2 Years Ago
Best mates were supposed to be supportive, trustworthy, and overall good company. Someone you could be yourself around and be completely honest with. Not someone you should ever, ever slept with.
But, sometimes things didn't always go according to the plan...
As for Louis, most nights were spent pressed down in his silky sheets with love bites decorating his skin. Breathless and aching for more. Desperate for another round because he wanted to feel close to his best mate. Not wanting to let him go and be able to wake up next to him.
"Oh fuck..." Louis whimpered out breathily sunken down on Harry's cock. Hand pressed firmly against Harry's chest as he pulled along. Feeling hazy and his blood boiling with those burning hands on his skin. Louis was fucked out it, literally. Desperate for more and yet, wanting to savour the moment. Because he was so pathetically moonstruck with that boy below him and it was sickening.
Louis hated being in love with his best friend whose was beyond unattainable because they made a promise of no feelings. That this special relationship started because Louis was devastated with a broken heart. And nicely, Harry swooped in to pick up the pieces. At first, he was there to console him through his breakup, and they spent a lot of time together. Probably too much time. From the many nights spent binge watching films and lounging around all day, doing absolutely nothing. At some point, one of those nights ended up taking a different turn for their friendship. It was bound to happen at one point anyway seeing how Louis was being with Harry.
They slept together.
Louis at the time was just so desperate and vulnerable. He just needed something, anything to help him move on from his ex-boyfriend. Dating had been off the table. Louis couldn't endure another heartbreak again like that.
Which was why he never thought it'd be possible because he didn't know he was going to fall for Harry as he got over his ex. It was what Louis called his biggest mistake ever. Too many things could go wrong as it was a risky move for their friendship. But he thought maybe there was a chance. They've been at this for a little over a year now, friends with benefits. It had been amazing sneaking around and keeping it between them. Given, it had been a challenge since they lived together and their other flatmate was Niall who thankfully worked a lot of late shifts as he was a barman. But still challenging when Niall came home early and tried to barge into Harry's room because he was up for a late night chat.
They've had a few scares, but never came close to anyone finding them in bed together.
But Louis wouldn't trade any of this for the world. Their sex was simply amazing, probably the best Louis had ever had. No, it was the best. Louis may have had limited experiences as his first time was not even four years ago and he had only ever been with one other guy. But it just felt better with Harry, and every time they kissed Louis' heart skipped a beat.
It was almost pathetic because they both said no strings attached. All because they couldn't seem to stop, it was like a burning passion that'd been under wraps for so long. Louis could almost recall the day when Harry kissed him feverishly. Louis was so sad because he seen that Sean had already moved on, in a relationship with one of the people, he cheated on Louis with. Harry did whatever he could that night, but nothing could cure how broken he felt. But then at one point, Harry kissed him while they were laying in bed talking and Louis reciprocated. There were hands everywhere, and all Louis remembered for the first time was that he didn't think about Sean. About his crying heart because he had Harry on him, fucking the sadness right out of him.
Since then, Louis kept up with it, they had come to a mutual agreement the morning after that they'd like to do that again. The sex. As long as no one found out because their mates would tease them to oblivion. Not wanting to make it feel so real.
So, from then on they've vowed to keep being best mates that sometimes have sex.
"Mm... just like that, babe." Harry moaned as his fingertips dug into Louis' hips. Biting his lip as his eyes were snapped closed. Louis wanted to lean down and kiss his stupidly beautiful face. Ride him all through the night because it felt too good and needing to feel Harry's touch.
Louis let out these small noises as his blood buzzed through his veins. Heart beating like a drum when he wrapped his other hand around his own hard on. The sounds coming from Harry were intoxicating, and Louis felt ever more over the edge. Pumping his hand every time he pushed down onto the gorgeous boy beneath him. Feeling quite light headed when Harry's dick hit him the right way and letting out a mewl. Harry's nails scratched at his hips and Louis trembled when one of Harry's warm palms slid up his torso, around the back of his neck. Harry's eyes fluttered open, dazed, and needy pulling Louis down into a fervent kiss, pushing his tongue inside, and moaning into his mouth. Louis' whole body felt on fire with the way they kissed. Rough and dirty. Louis lets go of his own cock and grabs hold of the wire headboard of the bed, his lone balancing act on Harry's chest making him weak. Louis' knuckles turned a shade of white, and his nails dug into the sweaty naked chest below him. Rolling his hips in a way that he knew Harry liked.
