I wrote this short one shot because with few people, we noticed that during the closer era, something seemed weird between these two, like if they were distant, and i started to imagine what happened... forgive me i'm still struggling a lot to write in english so there would be probably a lot of mistakes jeehfiuaehfp anyway hope you will enjoy
Yes, that's true. They never dated. They absolutely never dated. But no one could deny it, their relationship was special. Everyone know it, Hakyeon was the only one who weren't afraid by Taekwoon when they first met. He was never afraid to hug or touch him, talk to him, even if sometimes it involved talking alone. It wasn't a secret anymore how Hakyeon would rely on Taekwoon when he was tired, how he would let Taekwoon catching him if he was about to fall. And even if the members teased them a lot, saying it was one-sided friendship, they knew very well how Taekwoon would talk only to Hakyeon of he wasn't feeling well, or if he just wanted to talk. They knew that Hakyeon was the only one who could give to him this feeling of security. They knew how Taekwoon would do small things for Hakyeon when he think nobody see him. Cooking his favorite dish or cleaning his room when he's tired. Buying '' extra '' snacks or banana milk. And what only Hakyeon knew, is how Taekwoon would always complimenting him.
'' your skin is pretty, don't worry ''
Would he say if he see Hakyeon staring at his reflection too intensely.
'' you're still cutter ''
Would he say if he saw everyone dying over Jaehwan 's aegyo and Hakyeon putting.
'' you're better than them, you're even the best.''
Would he whisper to his ear if he see him eying other dancers performance with envy.
'' you're beautiful '' '' you're doing great '' '' you're a good leader ''
Always small talk with his soft voice, that would make Hakyeon's stomach twist.
That was the secret of his legendary self confidence. He didn't care being called selfish or narcissistic. If Taekwoon said it, then it's true. But of course, he would never say it loudly. Taekwoon wound't like it.
However, despite their so special relationships, despite them being '' life long friends '', something changed. Hakyeon didn't notice at first, he just thought Taekwoon was in a bad day. But days, then weeks passed, and Taekwoon was growing more and more distant. He stopped talking to him when they were only the two of them. He stopped holding his hands discreetly when no one was watching. He started pushing him if Hakyeon was about to hug or touch him. He became so cold, so distant but the worse was when he stopped complimenting him, and do the opposite. If Hakyeon was asking, jokingly, '' am I ugly '' Taekwoon would say '' yes. '' If Hakyeon would do aegyo, he would turn his back with the other. He wasn't watching him dance anymore. He didn't cook only for him anymore.
Of course, Hakyeon didn't say anything, didn't show that he was hurt. But he was suffering so much, it was like hundred of knives stabbing his chest constantly. He felt so lonely, despite his friends from other groups, despite his own members.
He cound't bare this pain. He cound't stay like this, he had to fix this. So he started interroging himself.
'' What changed? Why Taekwoon suddenly found me ugly? "
He asked to the naked reflection in front of him. He tried to remember all the drama or shojo he knew, why would a guys suddenly stop loving someone he like. Then, he understood when his eyes stopped on his stomach. It was that, right? He gained too much weight. He became fat. He became ugly, dark and round. He smiled weakly, touching his cheeks. There were too big, he looked like a stupid hamster. His ass was too big. Not to mention his tights. He was trembling, now. His skin was darker than usual, right? He was sure, now. That was the reason. He needed to change that, he needed to make Taekwoon love him again.
***
He started a diet. Well, he convinced himself that it was just a diet. In fact, he stopped eating. Usually, it would be Taekwoon who made sure that Hakyeon eat enough when he come back late. But he stopped, and with that, Hakyeon stopped eating the evening, lying to the other, saying he already ate. He also started buying creams to bleach skins that he found on internet. It was expensive, and he wasn't sure if it worked, but he needed to try.
He became obsessed with his appearance. At the point where it made the other members upset and they started to take some distance.
Taekwoon started to be really clingy with the other members, especially with Jaehwan,and especially when Hakyeon was here. He tried his best to ignore it, but it was hurting so much.
