My love,
Don't walk so fast
Don't go too far out
my heart's tied to your fingers
and there're places I can't follow.
"Kai, look at this," I laughed, walking out of my room to Kai's room. He was on his bed with his phone pressed to his ear. "Who you talking to?"
"Jessica," He cleared his throat, I smirked at him. "Nina says hi," He spoke to Jessica, even though I didn't say anything at all. He waited a few minutes until she replied. "Jessica says hi and that she wants to meet soon."
"Tell her to drop by," I smiled, dropping my body on his bed, lying next to him. I heard her voice through the phone and when Kai answered, I heard the slight hint of joy in his voice. I couldn't help but smile.
It was a recent thing but not because it was recent did it mean it wasn't real or that it was a fling. Kai seemed to really like her, like he was actually interested in having a relationship with her. I didn't know about her but sometimes whenever she came over, she looked smitten by him. I couldn't understand it because it was Kai, I met the boy when he was sticking a snot in this other boy's back because he cut the line and went before him to grab lunch.
Disgusting, I know.
I really hoped the best for him if being with her was what she wanted.
"I'll call you later, when you finish work?" He asked, laying on his side, supporting his head and keeping his phone pressed to his ear with his left hand, meanwhile, he tried to get this thick index finger inside my nose. I wiggled away from his prying fingers but he managed to get closer and closer every single damn time. "Alright, be careful. Yeah. Aha. Bye."
"Somebody's catching feelings," I sang, slapping his hand away. I looked at him just in time to see him rolling his eyes.
"Fuck off," He groaned, laying on his stomach and burying his face on his pillow. "What did you want to show me."
I took my phone back out, just when Peanut jumped on his bed and climbed on Kai's back to later lay down to sleep.
"I hate your cat."
"Our cat."
"Why do you have to be a cat lesbian?" He groaned but I could see right through his façade, he was trying really hard not to move and annoy Peanut.
"You and I both know we couldn't take care of a dog," I sighed, opening my messages and looking for my mum's contact, I gave him the phone for him to read. "Look."
I could see the way his face went from unamused to interested to then end up with a small smile on his face. "This is good, isn't it?"
"Very good." I smiled and grabbed my phone from him.
I looked down at my screen and I read through my messages with my mum.
After I moved, I sent her a bunch of text, I knew she read them but she didn't reply, she just read them. After the first month, she'd reply with two-word answers like you too, good morning, good night, be careful and so on. A few weeks after she began to pick up a conversation, asking me about Kai and my job, wondering if I'm eating every day, if I'm showering every day, if I'm cleaning the house and watering my plans, washing the rice before cooking. A few months in, she subtly asked me about Ceci and I told her Ceci was doing fine, she told me she saw Ceci at the town's supermarket and Ceci told her she had seen me a few days before. That was when Ceci came to see me.
Later on, my mum began to send me pictures of new plants she had, I sent her a picture of the bamboo we had, she went and got herself one. I sent her pictures Peanuts and she told me her brother was allergic to cat hair. It was weird, Mum never talked about her brother. He died when she was 12, she barely said his name. Actually, I only found out she had a brother when I was 12, when granddad showed me a picture.
She was trying, she was really trying and I couldn't explain just how happy it all made me. We still had our moments and sometimes she wouldn't text me back for a whole day but I knew we were making progress and we weren't fixing the relationship we had, we were creating a new one. A better one.
Her last message made me get up from my bed and walk to Kai's room with excitement and joy, it read: Maybe one day during holidays, you and Ceci could come over.
Fair enough, Ceci and I weren't together and it was a detail that I was willing to ignore and pretend like didn't affect me for a couple of weeks. I wasn't prepared to talk about it, even though it had been a whole two months. The point was that my mum was willing to be under the same roof as me and a person she believed to be my girlfriend. She was willing to be in the same room, sharing a table and a room with us, conversating and asking things with me and my girlfriend.
