I froze.
I just stood there, stock still at the sink and was quite unable to move any part of my body.
What the hell had he just said?
And had I actually heard him correctly? Or had my ears been deceiving me.
Did Alan Rickman just tell me that I was his daughter!!!!!
This was truly the most awful thing that I had ever heard in my entire life and I honestly thought that I was about to throw up.
I grabbed at the sink unit for support as I felt myself begin to rock slightly.
Don't faint, I told myself.
Please don't.
I couldn't bare it for him to catch me in his arms again, like he had done before when he had first given me the script in that lovely little tea room.
But this was terrible.
So truly terrible.
Oh my Goodness! I just couldn't carry on with the film now. Not in a zillion years, not with what we would have to do together! Besides armed with this information it just wouldn't be ethically right. Not right at all.
How could it be?
But if he already knew, what on earth was he playing at handing me a script like that in the first place!
I mean, he had already passionately kissed me!
Twice in fact!
Oh no! This is seriously fucked up!
How long has he actually known?
This must have been what he had wanted to speak to me about, so why had he waited until now to tell me?
Why had he waited for me to actually fall in love with him?
So many unanswered questions were now spinning around in my head and I was also aware that he was looking at me, staring at me in fact, but I couldn't turn around. I couldn't bare to even look at him.
But he had stared at me.
He had stared at me all that time ago, the very first time I clapped eyes on him, during the making of the Harry Potter film, The Goblet of Fire.
Heavens! Did he recognise me then?
Was that the reason for his constant staring at me? So much so that even Amelia had noticed and commented to me about it.
How could he have known about me though?
My stomach very suddenly twisted.
Of course! my Mother was with me during my time on the set.
Maybe they had been in contact right from the start. A little secret they had shared together for all these years, when I knew nothing at all about it.
No wonder he had been was so very keen to take me all the way to Shropshire to see my parents that time! And he had actually driven me there himself as well.
This was all now fitting perfectly into place!
So too was my Father's reaction towards Alan! I couldn't understand it at the time just why Father was particularly off with him, when he was usually such a friendly sort of a person.
Shit! That is why he never wanted me to become an actress in the first place. He had always been against it and I could never understand why! It was starting to become so clear to me now, crystal clear in fact. Little wonder that Sarah had always been the favourite with my Father. And this must have also been the reason why my parents had never attended any of the plays I'd been in either!
Tears began to prick at my eyes and a large lump began to constrict itself around my throat. This was just the most terrible of revelations imaginable and I wished now that I had just carried on walking when I had the chance and had never come back.
"Gwen?".
I heard a deep, low voice sound gently from behind me.
I grasped the sink tighter within my hands. I was very suddenly angry at hearing his voice and felt like yelling at him to get out.
But I needed explanations. I needed to hear from him, just what the fuck had been going on! I mean this is huge, this is immense this is going to change my whole life forever!
Jeez, no wonder he had been so cagey around me lately. All the little hints that he had been dropping about not wanting me to get too close romantically with him.
And then refusing to answer my question about if he had any kids, well, it all made sense now!
He had got one.........and it was me!
My stomach twisted and I began to feel very, very sick.
Had I actually been the product of a one night stand between him and my Mother? Or had they been in a relationship? Did they discuss me like I was some sort of mistake, had he actually paid maintenance?
Jeez! Did I have any half siblings that I needed to know about?
And how many other people knew about me?
Maybe he took it upon himself to tell me now before I actually found out from somebody else. Maybe Patricia knew and one or two others as well. The acting fraternity is a pretty close knit one, he was probably worried that one of them would drop the bombshell and then where would he be!
"Gwen!".
The voice from behind me said again, only this time a little more demanding.
I took in a breath, what did he expect now? Me to go running up to him, throw my arms around him and say hello Daddy!
Silent tears were starting to roll down my face. I watched as they dripped from the end of my nose and into the sink below me. This was the worst possible feeling I could ever have had. The man I thought I had fallen in love with had now turned out to be my sodding Father!
My stomach then lerched at a sudden realisation!
This is a carbon copy of the film I was in!
It had been no accident that Alan had put me forward to play the role of Christina Greebe, for the same thing was now happening to me that was ultimately going to happen to her!
Patricia had told me that he was really quite desperate for me to get the part and there was me believing it was maybe because he actually fancied me or that I may have acting potential, when in fact it was probably his way of trying to break this awful news to me!
What a cruel and heartless bastard!
He would know that I would pull out of the film once I found out the truth, because there was absolutely no way that I would be able to carry on with it, especially with all of those explicit sexual scenes we were required to do together!