One day, Wonshik came talk to him, apparently angry.
'' can't you say to your stupid kitten to take off his dirty hands from my Jyani? It's so annoying hyung, he hug him more than me! ''
'' He's not mine, Shikkie. He was never mine. ''
Said Hakyeon, starring blankly in front of him.
'' Hyung... Everything is alright? You're acting weird, lately... ''
'' yes of course, don't worry Shikkie! ''
Wonshik was about to say something, but Jaehwan suddenly came, and it distracted Wonshik who turned his attention toward his puppy and forgot about this incident.
***
Hakyeon was getting skinnier and skinnier, but no matter how skinny he was, Taekwoon wound't laid an eye on him. So he never stopped his so called '' diet '', hiding himself under larger clothes when Minhyuk told him he was worried about him, and Hongbin asked him if he was eating enough.
Hongbin... Hongbin his vaillant knight, who always protected him. He never stopped keeping an eye on him, and despite Hakyeon doing his best to hide, he noticed when Hakyeon would throw up the food he just ate. He freaked out, wondering what happened. He didn't know how to react to help Hakyeon. If he tell the other, Hakyeon would hate him and closing himself from the other. If he didn't, his condition would be worse. He absolutely needed to talk about it. And the person, in his opinion, who knew Hakyeon the best, would be Taekwoon.
'' Do you know what's wrong with Hakyeon hyung? Did you have a fight with him? ''
Taekwoon didn't move, his eyes barely flicked from the book he was reading. It was getting on Hongbin's nerves. How could he ignore his best friend's condition?
'' Hyung, please you need to talk to him, I'm really worried , and- ''
They were suddenly interrupted by a loud tud, coming from the kitchen, with the sound of glasses scattering. They looked at each other, realisation flashing through their eyes.
Hakyeon.
They rushed into the kitchen, to find Hakyeon unconscious, laying in the floor, pieces of glasses around him, some cuting his arms and tainting the white floor with red. Taekwoon froze, his mind stopped functioning. What happened. When. Where. He suddenly realized that he haven't watched Hakyeon properly since ... Since when? Last time he saw him, he wasn't sure, when was it? Yesterday? Last week? Last month?... But he was sure, he had that pretty smile on his face, he was giggling, his cheeks full that he wanted to kiss so badly, his tanned skin giving him this exotic beauty that he loved so much. But all of that was gone. His face was pale, so pale, his cheeks was hollowed, he had dark circles under his closed eyes, his hair seemed to have fall a lot,and they were dull. What happened to him? What happened to his Yeonnie?
He felt like waking up from a dream. Where was he, during all this time? How did he lost himself?
'' ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD? I ASKED TO HELP ME TO CARY HIM! ''
Taekwoon came back to the reality, and saw Hongbin, who had took off his arms the pieces of glasses and now was struggling to take him in his arms. Taekwoon moved as fast as he could, almost tripping against a chair, to take Hakyeon into his own arms. That was when he closed his hands around Hakyeon's waist that he understood what was Hongbin talking about. Hakyeon was so skinny, too skinny, it was scaring.
He was stupid, so stupid. He didn't even deserve to hold this body against his chest, he didn't deserve touching him. He let him die. He left him alone, because of his stupid feelings. He forced himself to stop thinking,to only focus on Hakyeon. Following Hongbin who was leading the way with they car's key, his hands shaking, menacing to drop the keys, like every time he was anxious. Put Hakyeon on the back seat of the car,sitting next to him to hold him, leaving Hongbin drive them to the hospital. Never stopping checking if Hakyeon was still... Alive.
They finally reached their destination and left their beloved leader to the nurse's hands, and sat on the waiting room. Hongbin cound't just wait like that, doing nothing, so he started walking, and when he had enough of this suffocating room, enough of the tension, he went out, deciding to call the other members.
Taekwoon was left alone with his thoughts, and this time he cound't run away. He cound't continue to lie to himself. Seeing Hakyeon, in such a miserable condition, brought him to his senses. He started questioning himself, when did he started loving Hakyeon more than a friend?
