Toni
"20 bucks says you won't go over there." I crossed my arms as Gil lowered his eyes at me.
"Not for that chump change, I won't. You're right."
We were at the bar now, just me, Gil, Jan, and Preston. As much as I loved being around Janet's dancers, this circle was more my speed. Everybody was good and grown. And knew Janet on a muchore intimate level. I didn't have to hold my tongue about much of anything.
"I got 40," Janet chimed in, sipping her drink. "And if I'm correct with that math, that makes 60. Any more than that and you are a certified pussy."
I scrunched my face up as if I'd tasted something sour. Gil's jaw dropped low. "No way, Gil. Are you gonna take that from her?" I instigated.
A man had been undressing Gil with his eyes for about 10 minutes now, and we were pushing Gil to make a move. He was a cute, chocolate brother with a medium build and a close-cut go T. We were about 2 drinks in, each, but I guess he wasn't feeling quite bold enough just yet. So we had to put some money on the table.
"Pres, you in?" Janet asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I know for a fact that man was looking at me," he glanced in his direction, then looked down at his drink. I stifled a laugh. Janet grabbed my thigh, a signal to keep my cool.
"Alright. So double or nothing if you both go over there and see what his deal is," she proposed. I rubbed my hands together. The night was getting better and better.
"Gil Duldulao works alone." He crossed his legs.
"If he doesn't go, I'll go for free, shit."
"Somebody's gotta go," I said. "Before he comes over here."
"You know what? Keep your money, both of you. Preston, let's go." Gil stood up and grabbed his phone from the bar. Preston did the same. "So what, are we together? What is our story?" He asked him.
"Let's try to let him do all the talking." He fixed his shirt and took a deep breath.
"Is this really happening?" I leaned over and asked Janet. "This isn't happening, right?"
"Don't look too hard!" She warned as they made their way across the room. "Gil's gonna get his number."
"My money's on Preston, to be honest."
"Oh, so you wanna bet now?" She looked at me in a challenging fashion.
"Yeah. I do." I glanced over at all of the men talking. The stranger's attention seemed to be equally distributed to both of them, and for a split second I thought maybe they could all go home together. But I knew that was the liquor talking. When Gil said he flies solo, he means it.
"How does it look?" She asked. Her back was turned to them.
"It's anyone's guess." The man flirted back and forth, and from the back, Preston seemed to be a little more receptive. "I'm leaning towards Pres."
"Oh, God."
"Who's side are you on?"
"Neither. Both of them could use a little vitamin D." She called the bartender over for another round for all of us. I laughed and rested the side of my face in my hand.
"I think we've been spotted too," She muttered, her eyes fixed beyond me.
"Man or woman?"
"Woman."
"Oh, shit, she's coming this way."
I sat up straight and watched as Janet plastered a fake, toothless grin on her face. I tried not to laugh.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bum rush you guys, but I'm a big fan of both of you. I just wanted to come and say hi."
I turned around and faced a tall, dark-skinned woman with light brown eyes, probably in her late 20s. She had very curly but short hair and a nice frame.
"No shame in that, nice to meet you." She stuck her hand out, but I opted for a hug instead. She smelled like some kind of flower.
"Oh my God!" She gushed. I chuckled. "I love you so much, you have no idea. Your first album is all that plays in my house."
I felt Jan kick the back of my chair. I guess the hug went on for too long. I pulled away.
"Can I hug you too, Ms. Jackson?" She asked timidly. I glanced at her. She had a look in her eye, but she still smiled and stood up to hug her.
"You are the reason I dance. You've inspired me so much."
"That's so sweet. What was your name?"
"Jordan."
"That's nice for a girl, I like that." I chimed in.
"Thank you." She tugged at her hair. "Well, I should let you guys enjoy your night out, thank you for letting me say hello. And all that you do. Both of you."
"Aw, Jan!" I held my heart. "You're so sweet."
"Well thank you for your support, Jordan. It means a lot. It was nice meeting you." Janet was just about to turn and face her drink again.
"You don't want a picture or anything?" I inquired before she left. I heard Jan sigh audibly. I wasn't quite sure what her issue was.
"Well I heard celebrities don't really like when people do that, so I was just gonna-"
"Oh, nonsense. Come, let's take one. Jan, are you in?"
"How about I just take it?"
"Oh, hush. Get in here, baby." I waved her off.
"Y'all are adorable." Jordan got her phone out of her pocket and held her arm out until all three of us were in the picture. She took a couple, then quickly moved away. "Thank you both so much. I should be getting back." She said cheerfully. "Enjoy the rest of your night."
"You too, Jordan. Ugh, she was adorable." I sat back down.
