Blue Base
To Church and Doc in blue base.
Church: Uhh, I don't believe this.
Doc: It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
Church: I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
Doc: Yeah also that.
Church: And infectious diseases.
Doc: Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Doc starts using his medical tool. Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.
Church: If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it!
Doc: And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency! My bad Church.
Church: Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.
Doc: See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you.
Church: And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.
Tucker: Uogh, what diagnosis?
Doc: Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.
O'Malley: Huhahaha, yes, with child. Muhuhahahahahaha.
Tucker: It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.
Church: Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic, man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about.
Doc: Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?
Wade and Caboose runs in, with Caboose holding "Andy's" skull.
Caboose: Doctor! Help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.
Wade: Caboose, you can't fix a skull.
Church: Whoa whoa whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?
Caboose: Andy! Andy's dead. Look!
Church: Okay, that's disgusting.
Wade: You should put down the skull, Caboose.
Caboose: But, Andy needs me Wade! Doctor Doc, please help him.
Doc: Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.
Church: Where did you get that?
Caboose: First Tucker dies and now Andy!
Wade: Tucker isn't dying, he's pregnant.
Tucker: It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!
Church: Stop that.
Tucker: Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's gonna take a little while to get used to this.
Church: You're not pregnant.
Caboose: Wade and I where just standing outside the base, and then Leo came by to 'hi' to us but, then he told me to he could see Andy's twin but, when I turned around, Andy...
Church: Whoa wait, why would Leo tell you he could see, 'Andy's twin'.
Caboose: I don't know! But, he was very helpful.
Wade: I swear, he was distracting us!
Church: And let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone.
Caboose: Yes. He was... gone.
Wade: I bet the reds are doing something with Andy.
Church: Huhh, everybody stay here. I'll be right back.
Doc: Wait, what do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?
Tucker: It's not mine.
Church: He is not pregnant!
Caboose: And what about Andy?
Church: And that's not Andy, just look, stay here!
Wade: Where are you going?
Church: Don't worry about we're I'm going, I need you to stay in charge while I'm gone! (Walks away)
Wade: Alright then.
Tucker: Ahw, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
Doc: Oh boy, Wade? Better go boil some water.
Wade: Hopefully the base has gas still. (Walks away)
Caboose: How can you think of soup at a time like this?
Blood Gulch
To Andy translating Lopez's message from Red Command.
Andy/Vic: Here are your orders for winning the war. Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And, please win, thank you.
Leo: I could of told you guys, this from the very start!
Sarge: Don't worry about that, Leo! We had fun doing it didn't we?
Leo: (Smiles) I guess so.
Sarge: (Smiles/Whispers) That's my boy.
Grif: That's totally, totally lame. And not at all surprising. Which is also totally, totally lame.
Simmons: I don't know 'bout that Grif, I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there. Right Sarge?
Sarge: Simmons have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!
Simmons: Oh, that's what I meant.
Leo: Eliminate the enemy, we've been trying to do that for the past years! I'm starting to think command, has lost it!
Grif: Lost it? When did they have it?
Donut sees Church coming, towards them from a distance.
Donut: Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!
Leo: (Takes a closer) That's looks like..... (Sighs) Church.
Grif: Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!
Sarge: Uhh, I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass....Jackass. I'll kill ya!
Donut: Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.
Leo: Well, there's no shame in trying.
Simmons: What're you talking about Donut, the tank isn't coming out here. Look it's not even moving.
Donut: Yes it is, look!
Grif: Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it.
Sarge: Just leave me alone. *Sarge starts crying*.
Leo: (Stern) Grif! Knock it off!
Grif: What! I'm just telling him the truth!
Simmons: Donut, I am looking, if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.
Donut: It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!
Simmons: What tree, there aren't any trees out here!
Leo: Grif, you better make it up to, Sarge!
Grif: FFFFFiiinnneee!
Leo: (Mumbles) Jesus, I feel like a dad.
Grif: (Sighs) You wanna call me an idiot, Sarge? That always makes ya feel better.
Sarge: Oh, shut up moron.
Grif: Heh, feels better, right?
Sarge: Yeah, I guess a little.
Simmons: Nope, not moving.
Donut: Yes it is! See, look closer!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Sheila fires in to the rock behind Simmons and Donut.
Leo: JESUS CHRIST!
Simmons: Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.
Donut: RUUUN!