Maybe this feeling was still here, sleeping into his heart,but here since the beginning, since he saw Hakyeon for the first time. Maybe that was the reason why he was never bothered by Hakyeon's behaviors.
But loving a guy was wrong. His father always told him that, the rare time when this subject was mentioned. Loving someone from the same gender was taboo, cound't be imagined. For his father, it was for sick people who lost their minds. So when he realized his feelings, he freaked out. He thought he had a mental problem, he thought, maybe he was overworking himself, so that's why he fell sick? He started worrying about Hakyeon. What if that was contagious? He needed to take distances, for Hakyeon, to protect him.
But what he did only make things worse. Why was he realizing that only now?
Deep inside, a little voice was trying to defend him.
'' that's not your fault. Nobody educated you, nobody told you it wasn't something bad and wrong. You cound't avoid that. ''
'' Shut up. I have no excuses. I should have talk about it with the other, I should- ''
'' Hyung? Are you alright? ''
He raised his head, and realized he was talking out loud. In front of him, Wonshik was crouching in front of him, worried.
'' If you're not okay, tell us please, we don't need an other member sick... ''
Taekwoon smiled weakly,and gestured Wonshik to sit beside him.
'' I'm okay. Now. Where are the other? ''
'' I'm the first, they are going to be there soon. Hongbin told me.... Hyung, what happened? How did Hakyeon finished in that... Condition ? ''
Taekwoon sighed, and avoided his eyes, suddenly very interested by the dust on the floor. An awkward silence was bringing even more tension in the room, until Taekwoon had enough of lying to everyone, to himself. He cound't repeat the same mistake.
'' Wonshik... Please, be honest with me. I need to know. ''
''... Yes, of course... ''
Wonshik, honestly, was a little bit scared. Everyone, even him, had secrets, and he hadn't decided yet to tell them to the other. But in such circumstances, he didn't have the choice. He saw how much untell secreted can cause pain.
'' I know that must seem... Weird... But... You and Jaehwan, you're dating, right? ''
There was a silence, heavy and full of tension. Taekwoon was almost sure he was right. He saw Wonshik's eyes on Jaehwan, it was the eyes of a man in love. The same than his own eyes when he used to watch Hakyeon.
'' Yes. Were we... This obvious? ''
Wonshik finally said, meeting the other's eyes.
Taekwoon chuckled softly.
'' Well, you can't stop devouring Jaehwan with your eyes, you're always stick to him, always talk about how much he's cute and pretty, I was just wondering if the feelings were mutual.... ''
Wonshik seemed highly offended, and gasped, touching his heart in a dramatic way.
'' Are you kidding me??? Of course he love me! He love only me, he love me a lot, he-''
'' Okay okay I get it... I was just... You know... It's not wrong, to love another man, right? ''
Wonshik became serious again, and was slowly starting to understand.
'' Of course it's not wrong. Love doesn't have gender, it's about heart, not sex... I know our society is... Really closed about that, I know how was your position about that when we debuted, you made it clear this time when we were talking about it, but I honestly always knew... That you would change your mind. You just didn't have the right education. No one told you it wasn't wrong... Tell me, it's because of that, you were scared, and tried to avoid hyung, right? ''
Taekwoon lowered his head, shameful, ready to endure the insults, for breaking their leader like that. But they never came. Instead, Wonshik was patting his head.
'' It's okay hyung, I don't blame you-... ''
'' WE don't blame you. ''
Taekwoon turned his head, to see that Sanghyuk, Hongbin and Jaehwan were here and probably heard everything. He was embarassed and his cheeks started to tinting red,but his friends came closer to embrace him, caughing him our of guard.
'' Like Wonshik said, it's okay hyung, we don't blame you. We can't, we don't have to right to. It was also our fault, we didn't see anything, we ignored him... The most important is to take care of him, now, okay? ''
It was unusual for Jaehwan to be so serious. For once, he was really the third Hyung. Wonshik took his hand and squeezed it, reassuring him.