He had probably no intention of ever having me properly cast. He more than likely had somebody else already lined up to do it. Someone more attractive, less nieve and therefore more experienced than myself. Someone who would be better suited to giving her all to play the part of Christina and not worry about getting her kit off in front of him and of course the camera crew. Someone with no inhibitions, who would be able to throw herself wholeheartedly into the role without being all shy and timid and without a clue in what to do with a man.
Someone who was totally opposite to the way I was.
Probably someone like Madelaine bloody Dawson!
My tears began to flow more freely by now and unable to hold onto my poor, tattered emotions any longer, I began to openly sob.
"Gwen.......will you now look at me". Alan spoke quite angrily.
I took in a breath and slowly turned around to face him.
Through misty eyes I could just about make out his expression. He was staring at me, waiting for me to say something, his head tilted to one side.
I swallowed hard, trying to prevent the tears from falling even more. But thought, why on earth should I? This was my life he had just this minute wrecked so why should I try and be brave.
I swallowed hard and took in a big, enormous breath.
"I........I......don't know what to say to you.......I can't even think.......". I began to stutter.
Alan gave a deep sigh.
" I thought you knew". He said, frowning.
I shook my head.
"No I didn't.........I mean.........well, It's just too much to take in". I said, as my breathing became more and more rapid.
"Well the tears are good, I'll grant you that ". He suddenly smiled. "Very convincing, but maybe you should concentrate more on your words than the emotions you are clearly conveying at this particular moment. "
I opened my mouth in horror!
What did he damn well expect me to say?
The cruel, heartless bastard!
"I........I.... think you ought to go". I said, angrily as more tears began to flow. "I can't deal with any of this, not at the moment"
There was silence as he continued to just stare at me.
"I think it's for the best". I went on, now trying my damndest to suppress my tears from him.
Alan took in a deep and deliberate sigh, then said quietly:
"I just wanted to help you. That was all".
I watched as he then turned and put the script, that he had been holding in his hands, back down onto the table.
"I do hope your head is better soon". He went on, making his way towards the door.
My head!
How dare he!
Its fucked up that's what it is! All thanks to him!
I thought angrily to myself.
He looked at me as he now opened the door.
I just glared back at him. The amount of suppressed anger that I now felt inside for him was immeasurable and I just wished that I had never ever clapped eyes on this man.
Alan then looked down, averting his eyes away from my teary, angered pair and without another word, made his exit out through the door, closing it gently behind him.
I took in a deep breath.
My God! He'd only gone and done it yet again!
Just a few moments ago, I had been standing here in this exact same spot,wishing and hoping for him to take me passionately into his arms.
Yet now....now, I really hoped that I would never have to see him again!
Yep! He had continued to make me want him so much it hurt and then bring me to my knees, but this time he had succeeded in doing it in the cruelest way possible.
How could such a secret be kept from me for my entire life!! No one had ever told me, never even hinted that I was the daughter of a big shot movie star.
I bet that was the real reason that he had agreed to direct our play. It had nothing at all to do with Hugo and his so called contacts. It was me. Alan had come to seek me out and that was also the reason why he had given me such a hard time.
He was disappointed.
Disappointed that I was only a part time actress in a lowly, small, terribly run down theatre.
Oh God, how I now hated and detested him!
I took in a breath.
There was no way that I could possibly ever go out there now and act in this film again. His revelations had most certainly seen to that!
How could I even carry on in the film industry now anyway?
I went back over to the table and picked up my bag. I had to go and see David and tell him that I wasn't going to be doing this film or indeed any film anymore.
I knew he would want to know my reasons why? But I'd let Alan explain that one, in the meantime though, I had to speak to the only other person who I was also rather angry with at the moment and that would be my Mother!
I looked at the script left opened by Alan on the table and tears pricked my eyes as I looked down at the neatly typed up words. They became all jumbled up and misty as the tears now splashed down onto the paper.
What had just happened in here today?
What had exactly gone on?
I sat down and rummaged in my bag for my phone.
No time like the present, I was going to ring my Mother, just to let her know that I now knew of her little secret and that she had quite a lot of explaining to do!
As I searched inside the bag, all sorts of things began to flash into my head, like how everyone had said that I looked like my Grandmother when she was younger.
My Father's Mother no less!
Maybe they were all trying to convince one another.
I pressed the programmed number of my parents home on my key pad. Neither of them owned a mobile phone incidentally, and listened to the ringing out sound.
It clicked.
"Hello". Came the gruff, half asleep reply.
"Dad?". I spoke, feeling the tightness in my throat constrict my voice on hearing him.
"Gwen?". He asked.
" Oh, Dad, I've just had the most terrible news". I squeaked.
" Why what's happened?". He asked, with a slight tone of concern.
I swallowed hard.
I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't.
"Is Mum there?". I asked.
"Erm, no. She and Sarah left earlier. Gone to Chester on some shopping trip. They will be back later". He answered.
