"As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen." –A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
Day 1
I knew that first day when I ran into Ellie was going to change everything. I was in Maryland for a concert that weekend and had plans to meet up with my twin brother, Kaiden. Kaiden had landed his first movie role and it was filming in a few locations throughout the state. One in particular was close enough to the venue I was scheduled to play at that he agreed to get breakfast with me before he had to be on set. It had worked out that his call time was later, and looking back I know every moment leading up to that day only reinforced my belief that everything happens for a reason.
After saying goodbye to Kaiden and seeing his ride pull away, I decided to explore a little. I didn't think it would be a big deal. I didn't think anyone was going to care. Honestly, I didn't think at all because I figured I meant so little to the world. I was wrong.
While walking down the streets for a few minutes, more and more people began whispering as I walked by and tailing me as I window-shopped. The general population doesn't tend to be subtle. Thanks to that day, I'm now hyperaware of my surroundings and what people do in my presence. I love my fans from the bottom of my heart, but some of my favorite moments are the ones where I'm in a room surrounded by people and only the ones I care about are paying attention.
After feeling people following me that day I waited awhile wondering if anyone was actually going to approach me. After several blocks of a crowd staring, but not speaking to me, I decided to make a break for it. Although I was unfamiliar with the small downtown area, I figured anywhere I could run to would be better than drowning in a crowd of strangers. I spotted a creek and followed the sidewalk running alongside it thinking that a creek had to lead out of downtown somewhere.
I don't know what it was, but something told me to stop. Something pulled me into the direction of the large library building across from an arts center. Somehow all signs pointed me towards a specific direction. I will never regret following those signs. At the time I thought that I would logically be able to hide in the library since it seemed large enough to get lost in and it's a universal rule that your volume can't go above a whisper.
There were a few people that managed to follow me into the library, but I wove in and out of bookshelves in order to lose them. I poked my head around a corner of one bookshelf in the back of the library's second floor and scoped the area for the people who were following me.
"Why are you hiding?" A voice startled me to the point that my body stiffened in response and as I turned to see who had spoken, I managed to accidentally knock an armful of books onto the ground.
Without looking at the owner of the voice, I dove to the ground to fix my mistake and apologized profusely. The chuckle that I heard following my behavior caused my heart to skip, but at the time I assumed it was my anxiety getting the best of me in an embarrassing situation. I was lost in my own world even after noticing the person squat down beside me to assist in picking up the pile of books. I continued apologizing up until the moment our eyes connected. In that light they were a golden kind of hazel I had never seen before. I don't think I could ever forget them now.
I was able to speak, but my mouth all of a sudden felt full of cotton and my throat felt as rough as sandpaper. Her smile instantly pulled me in and I wasn't sure if she had said anything besides reassuring me that everything was fine even after I knocked everything out of her arms. "I'm sorry," I apologized again and winced at the realization that I had apologized more than an excessive amount.
"You know, you're starting to convince me that you're an android that just escaped captivity." Her half-smile was crooked and caused one side of her mouth to have a more obvious dimple on the side her lips turned upward, and her red hair fell in waves past her shoulders.
"I'm sor-" I winced again and shook my head to correct myself, "Jensen. I'm Jensen."
"Ellie." She gently reached her pale hand out to shake mine, but as I reached in response a couple of the books I had gathered began to slip out of my grasp. She released a small chuckle while reaching quickly to catch the books. I felt my face begin to flush and my heart begin to pound after feeling how close she had gotten to me. She seemed completely unbothered. She gracefully stood up as I stumbled to my feet, and began to feel my knees grow weak. "So what – or who – were you hiding from?"
It had occurred to me that she might not have known who I was, so I searched for a different excuse as to why I was hiding in a library. I didn't want to come off as arrogant or conceited or full of myself and if I had told her the truth I was afraid that's exactly how I would have sounded. "My uh-brother and I were in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek." I internally groaned, knowing that my pretend excuse wasn't any better than telling her the truth.
Ellie nodded slowly and smiled at me, "Well what's he look like? I could scout out the library to see if he's close by."