If that wasn't progress, I don't know what was.
"I'm happy she's coming around," Kai smiled.
"Yeah, Dad told me she's been talking about me more openly? Like at first, he said how she would barely talk about me, then she started asking him about me and he kept saying 'text her and find out' and then how she kept having these conversations about me? He said she really was trying."
"Tobias?"
"Dunno about him, I don't think he wants her in his life, to be honest," I shrugged. "He's coming in a few weeks by the way."
"Ugh," Kai rolled his eyes and buried his head back on his pillow. I couldn't help but laugh.
Kai liked Tobias but he was a bit intimidated by him, sort of scared, I think. "I don't know why you're so intimidated by him, Tobias's a soft bear."
"A huge fucking bear, nevertheless." He groaned, "It's like the way he looks at me when we're together? Like I've got something that he doesn't and he doesn't totally like that? Like... I don't know, man, I just feel like he could rip my head off my shoulders with a flick of his wrist, his muscles are the size of my head, fam."
"He is pretty big," I laughed, ignoring what he said. Truth was, I think Tobias was sort of jealous.
When he first came, we barely had anything to talk about. I mean the first few hours we talked, he told me about how he had been texting Caleb and something about reviving a teenager thing. I told him about Ceci and I breaking up and how I was confused to say the least because I had my sources and I had been told that she was very sad. Of course, I didn't know how reliable my sources were since Lilly wasn't actually there to witness said sadness but whenever I got a text from Lilly, it was to either ask me to text Ceci because she sounded sad or to ask me what I thought about certain character from this TV show we both watched.
Tobias thought it was weird that I was texting Ceci's sister but... it was Lilly, I couldn't just not text her. Besides, just because I wasn't with Ceci anymore it didn't mean I didn't care about Lilly.
Anyway, the point being was that once Tobias and I ran out of things to tell each other, it became awkward. We had nothing to say to each other, we didn't know how to talk to each other. Worst bit was that he was staying for a whole of three days. So, in those three days, he saw just how close I really was with Kai, how we just connected and worked together like we were in sync.
Kai and I even had this unspoken agreement that on Wednesdays when I wasn't working the late shift and he'd get back home early from uni we'd go out to watch a movie and eat out to later come home and play games. It was a thing we did and when Wednesday came around, we, meaning Kai and me, met at the town centre like we normally do and we went about our day like normal. Except we both forgot that my 6-foot brother was home alone with a needy and sort of mean cat.
Tobias was annoyed to say the least but he got over it, or pretended like he did. Either way, when he left, Kai knew my brother wasn't his biggest fan.
"Can I ask something?" Kai asked, bringing me back from my thoughts, I already knew what he was going to ask, judging by the way he spoke. It was like whenever he brought up the subject, his voice got softer, nicer, he sounded kinder. I nodded, not wanting to talk about it but curious as to what exactly he wanted to know. "Have you talked to Ceci? Asked for a proper explanation?"
"There's no explanation needed, Kai," I sighed. "She wants to see other people so she asked, it's fine, it's not like we're together, anyway."
"But that's just— dude, that's fucking weird," He moved a bit too fast, making Peanut wake up and jump off Kai in an offended manner. "Like when I talked to her? She was just— she didn't want that?"
"But she said it."
"But she didn't want to," He rolled his eyes, standing up to glare at me.
"Kai, just let it go, Jesus." I snapped, standing up and walking back to my room, closing the door, I put my music on and taking my black notebook, I began to write my feelings away.
○ ○ ○ Cecily's POV ○ ○ ○
I forgot
Before you
I lived too.
I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.
I love her.
○ ○ ○
There were others
who wanted my body
soul
willing to give me the world
accepted what I was
what I am.
There were many others
they were good,
just not you.
"ENOUGH," Abby burst inside my room, startling me.
"Abby, what the hell!?" I gasped, a hand over my chest as I quickly put my phone away.