" Sarah's over?". I asked surprised.
" Yes, she arrived last night". My Dad spoke proudly. "She's doing so well for herself you know, so she's treating your Mum to a day out. Get her something nice".
I bowed my head down. That was the thing with him. He was always so happy when Sarah was about and where I was lending money from them just to survive, Sarah was able to treat them!
Something that my poor, battered finances could never do.
"I see". I said sadly. "Well maybe, maybe I'll ring later on then".
"Yeah, well, don't leave it too late. Sarah's taking us out for a meal tonight". He said.
I gave an almighty sigh.
"Oh, right.....I see". I said sadly.
There followed a silence between us, as I now contemplated my situation.
My younger sibling had obviously made both my parents ever so proud with a well paid, successful career and there was I barely scraping by on a pittance of a wage and still receiving handouts from them.
This was not how it should be at all, I mean I was well aware that money sure as hell does not buy you happiness, but at this very moment in time I was far from feeling very happy at all. In actual fact I had never felt so unhappy.
I had felt deceived and lied to by everyone that knew me.
If this is what my life held for me in the future, maybe I should take a different turn.
"Gwen? Are you alright?". My Father, asked me from the other end of the phone.
I swallowed hard.
"No Dad, I am not". I replied.
I took in a very deep breath.
"Look, I really must speak to Mum. Is it alright if I come up, sooner rather than later?". I asked him.
"Oh, Well.........Sarah's here, you see....". He stuttered.
"And........? Your point is?". I spat angrily.
"There isn't really any room, it could be just a bit awkward". He went on.
I gave a sigh, with Sarah about it seemed as if I wasn't really wanted but at this moment I preferred to think that my own situation was far more important than any shopping trip,meal out or any other gift that she could bestow on my ever grateful parents.
So I took in a deep breath.
" Well, I've made the decision to give up on my acting career".
The words I spoke didn't seem to ring true, even after they had come tumbling out of my mouth.
I waited for the response and I wasn't disappointed.
" Come to your senses at last?". He said with the tone of voice that was laced with pure satisfaction.
"It's just not possible for me to carry on anymore". I said, feeling the tightening of my throat.
There was a silence for a second before he asked:
"And the reason is?".
My breathing became very rapid. I couldn't tell him that I knew, not before I had spoken to Mother. It wouldn't be right.
"Look". I said. "I need to come up. I need to talk to Mum. To both of you".
More silence followed.
My Father was thinking.
Maybe he was starting to guess what I now knew.
Perhaps he realised that the past was about to come back to haunt him and after all these years of covering up the truth, I had finally found out that I was the daughter of a famous film star!
"Perhaps you should then". He spoke quietly.
I gave an inward sigh.
"When were you thinking of coming?". He asked, his voice sounded sad and almost defeated.
It wasn't how I had been expecting him to sound after he had got his wish that I was saying goodbye to the acting world.
I thought he would have been happy and relieved.
But the voice on the other end of the phone was quiet and subdued.
I suppose it was a big thing for him to actually come to terms with the fact that the little girl whom he'd brought up as his own, now knew that the person she'd always called Daddy was not her biological Father.
I almost felt sorry for him.
I took in a deep breath.
" If I can arrange some transport, I should be with you later on today". I gulped. "If not......then I will be there first thing in the morning".
More silence followed with my Father then asking, right out of the blue:
"Will.....um....er......will that Alan fellow be coming with you?".
My stomach twisted suddenly at the mention of his name and I felt strangely light headed.
I took in a deep breath.
"No, he will not be coming with me I can assure you of that". I answered almost angrily.
" I'm going to see if I can arrange with someone else to bring me. I'm quite sure I can find somebody". I sighed.
"Very well then". My Father answered, "And if we're not in, if you should arrive later on tonight, the key will be left in the usual place".
"Thank you". I said quietly. "I hope to see you later then".
"Ok Gwen and just take care, alright?". He said, sounding almost concerned about my well being, which I found quite disturbing.
Clearly having my sister staying over had mellowed him somewhat, or it could have been the fact that he knew the reason for my impromptu visit and felt a little bit sorry for me.
To be honest, I kind of felt sorry for myself anyway.
I hadn't asked for any of this and I sure as hell didn't deserve it either.
I looked down at my phone and saw the wording on it saying Call Ended so I put the phone down and sat back in the chair letting out a huge deep breath.
I had now fully convinced myself that I was most defiantly the product of some sort of a fling that my Mother had had with Alan Rickman. Everything had slotted so perfectly in place, it would be hard now to convince me otherwise.
But how had it happened?
Was she with my Father when I was conceived?
Had it been an affair? A fling or just a one night stand?
I needed to know all of this and the sooner the bloody better!
Picking up the phone once again, I now knew that I would have to find someone with a car, who would be prepared to drive me up to Shropshire to confront my Mother in all of this.