Louis was going to be so sore tomorrow, but damn. It'll be worth it.
Then, Louis pulled off from Harry's lips, nearly shaking when Harry's hand found his hip again, clasping, and thrusting up into Louis. His other hand found the headboard, holding on for dear life as Harry fucked up into him. Throaty moans that came from below Louis were intoxicating. His dick just pulsating and Louis wanted to reach down and get himself off. Wanting to come while the bed smacked against the bedroom wall repeatedly. Louis wanted to release all over Harry's chest and feel Harry's fingertips bruise his skin. To feel Harry pulse inside him.
"I'm gonna-" Louis tried to warn in a whimper, but his body convulsed, streaking Harry's chest and bits of his cheek. Nearly collapsing on top of Harry as his hands slipped from the headboard, clawing at the extra pillows on the messy bed. Their naked chests pressed together as Harry continued to pummel up into him and Louis was still trying to come down. Trembles just coursed through him when he felt Harry's body going into spasms and his thrusts coming to a slow as he groaned into Louis' neck.
They lay there breathless for a moment, Louis' heart still banging in his chest, and the hand on the small of his back soothing him. Harry was no longer kissing him, but Louis could feel his warm breath fanning against the side of his throat. Louis didn't want to move, wanting to stay entangled with Harry, not caring about the mess. Not giving a care because all Louis wanted was to feel close to his best mate.
Louis was so fucking in love, it was ridiculous. So fucking absurd that he was still messing around with Harry, but he couldn't stop. Louis didn't think he could, and that was something that scared him because he knew whatever they had, had an expiration date even though it was not something he liked to think about. If one day Harry decided to end this, their special arrangement, Louis wouldn't know what to do. Already been through enough, another heartbreak wasn't something Louis could deal with. Especially with someone, he had always been so close with. Louis had hopes though, that eventually, they'd be more than friends.
But he didn't want to press his luck and just see how things play out. Hopeful for the best.
"I think I don't have another round in me, H." Louis murmured out tiredly as he moved to lift himself up a little. Sleepiness starting to hit as he stared at Harry in the soft light of his small bedroom.
"Well, I mean you were quite needy tonight if you know what I mean." Harry teased with a wink. Laughing and Louis thought he was the biggest fucking dork ever.
"Me?" Louis demanded, putting on a defensive face. "I beg to differ there mate, I'm not the one who came to my room desperate for attention."
Harry scoffed playfully as Louis felt a gentle squeeze against his hip. "You could have said no..." Harry trailed off, a smirk across his face.
Then before Louis could muster up a clever comeback, Harry's mouth found his, and Louis' chest fluttered. One of Louis' hand cradled Harry's neck. Kissing him back slowly before Harry pulled back from the kiss with a ghost of a smile on his lips.
"You're a dick." Louis said fondly, the corners of his lips twitched upward. One of Harry's hand were gone from Louis' hip and pulling out of him. Louis bite back a pout as he moved to slowly sit up, Harry's touching Louis' thigh, gently rubbing, and it was not fair. Harry shouldn't be allowed to be sweet to him and touch him because it made Louis feel so many things. Especially in a post-sex haze where Louis felt a closeness with him and longing for this all to become a reality.
Louis wanted to tell Harry he loved him.
"Can I stay tonight?" Harry offered in a whisper and Louis gave a small nod. Already having that plan in his head. Longingly gazing into Harry's eyes for a moment because he could.
Louis reluctantly pulled off Harry and dipped down into the spot beside him. Watching Harry leave seconds later out Louis' bedroom door. Louis just laid there, pulling the heavy blanket over his hips, carefully not to get the mess on his body all over his blanket. Not that it wasn't soiled from their naked bodies or anything, but still. Louis had some decency.
