Harry's POV
I was so angry I was shaking.
I hung up the phone and resisted the urge to throw it across the room. I hadn't maliciously lied to her to get off the phone, I really did have an event to go to, although it was in an hour. But I had to get off, she sounded so broken and upset and it was all because of me. And the whole time she was trying to make me feel better. It was when she tried to apologize a second time that I needed to hang up. I was so mad and the last thing she needed was to listen to me rant and yell.
Usually any time this happened, a friend of mine being mobbed with me, I apologized profusely, they'd accept and we'd both move on. This was different. Not just because of what happened with Savannah, but because she did accept my apology and I couldn't move on. I felt so fiercely protective of this girl, even before she'd had the anxiety attack. When I saw that mob, I felt a sense of protectiveness I had only ever felt with my mum and Gemma. She looked so small and scared in that moment that I panicked. It probably hadn't been the best idea to make her go through them all, I should have called security and come up with another plan, but I had just wanted to get her away.
Just like I told her, I knew. I could tell right after meeting her she wasn't one for crowds and lots of new people, but I never imagined it would be like that. Seeing her crumpled on the floor, her whole body shaking, struggling to breath, was something I'd never forget. It was burned into my mind. I hadn't known what to do other than try to hold her and when she wheezed out an "I'm sorry" I couldn't stop the tears that had burned at the back of my eyes. It was my fault. No matter what she told me, I knew that much. I had been so selfish. I didn't know why I felt so drawn to her, but I felt such a strong urge to be around her constantly. She was quiet and kind and I felt at ease when I was with her, so much of our relationship and my actions towards her coming naturally to me.
As I sat there, stewing in my kitchen, I realized what was happening all at once. I had feelings for her. It was that simple, yet it had taken me over a month to recognize it. She was beautiful, something I definitely had noticed when I first saw her, but it was a different kind of beauty than what usually drew me in. A soft kind, one you particularly noticed when the sun was coming in through the window in her flat and was shining directly on her face. Or when she'd sit with her legs drawn up to her chest and giggle softly at mine and Nick's banter. In fact, I had thought it numerous times when we walked Gizmo, he had seen something and advanced forward quickly, quicker than I thought he could move. Giz was on the heavier side, but she assured me that he was fast. I had challenged her on that and she had smiled and told me she'd prove it. Suddenly, her and Giz had taken off running and when I caught up to them she was breathing heavily and laughing at the expression on my face. Her eyes had looked shockingly light with the early morning sun shining on her and she looked so joyful that all I could do was smile back at her. But for some reason I still hadn't put it together.
I knew I was sometimes quite touchy with her, but I tended to be like that with everyone. I would hang on people, lean my head on their shoulder, cuddle up a bit. But I hadn't noticed until now how much I truly enjoyed it with Savannah. I found myself wanting her to cuddle up against me, liking the feel of her by my side, herlegs wrapped over mine.
This was bad though. I learned early on in my career that relationships just weren't for me as long as I was doing this. Apart from Niall, the other lads had managed to maintain relationships, but I hadn't figured it out and I gave up. It seemed cruel, putting a girl through it for my own selfish benefit. Just because I didn't want to be alone. The last girl had harshly told me I wasn't worth the trouble, the mobbings and the death threats, and I slowly realized she was only being truthful. So I vowed that I wouldn't do it again, I'd settle down after this was all over. Trying to make it work while I did this was too hurtful to both of us. As it all clicked though I realized Savannah was the type I could see myself doing that with, trying with. Quiet nights in, takeaway and television, it was what we did already. As much as I realized I wanted to, I couldn't be selfish with Savannah anymore. I had to push her away.
I got ready quickly and headed out to the event I was scheduled to attend with the lads. Nick would be there too and I was already praying that he didn't try to discuss Savannah tonight.
---
I was sitting at a table with Nick, Zayn and Louis at some new club. It was dark inside, but had flashing lights going off with the beat of the music they were blasting. It was full of people, numerous other celebrities having been invited. They had finally stopped playing such ridiculously loud music and Nick took the opportunity to turn towards me. "Hear back from Sav today?" I groaned internally.
"Uh, yeah. I called her after she texted me back. She said she's alright." I looked down at my drink.
