Present. December 11th, 2018.
I need to distance myself from Carson... and soon.
He's currently sat on my couch, shoving Doritos in his mouth with his face fixated on the TV. I think we're watching a Yankees game, but I can't remember. He and my father have become acquainted, not without the "what are your intentions" talk. That was embarrassing.
I've repeated to my parents that he's only a friend of mine, but they love to harass me and say he'd be a good man for me or something dumb along those lines. Carson laughs and shakes it off.
On Thanksgiving, he practically ran over here after his family dinner to drop off a pastry dessert that one of his sisters made. He claimed to have helped make it, but I knew he didn't.
He always finds me in school before the first bell. He still offers me rides home from work, even though he knows that since it is now winter, I drive. He's always there, whether I like it or not.
Unfortunately, he's hard to read. Unless he's acting jealous or notably different than how he usually is, I can't understand him. Somehow, he can see right through me, always pointing out when I'm not feeling my best or when I'm moody. Maybe I'm just unobservant.
Our bond has gotten concerningly strong. I've developed feelings that I'd rather not express, but I can't help it, and I know for a fact that he knows. He's become more cocky and playful around me. I think it's because he's just comfortable with me now, and I didn't realize it until now, but I'm the same way. I feel good around him. Like I can honestly be myself. He doesn't make fun of me if I don't wear makeup and he doesn't judge me if I decide I don't want to say a word. He doesn't question me if I'd rather sit on the couch, watch a movie, and enjoy one another's company rather than speak. He listens, and that's why I've begun to look at him as more. I know it's wrong though. I know it would never work, and that's why I need to distance myself from him. As soon as possible too.
After all, why would he go for a dark and depressed girl like me when he could have one of the out-going, beautiful, normal, mentally-healthy girls?
"Lenaaaaa," Carson waves his hand in front of my face with a smirk. "did you hear me?" He asks.
I shake my head. "No, sorry. What's up?" I don't notice my fathers presence until I look over at him frowning at the TV.
"Lenny invited you over for dinner. He made too much, and my sisters are harassing him. You up for it?" I wanted to say no, but I didn't want him to leave just yet, so I nodded and turned to my Dad.
He was already looking at me, a smile evident on his face. He blinked once and gave a nod of his head.
Carson said goodbye to my father with a shake of the hand and the weird "bro-hug" that guys do. He then, like the gentleman he is, went to the kitchen and thanked my mother for having him other.
Once he decided he was all set to get going, he absentmindedly grabbed my hand, something he'd been doing a lot lately, and walked me outside. I'm not sure when it became something that we just got used. All I remember is the first time Carson grabbed my hand; he didn't let go until I looked at him with a perplexed look. A small tinge of pink rose to his cheeks with his bright smile and let go of my hand, apologizing soon after. I couldn't even think about the hand holding; I could only think of the fact that he was blushing.
He opened the door for me once we got to the car and I scowled at him. "Can't you just let me be the kind, charming gentleman that I am for once?"
I scoffed. "Why of course, Carl, but can you be the kind and charming gentleman without throwing cheesy in there too?" He laughed, as usual.
"You know what? It sucks that being a gentleman is considered cheesy. You read too many books!" He let go of my hand as I hopped into the car.
"You can never read too many books!" I shut the door before he could do it for me and he shook his head with a grin on his face as he circled to his side of the car.
Once he hoped it, he handed me the aux-cord, as usual, and told me to avoid anything "too dark." I just shrugged and told him to play shitty radio-station music.
"Alright, here's a spreadsheet. My sisters tend to be overbearingly annoying, Lenny is well, you know, Lenny. My parents are non-existent, and it's always cold in my house." Wait.. what?
I frowned. "Carson, your parents?" He returned my frown and sighed.
"My father died to an accidental drug overdose when I was about nine-year-olds. I've practically raised my sisters since my mother was off gambling. She finally decided that she couldn't have us around anymore, so she dropped us off here and ran. Lenny nor I have heard from her since." He started up the car and turned out of my driveway, refusing to look at me and gluing his eyes to the road.
"God, Carson. I'm so so sorry. I - uhm - I don't know. I'm just sorry." I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond. How does one respond to such life hardships like that?
"Don't be sorry, Bright Eyes. We're better off. I barely saw either of them anyway." He just shrugged and turned up the music. I decided not to press him on it anymore. God knows I wouldn't want to speak about it either.
What surprised me was, he knows most of my family issues, hell, he has experienced and therapized me through some of them. He never once complained about his situation. He never once brought it up.
He went along the rest of the drive singing along, terribly might I add, to the music blasting through the small car speakers. Between Carson's voice cracks and my tone-deaf voice, we could win an award for 'worst singers on the planet.'