After Harry popped back into the room and cleaned them up, they ended up in bed together. Shutting the lamp off on the nightstand entangled together with Louis' head pressed against Harry's chest and Louis' hand flat against his stomach.
At first, sleepovers weren't something that happened as it was something they agreed on that shouldn't. At the time Louis didn't care as long as he got off, but over the long months spending most nights in each other's bed, it was inevitable. Overstaying their welcome and not realising just how dangerous that made things. Now, they didn't sleep in same bed all the time, but it had been happening more frequently for a couple weeks now. Harry had been asking him to stay or not leave Louis' bed until he passes out. Almost as if he wanted to stay here with Louis on purpose, because maybe he feels the same way too.
For the rest of the night, Louis laid there in the warmness of Harry's arms, unable to sleep. It was cold in his room tonight, and his feet were freezing. But having this guy beside him, that was like a beacon of heat had Louis frozen in place. For the life of him couldn't help it when he thought about the moment when Harry would finally come to tell Louis that he loves him too. When he'll kiss Louis with meaning and ask him to be his. Harry was everything Louis desperately wanted to have.
All the guys Louis had dated weren't exactly good guys. His first boyfriend, Camden was an upright dickhead. Only cared about himself. As long as Camden had a fit boyfriend he could parade around with, it made himself look good. Then there was James, Branden, Aaron which all were bad decisions to get involved with. Then there was Sean, he was first guy Louis ever felt for once that maybe there are good guys out there. Louis was with him for five years, and that was the happiest he'd ever been.
Sean was everything, he was the first boy Louis had ever fallen in love with. They met at uni, before Louis dropped out. It was at a party Louis attended with Harry and Niall. Of course, being pretty much ditched and ended up bumping into one of the hottest guys Louis had ever seen. Given then, Louis was single as ever and needed some form of distraction. So they talked all night, and Sean asked for his phone number. Then days passed, and they texted all day. Even met up to hang out and eventually it led to Sean asking Louis to be his boyfriend weeks later in his car, on a Friday night when it was pouring rain. Louis should have said no, he should have told Sean he'd think about it, but Louis was so smitten he couldn't help it. So they dated, and it was amazing, he treated Louis so well. But, everything Louis believed in disappeared when he walked in on Sean with another guy in his bed, naked and dark coloured marks all over the other man's neck. They were supposed to go costume shopping for Zayn's annual Halloween party, and Louis had gotten off his shift from the coffee shop a little early. But, instead, Louis just left his boyfriend's flat with a broken heart. Louis didn't like to think about that time in his life too much, it took him months to get over Sean. Harry was his savior in all of this and Louis was grateful.
Yet, the thing was Louis didn't want to have these feelings replaced for someone else. All he wanted was to have sex and still be platonic. Harry helped him move on and got his mind off Sean, Louis even read up about it online. Friends with benefits had its advantages. Unfortunately catching feelings was something Louis skimmed over.
Louis wished he could go back to last year and smack himself round the head the morning after he slept with Harry. Scolding him for fucking his best mate, as they've been friends since their younger days thanks to their mum's being best mates since their teenage years. Telling him not to do it again because it was only going to make things complicated. But even Louis knew he wouldn't be able to listen to his own self.
At some point, Louis ended up pulling out of Harry's arms as he grabbed his phone off the charger on the bedside table. Laying on his back and thumbing at the screen. His mobile illuminating his face as he swiped his finger, tapping on the Tumblr app. Louis needed to just vent. Tapping on the post button, then the text one because Louis was a fucking mess.
In a perfect world, I wouldn't be lying here, longing for someone I can't have. To know if there's a chance of a future here. To know if I wake H up and tell him how I feel. To apologize for falling for him because I couldn't keep that promise. But apart of me is terrified because what if he gets freaked out? Shuns me from his life and no longer wants to be friends?
I can't have that, I just can't.
He's my best mate, and I'm scared that I'll lose him.
