this is somethin i wrote ages ago. i found it the other day and thought i would share it with you. it's a bit sad and it's about a girl who has given up all hope.... okay so it's more then a bit sadd at the end.
listen to the song. it goes with it and tells her stoy just as well as my written words.
I stood there with the pills in my hand. All I had to do was swallow them and everything would be the way it should be. I would be back in the darkness again and no would ever get hurt by me.
I stared at the letter I had just written to my love. The only one I truly cared for. But even he couldn't save me now.
The drugs had stopped working. They no longer gave me the hit I wanted. The relief from my troubled mind. I had become more and more hungry for harder drugs, hoping that they would hold the answers I desperately craved.
It was wrong of me to want to take my own life, the most selfish thing I could ever do. But it was more selfish of me to carry on a I was, slowly dieing in front of his eyes. He tried so hard to help me night after night, trying to console the pain, grief and sorrow I felt. But it was no use. I was lost in my own personal hell that was my life. A life I didn't really deserve.
I stared down at my hands, the skin clung to my bones and they threatened to pierce through and paint them a bloody red. My muscles had wasted away, it was a miracle I could still walk and function properly at times. I no longer felt the need to eat and my body was reluctantly shutting down as a result of the abuse and lack of nutritional substance.
I had one last thing I wanted to do before I took those final pills that would ensure me a blissful eternity.
I wondered down to the music room and sauntered over to the piano. My only true friend throughout my whole life. Music can never let you down, not really. It can make you happy or keep you company when your sad. I had written a song to explain why I was going to take my final breath tonight. I had written it for my love so he could finally see what I was going through.
When ever he breached the subject of feelings I would just shut off. Block him out. Not letting him in. It pained him to see me suffering alone. Not half as much as it hurt to see me high night after night though. Yet he allowed me do as I wished hoping it was just a faze I was going through I assume.
I couldn't help but wonder that if I had met him earlier on in life would I be the way I am today? Or would I be a happy young woman, possible engage and living with the love of her life. I'm sure he has asked himself the same thing. The way he looks at me with a concerned, pensive stare make me think he wishes he had.
I sat down and stroked the keys one last time. As I began to play out the song.
I started the song when I first met him. It was only now that I finished it. My song, like my life, was coming to a close. An ending I welcomed with open arms. After tonight I would no longer hurt any one... not even my self.
I realise my love would be upset at first, but soon he will move on like so many others do. He will find someone worthy of his love, someone who isn't broken never to be repaired. Someone that doesn't need help, who has hope of a peaceful future.
He was my Guardian angel, but he just didn't catch me in time. I tried my hardest to go back to my old happy self but I've been lost for so long I just couldn't break through the surface. My head was far to under the water and now I was loosing too much air as I struggled hard to break free. I was tired of fighting, what felt like a loosing battle. Now I would no longer have to.
I didn't take this decision lightly. I had thought about it for months. Each time things would get too hard he would be there to help me but recently even his help does nothing.
I finished the song and closed the piano up, leaving the song on top of the grand piano with a rose and the note I had written for him.
I wondered back up to our room. My death would be quick and painless. I had bought the lethal pills from a trusted dispenser. He had looked at me strangely when I asked for them but I assured him it was just a means to get rid off some pest's like rats I think.
I walked to the en suite bathroom and poured myself a glass of water to wash the pills down with. I looked up to see a shadow of my former self. A girl with ghost like feature. Her face vacant and lifeless. Just as I was soon to be.
As I stepped into the room I found my love sat on the bed with my note in his hand. His silent tears ran down his face. He looked up at me. Sadness evident on his face.
"is this a joke?" he asked.
I shook my head. "i'm sorry. My decision is final." I said in a flat voice.
"i wont let you." he said angrily. He stood up and gripped hold of my shoulders looking at my face.
His grip pained me even though I knew he was only applying minimal pressure. "please don't make this harder for me then it already is. It will be better this way." I said to him in a small voice.
"how will it be better? I love you, I need you. I won't let you do this." he said with no hope in his voice.
I shook my head slowly, looking down at the ground. "you don't need me, you'll be better off with out me as a burden. You'll see."
"no." he said defiant.
I reached up and took one of his hands off my shoulder. He didn't put up a fight afraid he would hurt me I assume. I held his hand up to my face and kissed his palm. "i will always love you. But I need to do this. I can't keep fighting a loosing battle."
"you just need to fight harder." he said stroking my face.
I stared up into his deep green eyes. The eye's that captured my attention in the first place. I had never seen eyes like it. It was like he could see into the depth of my dark blackened soul, yet he saw light there, when I couldn't. His eyes bore into my own searching for that light once more. Light I knew he wouldn't find.
The flickering of a candle could not even be seen inside me now. I had no escape ,but the final one, and it was killing me. I was just going to speed up the process.
Couldn't he see that this was the better option. That it would ultimately end my suffering.
"do you not love me?" he asked in small voice.
I felt hurt that he would think such a thing. Out of everything in my life I was sure of one thing, that I loved him more then my own life. Which was why I had not given up months ago. Why had struggled through it for so long. Why I had tried fighting in the first place.
"i love you more then life it's self." I told him sincerely. "but it's not enough any more. Please just let me go. You need someone better, someone who deserves you. Promise me when I'm gone you'll move on, that my death wont hold you back. That you will love someone else with as much love as you have me."
"no, I can't." he said another tear trickling down his face as he realised that there was going to be no stopping me.