"I can't stand this anymore," She shouted frustrated, walking over my stereo and shutting it off.
"Umm—"
"I know you're sad but, Ceci, this is just— you haven't showered since Friday!"
"It's only Sunday—"
"Not my point!" She snapped, I flinched again. Seeing Abby like this was not usual. It wasn't Abby, it was more like... Mrs Johnson, Abby's mum. "You don't do your hair anymore, either and you used to do your hair every day! You don't wear makeup, you don't even care about matching your clothes, your socks, look!"
I looked down at my socks, my left sock was green, the right one was brown. An eyebrow lifted against my will. I wiggled my toes and smiled at the socks, the green sock was Nina's.
"You're doing it again!" Abby's voice brought me back to my room, "You're thinking about her, you get this stupid look on your face when you do."
"It sort of happens when you're in love," I shrugged.
"Babe, come on," Abby's voice became soft and caring, she sat in front of me with a worried frown. "Why did you say about seeing other people if you love her so much?"
I wanted to groan at her, I wanted to roll my eyes and be mad because nobody understood. However, getting mad and screaming or being rude would take way too much energy, energy that I didn't have.
"Because, Abby, if I kept her with me, if I keep her in this weird relationship/friendship we were in, at some point she would've felt stuck. Look at the way she was so obsessed with the girl she works with? I mean, I'm sure even Nina herself didn't notice just how smitten she was with the girl and it was painful to watch. I can't keep her tied to something that she doesn't want to be a part of because she will resent me for it.
"I— I know Nina, she gets scared and she runs away, I mean we spent four years in a relationship where I loved her alone, where I thought, I mean I truly thought that she was not in love with me, I believed that she didn't love me and all because she was scared of saying it.
"I love Nina and that's why I'm not— being all over it because if what she wants, if what she needs is to go out there and meet other people, find out what she likes, find someone better than me, then who am I to keep her from it?"
"You're hurting yourself—"
"But at least I'll have her with me, Abby," I sighed tiredly, why can't she get it? "At least I can send her a text and tell her that I miss her without her thinking much of it because we're still friends. I can be there for her, I can be in her life knowing fully well that she won't get scared of loving me as a friend and she won't run away from me. This way, she can see and meet other people and know whether she wants to come back to me or if she wants to find someone else. It will be her decision and— and I'll know then."
"And what about you?"
"Me?" I snorted, "I don't know, with time, I'll move on or something, that's life, right?"
Abby stared at me for a while, I bit my lower lip and when I couldn't keep eye contact, I look away. "You're scared," She finally said, I frowned, shaking my head.
"No— what did I just—"
"You're fucking terrified, aren't you?" She smirked with a cruel look on her face, I looked away from her. "You're covering your fear with all this selfless talk... truth is you're scared Nina will run away from you so you're ensuring that at least you'll have her in your life. You do know with all this shit, you're just hurting yourself, right?"
I didn't deny nor confirm it. I just looked away.
"Have you stopped yourself to think that maybe you've got all this wrong?" She asked me, I looked at her with a tilted head, she was frowning at me like I was some sort of idiot for not seeing things like she did. "No, seriously, I'm sorry babe but you really can't be this dumb."
She shook her head at me, "You think you know Nina so well but what if you got it all wrong? What if she's just 'smitten' by her because I don't know, she's a person and you're allowed to be obsessed with your friends and just people in general? It doesn't mean shit, Ceci." She rolled her eyes, her comments made me frown. "Have you stopped for a second and reflect on your situation right now? Perhaps, Ceci, you're the one running away, not Nina."
"That's bullshit, I'm—"
"This," She pointed at my wall where I had in big letters a quote from one of my favourite poems from Edgar Allan Poe, I had this guy from one of my classes come by and paint it nicely in my wall. "You're doing this."
I rolled my eyes at her, "That's not even what the quote is about!" I shouted after her, she turned around not even a little bothered by me.
All I loved, I loved alone.