NOAH AND I WENT TO THE LODGE TO PACK UP. SADIE NEEDED TIME to herself and went for a run. We'd pick her up down the highway, wherever she appeared. The others had gone into town.
The nearly silver-skinned, red-eyed young vieczy had been a particular concern to me. I had no idea how he was keeping it together as well as he was, but that didn't mean he'd be able to maintain this façade. I think he was doing it for Ben, to prove that he wasn't a monster, not really. That nothing had changed.
"This is an awful lot of stuff," Noah said as he tossed one of Ginny's logo-emblazoned overnight bags into the back.
I laughed. "You should see what she brings when she's traveling for pleasure."
"Yeah," he said softly, holding a small carry-on in his hand. "It's weird. What fits in this bag is more than we ever owned in there. I had a book. Sadie and Ben each had a book. We had clothes that were passed down to us but weren't really ours. And I'm pretty sure there are only shoes in this bag," he said, trying to be light but not able to.
Noah and Ben's struggles with the outside world were such an eye-opener. I had met Sadie in a Mercedes with an AMG engine, in an outfit she'd gotten through a stylist that came off a runway, decked out in hair and makeup and every thing like my sister always was. She carried a checkbook, booked plane tickets, did everything like a normal person. Actually, like a very well established, well connected, and wealthy person, which is hardly normal. And I had — we all had — taken that for granted. But she walked out of that town on the mountain with the clothes on her back, no shoes on her feet (I later learned), and a copy of Theogony wrapped in cloth.
And because I didn't have Sadie here to ask, I asked Noah: "How do you do it, man? How do you go from in there to out here?"
"I don't think I really have," he said. "But I can tell you this much, I can't go back there. I have things to fight for . . . out here."
Ben had told me about their relationship before we went to Oaxaca, but he clearly hadn't told Noah that, and Noah had likely never voiced aloud what each of us had come to know to anyway. I can't imagine the fear they'd been suffocated by. And though I wasn't one to pry, I wanted him to know he didn't have to hide. They'd hidden enough. A closet seemed an unfair layer of imprisonment.
So I said, "Ben, you mean."
He clammed up instantly. "What does Ben have to do with it?" he asked, deflecting my glance and walking inside for another bag.
I followed him in. "It's okay," I said. "About you and Ben . . . we know. It's not weird out here. It's okay that you feel . . ."
"Mark, stop. I don't feel anything. I don't know what you're talking about," he insisted. But his eyes were so full of fear, it kind of broke my heart.
I put my hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Noah, we're in a messed up world. We're dealing with hell, front and center, every goddamned day. That you can love anyone in the midst of this makes every one of us hopeful. And that you are able to control what you are because of that, that you were able to break free from the rest of the Rogues because you wanted to return to him? Well, it's inspiring.
I know you love him. I know he loves you. And I know you're probably scared out of your mind. But you don't have to hide it anymore."
His burning red eyes filled with tears, and silver-red streaks cut down his face. "I am scared," he whispered. "I don't want to hurt him."
"You won't. I'll help you. We'll find your strength, Noah. We'll keep him safe."
"Thank you," he breathed, his voice pinched and breathy. Then he sobbed openly.
I pulled the kid to my chest and held him close. Any brother of Sadie's was a brother of mine.
WE ALL MET UP WITH SADIE SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO, AND DECIDED TO HEAD TO Pacific Grove and take a night's reprieve, to live our human lives before we'd start living in a way so inhuman that we'd forget we could. Or so Sadie said.
Everett and Ginny took Kutoyis back to Canada, despite his protests, and met us in California.
Late that night, I was driving one of the Land Cruisers I had so lovingly tricked out for our lifestyle while Sadie sat in the front seat, her knees to her chest, poring over the pages of The Cider House Rules Lizzie had left for her. Ben and Noah were in the backseat, Ben asleep on Noah's chest and the smallest fraction of weight lifted from Noah's face. I couldn't wait to tell Ginny that they were going to (hopefully) be more comfortable now. She'd been torn apart by their guilt and stress from hiding it. She said she'd felt that enough in her lifetime and wasn't willing to feel it again.
When we got to Pacific Grove, humanity had never felt more foreign. People walking on sidewalks, shopping, eating in restaurants, talking on their phones, running errands. Here was the life we'd lived before Sadie showed up. Here was who we could be, but were not.
I didn't like the feeling that I was doing something wrong. That I had made mistakes by doing what was right by my family. That I had missed out on my life.
