Outside the Fortress
Simmons is sitting in the warthog, talking with the other reds.
Simmons: Okay, so let me get this straight... they were talking... to the bomb.
Leo: Were they talking to it as a... person?
Grif: Guys, I don't know. They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath, and they were playing some kind of a New Age CD. It's like a Yanni fan club meeting.
Leo: Sounds very relaxing.
Sarge: That makes no sense at all. Did you wanna translate for us Pinky Pants?
Donut: My guess is that they're trying to get the bomb to do something for 'em.
Simmons: And all that sweet talk and candles will work on a bomb.
Donut: It would work on me!
Leo: Why are they even trying to convince a bomb? Its not even a person!
Grif: I don't understand it to man!
Sarge: Doncha see what they're tryin' to do?
Grif: No. Isn't that the point of this conversation?
Sarge: The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb into rearming. They're about to launch an attack. On us!
Grif: Why would they do that?
Sarge: Because they're Blues. Somebody get this kid the manual.
Simmons: Oh-ho, I hate the Blues.
Sarge: That's the spirit Simmons.
Leo: Wait? I thought we were cool with the blues now?
Sarge: Leo, I'm going to have to teach you the basics again.
Fortress Beach
To several Lopezes in formation.
O'Malley: Hoohoohoohohahaha. And now the hour is at hand. It is time, my robot minions.
Doc: He means robot miniones. Where's your cultural sensitivity?
O'Malley: Oh shut up. At last, we will seize our destiny!
Doc: Do we really have to seize destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?
O'Malley: Quiet you fool. And quit sending me those invites. They're repulsive. Prepare for battle! We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!
Doc: Oh.
O'Malley: Crushing our opponents with lightning speed! Attack!
Robot Army: Charge.
The Robot Army starts walking slowly forward.
O'Malley: You there, hurry along. And you in the back. You- Lopez, can't you speed them up?
Lopez: >This is their maximum velocity.<
O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.
Lopez: >You said you wanted a day of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.<
O'Malley: Heuh...
A Robot: Charge.
Inside the Fortress
Back with the Blues.
Church: So we cool here?
Tucker: I think we're finally calmed down.
Caboose: Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more.
Andy: Hey, are you talkin' about me?
Church: What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.
Andy: Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me.
Church: No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.
Tex: Excuse me?
Church: (whispering to Tex) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (To Andy) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.
Tex: Church...
Andy: I don't know...
Tucker: Come on Tex.
Tex: Yes. We're talking about me.
Andy: Sounds like you're patronizing me.
Tex: (grudgingly) No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.
Church: Heh heh, keep going.
Tex: And I need to be calmed down all the time.
Church: Or what happens?
Tex: Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.
Church: ...I see your point.
Caboose: Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.
Tucker: Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.
Caboose: That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.
Andy: Well, she sounds like a real handful.
Tex: (angrily) Alright listen you little noob firecracker-
Church: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.
Tex: I am so gonna remember this Church.
Caboose: You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.
Church: Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.
Explosions happen outside the base behind Church.
O'Malley: (from outside) Attack, my robot minions.
Church: I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.
Outside the Fortress
A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds.
Sarge: What the hell was that?
Simmons: It sounded like a huge explosion!
Leo: Are we being attacked?
Sarge: Don't you understand Leo! This means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.
Grif: Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?
Sarge: Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!
Grif: ...We're in battle?
Sarge: Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!
Donut: Yes Sir.
Sarge: Scream like a woman!
Leo: I don't think that will help-
Donut: Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs wildly and continues screaming).
Sarge: Grif!
Grif: What?
Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.
Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.
Sarge: Simmons, kiss ass at will.
Simmons: You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man sir.
Sarge: Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.
Sarge, Leo and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads.
Sarge: Leo, I need you to hold off, whatever is shooting at us.
Leo: Roger that. (Pulls up his rail gun and starts shooting back)
Sarge: Grif, you're up.
Grif: Permission to assist Donut, Sir.
Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.
Simmons: Good call sir!
Sarge: You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Red Heart for Leo, Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.
The End
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