''He' s going to be okay, we will be careful. ''
Sanghyuk was silent. All his usual bravado was gone, the child too early exposed to the idols life was remaining. He seemed shaken. To be honest, they were all. Hakyeon was their pillar. He prepared them to everything. Everything, except living without him. They cound't loose him. He was too important. And especially for Sanghyuk. Hakyeon was like a mom and a dad for him, since the begining, he was always complaining but umhe cound't deny it, he NEEDED someone to guide him and to take care of him, to sometimes scold him, to compliment him when he did well, to help him improve. The other members didn't say anything, but they knew if Sanghyuk would start to talk he would cry so they left him, pressing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
A doctor finally came, asking for a referent. They hesitate a little bit. They didn't call Hakyeon's parents to not worry them, and didn't call either à manager. Taekwoon finally took the head of the group, coming back to his senses.
'' we're... We're his family. ''
The doctor raised an eyebrow but didn't ask anything more, guiding them to his office. He sat behind his desk, and adjusted his glasses before reading some paper.
'' His name his Cha Hakyeon, right... So... You're all living together? Are you a band or something like that? ''
This made them smile a little bit, despite their worries. This man really had no clue about who they were. He didn't even wait for their confirmation, seems in a hurry.
'' Okay so... He woke up and our therapist nurse talked to him a little bit. We established a diagnostic. He seem to have an eating disorder; anorexia... I was wondering, you guys didn't saw anything, like skipping meals or anything? ''
They didn't answered immediately. The realization hitting them slowly. Jaehwan started talking with a weak voice.
'' No... He... He eat with us at least once in a day and... ''
'' No. He don't. ''
Hongbin interrupted him, clenching his fist.
'' What? ''
'' He throw up his every time right after we finish eating. I couldn't... I'm sorry guys, I discovered that too late... ''
There was a moment of silence, then the doctors started talking again.
'' He's okay now, he was obviously suffering from malnutrition, but with a therapy and your help, he will recover quickly. You just need to be really careful. He may not do it in purpose, eating disorder are sometimes not under the person's control, but look carefuly how he eat, of he swallow the food, don't let him go to the restroom after the meals. Be careful with what you say : don't tell him he's too skinny, but don't tell him either he's fine like that. Avoid him to focus on his physical appearance, hide all the balances, try to distract him. Don't let him do physical sport either. ''
Taekwoon was mentally noting everything, nodding at every sentence. But he was growing impatient to see Hakyeon, he really needed talk to him, and be sure he's alright. Wonshik noticed that he was shaking his leg, signal for him that he needed to move quickly, so he grabbed his shoulder.
'' I will take care of the rest. Go and see him. ''
Taekwoon didn't even wait for the doctor to give him the permission ; he rushed outside of the office to find Hakyeon's room.
He was a little bit hesitant before entering. But he needed do face him, he needed to tell him. So he finally opened the door. In front of him was laying Hakyeon, still so pale, he seemed so fragile, so broken, with all these machines and tubes around him. He looked at him with wide eyes, and started crying before Taekwoon could even talk. He started panicking, coming closer to him, but Hakyeon was hiding himself under his palms.
'' Don't look at me... Please... I'm ugly... ''
Taekwoon's heart skipped a beat. What was happening. Something clicked in his head. Softly, he grabbed his hands, and took them away from his teary face.
'' Hey, Yeonnie... I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I was so stupid... You didn't have to... ''
He stopped himself, remembering the doctor's words. He cound't tell him that he was perfect in his eyes, or Hakyeon wound't take weight.
'' Listen, Hakyeon... I know I should have say that before... A long time ago. But I freaked out, I didn't know what to do. I don't expect you to return the same feelings, I'll be okay if we stay like before, just life long friends.... ''
Hakyeon stopped crying, and was watching him silently, listening to him. Taekwoon caressed his cheeks, and throw himself in the water.