"Yeah, that's what she told me as well. Think she's telling the truth?" He asked slowly, but I just shrugged in response. "Well what'd she say on the phone?"
"That she was fine, alright? Same thing she probably told you." I answered back bluntly. I didn't want to talk about this right now.
"Oi! Are you guys talking about Harry's new bird?" Louis drunkenly shouted across the table.
"She's not my bird." I shot back shortly.
"If only." Nick mumbled under his breath.
Louis raised his hands, "Calm down, mate. You're texting her all the time and hanging out at her flat. Fair assumption if you ask me."
"Yeah, well, I didn't ask." I couldn't sit there any longer. I threw back the rest of my drink and got up to refill it. I didn't realize until I reached the bar that Zayn had followed behind me.
"Mate, you alright?" He raised his eyebrows. I didn't usually get so snappy with the boys, least of all Louis.
"Fine, Zayn. Don't wanna talk about it if I'm honest." I huffed out.
"Got anything to do with you and Savannah getting mobbed this morning?" He guessed smartly.
"Zayn." I said sternly.
"Alright, alright." He threw his hands in the air just as Louis had and backed off. "Sorry man, but if you wanna talk about it...whether it's tomorrow or after a few more of those," he pointed at my new drink, "you know I'm here."
I nodded appreciatively. I drank my new drink quickly and ordered another as I finished. As I motioned to the bartender I spotted a girl staring at me directly across the bar. She fit right in with the rest of the girls I had been tied to in past years and, as much as it disgusted me to think it, I knew she was already a done deal. She was eyeing me hungrily and biting her lip as if she was going to pounce on me from across the bar. I shook all thoughts of Savannah from my head and made my way over to her.
I knew there was hoards of people outside, most of them being paps, but I didn't care. I had to try to forget and this was what I was resorting to.
"Hi there," she purred.
"Hello," I answered back, trying my best to seem genuinely interested. "Enjoying yourself?" I cringed at my own attempts. I couldn't shake Savannah from my mind.
She shrugged. "I'm sure there are more...pleasurable things I could be doing," she stated as she moved a hand to my forearm. This time I cringed for her. She was an attractive girl, I wanted to tell her she didn't have to try so hard. But I was on a mission, so instead I leaned forward.
"I'm sure there are. Want to get out of here?" I resorted to asking bluntly. She nodded frantically, no doubt surprised by how quickly I suggested it.
We got to the door and I braced myself for the blinding lights.
---
I was woken up by phone going off multiple times. I rolled over slowly to check it. The screen lit up to display: Nick (2) iMessages
I sighed, not ready to deal with him, but opening them anyway.
Nick: Better not forget Sunday breakfast, wanker.
I'm proper serious, kick that slag out and get down here
I rolled my eyes because she hadn't stayed the night. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time anyone other than a mate had stayed the night at my house. I didn't let them. And Nick knew that, his only purpose in sending that message was to let me know he was annoyed at me. I got up and pulled on my black jeans from last night and the first clean black t-shirt I could find. I tossed clothing around until I found the bright blue beanie I was looking for.
I had thrown on sunglasses as well and kept them on as I approached the table Nick had for us.
"Hey bro," I greeted.
"Don't bro me, Harold. You ditched last night to leave with that slag!" He complained, as I knew he would. "Pictures all over the place this morning," he grimaced.
"Oi, calm down Mum. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to pull when I go out." I had already seen the pictures. Management sent them to me, angry that I was so obviously pissed in them. I wasn't sure why it mattered since I was of legal age now, but apparently it was a big deal to the "image." Nick wasn't usually one to care about who I was papped with though. Unless it was himself...or Beyonce.
"Not unless you're pulling Sav!" He shouted out after thirty seconds of staring at me like he was about to shit himself.
"Nick..." I sighed. I was not having this conversation while I was hungover at a breakfast restaurant.
"What Harry? Come on, tell me you haven't thought of this. There's no way you're gonna try and tell me you don't have feelings towards Savvy. I see the way you look at ‘er!" He ranted on. "Ever since we met ‘er!"