"shhhh," I cooed as he sobbed. "it will all be okay. You'll see."
he pulled me into his arms and rested his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back soothingly as he quietly cried, his body convulsing occasionally with a silent sob. He kept whispering that it wasn't fair and that he didn't want to let me go. He knew deep down in side it was my choice and that he couldn't stop me. If he stopped me now I would find another way, or just carry out the deed tomorrow when he was work, like he should have been today.
"look at me." I demanded. He reluctantly pulled away. I smile weakly at him entwining our hand in front of us as I began to tell him the story of my song I had written. "look at my body, I'm just skin and bones, wasting away. See my hands, the skin is paper thin every time I touch something my bones threaten to break through." I said looking down for effect.
"there are things that you promised me that weren't yours to say. Promises of me being happy again. I knew I shouldn't have believed you. Don't take it the wrong way. I just should have known that there was nothing any one could do to save me. Not even love can save someone as broken as me." I smiled up at him weakly as a whole new wave of tears trickled down his cheek.
"truthfully I don't need your promises. Your love was enough for a while, but even that couldn't keep the demons away. And in the end neither could the drugs. The pain is just too much now. I was treated so wrong for far too long and now I don't know how to forget the nightmares.
"the place I'm going to will be silent from the screams I still so vividly remember. The screams that haunt me even in the brightest of day. The stilling of my heart will not mean anything that has happened between us was untrue. Everything I told you still holds strong. And I will always remember the love you showed me."
He went to talk but I needed to finish what I was saying. I need him to understand fully. Why I needed this.
"i just feel like I'm dieing inside. I've tried everything I can think of to stop it but it's like the frost of a winters morning killing a flower. The frost has got to me, and I'm slowly withering like a flower caught in it's wake. I keep finding myself welcoming the darkness that consumes me, and the sadness that comes with it.
"there are some things that I can't explain to you. It's like I need the feeling of weakness more then I need strength. It's like my body craves it, and I just can't stand it any longer.
"do you remember when you first touched me. That day you found me in the toilets?" I asked,
he nodded looking confused as to what I was talking about. Where I was going with this.
"i had wanted to end my life then too. I was going to as well. I was going to take an overdose of the heroine I had in my hands. When I took some I felt your hands as you lifted me up and took me to safety. I thought of you as my Guardian angle." I chuckled.
"and the first time you went to bed with me. You were so sweet and gentle. Nothing like I had experienced before. I remember the way your hand trembled hesitantly as you touched my bare skin. It was comforting in way that you were just as scared as me. The way you showed me how much you loved me with that simple act was perfect. And for a while that was better then any high I got off drugs, but like everything else it wasn't able to keep up with my personal hell."
I felt a tear roll down my own face as I admitted the truth. That he really had nothing left to give to me. He had nothing that would help me and I was hurting him by telling him. But I needed him to know why I was doing this, in hope that if he understood he would move on easier.
His hand touched my cheek and he look at me. "there has to be something I can do." he said with love.
"i thought there was but I've tried everything. Nothing can help me. Not even a soothing lullaby can keep the nightmares away." I told him sadly.
"please. You can't do this to me." he begged once again.
I stepped closer to him and stroked his face lovingly. I went up on my tip toes and pressed my lips to his for one last time.
At first he didn't respond but soon his lips worked urgently against my own. His tears and my own ran into our mouths as the inevitable drew nearer. My tongue dance with with sweeping in and out of his mouth. He pulled me closer to him so no air passed between our bodies. I tugged on his hair lightly and moaned in his mouth as he ran his hands over my body caressing it.
I waited and waited for that spark of light that was once there. But nothing came and I knew then that taking my life was now what I needed more then anything. No one would miss me really. So I didn't feel sad that I was leaving any one behind. My love had his family, something I didn't have for a long time.
I kissed him back but with less passion. He tried to will the lust out of me but it wouldn't work. I pulled away and rested my head on his forehead with my eyes still closed. Our breathing gradually slowed to a normal pace.
"i love you." I whispered.
"i love you too." he whispered back.
With that said I stepped back and turned to retrieve my pills.
Of course he snatched them away from me with tears falling down his cheek. "i can't let you." he said shaking his head, his voice strained as he fought against me.
"I need this." I said in whisper.
I stepped up to him and he held the pills out of my reach. I pressed my lips to his for a brief second. "please." I said on his lips. "I can't live like this. I'm dieing inside."
Resolve washed over his face as he finally gave into me. "i don't want to loose you." he whispered lowering his arm.
"you wont. I will always be with you." I told him, truth rang through my words.
I reached around my neck where my necklace hung. It was a simple silver chain with a crystal rose, the same colour of my eyes a bright dazzling blue, hanging from it. I took his free hand and placed it in his open palm, closing his fingers around it.
"please. There has to be another way?" he said as I reached for the hand that held the pills. He held them closely to his chest not letting go at his last strand of hope.
I shook my head. "this is the only way. You know deep down that I'm right." I said with one small tear falling from my eyes.
He wiped the tear away. "will it hurt?" he asked.
"no. it will be like I'm falling asleep." I told him.
He nodded. He handed me the pills looking down at the floor ashamed that he was giving in to me. I kissed his cheek and stepped away.
I sat on the bed and took three of the pills that would ensure me peace and serenity. I laid my head down on the pillow and swallowed them dry. As I waited for the poison to work it's way through my body my love laid beside me and held me to his chest. Slowly I slipped away with his lips pressed to my forehead and his tear wetting my face.
The darkness welcomed me once again, it wasn't the usual sinister darkness, instead it was calming and I felt myself floating. I was finally free.
I smiled, a true brilliant smile, content in the silence I had wished for, for so long.
I was finally at rest.