The Reds scatter ... all behind a single rock.
Donut: We're gonna die!
Simmons: Leo, Can't you use your gun on it!
Leo: It's just a prototype! It can't blow a goddam tank, up!
Sarge: Run, men!
Simmons: Ah, run away!
Grif: No!
Simmons: Please don't kill me!
Grif: No!
Leo: Why the hell are they shooting at us!?
Simmons: Not the fucking tank!
Donut: Run!
The reds all gather up, behind a rock.
Sarge: Regroup men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo.
Grif: Uhhhh...
Sarge: Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.
Simmons: Already on it, Sir.
Sarge: Leo, pass me my shotgun ammo, I handed to you, earlier!
Leo: (Passes the ammo to Sarge) Here you go.
Simmons: Wait, I thought you always let me hold onto your shotgun ammo?
Leo: Ummm..
Sarge: There's been a slight adjustment but, return fire, men! I'll call for reinforcements. Come in Command, come in!
Vic Jr.: Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on, that sounds like fun.
Sarge: Vic, we need help. Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.
Simmons: Okay, how 'bout we give them our base?
Donut: Oh, good idea! We could live in the caves!
Leo: Were not surrendering maybe, they just want to talk.
Simmons: Or we could just let them kill Grif!
Sarge: Simmons you're supposed to negotiate their surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?
Leo's, Simmons', Grif's, and Donut's heads emerge right to left from above their rock in a comical way
Simmons: Hey Blues!- Up- I mean, Blue! We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!
Church: Wha- why would I-
Sheila fires, loudly.
Church: Hey, hold on a second Sheila. Why would I surrender!?
The Reds mumble something including the word sandwich at least twice behind their rock before re-emerging.
Simmons: Uh, because you're outnumbered!
Church: Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!
The Reds mumble something actually incoherent behind their rock before re-emerging again.
Leo: Seems kind of pathetic if you need a tank to beat us!
Church: It's not pathetic, it's called being smart!
Leo: .....seems pretty pathetic.
Church: Take that back, young man!
Leo: .........make me.
Church lifts his sniper rifle and shoots....... which completely misses Leo by a mile.
Leo: (Sarcasm) Wow, nice aim there!
Church: Whatever, besides your my son, Shouldn't you be on my side?
Leo: Well one, where both on different teams and two, I dislike you..... very much.
Simmons: ....And we also think that it's your turn to surrender.
Church: WHAT!?
Simmons: Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered, and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now, that means that...
Church: Sheila, shut him up.
Sheila fires at them.
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Donut: Is that a no?
Church: Okay look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY, don't have time for this horseshit right now!
Grif: Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
Leo: Apparently, that Tucker guy is...... pregnant.
Church: He's not pregnant! That's impossible.
Andy: (laughing) Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?
Church: What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Andy: Uhhh I mean uhhh alien baby!? Uh that's shocking! I am shocked.
Leo: I guess that explains why Itzal been watching, Tucker throughout the quest.
Radio sounds.
Caboose: Come in Church, come in.
Church: Caboose, what did I tell you, man, you're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great - now I'm on the radio too.
Caboose: Oh that- that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio aaand, O'Malley is gone.
Church: Oh my God!
Sarge: That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
Blue Base
To Blue Base where Tucker is giving birth to the alien baby.
Tucker: Ohh, hee hee hee hooo, huuugggghhh
Doc: Congratulations, it's a - thing. Eugh.
Alien Baby: ~Mommy! Mommy!~
Blood Gulch
Back to Church and the reds.
Church: What was that?
Caboose: Oh, well, that's the other thing I called about, um, Tucker had his gross baby.
Tucker: It's not mine!
Church: He is not PREGNANT! Sheila? Stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
Donut: A baby, wait up! I wanna see!
Sarge: Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.
Leo: Also Church, did say if we moved Shelia would shoot us.
Donut: Shelia wouldn't hurt me, where like BFF's..... I think. Besides, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!
A ship lands right on top off Donut.
Simmons: Ship's here.
Grif: Shotgun!
Leo: HOLY SHIT! Donuts dead!!
The End
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Author: That wraps up season 4 now🎉! I just want to say big thanks to all the readers who've been supporting the rvb stories and that they've been a great help!
But, now where moving onto the season 5 which will finish the blood Gulch chronicles! It's going to be pretty crazy so, buckle your belts and enjoy the ride!