"You think so?" Janet muttered. I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Yeah, uh, Jan? What was your issue. She was so nice."
"Yeah. She was." She sipped her drink.
"You weren't so nice. So explain."
"I didn't have an issue."
"You totally did."
"Blame the liquor then, I don't know."
"Or your jealousy," I muttered to myself. "Hey, look! Mystery Man's got a friend for Preston and they're all talking now." I looked at them all sitting at the bar, flirting back and forth with each other. Gay men were their own species.
"You think somebody's getting some tonight?"
"I don't know, Pres is a little conservative in that regard. Gil? No doubt in my mind." Jan said. I laughed.
"How long are you planning on staying out tonight?"
"Not too long, our flight's at 11 tomorrow morning."
"Well, it looks like they're gonna have to find their own ride home, its pushing 1 now." I checked my phone for the time, noticing I had a couple missed calls from Tamar. I hadn't talked to any of my sisters or family since I'd left annanounced nearly 6 weeks ago now. It wasn't that they didn't call, it's just that I didn't answer. I was having such a good time with Janet and the crew that most times I'd forget my mess back home altogether. It was nice, for now, but tomorrow, I'd be right back where I started. Probably worse. A sense of dread hung heavily over my body at the thought, and the alcohol in my system only seemed to intensify the feeling.
I snapped out of my head to see Preston and Gil back with us, beaming with a flirtatious air. Janet was getting all the details.
"Girl, he is funny, fine, friendly, all of it. And his friend, Preston, tell them," Gil gushed as he finished his drink in one swig.
"I'm interested," Preston said, glancing in their direction again. "And I got a number."
"I hear a double date in your future, y'all." Janet fanned them.
"I say triple. You guys would love them. And they are big fans."
"Well, I see no shame in--Toni, baby, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost." Janet touched my shoulder lightly.
"Do I?" I responded.
"Quit lying. Your face is pale, and you're brown as a motherfucker, so spill." Gil scoffed. I scratched my arm.
"Do you wanna get out of here and talk? You don't look good at all," Janet said as she turned my head to look at her, running her hand through my hair. I knew my eyes were a dead giveaway, if nothing else. "Come on, it's late anyway." She threw a $100 bill on the bar for our drinks and grabbed her purse. The next thing I knew, we were in the car, and she was begging me to tell her anything. But the truth was that I didn't need her worrying anymore. She was excited to be home with her friends and family again, and my issues shouldn't have ruined that for her.
"Janet, relax! Please. I'm just tired." I rubbed my forehead.
"You called me by my full name. So you're upset. And you know I hate it when-"
"When I don't tell you things. Look, it's not that big of a deal. I just need to lay down."
"It's a big deal to me. Whatever it is. Look at me."
I looked into her eyes, sparkling in the light of the night life around the streets. I wanted to kiss her and forget everything in my head.
"That very first morning in Manchester, I told you something that I need to know you fully understand. I need to know you're not going to forget what I said." Her voice was low and gentle, but serious.
"I rememeber what you said," I sighed.
"Tell me. Repeat it."
I paused and looked down. She just grabbed my chin again. "I'm never a burden, and you can always handle it."
"And?" She pushed. I groaned. "Toni Michele, I'm serious."
"You always care."
"Damn straight," She mumbled before kissing my lips. "So when we get back to this hotel room, you're gonna spill your guts to me, do you understand that?"
"Yes."
"Let this be the last time you hesitate so hard to tell me everything on your mind. Because I know you trust me. You're just too selfless."
"Not even close."
"Then why are we having this conversation again?"
I was silent. She leaned back in her seat to look out the window. We were almost there. "That's what I thought," she said. "I love you, Toni Michele. When are you going to learn?"
"I love you," I mumbled, defeated.
"I know."
We got to the hotel room with nothing else to say to one another. The first thing I did was take off my makeup, and when I came back, Janet had set my pajamas on the bed neatly. "Shower with me," She said simply as she undressed without hesitation. "And then let's talk."
"If this shower is anything like the last shower we took together, there won't be much talking after," I said as I looked at myself on the mirror. She approached me after turning on the water--fully naked now, resting her chin on my shoulder and running her hands up and down my body.
"Then we'll keep it strictly business." She pulled my blouse over my head for me. "Because you're not getting out of this one."
I sighed. "Janet, please-"
"Toni, no. I'm not gonna budge. You have..." She paused to kiss my neck gently. "So much in that pretty little mind, dirtying up the space. Take your clothes off."
I looked down and undid the buckle to my jeans. She watched closely as each layer of fabric was peeled off of me. When I was bare, she continued, wiping my hair out of my face.