-L
Louis sighed. Feeling immensely better getting that off his chest and hoping some of his followers would get back to him. His Tumblr blog was his safe haven that no one in his life knew about. He kept it confidential, even before he had these weird feelings for Harry. Shit, Louis had signed up maybe three or four years ago because he was obsessed with american reality shows and various bands. Being in many fandoms and even writing a bit of fanfiction here and there. Eventually branching out and turning it into an aesthetic blog of black & white photography. Now it was just a hodgepodge of depressing unrequited love text posts and whatever struck his fancy. Bluevelvet was practically Louis' brain in a nutshell. So maybe Louis was a bit obsessed with Lana Del Rey at the time, and it wasn't super original, but no else claimed it. Still, to this day, Louis found it fitting. It was his secret identity from the real world, and no one could take that from him.
After Louis shut off his phone and tossed it onto the nightstand, shifted on his side, and scooted closer towards the sleeping body beside him. Carefully lifting Harry's arm to not wake him as nestled back in his spot he once had. Arm slung across Harry's waist and nestled his head against his chest.
Trying to soak in the moment because Louis knew come morning he'll wake up to the reality that Harry wasn't his.
And it chipped away at Louis' already fragile heart.
*****
Few days later, Louis was swallowing down his beer while Liam was keeping him company.
Liam was talking about how he was utterly exhausted between his job at the gym (he was the assistant manager) and exams at uni. As he still had about a year to go. Studying veterinary science wasn't exactly easy, so Louis heard from both Liam and Harry over the past few years. That was how Louis had actually met Liam, through Harry. They were both in the same course and year, at the University of Liverpool. Harry had told Louis that Liam and him would always sit next to each other and just got on real well. Eventually coming to a conclusion of having a study group and meeting up to go over projects together. Which meant Liam was coming over at least twice a week for two years straight. Befriending Niall and Louis through the process and at some point finally meeting his boyfriend, Zayn.
Louis remembered when he left the comforts of his mum's home in Doncaster to attend school with his mates. Not wanting to be apart from them, unfortunately for Louis, he didn't even make it half way through his second year of Accounting and Finance. All because Louis found himself unhappy and not exactly eager to go to class. So he left and took on more responsibility at work, he's a coffee barista. Louis didn't even like coffee. It paid his part of the rent anyway.
It was funny how Louis had stayed in Liverpool all this time even though he had no justifiable reason to stay here.
"This conversation is literally going to put me to sleep." Louis tiredly mocked as he brought his beer to his lips. Smirking against the rim when Liam gave him a look of disapproval.
"But you're the one who asked me about uni, Louis!" Liam countered in defense as he crossed his arms.
"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd tell me everything. You must have really thought I'd enjoy hearing all about clinical rotations."
Liam rolled his eyes, probably already regretting telling Louis about his uni life. Not that Louis would blame him, university wasn't Louis' thing. "I never said anything about that, weren't you even listening at all?"
Louis scoffed draining down the rest of his beer before he replied, "Of course I was. Just knew you'd bring it up eventually. You know to save your breath on something I couldn't care less about that." Liam furrowed his brows. "Don't look so grumpy, you know it's true."
Liam was about to open his mouth when Zayn dropped into the chair beside Liam asking, "What's true?"
"Oh nothing, you know Liam's just going on about boring uni stuff. The usual." Louis said coolly.
"That you asked about." Liam pointed out as he uncrossed his arms and took a sip of his beer. Then wrapping an arm around Zayn's shoulders and Louis could see him pull Zayn a touch closer.
"I didn't actually think you'd go into full on details, just the interesting stuff." Louis explained, about ready to go get himself another drink. He could feel his buzz starting to wear off the longer he sat here and bickered with Liam.
Liam heaved a sigh as he shook his head, downing more of his drink.
"Stop arguing like children, you two always do this," Zayn scolded them both, his brows furrowed. "I swear you both love to get under each other's skin because it's fun or something."