When we arrived at Carson's house, I admired the doc I had become so fond of over the years. I hadn't been there in a while. Considering the lake was nearly entirely frozen, and small snowflakes littered the ground, it wasn't always possible for me to make my way down there. I decided I would sit down there tonight.
As soon as Carson opened the front door, I was mobbed by Cleo, his adorable baby sister who I'd met at Lenny's. Ever since then I've always had a soft spot for her. Little kids bring out the best in me.
"Pretty! Why haven't you come to see me?! I've lost three tooths." She smiled big for me, and I laughed, kneeling to her height.
"Sorry, Cleo! I've been a little busy." I said before smiling. "But wow! You're getting a lot of money from the tooth-fairy aren't you?" She shrugged and patted me on the head before running over to her brother and tugging on his pant leg.
Two other girls, looking a bit older than Clea stood in front of me, both hiding behind their hair. "Hi girls, I'm Lena," I said softly, putting my hand out for them to shake.
"I'm Evelyn," The girl to the right with her long curly brunette locks said, smiling at me. "This is Evie."
"Nice to meet you, girls." Evelyn was a hugger because she gave me a giant bear hug and said something so soft that I missed it, but I figured it wasn't important, so I didn't ask for clarification. I didn't press Evie to talk either, after all, I understood not wanting to speak to strangers as much as the next girl. I just gave her a reassuring smile.
Once the girls ran off, I looked up to see Carson smiling down at me a look of... adoration in his eyes. Hmm.
"What?" I asked.
"Hmm? Nothing." He responded.
"If you insist." I ignored his odd look and walked towards where the girls ran off.
"Kitchen is this way!' Carson shouted, I turned on my heels and walked past him, nodding. "I knew that." I shrugged.
...
Dinner was surprisingly pleasant. I always knew Lenny could cook considering he made the recipes for most of the things on the coffee shops menu, but damn, homemade lasagna? Count me in anytime.
While Carson was helping Lenny clean off dishes, I decided to sneak out to the doc, curling up next to the now frozen water. I wrapped my coat around me, trying my best to keep warm. I wasn't bothered by the cold though, in fact, I enjoyed it. The cold always attracted me. That's why I loved New York. Cold as hell in the Winter, warm and beautiful in the Summer.
I didn't stay alone for long though. Carson came up and wrapped a blanket around me, rubbing my shoulders a couple of times before sitting down next to me. "It's cold out here, Lena." He said, rubbing his hands together.
"No, Carl. It's beautiful out here. Isn't it weird how much life changes throughout one year? Water becomes ice; trees lose their leaves, animals hibernate... it's all so beautiful." I smile up at the sky, admiring the few stars that are gleaming.
"So are you." He says quietly, almost a whisper.
"What?" I asked, turning my head to him.
"You're right. It's all beautiful, but so are you. Just wanted you to know that." I was a bit shocked but more flattered than anything. Damn, I liked him. I liked him a lot. He was cold though, and I could tell. I extended my blanket with my arm, and he immediately scooched in.
"Being cheesy again aren't we, Carl?"
He shook his head. "Just being honest." Although his words surprised me, what made me stunned was when he pulled me in closer, wrapping his arms around me underneath the blanket and staring down at me. Whoever said brown eyes weren't beautiful is a liar.
I so badly wanted to pull away. Well, I didn't want to pull away, but a part of me knew that I should — the more reasonable part. Fortunately, I wasn't very keen on listening to that part today. I looked up to face Carson, taking in the expression on his face and in his eyes.
I thought I saw a small frown forming on his face. "What's wrong?"
"I want to kiss you, Lena." He said immediately, not wasting one second. Somehow I remained my regular expression even though I wanted to smile or yell at him, or I don't know, move. I couldn't do any of those things. I wouldn't.
Then my response was one that even surprised me. One that didn't require the overthinking I always had. "Why don't you then?" And once the words were put into the universe, he leaned down and met my lips, moving one of his hands to the small of my back, and the other to the side of my face.
I leaned into him further as our lips moved in sync, almost magnetic. It wasn't forceful or overdramatic, it was gentle and peacefully beautiful, just how I always wanted it to be. When his hands brushed against my skin, tingles went through my whole body, and I always thought that it was just something people spoke of and never experienced, but now I knew. I never wanted the feeling of his lips on mine to go away. I never wanted to not be around him. I wanted to be with him. With him with him.
When we separated, he looked into my eyes and studied them, looking for any emotion what so ever. As I looked into his eyes, I felt a new beginning looking back at me: one with just as much pain as the first, but a brand new feeling mixed within. I couldn't figure out what it was just yet. And maybe it was unrealistic, but right now? I didn't care. So I just smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder, not saying another word.