'' I love you, Hakyeon, I really love you, more than a friend, more than anything. I've never felt something like this before... I'm so sorry that I freaked out, I didn't know it would affect you that much, I didn't even know it wasn't wrong to love you... I'm so sorry, Yeonnie... ''
Hakyeon smiled to him, and suddenly, his face seemed to be the same than before, the same sunshine.
'' It's okay, Taekwoon, it's not your fault. I was stupid... I wanted you to look at me, I wanted you to love me, and you already loved me... ''
He started to cry again, but this time, it was tears of happiness. Carefully, like if he was too afraid to break him even more, Taekwoon grabbed hiss chin between two fingers, and kissed his forehead.
'' Everything is alright , Yeonnie. Don't worry anymore. You thought... That I didn't like you anymore because i found you ugly, that's it? "
Hakyeon nodded, sobbing. He, who was usually the strong leader with a strong personality, who would never shut up, felt so weak, couldn't say a single word between Taekwoon's arms. But, he had to answer to Taekwoon, he had to give him a confirmation. So , he started talking, with a trembling voice :
" I love you too, Taekwoon... I love you so much... I'm sorry, it's not your fault, you suffered a lot, you too, right? "
Taekwoon smiled, and oh God, how much Hakyeon loved this smile. He couldn't resist. He leaned to kiss him on the lips, his lips so pretty, who always reminded him soft roses bud in the middle of his pale skin. Taekwoon closed his eyes, anticipating the kiss, and
" OKAY YOU CAN STOP HER WE SAW ENOUGH "
The two elder members jumped at the sound of this loud and high pitched voice, and Taekwoon sweared to God, he will make Jaehwan pay for this. In fact he was about to do it now, but a huge sobbing Teddy bear suddenly threw him on the floor to take his spot and hug Hakyeon.
" M-Mom ..."
The said mom chuckled , petting his giant baby's hair.
"I'm okay, Hyogie, I'm okay now..."
They all came to make a group hug , Wonshik being the one who cried the most, and Hakyeon never felt this good, with his family, his children , he could feel their love, and that was warming his heart so much.
***
Hakyeon came back to the dorm, and the other members wound't leave him alone, they were so scared that something happen to him... They just realized how much Hakyeon was important to them. Hakyeon was thinking , a little bit bitterly, "they needed an electro choc to realize that i was there " but at the same time, he knew a lesson without pain is meaningless, and that applied to him. He didn't realized himself how much he loved Taekwoon, he was ready to loose everything, just to have his attention. He sighed and let his head rest against Taekwoon's broad shoulders. Love really can make such stupid things... for Taekwoon, it isolated him and put him in a state of denial so strong that it was almost putting him in another world. And for Hakyeon, it was breaking him, and he did such crazy things... He shivered. He was a little bit scared by this feeling, by the reaction out of control that it could cause, this feeling wasn't too strong for them to handle?
Like usual, Taekwoon seemed to guess his worries. He enveloped Hakyeon in his long arms, holding him tightly , placing soft kiss in his hair.
" Don't think too much, Yeonnie... let it be... "
Hakyeon smiled and closed his eyes. Yes... Love wasn't easy... but he could never control it anyway. So yeah, let it be. Between these strong arms, he was safe. They will take their time slowly, they needed time, to understand this new thing between them, they weren't like Wonshik and Jaehwan ,Hakyeon thought, laughing silently.
When they were at the hospital, Taekwoon dropped that bomb, to " take his revenge on Jaehwan for interrupting them earlier " explained Taekwoon. To be honest, they weren't really surprised, thye all just wondered when they would have the guts to make it official. Since then, this disgusting couple weren't hiding themselves anymore and were sucking each other mouths everywhere in the dorm, not minding the sounds of Hyuk and Hongbin pretending to vomit. Wonshik would just say " too sad that Hongbin is too busy with overwatch to give you a blowjob " and that would shut up Hyuk for few hours during these he would hide under his bed, too scared to face Hongbin without blushing furiously.
Hakyeon was happy now, peace came back to the dorm, was he thinking while a loud crash followed by a high pitched scream could be heard in the living room, everything was normal.