"Well, maybe someone shouldn't be so sensitive..." Louis muttered under his breath, knowing he sounded like a hypocrite. Quite the sensitive man himself, actually. But maybe not as bad as Liam. Yeah, definitely not like Liam.
"I swear to god Louis..." Liam threatened, and Louis just smirked feeling proud of himself. Liam always got too defensive, it was funny. But he was a good mate. They get on for the most part when they were not going back and forth with one another about trivial bullshit. They just had differences in opinions was all.
"Alright enough, no more of this. We came here to drink, not be hostile towards one another, alright?" Zayn stressed as he gave a passing glance to Louis before landing on Liam, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Louis could hear Zayn muttur out, "It's not a big deal, Li."
Louis wanted to chime in and poke the bear a little more because it was all good fun. Louis would never purposely want to make Liam feel bad or anyone for the matter, so he knew when enough was enough.
Suddenly, Louis heard the chair beside him screeching and a body popping down into the seat. Another beer was placed in front of Louis as he flicked his gaze towards Niall, what was this?
Niall never, ever got anyone drinks. At least not for free. He wanted something.
"Are you actually being generous for once or is there something I can help you with, Nialler?" Louis inquired.
Niall was a good mate and always great company. Another one of Louis' close friends he had known practically all his life. But Louis knew Niall enough to know there was always motive behind certain things, especially when it meant him doing something nice for you, for free.
"Eh, not quite. Just thought you could use a spare." Niall stated as if were no big deal, but the wheels in Louis' head started to turn. Taking a glance over his shoulder as his eyes honed in on the twenty-something heartthrob behind the bar. Barrel-chested and brawny, with dow eyes and a charming smile. No wonder Niall was gone forever.
Louis just shook his head and gazed at Niall. "You're such a shit liar, you know. Too busy flirting with Donovan again?" Niall must have had been in a lust induced coma to realize he'd ordered another drink to stall. "I mean I'm not shocked since you've been drooling over him for months now."
"He's so fit though, I mean how can you not just stare and think wow." Niall nearly moaned at the last word and Louis almost cringed. "We're making progress you know, he's finally gotten my name right." Niall sounded very proud, and Louis felt bad for wanting to laugh.
Honestly, it was sad that Niall believed there was something there. Ever since Niall started his job at this pub over a year and a half ago, he had been working an insane amount of hours. Giving him the chance of meeting all kinds of people, some more friendly than not. Louis never heard Niall go on for days about anyone, not until Donovan started six months ago. Niall had been trying to get close, but Donovan was a complicated man. From what Louis had observed over the times when Niall dragged him to the pub on his day off. Like tonight, except this time all the lads were here.
Well except, Harry. He had been busy all day with picking up an extra shift at the restaurant, waiting tables. But he did promise he'd make it in some time tonight and honestly, Louis couldn't wait to see him.
"I'm still shocked you let him call you Neil for nearly half a year. If anyone of us had said it, you'd have our heads." Liam chimed in, and he wasn't wrong about that.
Niall hated when his name got all sorts of chopped up. From poorly done name tags to being called Nail by numerous people over the years, Louis understood it. He did. Being called Lewis from time to time and having his name being spelt just as wrong. Not a big deal, Louis just let it roll off his back. However, for Niall he just couldn't stand it, so obviously Niall was just too smitten to care anymore. As long as it was only the dreamboat colleague of his doing it, then it was okay.
"But he's so hot, though." Niall reasoned as if were a perfectly good reason.
"Then why don't you go ask him to go for drinks one of these days then, Neil?" Louis knew he sounded like a smug arsehole. It was all in good fun though, especially when it came to messing around with Niall crushes. "Unless you want me to go over there myself and ask him out for you?"
"No!"
"But-"
"Louis, as much as I appreciate your enthusiasm to do that for me, I just wanna take things slow. You know see where things go naturally." Niall explained as he brought his beer to his lips. "I don't want to scare him off, especially if he's not available."
"Well, you don't know if you don't try, Ni." Zayn added in, and Niall just set his beer down and shrugged his shoulders.
