want to see it, don't watch. They quickly moved on and I walked around to the driver's side and turned my focus back on my sweet boy.
"How has your week been?" I asked.
"Good, got a lot of studying done and finished a paper due next week. If I get above a B, I don't have to take that final, so I worked really hard on it."
"You finished it already? Wow, I was usually pulling all-nighters the day before they were due to get assignments done on time."
"Yeah, it's a change for me too, but Joe is helping me organize my schedule. Getting it done now, means less stress next week and I can focus on studying for finals. Plus, I think better when I'm not stressed and my papers make more sense," he added with a self-deprecating chuckle. It was that humble, honest side of him that made me want to do just about anything to make him happy.
"I'm proud of you Benj," I told him, ruffling his soft hair. Mostly as an excuse to touch him. "How was your ride last night?"
Benji told me about his cycling and the rest of the week as I pulled out of the parking lot.
"We're going to stay in tonight," I told Benji as I pulled into my parking spot at the apartment. "Mama left a ton of food in the freezer, all my favourite dishes, we'll choose one and put it in the oven. We'll have some time to talk before dinner."
"Yes, Sir. Can I take a shower first?"
"Sure. When you're finished just put on a pair of the boxer briefs I like, nothing else, and go into the living room and kneel by the blue chair."
Back to basics.
"Yes, Sir."
We rode up in the elevator and I placed my hand on the small of Benji's back. He was quiet and I figured he was getting into his own headspace. That was good. We needed to talk, clear the air, and I needed him in the right frame of mind to speak bluntly, without thinking too much. Benji has a tendency to overthink and I wanted anything he said tonight to come straight out without any self-editing.
As we entered the apartment, before Benji could head to his room I directed him to the kitchen to pick out what we would have for dinner. He chose the Pastelon, a Puerto Rican dish my mother made adding her own Cuban touches. My mouth watered just thinking about it, so while Benji went to clean up, I pre-heated the oven as per my mother's detailed instructions. Once it was in and the timer was set, I went to my room to shower and change into something more comfortable.
The apartment was a bit warm since I'd lowered the A/C to make Benji more comfortable, so I ended up putting on a pair of black basketball-style shorts and a light gray undershirt. By the time I came into the living room, Benji was kneeling by my favourite chair. I went into the kitchen and saw that there were still about 25 minutes left on the timer. I got a couple of glasses from the cabinet and poured each of us some water.
Walking back into the living room, I placed the glasses on a table and sat down. I handed Benji his water and he took a few sips before handing it back to me.
"You look beautiful kneeling there in just your shorts."
"Thank you, Sir." He blushed and looked down at the floor. Shy Benji was still here.
"Do you mind that I call you beautiful?"
"No, Sir. Men can be beautiful... I mean, not that I'm..." I chuckled as he got flustered. He had a hard time accepting compliments, but that would have to change.
"Shhh," I admonished. "You are the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. I'm so lucky you're mine."
I pulled him closer so he was kneeling in between my legs and leaned forward so I could wrap my arms around him. I held him for several minutes, moving my hands over his back and running my fingers through the damp curls on the back of his head. I could feel his body relax as his head found a spot to rest on my shoulder. I held him and regulated my breathing until we were both in sync.
"I'm sorry about Saturday. I shouldn't have put you in that situation." I said quietly as I kissed the side of his head. "It was stressful for me, which I now realize made it even more stressful for you."
"There were friends there I knew you would connect with," I continued, "but I should have waited until I had introduced you to them in a smaller setting. It was a lot to throw on you and I apologize."
Benji was quiet, his head tucked under my chin so I couldn't see his face.
"I'm not like my brother Nico, I think I've told you before, he goes into almost every situation and excels. School, Business, the Scene. I've always taken a bumpier road. Struggled and had to work my ass off to make it through school, learning the business making mistakes and, hopefully, learning from them. Well, the same goes for being a Dom, I'm still finding my way on that path as well, and I'm sorry if I've hurt you along the way."
"You didn't..." Benji started, lifting his head and looking up at me, "I'm not hurt, I'm fine. You're a good...no, great Dom."
"Benji," I said sternly, "I don't want you to lie to make me feel better. I know I screwed up, and I need your honesty so I can learn from it and do better. I really need you to be honest with me, all the time, but especially right now."
He looked up at me miserably and I knew this was hard for him, but I needed to get him to be honest and make it a positive experience for him so he would always feel open to talk to me when he wasn't happy with me.
"I'm not going to get mad at you, no matter what you say," I said softly. "I need it."
"Well...," he began, looking down. I thought about lifting his chin up, but maybe it was easier for him to be more critical without looking at me.
"I, um, know it was a business thing, but I felt uncomfortable being left alone most of the night with strangers...I mean, I did meet some cool people, but I guess I would have rather stayed home than go to something that you were going to be busy at....and there were so many people and I didn't really fit in with most of them..."
"I know, I agree, I didn't think of that. I was selfish, I wanted to show you off, but I didn't think about how you would feel."
He nodded and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. "Go ahead Benji," I prodded.
"Um, that would have been fine though, I could have dealt with that...but...it was the other stuff that made me feel bad."
"What other stuff?"
"Well, there was those woman who were hanging on you and I felt like I was...they made me feel...like I didn't matter. You let them, you didn't even stop them," he added and a tear rolled down his cheek. "And then you didn't come back to the room until almost 4 and you...you smelled all perfumey...and I thought...did you...did..."
"Did I sleep with them?" I finished for him when I knew he couldn't get it out. He nodded and looked away.
"Benji, look at me," I said as I gently moved his chin until our eyes met. "I did not sleep with anyone that night. I have not slept with anyone but you since we met."
Benji nodded as he quickly swiped the tear from his face.
"I'd had too much to drink and stayed out on deck to sober up a bit and fell asleep. I probably smelled like perfume because Gia and Claudia kept draping themselves over me, but I have no interest in either of them. Not in anyone else beside you."
"Then why did you let them?"
I looked into his eyes and saw his disappointment and knew that I had earned that disappointment.
"Growing up I've always been in my big brother's shadow. Not that I hold that against him, he's never treated me as anything except a brother and an equal, but I never felt like I was as smart or talented or as good at anything as him and part of that was me trying to always fit in, to be accepted in the same circles as he was. And I guess I got in the habit of going along with things even if I wasn't comfortable with them. It took me, it has taken me, a long time to realize and work on getting past that."
"Is that why you became a Dom, because he was one?"
"Not really, the D/s lifestyle was part of my upbringing, my mother was Nico's father's submissive for many years." I chuckled at the surprise on Benji's face, "I'll tell you more about that another time."
"I actually thought I might at first be a submissive," I admitted.
"What?!"
Beeeeeepppppp....
I laughed, "Saved by the bell, that's our dinner. Hold that thought pet."