"When something is wrong, you become so unbelievably distant. Did you know that? Drives me insane." She covered each of my breasts with warm, soft hands, squeezing gently and continued to look at me in the mirror. It was almost like she was thinking aloud. I licked my lips.
"On some level, yeah."
The steam was making it harder for me to see her reflection. "Get in," She instructed me. Like she'd promised, all she did was lather me in coconut shower gel, incredibly focused on the task. My muscles relaxed immediately as the hot water and her body enveloped me on all sides. I closed my eyes and let it fall down my face. I should have called them back. At the end of the day, it was my family, and I knew they cared. But no one had any real clue of where I was or could have been. I tried to put myself in my sisters' shoes. I'd be worried sick. It was a little selfish, but it was the point they'd all pushed me to; Face included.
Janet's wet lips on my temple was the sweet sensation to bring me back to reality. I felt guilty for pushing her away the way I did sometimes. All she wanted to do was make it better. Nothing more, nothing less. It seemed like at this very moment she was the only one truly on my side, us against the world. I wanted to say I didn't mind shutting everyone else out and focusing on me and her and nothing else, but I knew I couldn't do that. It was my responsibility to tie these loose ends and remain, at the very least, civil with those who'd done me wrong in the last month. But I was always going to love her unapologetically, no matter what.
Once we'd finished, Janet insisted that she rub me down with lotion, and by the time we were settled, all I wanted to do was sleep. But I knew I had to let her in, tonight, right then. She rested my head on her lap as she played idly in my damp hair.
"So?" She said with a long sigh. "Tell me everything on your chest."
"I don't want to leave," I began.
"Here?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I will be faced with this mess I've created of my mother, my sisters, Face... Everything. They don't even know I'm here with you right now."
"At all?"
"I haven't spoken to them in six weeks, Jan. They will be livid."
"Nobody called to check on you or anything?"
"Tamar called me three times alone tonight. And that's when it kind of hit me. I created this false sense of reality here, on tour, everything going so easy. I didn't want to bring that here when I was supposed to be forgetting about it."
"That's reasonable, but I think you should have let them know at least where you were. They're probably pacing the floor as we speak."
I sighed. "I know... So now this shit-show, on top of ignoring them, it's gonna be... Absolute, excruciating hell. And all I want to do is lock myself away with you." I closed my eyes.
"Well look, honey. I know you're angry, and I am too, but that's blood. And you gotta face it. I'm gonna be right there with you, behind you, beside you, wherever you want me. Heaven forbid something were to happen to one of them and you're not even on speaking terms. It's not good for you to stay bitter for so long."
"I'm not bitter, I'm just-"
"Hurt."
"Hurt?"
"Your best friend betrayed you, your sisters too, your mother doesn't respect your romantic relationship or sexual preference. Your feelings are just hurt right now, Toni. It's a lot."
I felt my eyes sting with tears pooling in the corners. I reached up and tugged at my hair with a groan, hating this vulnerable state I was in. I tried to fight back the urge to cry.
"It's all just so frustrating, Jan... It didn't have to be like this at all. It just didn't have to be."
"I know, honey. But you know what? It's here, and it's like this, and you gotta do your part to fix it to the best of its ability. And when you do all you can, that's when you can tap out, whether things are better or they're not. Don't give anyone any reason to believe you didn't try or care."
I sniffled. Janet lifted me up a little to cradle me in her arms. "Listen to me. You didn't run away from your problems, okay, Toni? All you needed was space and time. You're not a cop-out. Tomorrow, we'll be home. And you don't have to deal with it tomorrow or even the next day. We can stay in. But you have to deal with it. We have to deal with it."
Tears flowed freely now that she rocked me. Her words were so soothing, reassuring, but I still felt a little pathetic in a way.
"Let it out baby, you don't have to be strong."
"I'm sorry, Jan," I weeped. I couldn't stop now.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"We could be doing anything else, but you gotta be here at my pity party. It's supposed to be-"
"I'm supposed to be here for you. That's it. Nothing else."
I looked deep into her eyes, finding so much love and compassion in them. She continued. "Good, bad, ugly, extremely ugly... Toni, I'm just here."
"Still," I pouted, squeezing her.
"What can I do to make you see that it's okay?" Janet sighed. "It's okay."
I kissed her softly and passionately, feeling myself relax at the small gesture as I grabbed her face. We shifted so that I could straddle her lap, and her hands found my waist with ease. She squeezed my body tightly as I pulled away, and I wiped a fallen tear from my face. I had no idea why I was still crying.
"I love you, Janet Jackson."
She just shook her head at me, her face still bone straight. "You drive me up a wall."
"Huh?" I managed a chuckle, sniffling in the process.
"It took an hour and a half to get you to open up like this."
"You wanted to break me down in the middle of the bar?"