Louis could see Niall glancing over his shoulder, and he just reached over patting Niall on the shoulder.
Maybe one day Niall could get his happy ending.
Louis sipped at his other beer, listening to Liam and Zayn talk some sense into Niall. Which was pretty much pointless because Niall was quite stubborn and wasn't about to just waltz up there. Not when he didn't have an excuse to do so and honestly, Louis just thought Niall was waiting to be the one asked out. Slow paced or not.
At one point, the mood around the table shifted when Louis was draining half of his beer. Harry arrived, pink cheeked and curls out of sorts from the wind with a dusting of snow. January was definitely not a kind month. But as much as Harry looked good nestled into his peacoat, Louis couldn't help but stare at the woman beside him.
Who was this? And why did everyone seem so happy to see her?
Louis just sat there silently as he listened to Harry say, "Sorry we were running a bit late, got held up at the salon."
The salon?
Louis was muddled.
"It's alright, H." Zayn waved him off as he glanced at the girl beside him whose got a shoulder length strawberry blonde hair. "And that must be Ellie, right?"
"Yeah." Harry had this smile across his face, and he had yet to look Louis in the eyes. "She's been dying to meet you lads all day."
"I wouldn't say all day, babe." Ellie beamed as she nudged him into the side. "Can't believe you're making me out to be a liar already." She then laughed leaving Louis even more baffled.
"Well, either way, we're happy to finally meet this mystery girl we've all heard about for days now, about time he introduced us to you." Liam commented, Louis could feel his heart go tense in his chest.
He felt dull and achy when Harry finally glanced at him, there was a touch of a smile on his lips. He sat down into the spot beside Zayn and Ellie' between Harry and Niall. The table suddenly felt crowded, and Louis felt sick, so fucking ill. Louis couldn't even finish his beer because he knew what was about to come, he just knew.
"I"m just glad he finally asked me out after all this time of flirting with me for months on end, I was about to ask him for dinner myself." Ellie giggled, and Louis wanted to throw up. He had to break his gaze and focus on his beer that was almost gone. Feeling eyes burning on him and Louis knew who they belong to, but Louis couldn't do this.
If Louis was not careful enough, he may just break completely, and he couldn't do that right now. Not when he felt twenty three again, walking in on Sean in bed with someone else. Except this time, it stung a little more.
They just slept together not even a few days ago, they had been hooking up for over a fucking year. Yet, Harry hadn't had the decency to tell Louis he'd been talking to someone? That there was someone he might possibly want to be with? Not thinking for a second that maybe Louis had already been through enough.
And that was what hurt the most.
Louis sat there quietly as everyone talked amongst each other. Hearing all about Ellie, that she was a hairdresser and knew Harry for a little over half a year. That was how they met, Harry had always got his hair done by her, and they became close. Ellie had an older step-brother, and she still lived at home with her dad and step-mum. Louis tried to listen, to see what was so great about her but he just ended up tuning most of it out. He was holding himself from running back home to Doncaster because Louis knew at least his mum couldn't break his heart.
For a moment, Louis braved a look at Harry feeling a dullness in his chest when the corners of Harry's lid upward.
Louis wanted to glare at him and be bitter, to send Harry a text to tell him never talk to him again, but he didn't. Harry was his best friend. It'd be a shitty thing to do all because Harry obviously didn't feel the same as him. That Harry kept his promise and it wouldn't be fair. Louis was afraid he couldn't stay away from Harry anyway.
"So, um, Louis, is it?" Ellie asked with her eyes on Louis, already trying to get him to talk. Great. Louis just gave a small nod, not really up to talking to her. "Harry always talks about how you're so talkative, but you seem quite shy to me." Well, she was wrong. "But you don't have to be quiet around me, I promise I don't bite."
Louis couldn't do this right now, he needed to get the hell away. It was going to make him seem to be a complete dick, but Louis couldn't force himself to talk to Ellie. Not when he felt wretched and betrayed.
"I've got to use the loo, excuse me." Louis muttered under his breath, popping out of his seat, and veered towards the toilets. Ignoring the questionable stares he was getting when he left.