"I-" It would have been nice of him to clue me in sooner if he was so aware of my feelings. He had teased me numerous times about Savannah, making little comments here and there, but I always figured he was just taking the piss. He was sort of like an older sibling, teasing you about a friend of the opposite sex no matter what your relationship with them was. Nick was always good for that. But, apparently, he had meant them all which kind of made me wanna smack him one.
"AND yesterday, I've rarely ever seen you so messed up about something." He barreled on.
"Of course I've fucking thought of it Nick." I snapped. I hadn't realized until last night that all my passing thoughts about her, when I'd notice new things I liked about her, were my feelings for her growing. I had thought about it, in a way, I just hadn't realized it.
"I knew it! Then what's the problem?!" He threw his arms around wildly.
"You just mentioned it mate...yesterday. She can't deal with that. I can't ask her to deal with that. S'not fair." I shook my head.
"Then just keep on the way you are now, just hang out at her flat, have take away and watch your depressing tv." I was shaking my head before he could finish, he didn't understand. That wasn't fair to ask of her and I had already decided I wasn't going to be selfish.
"I'm not gonna ask her to do that. She deserves a real, proper relationship. Not whatever fucked up mess that she'd have to go through with me. Who says she would ever even want any of this with me?" I could see him ready to protest at that. "It is not fair anyway, Nick." I enunciated, desperate to end the conversation.
"You're ridiculous, Harry." He said seriously. "You deserve happiness too, you know. Not after all this is over either. Now. And if you're too blind to see that you could have it with Sav then you're a twat."
"Drop it." I said with, what I hoped, was an air of authority.
"Fine," he sighed. "I'm hungover too and I can't be arsed to deal with your dysfunctional view on relationships this early."
I snorted in response and let him tell me about what I missed during the rest of the night. His phone lit up on the table and I did a double take as Savannah's name caught my eye. He raised an eyebrow at me as he swiped his phone open.
"Hmm," he hummed.
"What?" I hesitantly questioned.
"Oh, I've been told to drop it." He replied bitchily.
"I hope you know you're impossible." I said dryly.
He smirked and blew me a kiss. "Well, seems to me that I was correct again. Shocker. Appears to me Miss Savannah obviously fancies you and has seen your pictures from last night."
Shit.
"What makes you so sure of that?" I inquired. He turned the phone to me in response.
Nick: Breakfast this morning still?
Savvy Baby: I don't think I can anymore..Is it just you and Harry?
Just us love.
Uh well, Connor's actually still here so I can meet youu for lunch or something later on if you'd like?
My stomach dropped. I had hurt her again. I was silently wondering if the extra "u" tacked on was accidental or a sly way of suggesting I wasn't invited. I looked up at Nick, who seemed to know exactly where my mind was and he just raised an eyebrow.
"Good. See? It's for the best and she knows it too." I said.
"No, she doesn't! She's probably just hurt you were off with some slag hours after you held her while she cried!" I never should have told him that. I had regretted it the second he started "aww"-ing at me. "She probably thinks you're a proper arse."
"She'd be right then." I mumbled.
"Harry," he tilted his head to the side and looked at me like a disappointed mum.
"Its true. Comforting some girl as she cries because of me and then going out and getting papped with some girl would fairly put me in the category of an arse." I reasoned.
"You couldn't be an arse if you tried, Styles. And I know that's exactly what you're doing." He huffed and pointed a finger at me. "You're trying to be all heroic and shit and stop this before it can really start by being the way the papers make you out to be and making her think she's better off."
I began to protest even though he was exactly right.
"No! Don't think I don't know your games by now. And who is that fair to? Not you and sure as hell not to Sav." He spat. He reached into his pocket, pulled out some cash to cover his portion of the bill and tossed it on the table. "Stop being a twat." And with that he left.
---
I was debating calling Zayn and taking him up on his offer to talk when my phone lit up.<
grimmers sent you a snapchat!
He was obsessed with the app, sending multiple pictures and videos a day even though most people had moved on from the fad. I unlocked my phone and opened the app to look at it, it was after noon and I figured he'd be at lunch with Savannah by now. Sure enough, I held down the notification and a picture popped up of Nick's hands wrapped around a boba tea and I could see Savannah's hand full of rings resting on the table. Nick had written across it, "seeing if it's gross as u say"
I tossed my phone down and as I did it lit up again. I couldn't resist grabbing it and opening the next one too. This one was a video and Savannah was sitting at the table with her own boba tea in front of her. "Ok, go!" Nick said in the background. She took a large sip and immediately cringed and puckered her mouth. "Oh yuck!" She smacked her lips adorably as Nick laughed at her. This time he had written "ur right" across it. I thought it was kind of a jackass move on his part to be sending me these, but I couldn't deny part of me was glad he did. I knew that was his plan.