Sadie wanted to go to San Jose to gear up for what would end up being an acquisition trip to L.A. She said she had a pretty clear plan for how to lure the supernaturals to us, but it would involve clothing she didn't own. I couldn't wait to see what that meant.
But we all decided to go — Gin, Ev, and I pretty excited at the idea of driving our own cars, which we hadn't touched in months. Ginny put Noah in her Lotus, Sadie went with Ev in the Maserati, and Ben was lucky enough to go with me in my badass Audi R8. I was ready to put them to shame. It was a bit ridiculous to take three cars to a place an hour away, but I so didn't care.
Everett started shit as soon as we got on the highway, driving so fast he could have been arrested, which was clearly dangerous for all the stupid human drivers around us. He ducked between SUVs at about 110 and suddenly Ginny's Lotus was on his tail, inches from his back bumper.
"You aren't going to catch them, are you?" Ben asked.
I laughed. "Of course I am. I'm just going to let them get distracted by their own fight for a second so I can rocket out on my own. Just watch."
Ev ducked right behind a church van, swerving immediately back to the left to land himself behind a Porsche and just barely in front of a big Cadillac. Ginny was pissed she missed the move and was now trailing behind. I waited for that magical space between cars that appears after assholes like my brother and sister ride everyone's tails.
Then I caught it, kicked my beauty into gear, and in too-few seconds I swiped straight past the opening, past the other cars who could see me coming and had the good sense to move, and past the red Lotus and the black Maserati. I caught a glimpse of Everett's angry face in the rearview. He was trying to show off to Sadie, I was sure of it. Stupidly human of him when he knew he couldn't win.
But I just focused on my car, listening to the seductive sounds of the Audi engine. My body was tensed, left hand on the wheel, darting skillfully, my whole body responding to each movement of the car. I don't know how I'd let myself forget this was what driving was like. This was what life here was like.
We made it to San Jose in 40 minutes, impressive and a bit scary, even for us.
As we valeted the cars at Santana Row, Sadie's chosen shopping destination, Everett appeared with his signature furrowed-brow look. He was a sore loser. Always had been. (I was worse. But I also rarely ended up a loser.)
Sadie and Ginny hurried into several shops. In the first, Sadie picked up a leather jacket, a mini skirt, and a bustier. When I raised my eyebrows, Ginny shoved me out.
"Go dress the boys like normal boys. We'll catch up with you," she said. Everett and I got Noah and Ben dressed appropriately. Noah took to the rugged looks at Diesel and the surprisingly hipster kid stuff at Urban Outfitters, while Ben went for more tailored looks — a Cole Haan shoe, Ted Baker button downs and blazers, and a few Burberry pieces we insisted on to punch it up. Didn't everybody need at least one leather jacket? They cleaned up well, although a little thrown by the stiffness of new clothes, they otherwise liked their looks.
It was interesting to see them interact in the real world. They were taking to it quickly, understanding what to say or at least what not to, following our lead extremely well, which made me wonder how Sadie did it when she had no connections to anyone in the human world for the first year she existed in it. No model to follow, and look where she ended up.
We reunited with the girls and their myriad of bags for a late dinner, dressed nicely now and seeming so friggin human. The day had passed too quickly. We needed more of this.
I couldn't help but notice the attention we received. We were all refined, beautiful by most standards, and youthful, the picturesque youth of the California Couture elite. With $500 dinners and shopping sprees, exotic cars and good looks, we looked like we had a surreal life. Something to envy.
And, look, I was as shallow as the next guy, but even I knew that looks could be deceiving. We were hiding in plain sight, deceiving them all.
And our lives? Anything but enviable.
I realized that's why Sadie had brought us here. She could have found her questionable clothing elsewhere, but she wanted to know that the six of us could pretend for a while that we weren't so bizarre — immortal, superhuman, lethal. She wanted us to go out together, eat rich food, shop, and relax — so we could be a version of ourselves we might wish we were, because we were saddled with living as a version of ourselves that we couldn't outrun. She had stopped articulating her need for normality, but she hadn't stopped feeling it.
Tonight she was with the California Winters she had met so long ago, and living the life they lived. We were the supernaturals who lived like humans, proof that it could be done. Which was important to her. I guessed it reminded her there could be life on the other side of this, if she fought for it.
I could see it in those fucked up purple eyes: These moments? This world? They were her motivation to survive. The truth? They were mine too.