☁︎
Kim Namjoon
"I-I..."
Then suddenly, a cold hand flew at my face, striking against my warm cheek. My head jerked to the side, my eyes wide. My face burned. And suddenly I couldn't breathe.
My mother had just slapped me.
But then I could breath all at once. And it came heavier and heavier. I brought a shivering hand to my face, slowly looking back to my mother.
"M-mom," I choked, feeling a pathetic lump form in my throat.
It wasn't even the fact that she'd struck me. It was the cold, unalarmed, unloving look in her eyes that had dimmed darker than ever.
"Do you think I raised you to write silly rhymes about your feelings?" She asked, her voice disbelieving. "After all I've done? Did you think that pursuing a vulgar, unrewarding career in that awful, pathetic excuse for music would be all right?"
I brought my hand back down to my side, my fists clenching harder. But I remained silent.
"Did you think I wouldn't notice how your grades have been dropping?" My mother continued. "How you've been leaving your homework unattended to go prance about with children on the streets?"
I let out another short breath, and they came quicker, like breaking waves as a storm began to form over an ocean.
"N-no, I wasn't—"
"Namjoon," Mother snapped. "I thought I had told you to never even think about pursuing these kinds of habits ever again."
Sudden flashes of her sharp tongue and stormy eyes whipped through my head as I remembered the first time I'd told her about my rapping. About Ignis. Then, somehow, Anna's clouded eyes when I'd first told her about my mom's reactions appeared as well.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, bowing my head low.
"I suppose I haven't been clear about what you must to do succeed," she said, sounding exasperated. "You obviously haven't been working as hard as you can to find a good college."
I closed my eyes, trying to think about what Anna was doing at this moment. But I couldn't focus when my mother let out a clicking sound.
"This won't do," she sighed. "I have to talk with your father about studying in the states again."
Her words sent shockwaves down to my core, and I whipped my head up. My eyes were desperate and my voice strained as I spoke.
"N-no, Mother. I can't go abroad, no," I pleaded. "I-I have to stay here and...and...Mother, please don't send me away. I promise I'll do better. I promise."
She shook her head and turned on her heels.
"Namjoon-ah. You can't succeed if you don't do your best," she said, tossing my writings to the ground. "I warned you in middle school about distractions. I better not have to warn you again. You're grounded for the remainder of the month. You cannot leave the house for any reason other than school."
As she walked off, I felt that warm feeling that had been present in my stomach diminish completely. Then I let out another long breath, sinking to the ground. As I slumped to the floor, my vision grew blurry. I felt weak and pathetic as I sat there, letting soft tears fill my eyes and run down my cold face. But the most honest words I'd ever let myself reveal, even if it were only to a piece of paper and a girl, who somehow was like me, were now lying on the ground. Seen by the only person who I ever wanted so much to see and yet at the same time to never see at all.
And now maybe everything that had started to feel right was gone forever.
☁︎
When I got to my room, I found my box laying on the ground, and all my raps strewn over the floor. I swallowed hard and kneeled down to pick it all up. I gathered the pieces of paper that I'd hidden so meticulously and made sure to be hidden from the world.
I knew she wanted them thrown out, so I put all of the notebooks and loose paper into a trash can. But this time, I took the trash can downstairs and outside. It was completely dark as I tossed the useless trash into the cans sitting at the edge of my yard.
I'd let myself cry like the pathetic being I was, but now I was numb. I felt nothing as I walked away from the trash cans, back to my dark and empty house. I felt nothing.
But as I reached for the backdoor, a voice hissed out and made me jump.
"Class President!"
I looked around, my heart racing. But then my eyes landed on Jung Hoseok, waving at me from some bushes. I decided to not even wonder how he'd ended up in such a situation.
He held up his phone as I walked over.
"I texted and called, but you didn't answer, so we just came here to get you," he explained, stepping out from his hiding place.
"We?" I asked weakly.
He nodded, that playful grin present and making me wonder if anything was actually different with the world. But then I felt the presence of my dark house as strong as ever, and I remembered that things could never be the same.
"The usual gang, obviously. We're going to Ignis, so come on," he said, reaching out to grab my wrist.
I was too tired and mentally exhausted to dodge his hand or to pull away once he'd gotten a hold of me. And as he dragged me to the car, I wondered what it mattered anyway.
I was leaving, either way.
☁︎
unedited.