I opened up Instagram to see the first thing on my feed was a post from Nick. It was of both him and Savannah, of course. Nick always insisted on "selfies" when he was out with people. She had a huge grin on her face while he leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek. It was captioned "savvy baby my puppy princess." I double tapped the picture quickly and continued scrolling. When I made it back up to the top again there were hundreds more comments on Nick's photo, all shouting and getting excited I had "liked" the photo. Some of the comments though were ranting about how Savannah was the girl I had been papped with twice now and speculating if she's just a friend or more, some of them asking Nick.
This was more of what I didn't want. She couldn't just be a girl in a picture with Nick, a friend. She had been tied to me so now that was all she was. Harry Styles' new possible girlfriend. That's it. I silently prayed that Nick would get her home before any paps saw them. He didn't get anywhere near as much attention as I did, but he still got papped out fairly often. And after yesterday morning I feared they'd recognize Savannah along with him.
I thought back to the morning, replaying it in my mind. I never would have imagined something like that happening to Savannah. I mean, sure, I knew she was shy, but I never would have thought she had severe anxiety like that. I selfishly wondered why she never spoke to me about it, which was stupid, I know. When would that have ever come up? It was like I wanted to know everything and anything about her, no detail seeming too small.
I also recalled my conversation with her brother...
***FLASHBACK***
I had been holding a sleeping Savannah for a little over an hour when the door finally cracked open, a boy that I could only assume was Connor walking in.
"Um hi," I whispered.
He knelt down on the floor next to us and hadn't taken his eyes off Savannah. I took a moment to take in his appearance. He had a slanted jaw, dark brown hair and slightly tanned skin. His eyes were exactly the same dark brown shade as Savannah's. He was quite a muscular looking kid, which I wasn't expecting when she told me he was an art student. Truthfully, he looked like he could kick my ass. I hoped he didn't want to.
"Why're you on the floor still?" He asked in a hushed tone.
I shrugged slowly, "Didn't want to risk waking her."
"Let's move her to her room, yeah?" He suggested. I stood slowly and we went into her bedroom. I had never been in there before, but didn't have time to look around now. As soon as she was in bed we tiptoed out and into the kitchen.
"So you're Harry..." He said in a tone that said he wasn't sure how he felt about me yet.
"Yeah. It's really great to meet you, Savannah talks about you all the time. Just wish it wasn't," I cleared my throat awkwardly, "like this."
"I'm guessing you didn't know about all that?" He asked, cutting right to the chase as he waved a hand in the direction of the living room
"No, no. She, um, she never told me. I mean, I've obviously noticed she's quite shy and gets nervous, but like I ne-never thought..." I trailed off. Now that Savannah wasn't in my arms and I was thinking of what happened my anger was growing.
"Yeah, she hides it well. Doesn't like people knowing really." He eyed me cautiously and then sighed loudly. "You know what? I can't do protective, scary brother right now. To be honest, I'm just bummed this has happened ‘cause she was doing really well and hadn't had an attack in a while. And I'm exhausted and was just hoping to come over to get a free meal and see my sister. So do you want some tea?" He rushed out all at once.
My eyes widened. He hadn't blamed me at all, but I was still silently fuming at myself. There was no way I could sit here with him and drink tea and wait for Savannah to wake up, only to pretend that what happened wasn't my fault.
"No thanks, I can't." I extended a hand out to him and he shook it. "I've got to go. Um, it was nice to meet you."
"You too." He called out as I fled out of the flat.
***END FLASHBACK***
No doubt her brother thought I was a total nutter and probably advised her to stay away from me after my sudden departure. But he himself told me she hadn't had an attack in a while and she meets me and boom. The information he gave me was only fuel to my fire as I sat here fuming yet again.
I finally closed the app out and called Zayn.