He locked himself in one of the stalls and put his face in his hands. Louis had this tight, painful feeling in his throat and felt like his world was spinning. He wanted to let it out, to cry and scream, to march out there and tell Harry that this wasn't fair. That he shouldn't have cuddled Louis the other day after he fucked him, kissed him, and asked to stay. To ask Harry why he had waited until tonight and just blindside Louis like that? Harry shouldn't have hid Ellie from him because he knew what Louis had been through.
Louis remembered the first day of November, last year, when Harry had said, "You've always deserved better, Lou.". It was like a slap in the face because how did Louis deserve this? To be kept in the dark when everyone one else knew Harry was dating, that they knew before Louis. That they got to hear Harry talk about this person fondly while he discreetly shagged Louis on the side. Like Louis was nothing but another notch in his bedpost. Harry and him used to tell each other everything, and it was sad that apparently, they didn't share that bond anymore.
Louis felt like an idiot for even believing for a moment that everything would end up okay. For thinking friends with benefits was such an amazing idea and he wouldn't have gotten attached. For Harry cracking that, "Promise you won't fall in love with me." joke every time they slept together accompanied by a snicker and dimpled smile. Louis wished he would have run to the hills and never looked back because there was nothing he could do. It was unfixable.
For a moment, Louis contemplated coming up with every lie in the book to excuse himself for the night. Not in the mood to drink and suffer through this shitty night. He would rather go home and hide under the covers. Blog his feelings away and cry silently as he typed. Eventually calling Lottie, his sister at one in the morning because he would need someone to sob to over the phone. Trying to brand it in his mind that Harry and him will never be more than friends.
Eventually, Louis decided he'd play the "I've gotten an awful headache." card and hopefully it'd get him out of lads night.
When he finally left the bathroom, he was already traipsing his way towards the table until he slowed to a stop half way there. Niall, Zayn, and Liam were no longer at the table, off at the billiard playing a round of pool with some fellow revelers. There was Harry and Ellie at the table being disgusting, she was kissing Harry's cheek and laughing at whatever stupid pun he cracked. Louis could feel a fiery sensation in his gut as he just shook his head, heading towards the bar. Louis would need another drink before going over there.
Louis slid up to an empty spot at the bar, ordering another lite beer. Hoping to get his buzz back in order to face the new couple. It makes Louis' heart pang at the words, and he told Donovan to nevermind and give him a regular. Realizing that maybe he needed something a little stronger to get through this night.
But soon enough before Louis could even taste his beer that was in front of him, he felt something gently prod him on the small of his back. Louis let out a breath as he turned in his spot only to freeze up when he sees Harry standing there in his coat, with Louis' green parka jacket draped over his arm. Louis for a moment wants to grab his beer and flee into the confines back in the toilet stall. Not wanting to face Harry or the reality of the night. Louis would rather not, but apparently, Harry had different plans.
"Walk with me to my car?" Harry asked carefully, he had this look in his eyes. Was it guilt? Maybe. Whatever it was, it made Louis' stomach feel so hollow.
"Uh, yeah, sure." Louis didn't want to do this.
Yet, Louis' finds himself taking his coat and slipping it on, not bothering to zip up as they head out of the noisy pub. Falling into step together as they walked through the slush and snow in the dimly lit car park. Crunching beneath their feet and the only other sounds are the cars speeding down the streets. Louis feels like he can't even breath when Harry finally breaks the silence between them.
"So, I've got a girlfriend now."
"I've noticed." Louis murmured, continued to pace about until he felt a hand grab his stopping him in his tracks.
There was a silence in the air between them for a moment, and Louis felt light headed. He could feel the fresh snow on his cheeks and the rush of cold air. Eventually turning to face Harry, not ready to let go of his hand because this may be the last time Louis ever gets to touch him like this.
"I don't think..." Harry started to say before he paused, letting out a breath that Louis could see in the crisp night air. "I think we should go back to being just friends."