"Uh no. I mean that's okay. I don't think he followed me in." If I were a cartoon, I know I would've been covered in those exaggerated beads of sweat. There was a pause between us and I knew neither one of us knew exactly what to say.
She gestured to the book I was still holding and suggested she should probably get back to work. I reluctantly handed it over as she said, "It was nice to meet you, Jensen. I hope you win your game of hide and seek."
I stood frozen, unsure of what to do. I didn't want that to be it. I didn't want her to go. "Uh," my voice felt panicked and shaky and I was unsure if I wanted to speak up or not, "I mean I should probably hang out here for a little bit. Just to be safe." Ellie turned to me with a smile and I knew instantly that I had made the right decision.
I stayed for hours, not even realizing the time that had passed, and stuck by Ellie's side for every second of it. At one point I even assisted her in re-shelving books and she educated me on the Dewey Decimal System. She apologized after getting carried away, but I didn't mind. I could've listened to her for days on end and never have gotten tired of hearing her voice.
I don't remember every little thing we talked about that day. I remember laughing a lot. I also remember being shushed by the librarian a lot – which only made us laugh more. I remember being instantly taken by Ellie. She was sweet and charming and witty. She was also stunning to me. I can't begin to accurately describe her because I know that any way I do is biased. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and to me she was. I think that's all that ever mattered. I never cared much for appearances, but I did love to stare at her. Even that first day I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was simple and goofy and was unapologetically herself from the beginning.
She was never afraid to be herself. Meanwhile, I was making a living off of appearances and hiding half of who I was to the public. I never hid anything big. I was open from the start about my sexuality – something I think fans connected with. Most of my fan base happens to be people who identify (or is close to someone who identifies) as some form of queer community. So I was grateful to be honest about that part of myself. However, I never posted anything about romantic interests of mine. To be fair, at that point I didn't really have many. At least, I was never interested in anyone for too long.
I don't know why that was. Perhaps it's because a part of me was always waiting for Ellie. It could be that I never felt anything until her. Then I felt everything. Until Ellie, I didn't ever believe I could find romantic love. Ironic considering some of my most popular songs were about love. At the time I would write love songs about what I wanted to feel, not anything that I had already felt. Once I met Ellie that changed. Every song that I had written out of hope or some crazy fantasy suddenly became about her. There were songs that had a meaning after she walked into my life. And after her, I couldn't stop writing. Everything she did and everything I felt, I wanted to document it all. Even now, I know the majority of what I think about and what I write is her. And it all started that first day.
I never wanted to leave that library. I never wanted to stop speaking to her. I felt a need to be around her. Like if I turned away or I blinked for too long, she would be gone and I would feel a part of me was missing. I felt everything so strongly as soon as I met her, and all I wanted to do was be with her. I wanted to be next to her - to experience her just a little more.
At one point day, she had asked me if my brother was getting worried about me and I had slipped up, completely forgetting the lie I had strung myself into. Thankfully, she understood once I came clean – mostly – about wanting a quiet place to myself in order to catch my breath. I don't remember what made me leave that day. Maybe it was a call from one of the band members or my manager or maybe it was Ellie who had to leave first. I couldn't tell you all the details of why we had to say goodbye, but I do remember finally telling her that I was a musician and asking her to come to the concert.
She was reluctant at first, so I told her that there was no pressure at all, but I would leave two tickets and backstage passes under her name at the venue's will call. She never agreed that day to go, but she did say that she would think about it. I know that I wouldn't have let her go that easily. I didn't manage to get her number, but I prayed to every higher power that she would show up that next night. I was terrified of what Ellie was going to think when she found out. I remember calling Kaiden that night and him being worried that she was lying to me the entire time and knew exactly who I was. My heart sank at the thought, but deep down I knew that I wasn't going to regret meeting her.
I vividly remember lying awake that night thinking about her. I knew nothing else was ever going to matter as much as her. I convinced myself I was feeling too much - looking back I know nothing I felt could ever be enough.
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Chapter song: "Satellite" by Mayday Parade
So it just started, but how are you liking Jensen and Ellie's story so far?
Until next time,
Aiden (: