Banyan Bradford, 45
Zombie Rights Activist
When Lucas and I arrived, we saw a large tract of fenced-in land, a few acres at least. It was quite pastoral, save for the razor wire fences and the zombies that were wandering around aimlessly, growling. A beaming Banyan jogged over to greet us.
Welcome to ZAPT — Zombies Are People Too — the world's first Zombie Rescue!
Well, congratulations, Banyan. You have really outdone yourself.
Why, thank you!
Yup, against all odds, you somehow found a way to make people hate you even more than they already did. Bravo.
Why don't you learn about ZAPT's mission before you condemn it?
Can't I do both at the same time?
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
It was but... forget it. Tell us about your mission.
We at ZAPT are dedicated to stopping the the mistreatment and murder of our fellow Zombie-Americans.
How are we mistreating zombies?
How are we not mistreating zombies? Lighting them on fire? Blasting them with shotguns? Running them over with trucks? Chopping their heads off with chainsaws?
In self-defense!
Ha! That's always humanity's excuse. We have to get them before they get us. Isn't that what you're thinking?
Yes, it is.
Well, nothing could be further from the truth, but you believe it because you've been brainwashed by centuries of anti-Zombie propaganda. It's kind of like... well, do you know why pit bulls have such a terrible reputation?
Because they have been selectively bred to be vicious murder machines?
That's what everyone thinks, but in truth they are actually an extremely friendly and loving breed. It is the abuse at the hands of human beings that turns a very small fraction of them mean. It's the exact same thing with the so-called "zombies."
Color me skeptical.
OK, then ask yourself this: Why do we kill sharks?
Again, I'm going to have to go with "vicious murder machines."
Sorry, but that's another media creation. They almost never attack people. Especially on land. In the last year we were keeping records, sharks killed exactly seven humans, while humans killed at least one-hundred million sharks! Do you realize that that means?
Yeah. We're kicking some serious shark ass!
[Sighs] It means that we, not they, are the aggressor. And you want to hear something amazing? In the same year, cows killed twenty people! Let that sink in for a minute. Cows killed three times as many people as sharks! So I put it to you, Mr. Rubicon: Who are the true vicious murder machines?
Uh, cows, I guess.
You're missing the point.
I was joking. Don't you have any sense of humor?
There is nothing funny about cruelty.
So I should put you down as a no?
That's fair.
I get what you're saying, but let's not forget: The zombies want to eat us!
Do they?
Yes!
I'd like to introduce you to another member of the ZAPT family. This is our outreach coordinator, Morris.
MORRIS: Rrrrrr.
Robot Jesus on a pogo stick! He's a zombie!
MORRIS: Rrrrrr!
Whoa, easy there buddy! [Hands Morris a piece of toast, which Morris munches] See? Morris has no interest in eating your brains. He's perfectly happy with his organic stone ground whole grain toast.
Zombies like toast?
Zombies love toast. I think it's the fiber.
So you're saying zombies are constipated?
They've bean eating an all-meat diet. You better believe they're constipated.
Why don't they become vegetarians?
You know who was a vegetarian? Hitler!
[Note: According to Lucas, this is actually true. Feel free to use it as a rebuttal whenever your vegetarian friends get too full of themselves.]
Anyway, the toast really helps to, um, moves things along.
I have to admit, it never occurred to me that zombies need to poop.
You've been a prisoner of your preconceptions. Everybody poops. Isn't that right, Morris?
MORRIS: Rrrrrrr.
See?
I'll admit, you've made some good points. But don't zombies kill people?
Don't people kill people?
Sure, but... that's different.
In what way?
Zombies are... really... dumb.
Dumber than Kid Rock?
Well... I mean... no, but...
And yet you would never dream of torching Kid Rock with a flamethrower, now would you?
Dream of it? Well...
But you wouldn't actually do it.
(LONG PAUSE) I guess not.
So why is it OK to do that to a zombie?
Because! Um... zombies... um... well... they go Rrrrrr.
MORRIS: Rrrrrr.
So what?
Well, it's completely meaningless!
Meaningless to you! Then again, whale song is meaningless to you, too, so I guess it's OK to set them on fire?
Maybe. Although it'd be hard to light them in the middle of the ocean.
Is that you being "funny" again, Mr. Rubicon?
I don't appreciate your air quotes, but yes.
Feeble attempts at humor aside, I am a hundred percent convinced that zombies are actually communicating with each other when they go, Rrrrrr.
MORRIS: Rrrrrr.
And what does that Rrrrrr mean, do you think?
I think he's saying that he means us no harm and that we should all overcome our differences and live in peace and harmony and mutual respect. And also we should be better stewards of the earth and end corporate welfare and bring back Glass-Steagall and ban plastic straws.
You got all that from a Rrrrrr?
Yeah. Or he may just want more toast.
MORRIS: Rrrrrr.
Overall, have things been running smoothly?
Very much so! There was a bit of a learning curve at the beginning, but I think we ironed out the kinks.
Impressive! How many zombies have you rescued?
So far? One.
What do you mean, one? I can see at least ten zombies from here!
Well, Morris was successfully rescued. And the rest were, were, um, employees of ZAPT.
Wait, so Morris turned your employees into zombies?
Morris: Rrrrr!
I mean, it started with him, but then it became sort of a daisy chain situation.
You are unbelievable.
Like I said, there was a bit of learning curve. But the good news is: We're hiring! Right, Morris? [Hands Morris another piece of toast]
MORRIS: Rrrrr! [Munches toast]