And there it was. Everything Louis would was afraid would happen. Something that had Louis believing that maybe he's just not meant to ever find love. Because all the times he's tried it fell apart, so what's even the point anymore?
Louis' not even sure how the hell they'll just go back to old times before things got complicated. It makes no sense to Louis. Not at all. Not when they live under the same roof, and Louis knows far too much about Harry already. That Harry's hair smelled faintly of coconuts and that he laughs whenever you kiss on his neck. He likes it when Louis scratches at his skin and moans his name.
In all honestly, Louis didn't even know if he could do this.
"But you're okay, right?" Harry asked, and Louis nodded, even though it was a lie. "You've been quiet all night, and you haven't gotten to know Ellie, yet." Yeah, because Louis was not interested. " She's great, Lou. El loves those reality shows you like and The Sims. I think you'd both could bond over that." Yeah, Louis would rather not. "Just give her a chance, alright?"
"Okay." Louis wanted to say no and tell Harry to go fuck himself for making Louis feel obligated to befriend this person that was practically replacing him. To make Louis sit on the sidelines and pretend like everything was okay. Not even giving it a thought that maybe Louis just had his heart broken.
For a moment they were just standing there, Louis' toes were cold, and in that second he realized Harry was still holding his hand. It made Louis' heart want to beat a little faster and step closer to feel the warmth of his body, but Louis knew he couldn't anymore. Because friends weren't supposed to be in love and cuddle in the middle of a car park.
"Do you wanna go back inside?" Harry broke the quietness between them, sounding hopeful.
Louis shook his head, breaking his hand free of Harry's even though every part of him wanted to hold on. "Think I might actually call it a night, H. Got a massive headache, honestly." It was a bold-face lie, but what could Louis say? That he was sad? That he didn't even want to be around his mates right now?
Louis just wanted no questions asked and to go home.
"Do you want me to call you a cab?" Harry asked, but Louis shook his head. They lived not even five minutes from the pub.
"I'll be alright, H. Not like I'm going to freeze to death." Louis tried to joke, but it felt more forced than anything. "Tell the lads that I'm sorry I left, I'm just not in it tonight."
"Of course, Lou," Harry said simply, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets. "Just feel better, alright?"
Louis smiled a little and nodded before walking off, and he never felt more empty. As if he just left a part of himself back at the pub as he walked along the snow covered pavement.
A part of Louis wanted to head off to another pub on the other side of the city and get shit-faced drunk. Forgetting about everything that went wrong for a little while. Finding himself a bloke just as sad as he was and bring him home. Letting him fuck Louis until he would forget Harry. Waking up to an empty bed and full of regrets because he knew he couldn't just do one night stands. But the thing was, Louis wanted to be alone and just not have anyone bother him. Hopefully, his mates would be out until wee hours in the morning. Maybe Louis would be asleep by then because he was already so fucking exhausted.
The frosty air probably wasn't helping Louis' case with breathing because it was so damn cold out. His fingers were numb, and his shoes were soaked from the slush. Maybe he should have called a cab. Oh well, too late now, Louis was less than two minutes away as he treaded along the pavement under the puddles of light formed by the street lamps. Ignoring that dreadful burning itchiness on his thighs from the cold winter night.
If Louis were honest with himself, he wanted to cry. He felt like a fool for even thinking there was something special there. For even wanting something he could never have.
Maybe love just wasn't for him, because it had never worked out for him so far.
Everyone had always left him or hurt him. No one stuck around long enough because they wanted to leave or ended up not feeling the same. Louis thought maybe there was something wrong with him, that he was nothing more than a good fuck or someone there to talk to when all he wanted was to know that there was someone out there for him.
A wonderful guy that didn't plan on breaking his heart. Who would love Louis unconditionally, be supportive, and would always be there when Louis needed him the most. Who would want to marry him someday and share their life together.
Louis was not sure if he'll ever get to have that because all he wanted was Harry to be that somebody.
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✨Okay, so I was asked to post this on wattpad! But it's also posted on ao3.
Hopefully you enjoy it so far!