"No."
"So what?"
"You weren't gonna tell me ever if I didn't push it the way that I did."
I looked around. She was right. "Exactly." She grabbed my chin and kissed me again, over and over. I felt myself beginning to run my hands all over her body. It was smooth and supple from the shower and lotion, such an inviting opportunity to touch every part of her at once. I wanted to.
"We should get some sleep, honey." Janet pushed me away gently.
"Can you just-"
"Okay."
She flipped us over so that she was on top, beginning with soft, slow kisses to my neck. I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes.
"It's okay," she mumbled as her lips captured the most sensitive part of me my neck. "I'm right here, baby." I felt her push her way into my pants, caressing me slowly through the underwear.
"I'm sorry, Janet," I sighed.
"Shhh..."
A moan barely audible escaped my throat and rumbled in my chest as she put more intention in her touch. She continued to explore my neck and chest as passionately as she could without another word. This is exactly why I loved her. I felt my whole being melt under her caress and her love.
Janet ducked underneath the covers and pulled my silk pajama bottoms down. I felt shaky in sheer anticipation as the sensation of her breath hit my bare, aching womanhood. I'd decided that I wanted her this way since we were at the bar, since I started to drink, but it never really hit me until she'd opened me up completely, both emotionally and sexually. It was all together.
But all I wanted to do was say how sorry I was for dampening the mood. She was saving my butt too frequently for my preference these days. Those thoughts quickly vanished as her mouth surrounded my womanhood with warmth and passion. Janet wrapped her arm around my thigh as I began to move about in pleasure. I felt so loved and protected at this very moment with her. It may not have solved the problem, but it made me feel better. It was just her best diversion tactic.
"Baby..." I moaned quietly.
"Mhm." She looked up and into my eyes as her tongue made slow, teasing circles around my pearl. I bit my lip and ran my fingers through her hair. Every part of me felt desirable and needed as her hands explored my body. I grabbed one and kissed it slowly before inserting a few of her fingers into my mouth. I saw a smirk form on her lips. She pulled that hand away to go inside of me, and I grew silent as she pushed consistently on my spot without wavering the motion of her tongue. I found myself gripping the sheets with one fist and her hair with the other.
It was an intense, indescribable sensation only Janet could elicit from me, and she knew that. My eyes closed tightly on their own when she picked up the speed. The room was so quiet, but something inside of my head was screaming out in ecstasy. I couldn't contain it any longer, and soon my voice was filling up the sensual space with sounds of pure bliss and utter satisfaction. I fluttered my eyes open for a split second to see Janet's eyebrows knitted tightly together in concentration. She could tell that I was closer now, intensely focused on the task of making me feel this good, as if she didn't think she could do it with her hands tied. But there was no doubt in my mind that she could, and she has multiple times.
My brain seemed to recalibrate itself just for a second, erasing any negative emotions or stressors even if only for this moment in time. There was no deep-tissue massage, no alcoholic drink, no meditative therapy that could have relaxed or refreshed me the way that Janet did. It was unbelievable. I was stuck once again wondering how we ended up here, or more importantly, how I ended up with her, the answer to all my problems. I loved her.
These things were running through my head even before she made me come, and every emotion I was experiencing seemed to boost tenfold once I was truly at the top. I'd never felt so blindsided with love for her and only her. She was the one thing that really mattered to me.
"My God..." I groaned as the orgasm drowned me in pleasure. She did the same, reveling in the way she was making me feel. It was almost like I was doing the same to her. Like it felt just as good, if not better, for Janet just to be the one responsible.
My body relaxed immediately after in a lazy stupor. I was spent, but in a good way. Janet began to slow down her pace, putting ample amounts of careful, intricate passion in each stroke. She did it like it was her job. And when she finally paused, all she did was stare intriguingly between my thighs as if she were assessing her work. Her gaze then drew slowly up my body, shivering my spine as she met my eyes. Only a few times before has she looked at me that way, and a sensation almost as powerful as the climax filled me up. It was scary. Sensual.
Janet crawled up to my face but bypassed my lips to meet the crook of my neck instead, placing a light peck behind my ear. "It's okay," She whispered gently as she kissed my skin again in a similar fashion. "It's okay." She kept repeating it for each time her lips touched me. I said nothing. But the more she assured me, the more I was convinced that it would be okay.
"Feel better?" She asked me.
I smiled. "Yeah, I do."
"See what happens when you let me in?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Any parting words for the night? You're gonna be out in about ten minutes, I can see it." She rolled over to the side of me. She was absolutely right. My eyes felt like they weighed 30 pounds each.
"I love you."
"I know that."
"You're not gonna say it back?"
"You know that."
"Yeah, I do."