The obvious choice would have been in fact Alan himself after all it was to do with him as well. But I really couldn't bring myself to even look at him at the moment, never mind ask him to take me up to my parents again to have all of this out!
No I needed the services of somebody else. Somebody I could talk to. Someone who would basically not turn a hair when I told them all about this sad somewhat sordid situation.
I picked up my mobile again and scrolled down the list of numbers of people that I knew. There were not that many, to be honest and those that were listed didn't have a car anyway. Most of my friends lived in or around London so had no need of a vehicle. As it was, parking was at such a premium that actually owning a car was a rarity amongst my associates anyway.
But there was one person.
One person who had a car and who I had once been very close with.
Ashcroft Jennings.
He would take me, wouldn't he?
I suddenly found myself pressing his number on the keypad and within two rings, he had answered.
"Hello".
"Oh, Hi Ashcroft its Gwen". I said, feeling my stomach twist and wishing that I had rehearsed what I was about to say to him.
"Hello Gwen. How are you?". He asked.
"Not good to be honest". I sighed "Look, I was wondering whether or not you'd be able to do me a humongous favour and take me to Shropshire".
"What to your parents?". He asked.
I smiled to myself.
He had still remembered that my parents lived there and that pleased me no end.
"Is everything alright?". He asked.
I gave a big sigh.
"No, no really. I've just heard something quite devastating and I really need to see them". I said, feeling the now familiar tightness in my throat as the tears tried to flow, yet again.
"Of course I'll take you". Ashcroft said hurriedly. "When do you need to go?"
"Umm...........straight away?". I asked.
"Ok........". He said slowly. "So, where are you now?".
"At the studio's, Brocklehurst studio's on ................". I went to explain, but he cut me off before I had a chance to give him directions.
"I know where it is". He said. "I'll be with you in half an hour". He went on.
I suddenly felt a wave of relief wash over me.
I was about to be rescued from this awful place by someone who I could actually rely upon and who showed me, that despite everything, was going to be there for me.
"Thank you Ashcroft, I really do appreciate this you know". I croaked.
I heard him laugh a little in my ear.
"Absolutely no worries Gwen. It will do the beast good to have an actual journey to go on, and a run out to Shropshire will do us both good".
I smiled to myself.
Ashcroft's car really was a beast. A sporty bright blue, overstated vehicle that would turn heads whenever he got behind the wheel.
It had a twin exhaust, a huge spoiler and dark windows so you couldn't see inside. I actually remember him getting it and so proud he was of it, that he took me and José for a ride around Hampstead Heath, with José clinging onto the dashboard for dear life, as Ashcroft turned this way and that around each corner.
That was a good memory. One to treasure for always, in the days when I was just played small parts in plays at the theatre and was just so keen and eager to learn the craft of acting. When I had dreams and ambitions just to be any good with no worries at all about anything or anybody.
In the days when just a smile from a certain Ashcroft Jennings would have made my day and melted my heart.
Those were the days when I was so nieve about life.
The days before I actually knew anything about the existence of Alan Rickman!
Ashcroft was coming to rescue me and I couldn't have felt more relieved that I was now heading back to where I had come from. Away from London, away from the film set and away from acting.........for good!
I replaced the phone back into my handbag, now that my conversation with Ashcroft had now ended, although I felt sure that he would want to know more about my dilemma during our journey, I didn't really want to tell him too much, until I had got things a bit clearer in my own head.
I looked back down at the script before me and stared at the page. I should be out there now, going through my lines with Jeremiah Johnston and looking forward to my next scene and enjoying my time on the film set, not hiding away in here, waiting for someone to come and take me away.
This felt all so wrong, but what else could I do?
What would anybody do in my position!
I glared down at the words on the script, the words I should be now saying in my scene. I began to feel so very sad. I loved the film industry, I loved acting but I really couldn't do it any longer. It was just not possible at all.
Tears began to prick my eyes and the words before me started to blur as teardrops trickled from my eyes once again and down onto the page.
God! All I seemed to be doing today was crying!
Angrily I wiped my hand across the wetness of the page, smudging the the text as I did so.
Oh shit!
Now I couldn't read what Christina's response was to her Father's statement, although I should have been able to memorise it. I squinted at the illegible words now all mingled together in one horrible blue mess. It was no good, I wouldn't be able to read it now anyway.
I then took a deep breath.
What was I thinking?
I don't need the script now!
I was finished with acting remember?
I scolded myself for thinking that I would and for trying to make sense of the blur on the page.
I closed the script with a forceful bang and pushed it across the table away from me.
Yes! I had absolutely finished with that part of my life once and for all.
More especially, although it hurt me to even think it, I had also finished loving that man Alan Rickman.